Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Friends

  • Belated Celebration and Update

    Click this link up here Belated Celebration and Update.

    My friend’s chemo is finally over – but they still have the medical bills to pay. Donations have helped them immensely and more donations would help right now – If I had more to give I would and I’d do the same for any of my friends (and on occasion, strangers – if they’re cute enough… no cute doesn’t matter, well… maybe a little)

    Please help my friend Jana and her husband Cameron… if the situation were reversed they’d help you – that’s part of why they’re my friends (big hearts).

  • Very Busy

    I’m reluctant to ever say:

    I’m Happy!

    even if it’s kind of how I feel… I’m a doomsayer you know, predict the end times for myself time and again, usually just in my brain (I wouldn’t want others to worry) and I know if I were to state such a thing a meteor would be plucked from its course and given a trajectory of my destination within the next day or so… so instead, lets just say:

    I’m very busy.

    much safer that way for all of us… depending on the size of the meteor it could have been catastrophic to a lot more people and then I’d feel guilty. My brain is a complicated place, I shouldn’t go in there alone.

    (more…)

  • Sports

    I’ve never been a big fan of sports – I do though enjoy cheering against fanatics teams (Green Bay Packers and Washington Redskins for example) just to annoy the fans. The olympics don’t really ignite any flames for me, I think about all the money spent, the hours kids/young adults spend getting ready for their one chance to win a gold – a silver, a bronze just won’t do, it has to be gold… and if they fail the first time out the chances of a second win 4 years later is harder… unless you’re a doping cyclist or on an NBA super team.

    So how i ended up being the water boy for the girls high school basketball team in Whitehall eludes me.

    Ms Matchey (I think was her name), was the assistant coach and asked me and for some reason I said yes… me, the loner stoner, hanger-headed outcast participating in sports (not actively mind you, just on the sidelines). I filled their water bottles, cheered their points, watched the games with mild curiosity and actually began to understand it. These girls were very good, they were fast, strong and could make a basket, nothing I could claim myself. I was there for practices, games, and in the locker room (though this did nothing for me some people were jealous) they were always clothed when I was there. I’d pick up the wet towels, I’d make sure there were new towels… basketball

    (more…)

  • Surprising Beginnings

    My sponsor gave me directions when I hired him:

    1. 1. Shake everyones hand before and after each meeting
    2. 2. Go to the Northside Group every week – no matter what

    So that’s how I found myself at the Northside meeting on a Sunday night, following sponsor direction I was there and he had assured me he’d give me a ride home. But at the end of the meeting he had forgotten (actually he had relapsed and we just didn’t know it yet) and asked someone else to give me a ride.

    That person was Suzanne W. Who I knew as one of the pretty girls at the meeting, but I don’t really care about girls so whatever. She agreed to give me a ride back to the treatment center.

    As we approached the cars in the parking lot she walked towards a white Z and we climbed in (she loved that car). Very sporty and I think with a t top.

    All the way to the treatment center she talked and I swear she wasn’t watching the road, she was looking at me and talking and talking and talking… and in a New York accent I could barely understand at all. The whole trip I was watching the speedometer and I swear we were doing 300…. ok, maybe I was nervous…. we were going super fast and she just knew how to look at me and the road and talk (and maybe smoke – we were both smokers back then) all at the same time….

    scariest ride of my life!

    That was almost 20 years ago… in June of 1994 I think. That crazy girl from New York became my best friend and while she still does that thing of looking at me and the road and going hundreds of miles over the speed limit (I exaggerate) she’s such a different person now…

    you should all be so lucky to have such a friend and you never know where these types of things are going to come from.

    love you Zanaramadingdong

  • Review, Renew, and then Redo

    Last year was full of change.

    Yeah, it was an interesting year. I look back and think that I am really glad that I moved to Phoenix. Do I miss my friends and my cat in DC? Yes, but I like my new friends here and Gary send me pictures of my cat, I know she’s ok.

    I had my first summer here and the temperatures got pretty hot as far as I was concerned it was 118 on June 29th and that was pretty uncomfortable, but I really didn’t mind it until it surpassed 115. The coldest day that we had that I was here was of course my birthday, December 6th, and it was 37 degrees… I was miserable anyway so didn’t notice to much. I didn’t like the few days that were humid at all, the dry heat is really what makes this place so nice for me.

    Besides the weather here, which I really love, what I like most about Phoenix is the A.A. There are so many more options here than there were in DC and they are a lot less politically correct than DC. Are they big book thumping, tradition defending meetings? well not yet, but they are a refreshing change to what I found in DC.

    As I reflect on what happened in the last year and start to look forward to the New Year, I find that I want many of the same things that I had happen to me in 2013. I’m hopeful that this is going to be a better year and full of change!

    Happy New Year to you!

     

  • Loss of Words

    I went to see the Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug Friday night even after a friend had commented on Facebook about being disappointed with it. See, I’m a fan of the genre, I’m a fan of the book and three that came after – I could recall many of the parts that made up the Lord of the Rings trilogy but found I couldn’t for the Hobbit, that partially explains why my friend Rob was disappointed but I enjoyed the movie.

    When I was watching the dwarves and Bilbo on the mountain – I found myself thinking of Flint Fireforge from the Dragonlance series and I got a little misty thinking about when he passed on and Tasslehoff’s tears… yet, knowing I read the Hobbit you’d think I could recall all the details of that, but I cannot. I remember Smaug, I remember there being dwarves, a spider and maybe some elves… but that’s about the extent of it. When I think of Dragonlance, I can recall intimate details and feelings about Raistlin and his brothers relationship, knowing how Tanis Half-Elven was torn between the ageless elf and the sultry Kitara… Maybe I loved that series more? I don’t know, but the Lord of the Rings trilogy stayed with me longer.

    As I was thinking on it I think of all those books I read when I was younger and how they seemingly changed my life:

    A Brave New World

    1984

    Flowers for Algernon

    Way of the Peaceful Warrior

    A ton of stories from Jack London

    A Clockwork Orange

    You know, I can’t recall details of those books, I have a memory of how much they meant to me at the time and how into them I was, but they didn’t stick. I remember a line from Way of the Peaceful Warrior “we only sell fruit juice here and don’t call me Pop” and I recall being truly frightened reading A Clockwork Orange… but I don’t really have any details, I can’t quote them or reference them with any authority as they’re gone.

    I have them on my Kindle, I bought all these books because I used to own them and I wanted them to be a part of my collection again. And I might have to reread them again, to see if the magic is still there – if they grab me and take me to the world the author wanted me to experience with them, to see if I still get frightened during or if this time 1984 scares me more.

    I don’t have memories of people from the late 70s to 80s either, they’re just gone. There are people from two different high schools that I’m supposed to know and I can’t seem to place them, they seem oddly familiar but they’re just not inside my head anymore. Kind of weird really. I pretend, it’s easy on Facebook to pretend I remember, but I don’t… There come times though when I run into them in real life and then the pretending go well, cause I can’t lie about it… happened a few years ago when I was visiting a friend I do remember and two of our high school mates showed up, but I couldn’t recall them and I should have been able to, and it’s happened since and will likely happen again. Part of why I stay in touch with some many people from past jobs is I’m afraid if I don’t I won’t be able to remember them – it could happen.

    Anyway, I’m looking forward to rereading these stories and going to another world with the authors.

  • 10 Days of Whine

    My 42nd year is coming to an end. In ten days it’s my birthday… I don’t really want to be anything except 42, I liked it. After all 42 is the answer to the ultimate question of Life, the Universe and Everything…  I guess all things must change or die – hard choice that one. I think I’ll be 42.A for this birthday, I’ll ask my math friends (I have some, really I do) if there are clever mathematic equations that look cooler than 42.A.

    Typically for my birthday I would head to a warm destination, sit by a pool and do nothing. Now I live in a warm destination (supposedly – it’s only 46 out this morning) and I don’t know anyone with a heated pool. I’m not flying anywhere, not likely having any fancy meals or doing anything.  In past years instead of gifts I’ve asked for people to donate to charity, sometimes I even picked the charity to give for my birthday. I had all I needed and there seemed little need for more things.

    Now though, it’s been tough. I’m struggling financially, juggling things around and stressing out about it – I’m not supposed to do that anymore ( fear of economic insecurity will leave us ) and I know I can get rid of that fear, but it seems I keep asking and it’s still there. I’m taking action about the money thing – trying to find other income streams and cutting back on costs of a few things I can live without. I’m weighing all my options which is going to lead to more change before too long.

    There was a leak in my patio door and rain seeped into my bedroom – half the carpet was wet when I awoke the next morning. Every article of clothing in the bedroom closet was wet. Several books I had out are warped from the moisture. For four days a blower was in my room drying things out. Yesterday they came and cleaned the carpets, now the carpet was wet the entire bedroom. I’ve had fans blowing in there all night and I slept on the couch for the fifth night. I’m going to have to rewash everything and take the dress clothes to the dry cleaner again.

    I’m letting someone else’s fear and paranoia affect me and make me paranoid and distrustful and damn if that isn’t a horrible place to be. It’s contagious and I’m acting on those fears out of instinct. Fear is not a nice place to live and I don’t like having it around me. I think about when I was drinking and using, how I’d go to bed at night (or early morning) and just lie there thinking about all the horrible things that were coming to pass or that I had done and just lie there not sleeping . I don’t have that, the fear isn’t that bad I can still go to bed and in moments fall blissfully asleep, for which I’m thankful. But I find myself dwelling more than I should about the future, the present and people that I have no control over. 

    The cost of the recent dental procedure wasn’t covered by my dental insurance at all, I wish Obamacare would have effected all insurances, so I had to do a dental credit plan with them. The recent surgery I’ve only gotten a bill for $20 so far, I hope that’s it but I bet that too will be bigger before to long.

    I’m still new here, but at meetings several people in recent weeks have come up to me and talked to me like I’m a newcomer… I’m patient with them and listen intently to their suggestions about how to stay sober. A part of me wonders why they can’t tell that I’ve been around a long time – it’s the fear I think. It’s the worry that I show on my face, newcomers have fear all the time, but I’m not supposed to. There is a guy, Chris, that goes to meetings that I do and he brings his Big Book with him, (refreshing change) and he reads along when they read HIW or the Promises and he reads when people annoy him, lol, I need to bring my book but I fear I’d read it all  through the meeting. I’m still looking for a “Home Group”, I get close sometimes, but I haven’t found that meeting that I really want to be at yet.. I miss my DC home group and those folks quite a bit.

    So it’s almost my birthday, please send money, job opportunities, or a rich handsome man my way (he could even have bad breath and chew his toenails).

  • Newcomer

    Here we go again, I think as we stand and grab hands. We sure do pray a lot here, but at least everyone doesn’t hug me here like they did at the NA meeting I attended.

    “Who keeps us sober?” comes a voice from across the hall and then the chanting begins:

    “Our Father who are in heaven, hallowed by thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory for ever and ever. Amen”

    I try to let go of the hands but this group does another ritual – “Keep coming back, it works if you work and you’re worth it” they say while pumping our hands in unison together. The man next to me has sweaty hands and I try to wipe off my hands without him noticing, I don’t know why it matters, he must know he has sweaty hands. Try as I might every time I hear that prayer and any of the chantingI picture a Borg Cube talking about assimilation. (more…)

  • …the end's well

    The worst part of preparing for surgery is not being able to have coffee in the morning… really that was the absolute worst part of prep. This mornings coffee tastes so good, absence indeed made the heart grow fonder. MMMMMM

    My friend Cliff picked me up yesterday morning and took me to the Hospital, I had offers from several people including work folk, but Cliff made the most sense. Cliff did come with a cup of coffee for himself, which made me crave it soooo badly. He came in with me and we made sure they had his number to call when I was finished. I handed him my wallet and keys and he was off. He could have come up with me to the pre-surgical place – but why would you do that to some one? (See my post on how I get when I visit folks in the hospital: Squeamish) (more…)

  • First Trip Sober

    I was with my sponsor and grand-sponsor the first time I flew on a plane as an adult. We flew from Minneapolis to Los Angeles, a Northwest flight and we were seated in the same row. It was May of 1996 and we were going for the one year AA birthday of my first sponsor, Terry.

    Many years before the events of 9/11 it was easy, worry free and a pleasant experience. I was still a smoker at the time and my biggest concern was making it far without a smoke – I think the ban on smoking on flights had just started and I was none to pleased. They offered us pillows, blankets and showed a movie. I had the window seat and was much more interested in the sky outside than the entertainment inside. I may have slept for a bit I really don’t recall.

    Mid-flight they came to offer us a meal, I think it was a sandwich of which I had no interest. I was, if you can believe it, even pickier about what I ate back then. My grand-sponsor glared at me and said next time I was to give him my lunch if I didn’t want it – he wentertainment inside. I may have slept for a bit I really don’t recall.

    We landed without much ado, my ears didn’t have a hard time adjusting to the altitude change like they do now. I think we were going to be there for about a week so we all checked luggage. When I thought of LAX I’d imagine scenes from Airplane with the “the white zone is for loading and unloading only – shut up Jane” and such… and it wasn’t really that, but there were so many people and it was rather loud. Everyone seemed to know where they were going and were in a hurry to get there, my Grand-sponsor led the way to baggage, but I think he was a bit unsure of himself.

    The traffic was insane, even once we departed the freeway I kept imagining we’d soon be crashing into other vehicles. The trip to Santa Monica was short enough and the weather was very nice, I recall us having the windows open and feeling the sun shine warm us.

    The whole week we were there was mostly about going to meetings. Being the good AA’s that we were we showed up early to every meeting, helped set up (sometimes this can be an issue, people are very serious about their commitments) and then waited sometimes almost an hour for a meeting to start. At the Big Meeting we were chastised by the people in front of us for clapping and “woo woo” ing to loudly. I remember seeing a famous person and telling Terry “wow, look there’s so and so” and Terry said it was just a look-a-like… but I’m still not sure.

    We met Terry’s roommate Oscar who showed us around one day, we were at Venice Beach, climbing some rocks, driving faster than folks should drive. He was a nice guy. I learned about couch commitments – where people let new folks sleep on their couch while they first get sober to get established, seemed crazy to me at the time but now I can see where it would be helpful to folks. I remember being in their apartment and hearing the news reports constantly talking about people getting shot, that was most of the news and it was a bit of a culture shock to go from “the weather and farm report are next” to “breaking news as shots fired in local mall”.

    We visited the Midnight Mission and chatted with Clancy. It was way above my pay scale to meet all these old timers. I recall I had my hands in my pockets and one of the old-timers said: “Get your hands out of your pockets, He’ll (pointing to Clancy) provide the entertainment.” I was mortified (I was very sensitive back then).

    We were soon off to lunch with Clancy, some little Mexican place and we were all seated promptly, Clancy ordered for everyone and before I knew it there was this strange meal and a diet coke in front of me that I wasn’t sure of… WTH is a Fajita and Diet Coke is nasty. I had to watch others and I tried to copy them making a fajita for the first time, I didn’t want to make a fuss – I was the new guy here with 2 years hardly worth noticing 😉 You know what? I loved Fajitas, you can add the ingredients you like, it was spicy, it was flavorful… if nothing else I gained that from the trip to LA.

    Saturday we were to go to the yard, I put on a Country Jam tshirt that I packed and found my Grand-sponsor was wearing one also – he made me change shirts so we didn’t look too bumpkin I imagine. Then we went to the yard (Clancy’s house) and did all the fun things they do there. Softball across the road was next and I had no interest in playing softball, but before I knew it I was up to bat – I saw the ball coming I swung it and actually hit the ball – for a moment I was standing there shocked that I actually hit the ball with the bat… then I looked to see who was going to catch it… but I didn’t realize it had gone straight up and it promptly landed on my head (this explains a lot about the following years of my life)  and I was on the ground. I was ok, and thankfully they let me stop playing softball.

    On our way to the airport to go home there was a news report of a plane crashing in Florida, I was really suddenly worried about the safety of the plane we were going to be on, but all the other LAX people were just rushing from here to there.

    I came back motivated to do more in AA and to have bigger groups and more fun social activities with peers. I also vowed to go again, and I did the following year without my sponsor and grand-sponsor. This became a ritual for me, every year for my AA birthday I’d take a trip somewhere – I found out many years later that my best friend wished I’d take trips to spend it with her, so I’ve done that a few times as well.