I have depression. Or sometimes I think depression has me.
There was a snafu with my medications getting refilled and I’m now on day four of no medications that treat my depression. Boy oh boy a rollercoaster ride for sure.
The good news is my medications are on their way and I might be what I consider normal within a few days. My doctor for this is, of course, on vacation so another doctor stepped in to help get my stuff filled.
I can’t sleep, super tired, can’t manage to get to sleep. One of my medications helped me sleep actually and now without it I’m struggling. When you don’t sleep there are direct results that include mind fog, irritability and of course exhaustion.
Yesterday afterwork I just started crying for no reason, bawling like a baby. Couldn’t stop, nor focus on what was making me cry just was crying. I hate crying.
I’m also in general irritable, grumpy and sad.
Looking at it I wasn’t aware that the depression, like alcoholism, still stays where you left it. It is in the same powerful state it was when I started my medication journey some twelve years ago. Without the drugs to keep it at bay it will rear its ugly head and take over my brain.
My depression comes with dark thoughts, suicidal thoughts and wanting to surrender to whatever it is. It’s very uncomfortable and I don’t like it, but then I start to relate to it and want to get comfortable there. It’s wild. I’m not at my darkest yet, I fear that’s coming.
I have taken action and reached out not just to my doctors and the medical team that take care of my mental needs but also to friends. I’m trying to stay positive and keep reminding myself that this is temporary, even if it seems like a long time.
At the suggestion of ChatGPT I texted 988, the depression/suicidal hotline number available to anyone. Chatted with a rep for a good while and found it was beneficial.
Depression is a trap and it can grow comfortable and make you not want to leave. I have been in much worse spots than this and can get out of this one too. I just need to keep reminding myself it’s just a little longer.
Today, I will do my best, which includes helping other people in an attempt to stay out of my own head, similar to what I’d do in Alcoholics Anonymous if I were close to a drink. Tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities and hopefully medications.
A week ago today I received the call from my nephew that his dad, my brother, had died.
Ryan was three years younger than me, born in 1973. Like me tattoos covered his body, though his were mostly black and gray and mine are colorful… I asked him why he didn’t do color once and he just said it wasn’t for him. Unlike me, he had a head full of hair and could grow a full beard.
He was 50% deaf in each ear since birth. When I was very young I recall my mother explaining to me that my little brother would be deaf and needed extra care. I cried so hard that day and remember running to my room just bawling like a baby. As he grew up and through childhood he would often, at least I think it was often, pretend he couldn’t hear you just so he didn’t have to do something. He would even go so far as to turn down his hearing aids – little shit. When he was much older he finally went through the procedure for ocular implants and he says it changed his world. There was also an app that he used with his phone and it was like someone was talking direct in his head he said. His lack of hearing never stopped him from loving music and he would head bang with the best of them.
I couldn’t ever catch him when we were playing tag. I would chase and chase but he was a fast fucker that zigged and zagged and was always just out of reach. Once when I couldn’t catch him I grabbed the nearest item, I think it was an old empty gasoline can, and I pitched it at him, hit him in the head… and of course he needed stitches.
Not to be outdone in everything, if he was winning a wrestling match against me I would fake an injury and he would get legitimately concerned that he hurt me some how and it pained him just the thought of that.
When I was twenty my mother called and said she was moving to Florida and if I didn’t come to care for my younger siblings they would be placed in foster care. I didn’t want that to happen so I uprooted my life and went to live in Taylor, WI with Amy and Ryan. Truthfully it was a disaster – I couldn’t take care of myself let alone two teenagers. All we did was drink and smoke and party. It wasn’t long before social services came and took them both. While we were living together I grew concerned about Ryan’s drinking and alcohol (I couldn’t see my own addiction) and sent him off to treatment. He was so mad and didn’t think he was an alcoholic but we sent him anyway. He didn’t sign up for AA or let that become his new life and he was resentful about my sending him – we made amends many years later about it.
Ryan did spend some time in the local prison. I don’t really remember the charges and it doesn’t matter now. While he was there he bettered himself, he came out with knowledge – he spent time learning and reading and doing things he didn’t do when he was younger. He was a lot smarter when he got out.
Years go by quickly and we both grew up. I let alcohol and drugs consume my life early and found a way out when I was still in my twenties. Ryan found heroin later in life and it took its toll. I don’t know how long he had been without it when he passed, but I know it was a real struggle for him. He was always a stoner in our younger years and loved pot, but the heavy stuff wasn’t part of what we did back then. Duluth is where that part of his life happened and while he was there he was incommunicado wouldn’t answer calls of posts from us siblings. The heroin ate away at the relationships.
We didn’t have the best life growing up and I know he didn’t have the best life as an adult either. He struggled and lived near poverty.
A Celebration of Life was held on Saturday for him. There were memories shared, tears shed and laughter at hi jinx in our youth. His favorite two uncles came to pay their respects, among others. Ryan would have loved that, loved to see all those people together. We had coolers full of Mountain Dew, his favorite and just sat there on a rainy Saturday in sadness.
I don’t consider myself a good brother. Many failures run through my head, things I could have done better for him or times I should have tried to reach out. I picked him up for a recent get together with Dawn and Amy when my Ma was in hospice. On the way home he bawled and spoke about how tired he was of fighting, how much work it was just to live. He had COPD and it’s a hard disease to live with. I let him talk and cry, but I offered no comfort, no soothing words or help – I had none. Do you lie to someone who’s dying and let them think there is some fragile hope out there that will make it better… I couldn’t. I just sat there in silence. I’m not a good brother.
I will miss Ryan. We didn’t spend much time together and lived states apart, but I’ll miss him anyway. When I think of going “home” to Wisconsin he’s one of the things I think about…. but no more. I don’t believe in a hereafter or souls. I think he’s just done fighting and gone.
I was working in a call center at a small business in Virginia Beach when my friend asked me to come work for her business for a bit more money. I said yes and put in notice at my job. They didn’t want to let me go and suggested that I could make more doing the call center gig than I could at my friends company. I was set to go though.
One of the directors at the company heard about me leaving and said (I heard this 2nd hand) “we have to find a way to keep the good ones”. They approached a manager in another department and asked him to offer me one of his open positions.
That manager called me in and started talking about sales. Sales. A dreaded word in most industries full of liars and crooks – that’s what I was thinking anyway. He explained there was an opportunity here to make more money and that he had listened to some of my calls from the call center. He said “I think you’d do well”. I told him I’d think about it but really wasn’t sure this was something I wanted to start to do. Could I be an “honest” sales person, is what I wondered.
I talked it over with people that I run things by and also expressed my concerns about the gig at my friends business. I decided I would give it a try and if it didn’t work out I could approach my friend about her position that she assured me would always be there if I needed it.
In the beginning I would make my calls similar to a call from the call center – make it quick, get em an appointment and off the phone. A colleague, also from the call center now in sales, advised me to take my time, that here it wasn’t about how many calls you could make but what you could make of that call.
They assigned me a zone to sell in, Indiana. The previous Inside Sales Rep (ISR) didn’t mesh well with the team and struggled to make goal. I was kind of forewarned that it might be tough to get into their trust and have them want to have me part of their sales.
Fortunately I had a great Sales Manager (SM) and Assistant Sales Manager (ASM) that were patient with me and also integrated; me into their culture. I was invited to their weekly meeting, where I was asked to participate and they tracked my monthly goals right along side my teammates. They were great team and soon became accustomed to me calling them, asking questions about scopes of work and letting me know of customers I might wan to follow up on.
Books on sales and selling, on winning people over soon filled my Kindle and Audible libraries. I crammed as much knowledge as I could about this new direction. My head was filled with a lot of ideas about what makes a good salesperson.
My first months were less than illustrious, they were ordinary. I think it was a sold two months before I reeled in my first sale and it was a small one. I was so proud though, I had done it and it wasn’t that hard. I had made hundreds of calls and sent many emails but this one had just been a cake walk, they wanted what we had and were ready to pay for it.
But I wasn’t an instant success, sure one sale, but what else could I do. I kept reading books, kept doing word for word what they told me and I was struggling.
We hired a new director shortly after I started. He had plenty of experience in Inside Sales and sales in general. During a one on one meeting he told me “forget about all those books, just be yourself, people like you and want to buy from you. Just be yourself”. That was something I hadn’t tried so I thought I’d give it a go.
Sure enough, just talking to people, asking them how I can help and answering their questions works quite well. My close percentage went up and I was having fun, which is something I highly recommend.
That’s how I got started with my job in Inside Sales for Groundworks, a much bigger company than it was 4 years ago today. At the time I think they had acquired maybe 4 other companies on the east side of the country and now we are an international phenomenon.
It hasn’t been the best year in my sales career, far from it. My zone went through a lot of change and there were firings, hirings (and even a rehiring) and promotions. My SM moved to California and things changed. We hired a new SM, got a few ASMs and a bunch of new guys that didn’t know me. The buy in from my Indiana team is not as prevalent as it was in years past.
My dedication and effort were being forgotten – I wasn’t making the calls I used to. I wasn’t putting my true self into conversations. I wanted an easier softer way that I’d seen others use with great results. Well that’s not for me. I need to make the calls, connect with the customer and my team and then I can succeed. I spent the last month trying to build that motivation and dedication back up.
The Inside Sales Team when I started was 6 people. Now there are 40 I think. 40 is a lot. We’ve grown as Groundworks has grown, we had to. We have great camaraderie and we’re breaking records together. Over half of the team works in other states and we only see them a couple times a year, but we have developed friendships amongst ourselves and that makes for a better team.
This month I’m covering for a teammate out on maternity leave, that zone is Iowa – in addition to my Indiana branch. Spring is almost here and that’s when things can really pick up for us across the country. I’m up to the task and will continue my efforts to help my customers and teammates.
Four years ago someone considered me one of “the good ones” and set me on a path in sales. That path has brought me to new friendships, skills and a future I never dreamed of. Thank you Groundworks, Inside Sales, and my teammates.
Today I celebrate 30 years of continuous sobriety!
It’s just another day; I plan to go to work, have dinner at my favorite Indian restaurant and be in bed by 10. It is a drastic change from when I was using daily.
Life was different then. I usually woke up a little drunk from the night before and I’d head off to work (if it was a good day). I smoked at least a pack a day back then too, so I was smelly. I wasn’t big on brushing my teeth so my breath was likely lethal. Hygiene was not my friend.
All through the day my head would replay events and resentments and I would focus and be angered by something that occurred that had no basis on reality most of the time. I would imagine futures and pasts of horrible consequence. I would hang with my friends and talk about the upcoming nights events that always included alcohol and if I was extremely lucky – some LSD. I had my share of nicknames, but in the end most people knew me as Mr. Trip or simply Trip.
It always started with the first drink and usually ended up with me passed out somewhere. My friends would try to rouse me if I passed out in bars, but if I didn’t wake they’d just leave me there on the floor. I didn’t have a license so I’d walk home or to a friends.
Employment came and went I did land a job and keep it a year once, but more often then not absenteeism or being late or drunk resulted in me getting booted.
I wasn’t a violent drunk; just stupid, sappy and messy. Looking back I was probably the one they laughed at, not with. Never one to fight, mess with girls or drive (I didn’t receive a license until I got sober).
I owned nothing except a few boxes of comic books and was renting to own a dryer – long story. I lived with friends where I could with no responsibilities and only a desire to get drunk.
Final Bender
As I recall my last day/night drinking was in Ettrick WI. I had sung a song or two at a wedding for friends and was dolled out in a white tuxedo. It was the night after the wedding at the reception and I was broke, unfortunately there wasn’t free beer, so I stole what I could and begged and borrowed enough to get sloshed.
I had been suicidal and planning on ending it all soon. I was miserable and tired of everything. I didn’t have any hope at all. I shared my suicide plan with a friend who had shared his suicide plan with me a few days previously – however he wasn’t in that state any longer. Soon I was on the phone to the cops asking for help. Friends surrounded me and got me to go with the cops as I had changed my mind after I called for help.
The local guys took me in to the psychiatric ward in LaCrosse WI. I was the best dressed guy there. It was at the hospital and they had left me alone for a few minutes and I got to thinking – what the hell was I doing, I didn’t want to be here, so I started putting on my shoes and then a police officer came in and said “you’re not going anywhere”.
I spent 4 days and nights in there the room was padded but I didn’t get a straight jacket. They fed me meds and told me they were just vitamins, which I believed for some reason. I didn’t want anything that would get me better, I still just wanted to be done with everything.
On day 4 I had my day in court, where I was ordered to not more than 111 days in a drug and alcohol facility. That didn’t scare me, I’d been in one of those before. A country cop transported me from the hospital/psych ward in LaCrosse all the way to Eau Claire WI and a treatment center named Fahrman Center.
One of the counselors, Shelly, did my intake and showed me to my room. I was still hopeless and didn’t have any cares in the world. I’d get out of there soon and be on my way to find a drink.
I did the 21 days inpatient treatment there. Group sessions, chores, homework and some excursions. I was just playing the game, answering questions like I did in the last treatment center. My counselor was Brien and I liked him. He and I had an instant rapport but I still didn’t want to get better. If I thought of a way out I had planned to kill myself as soon as I was free.
HOPE
On Saturday’s they would invite members of the local recovery communities to come and share with us. It was similar to an AA meeting and the speakers would drone on and on about themselves and we were supposed to get something from that. Well one Saturday a kid named Terry came and told his story and for the first time I could relate to someone and felt a kinship.
That night I prayed to the “god” of my understanding “If you can make me as happy as that kid seems, I’ll do anything”.
I asked Terry to be my sponsor and he gave me direction almost immediately – 1 shake every persons hand and introduce myself, even if I knew them, before and after a meeting. 2 Northside Group (an AA meeting) would now be my home group. I may have rolled my eyes at both suggestions.
So I set about doing what I was told to do I attended the Northside Group and the Pacific Group and would shake everyone’s hand before and after the meeting no matter what.
The Pacific Group of Eau Claire WI is an offshoot of a meeting from, where else, California. The founder of the Eau Claire group was sponsored by the founder of the LA group. Very different type of meeting than I was used to and I planned to stick around long enough to tell them they were doing it wrong. Instead of moaning and bitch sessions you would get uplifting stories from speakers and participants that left you wanting more… lots of oohs and ahhs and hand clapping at almost everything.. and they had cake.
There were two pretty girls who also attended both groups, one named Krista (though I only knew her as “cake lady” for a little while) and one named Suzanne. We became friends and often they would give me rides to meetings and other things.
My sponsor Terry got drunk. I wasn’t privy to the details, I just was destroyed. I asked another member of the Northside Group to be my sponsor – Joe. Joe had double digit sobriety, a job and was married… we had nothing in common lol. Joe’s wife Carol also in the program, sponsored both Krista and Suzanne.
Joe took me through the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and we worked the steps. I did my homework and I wrote my list. I was still in the halfway house portion of the treatment center and they were very concerned with me doing my 4th Step with my sponsor instead of some clergy member. The treatment center’s version of the 4th step left a lot to be desired and didn’t help me. Whereas sharing my list with Joe and talking about my resentments, fears and sex conduct really opened my eyes and showed me what kind of a human being I was – not a very good one.
Our sponsors invited us over to go through the book as a group, there were about 6 of us sponsees when we started but by the end there were about 4. We went through page by page, word by word examining it and coming to terms with what Bill W meant in 1935 compared to what we mean now.
I learned valuable lessons in Alcoholics Anonymous – how to suit up and show up, how to introduce myself, how to volunteer – even if I didn’t want to – just raise your hand. The one thing AA didn’t sell me on was the idea of “God” but I followed the sayings and words and prayed to a god I didn’t believe in. But it stuck in my craw.
Meetings were a regular part of my world. I would go to 2 – 3 meetings a week. Roundups (conferences) and workshops. AA was my life.
I was though, the angry young man, and everyone knew it. I had resentments that I couldn’t work past that were current and damaging. One night at a meeting I was particularly mad and Krista turned to me and said “no one said you have to stay here” and it resonated with me. So I walked away from my home groups and went solo.
Still mad, but reading the book every day. Talking to a fellow AA member every day and still hanging with Krista and Suzanne, but I wasn’t happy. I would go back to meetings here and there but not shake hands… I was a little pissy.
At year 4 or so of sobriety I moved to Washington DC and soon came to miss my structured, recovery based meetings. Themeetings I found in DC were whine sessions more than anything else (see this story My Experience with DC AA) . I wasn’t a fan. Took me about 10 years to find like minded people there and we made our own groups.
After 15 or so years in DC when my job came to an end, I moved to Phoenix. I found recovery based meetings there and a new sponsor Flo. Flo and I went back through the book and I was regular at my home group. (See this story: My Sponsor Won’t Shake My Hand)
Walking Away
Not believing the core part of Alcoholics Anonymous – the need for a power greater than you – was a real dilemma. It seemed all my fellow members believed where I couldn’t and I found I couldn’t talk from my chair or the podium and claim that I believed in something any longer.
At 22 years of sobriety I made a decision to walk away from AA (see this story: Walking Away from AA). I told my sponsor and he had said he could feel me slipping away so it wasn’t a surprise, he still loves me and we talk once in a while.
What I found after I left that I was no longer stressed about getting to the meeting on time. No longer concerned if the room was set up just right. No stress on shaking everyone’s hand – which neither DC nor Phoenix was into. No dissecting other peoples shares for what was important and what was just fluff. Not that you’re supposed to criticize every inch of a meeting or compare members to others, but I would. I was free when I left, free.
Eight Years Later
So what’s happened in eight years?
Nothing really has happened, life is good, I’m happy overall and living life to the best. I don’t have cravings for alcohol – I do have dreams where I’m a closet smoker though, which is so odd. I don’t hold resentments, don’t say daily prayers to things I don’t believe in and don’t attend meetings.
I have a great job that I love to go to, where I get to help people every day. I live with my best friend, Suzanne, who still does go to meetings and enjoys them. Life goes on for me and I think I’m less angry, less worried and have overall less anxiety.
AA is a great program that taught me a lotabout life and living (See this post: Worker Among Workers). I wouldn’t be the man I am today without their help in the beginning and the many men and women who came before me. I practice several parts of the program daily and it matters to me.
Today, I’m almost a militant atheist. I try to bring truth to the world and those around me and probably get blocked on Facebook as a result, but I think it’s important. My life is deity free, and I’m willing to risk an eternity in hell to prove it.
Several of the key philosophies of AA that I still follow – help other people, have no opinion on outside issues, anger and resentment are the mind killers, be self-supporting, watch out for defects of character and more. There are good parts in the 12 step recovery programs.
Today, I’m 30 years sober. Something I never thought would be possible. I remember when I was new thinking people that said they had 15 or 17 years of sobriety had to be lying, why would someone choose to live that life? How could they go so long without a drink, it baffled me.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous promises that as far as alcohol goes sobriety will make you immune to the temptation, that you’ll recoil as if to a flame. That’s come true for me – I don’t recoil, but I don’t mind if it’s around me, except the smell of wine… can’t handle that for some reason, and I wasn’t a wine drinker.
Sobriety isn’t for everyone and not everyone needs it, but if you have a problem with alcohol or drugs or both, the 12 step programs can give you a solid foundation to build on that will lead to permanent sobriety. If you want/need help – go to www.aa.org or www.na.org and take a look. It can be a scary place to start and very uncomfortable – especially with those NA folks, they hug. True story: the reason I chose AA over NA was because the NA folks hugged me, ewww. They do rather insist upon the “power greater than you” thing and no matter what they say, it’s “God” they’re referring to.
There are secular alternatives to the 12 Step Programs – S.M.A.R.T. Recovery is one and there are others, use Google, it’s your friend. I looked into SMART but it’s not for me, I’m not a meetings guy I think.
Sobriety changed me from a drunken loser with no prospects into an old man with a life beyond what I ever imagined. In the beginning it seemed very hard, but the more days you string together and practice the principles, the easier it gets. I don’t think of a drink today or drinking, don’t play resentments in my head all day, plan my days around getting stoned or drunk – I just live life. That’s all I can ask for.
You can’t watch that, read this, or do that. You must do this, pray this way and worship this God. You can’t eat that, smoke this or drink those. I’m afraid that’s where we are and where we are headed if white Christian nationalists continue to meddle in the affairs of everyday man and woman.
It’s not just book banning and burning by people in southern states that worry me. It’s small rights being assaulted in many jurisdictions across the country. Small laws here and there or school boards pushing agendas into schools contrary to science and literary works.
Here in Virginia there is a relatively new law mandating websites that contain porn requiring them to verify the age of the viewer before granting access.
SUMMARY AS PASSED:
Civil liability for publishing or distributing material harmful to minors on the Internet. Creates a civil cause of action for any commercial entity that knowingly or intentionally publishes or distributes on the Internet material harmful to minors, as defined in the bill, and that does not take reasonable steps to verify that the age of a person attempting to access such material harmful to minors is 18 years of age or older. The bill also clarifies the definition of “sexual conduct” so that it is neutral regarding sexual orientation for the purpose of crimes related to prohibited sales and loans to juveniles.
PornHub, a Canadian owned company, streams various genre of porn on the internet. In response to the law enacted in Virginia, and other states, they have restricted access rather than complying with the bill which would require serious overwatch of personal data and change of infrastructure of their site. PornHub’s statement to Virginia users follows:
This law seems unconstitutional to me – not only violating my privacy rights, by making me share my ID with a company, but also my right of anonymity that allows me to surf the internet anonymously.
and
I enjoy porn occasionally, I’m not addicted or anything. I’d say I access a porn site or two maybe 2 or 3 times a month at most. I know there must be people that are daily viewers and some that are indeed, addicted to the services offered. To be fair there are numerous porn sites taking no action as a result of this law that I can access with no hoops to jump through. And I’m pretty sure I had paid my subscription right before the law came into effect, so there’s that.
But I say it’s a responsibility of the parents to monitor their children’s activity and restrict what they can and can’t do on the internet, not a corporation.
It’s a silly thing to take a stand on, I know and I may face backlash, criticism or mockery. But it’s another right that is slowly being taken from us. Another set or other peoples morals and beliefs being thrust upon us.
It won’t stop with porn, or the books they find offensive…. your rights are at risk and they’re coming for them.
It’s been a long time, but I read Animal Farm when I was a kid and I recall the slow, seemingly small changes that happened that no one thought would matter. But in the end all the rights are gone, things deteriorate and the pigs can’t be distinguished from the human oppressors. This kind of thing is happening now. Our rights and freedoms are being attacked by a loud minority. People who’s goals include their brand of government, religion and rights.
Please pay attention, yes there is a big orange elephant in the room, but there are small battles being lost that will impact even you and your rights happening in your own backyard.
if it is very interesting to use talk to text and preparation for my shoulder surgery which will happen on March 18. I’ve been trying to use just my left arm for the past few hours and it’s a challenge.
I worked in the accessibility field for seven years a few years back. And I always knew about the need for accessibility in websites but never had the need for myself. Using this tool which Apple created for me I can type a whole new web post.
but it’s a challenge because I keep wanting to use my right arm to do things like brushing my teeth or opening a pill bottle or opening a bottle. Period. And even this isn’t typing exactly as I would like it’s a tight but I’m doing the best I can with what I have available.
a friend of mine just reminded me that one of the challenges will be wiping my butt with the other hand now that is probably too much information what is this something that you have to think about. I did recently purchase of the day which is going to help with all of that oh the day b.i.d. ET oh well that didn’t type as well as I would’ve liked it too but I think you catch my drift. And all the controls for the day are on the left right hand side which is another thing that I have to worry about it will I reach over with my left hand to take care of it I don’t know and every time I say but they are types of the day.
and my big concern is a really are getting any work done and playing video games. No I know those two things are vastly different in what it is that I’m trying to do but those are the two things that occupy most of my time. I really like playing video games and I do think there are some accessibility settings in world of warcraft which will allow me to play the game with the left hand. So that I’m not too worried about I even went so far as to purchase a left-handed mouse which will arrive tomorrow that I’m going to practice with here at home and maybe I can get one for work as well.
it’s funny to try and do things that you normally do with both hands are with just your right hand and then try to do them with just your left hand that’s interesting it’s up I struggle for lack of a better word. Like for instance I made my coffee this this evening for tomorrow morning to prepare before the night I prepared in the night to make sure that I have it ready for the morning so I can just push a button and brew the coffee. Opening the fridge to get the filtered water opening the coffee container to get the grounds entering all of that into the machine with just your left hand was entertaining enter.
I do have friends were going to help me and I’m thinking that I’m going to have my my medication is prepared and one of those little pill reminder things settle be easy to just get two rather than having to open the pills each and every day. I’m planning ahead for Lasso little things like that that’ll help me to prepare for when I can’t use my right hand so I’ll be more prepared to get by without it.
I do sleep on my right hand side even if I start on my back on my left hand side I end up on the right hand side so I’m not sure how well I’m gonna be able to do that and if it’s going to interfere with my sleep as well. I’ve been trying to stay on my back but sometimes in the night you just roll over in their yard but I imagine if I’m in pain I’m not gonna be able to do that until wake me up.
navigating the computer has been interesting you I’ve had to learn a lot of new phrases enter commands to get it to do what I wanted to do. But I’m getting the hang of it or so I think.
can you take some things for granted that normal people just do every day edit isn’t until an event like this that you realize how lucky you are. There are people without hands without arms or legs or other disabilities can’t do simple things that we just do every day. It’s nice that Apple and other software companies and such have made tools available so they can participate in computing ark writing or similar activities and I know that there have been good advances as far as prosthetics that allow people to do things that otherwise they could not.
so it’s probably just me whining a little bit here and there about what I’m going to go through and for all I know I may not be as bad as I’m anticipating I am getting a little worried here and there about what’s gonna happen in pain management and mostly getting bored I’m really worried about getting bored.
today at the office I put in for time off for the surgery. And so far I’ve only requested a week off. I’m not sure if it’ll be longer than that or not but I wanted to be prepared just in case I have somebody covering for me to handle all my tasks well no not really some of my tasks which is nice because I was worried about that at all be meeting with some bosses in the next week or two to plan accordingly for some of my other tasks.
physical therapy is currently scheduled for the first week five times that week the second week three times that week and then we’ll see evaluate after that and see what else we need oh I just reread it and it’s three times a week for four weeks and the first two weeks at five times a week that’s a lot and I’m not sure if that means includes the time that I’m going to be doing the work at home because I do plan to do the exercises at home as often as I can without you know hurting myself more. Because I figure the more I do them the sooner I can get back to the office and play video games yet. Priorities people priorities.
anyway I’m not sure how many more possum gonna make about this but I’ll make some post after the surgery to let you know how I’m doing keep you updated on the pain threshold and my progress with physical therapy and movement of the shoulder area. If you get bored with reading I do have some other post you can read back I’ve been doing this for about 15 years she can read some past posts and comment on them and like them and share them I get other people read them that would be nice of you. After that
this post has not been edited or proofread it’s just how I talked it and how the computer interpreted my words
My best friend, Suzanne, is in a band named “Magg Dylan” with her husband Brucifer, bassist Marcus and drummer Adam. Though they’ve had a few line up changes, they’ve Suzanne and Brucifer have been in the band since it’s creation in 2018.
I asked ChatGPT who Magg Dylan was and they gave me this:
“As of my last update in January 2022, Magg Dylan is an American rock band. They are known for their blend of alternative rock, metal, and post-grunge sound. The band has gained popularity for their energetic live performances and emotionally charged lyrics. However, please note that the band’s status or activities may have changed since then, so I recommend checking the latest news or their official channels for the most up-to-date information.”
ChatGPT
I’m biased, I know, but they’ve put out some good music that you can find on all the platforms. They only released on album so far: Amethyst in 2020, released days before the Covid struck the world. As a result they didn’t get to tour or promote the album but it’s a good solid record.
Some of my favorite songs on the Amethyst album include: Delusional and F.I.N.E. are my favorites I think. Suzanne is the lyricist and Brucifer does most of the music to go with it. Suzanne draws most of her ideas from life, sobriety and struggles with both. I’m unsure where Brucifer get’s his musical mumbo jumbo, but he’s got some good stuff.
Two years they won awards from Veer Magazine for the job they do, yet they stay humble and ready to do more and more. They are very dedicated to their fans and always try to keep them involved and invite them to video shoots and more.
I was fortunate enough to star in a video of theirs titled: Warning! where I play a psychiatrist treating Suzanne for her various maladies. It was fun to be in the video and take part in their rise to stardom.
For the last couple years Magg Dylan has been releasing singles and there are quite a few good ones I’ll list below:
They’ve done a couple covers too – one of the best is Stand Back a cover of Stevie Nick’s hit. They really make it pop. Also they did You Oughta Know a cover of Alanis Morrisette
Take a listen to some of their songs on Apple Music, Spotify or wherever you may listen to good music. I’ll be here to chat with you if you have any questions or want to know more about this band.
I was editing the site and discovered I only have one (1) post written in 2023… I used to write 4 – 5 posts a month. Not sure what happened, I know some of it is medication based, once I started on my antidepressant the urge to write kind of died.
Well, I can certainly try to write some more. Here I’ll give you kind of an idea what’s going on recently.
My company just held its annual event where we honor the top performers and really celebrate the company and our accomplishments. It was a nice time and while I didn’t make the cut to be presented my award on stage (top 5 only) I did have a great year and was #10 in the department for sales total and I feel pretty good about that. For November art work I hit President’s Club and got to pick a prize, I chose a stationary bike and been riding on that every night since it arrived.
A few weeks ago I traveled to Palm Springs to see my friend Jean-Pierre. He has a couple forms of cancer and is planning to sell his home and move in with his ex wife in Washington state (I think). We got to catch up and I helped him with his computer. He gave me a gift – a Coca-Cola Stamp and Pencil sharpener, collectors item kind of thing. Very nice of him.
For Christmas, like usual, I flew home to Wisconsin to see family. Spent 4 days there and it was about the same temperatures as we’re experiencing in VA Beach so it was nice, not a flake of snow on the ground. Spent time with Ma and Rhonda and got to see almost everyone. Also saw Dawn and the girls for a night, which was nice.
I didn’t go anywhere for my birthday this year, actually worked it. Went out to Indian two nights in a row, which was great. Once with work folks and once with family.
Thanksgiving too was spent in Virginia Beach and I miss having it with my buddy Eric, but he and I are going to Cancun in March for a few days. Can’t get here soon enough.
As far as men go, I’ve had my share of fun here and there when I want to. Not a big drive to meet anyone or date. We’ll worry about that maybe some other day.
I am sporting a beard, not as long as I would like yet, but very professional in length and gray.
Well that’s all I’ve got for now, I’ll try to get some more writings in here…. some dreams, some ideas and some stuff about work and sales.
My friend Suzanne recently did some estate planning with her family and I reminded her what I would like done. She suggested maybe I should write it down so it’s known. I suppose that’s a good idea.
First, if a situation were to occur where I was in a vegetative state, a coma or incapable of breathing or living on my own…. I have no desire to live in such a state. I barely had a desire to live at all, so adding any of those to the list would be a no brainer, no thank you. Pull the plug, donate my organs if they can be and let me go.
In the event that I were to perish, hopefully sooner rather than later, below is what I was thinking at this time and for a while now. I believe I’m of sound mind, depression and anxiety, but sound.
AFTER LIFE
When I die, I believe I’m dead… that’s it. I don’t believe in an eternal life where I would either get to spend time romping through the Elysian fields or dancing in the flames of hell. Don’t buy into it. I know there are people that are living for the opportunity to go to heaven where they get to spend eternity with their loved ones…. eternity with people you can’t tolerate for a Thanksgiving. I just don’t see it happening. What version of those people are you going to see – the 98 year old version nor the teenage version, what would it even be like… but I digress.
If I’m wrong… and there is a spirit or soul that sticks around or goes somewhere, I don’t plan on staying near where I lived…. how boring would that be. I would explore other countries or planets and be anywhere but at my body or gravestone. So there is no need to go “talk to me” at a headstone, I wouldn’t be there. And honestly, I don’t want to listen to you talk to me about how much you miss me or what you did today, I’m good, move on.
In the DC Comics Universe there is a character named Death, she’s a Neil Gaiman creation. When each person dies she visits them and tells them it’s time, she says “You get what everyone gets, you got a lifetime” or something like that. She also seems to say that death and after are personal to each person, that they get a say in what is to come (if anything). Well, if that occurs I’ll just choose nothingness, to be gone and my consciousness to be no more, I’ve had more than my share and I don’t need further adventures.
REMAINS
I want to be cremated. Takes up less space and is eco friendlier…. so many cemeteries, so much space used up. I’m not a fan of burial or a tombstone with my name on it. Don’t want people to go to some random graveyard and think some part of me is there, there isn’t.
I wouldn’t mind if my ashes were to become a part of a tree, I think that’s cool and a good use of a decomposing body. The Living Urn is one such site that caters to that kind of thing. I’d prefer a lemon tree, but again, I’m not there so it won’t matter. If that proves ineffective cost wise or logistically then just burn me and do whatever with the ashes you like, won’t matter to me…. Well that’s not true. I have no desire for my remains to be taken to Wisconsin, no thank you… on the off chance that a soul would be bound to the “body” I wouldn’t want to be bound there. In face it would be awful. I can imagine a hell where I’d be trapped in an eternal Wisconsin winter and I just don’t want that.
When my biological father passed they cremated him and gave me a small vial with some of the ashes. If my siblings would want such a thing I guess that’s ok. Unfortunately I do realize part of me would then end up in Wisconsin, but I’m feeling generous.
Suzanne can decide if she wants to do anything with the ashes, Really up to her. She may place me on a shelf next to her dogs and that sounds like a fine place to be.
BELONGINGS
I don’t really own much. I did pay off my Smart car, so there is that, but it’s old and has little value. I consider myself a minimalist… oh not like a crazy person you’d see on TLC or Showtime or something. I just don’t have much. I’ve always done an inventory regularly for things I own – Is this is thing I use? Is this a thing I like? Do I really need to hold on to it? Does it have sentimental value? Is that value dated? lol
The comic book collection I own is quite small now compared to how much I had 10 years ago. So there isn’t much there. I don’t believe there is value in the issues I own, but you could try to sell them. It would be better to donate them for some kids to read. My love for reading started with an old X-Men comic. It was beat up, had no cover and was a dorky story. It was at my great aunt Marion’s house and it was the only thing that helped keep my sanity during the visit there. I don’t remember much of the issue, I know they were in the Savage Land and ran into Kazar and Iceman was more of a snowman than an ice man. Anyway, reading was one of the things I enjoyed in life and if I could pass that love onto other kids then that’d be a good thing.
Digital Library I don’t know if this is something that can be given to anyone, but just in case. I have a little over 4000 songs on iTunes. Garth Brooks is uploaded from Amazon, but other than that they are all from iTunes. If you do the math with each song costing .99 that’s almost $4,000, but of course many of those songs were more than that. There is everything in my library from Boyz II Men, Magg Dylan, Tim McGraw, Josh Groban, Zac Brown Band… just a nice variety. My Apple video library has 329 items… some of those are series so many more than 329 as I collected whole series. Audible – has 151 titles, that’s a lot of listening and a lot of them I listened to over and over… and read too. Speaking of reading, there are 2060 books in my Kindle library, read every one. Comixology (now owned by Amazon) I have 1660 digital comics. I liked the idea of Comixology and loved reading comics that way, but there is something about the feel of a comic in your hand that is better. Just for the record when Amazon bought it they screw it up and it’s less user friendly now. I think that’s it for official digital purchases.
Superman. Well I do have some Superman memorabilia. I don’t think any of it has value other than to me. I didn’t take the best care of it, One of my statues has a cape that has broken off and is just perched upon his shoulders, shame cause I liked that one too. There are glasses, lights, lunchboxes, Funkos, action figures and statues. Posters, a large portrait (a gift from my friend Katelyn), rings… a wide assortment. This is really up to Suzanne to decide what to do with those items. If she wants to dole some of them out to people that want something to remember me by that’s fine. Otherwise they can be sold on Ebay or donated to some charity place. Passing my love of Superman on to a kid would make my day. Makes me think of Donnell and our time together 😦
Notable Items There is a portrait of me that was done by my friend Ron a few years ago, actually there are two I just saw one of me shirtless in a mirror. Suzanne may want to keep it, if not then to whomever. I was at a party for a friend and this guy with a camera started taking photos of me. At first I didn’t think anything of it but after a while it got creepy, so I confronted the guy and he said he was a painter and wanted to paint me, he found me to be desirable and needed to get that out. So he painted me and it was pretty good, check out the link and imagine me 10 years ago lol.
Computer and tech, I own an iMac, iPad, iPhone … I like Ithings lol I’d sell them. I have content on my computer, some writings, some porn, all my photos. Suzanne is my secrete keeper so she has access to my systems if I were to pass away. You can set this up with Apple yourself, was pretty simple.
Art, there are two pieces of art in my room. One is of a guitar player who looks like the Question from DC comics and one is of a puppet with a broken heart. I liked them enough to spend money on them. They’re up for grabs, whatever Suzanne wants to do with em.
I think that’s it… not much like I said.
FINANCIAL
There is a life insurance policy through work, Suzanne is the beneficiary. I don’t have much in savings or in checking for that matter, I lived pretty much paycheck to paycheck like a fool. There is a 401K and Roth through work too, again Suzanne is the beneficiary. I don’t have money to leave anyone, don’t feel bad about that either.
MY FRIENDS
Many people loved me as a friend, as family. I was fortunate. Suzanne and Eric were my best friends, for 30 years or more they’ve always been there and I”m grateful.
I wasn’t the best friend I could have been I suppose. Very selfish with my time and energy and not much for crowds of people or small gatherings. I said “no” to doing something more times than I should have. I have pretended to be sick to get out of some situations.
I stole from some of you, lied to some of you, stepped on your toes, meddled where I shouldn’t have… I could go on and on. I’m human after all and made mistakes. I’ve tried to right many of them and live a better life, but sometimes I’ve made the same mistake twice. I’ve been forgiven, loved anyway and shown better ways.
Many times I made a friend out of someone I didn’t expect, I learned to love those I first wanted to shun, I adapted and adjusted to let those people in.
Thank you for taking the time and energy to get to know me. Thank you for tolerating me, loving me in spite of me and being there.
MY FAMILY
It’s complicated really, I suppose it doesn’t have to be, but it is. I consider myself of two families. One is my biological and one my foster. I got two and that makes me luckier than most.
My biological parents both died in their 50s. I don’t have much positive to say about either of them, they weren’t good examples, good parents or good. There are those who says they did the best they could could, but I don’t that’s true. I didn’t mourn them and don’t miss them.
My foster parents, my Ma and Pa, loved me unconditionally. They taught me to be responsible, independent and dependable. My Pa passed in 2008 and I bawled like a baby, it was hard for me. My Ma insists I come home every year for Christmas and she knows how much I’m not a fan of winter, so I go every year and I enjoy myself. I love my Ma.
I loved my siblings each for different reasons. I have fond memories of times we spent together. Laughter, tears, drama… all a part of it I suppose. Thanks for tolerating me and loving me.
IN CLOSING
I was just doing my taxes after receiving a notice from PayPal that I had a 1099K… which I had no idea what meant. I looked it up and saw it was in reference to some gambling I did on the Super Bowl in 2022. I placed a $100 bet on who would score the first touch down and I won $855, pretty nice… but now it’s going to take a bite out of my refund. That’s life.
My favorite book was The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, it always made me laugh no many how many times I read it. It’s quirky and odd, like me.
I loved listening to music and singing along with all the songs. My memory was always good about remembering lyrics but forgetting important things. I really liked all genres of music – but I think you’ll find the majority of the music in my iTunes library is country.
Work – I was very lucky to have a few great jobs. Some of them didn’t last more than 5 years or so but for a while it was a good job. I’m glad I got to work with Jim, one of the finest human beings on the planet. I’m glad I dipped my toe into the world of insurance. And I’m glad I got to start selling things, I kind of like it.
Thank you to everyone who interacted with me in my life. It was interesting. I am, however, glad to be gone. Did all the things I wanted too, loved all the men I wanted to, spent all the time I could bear with people. Now I’m ready to move on.
Yesterday I spent some time looking at old posts. I’ve been writing in this blog for about over 15 years now, so there is a lot to go over. There are some stories I don’t recall writing and when I look at them they don’t appear to be something I would write…. like this post on some stories I was writing: Stories I don’t recall those stories and don’t see them in my drafts folder so I’m not sure where I got them.
I do like the short story I wrote, Max, but I think it may be a bit overwritten I’m not sure. The end bothers me some, but it’s a good story overall and I like it. I like the idea of this story The Extractor.
There is this story which is a little odd but has promise, but I feel no connection to it, like I didn’t write it. It’s odd. Or this one which started out so well and then stalled. A lot of my stories seem to stall after a bit, I get bored with them. Sure I have a way to continue them but I get bored and think the reader will be bored as well. I have to find a way to keep my own interest along with the readers.
Most of my writings are about personal things and not made up stories. I write in this blog a lot of recovery stuff, very sternly and strict teachings as I saw them. Work, driving, health, tests, school… a lot of stuff about me and what’s going on.
At the bottom of each post WordPress puts three or four stories that may be akin to the story/post you just read. It’s a nice way to jump around my blog and see what I’ve written and maybe how I’ve improved in my writing.
I wanted to post something today, and this is a cheat cause I’m linking to old stories, but I still count it as a post. 😉
