I have depression. Or sometimes I think depression has me.
There was a snafu with my medications getting refilled and I’m now on day four of no medications that treat my depression. Boy oh boy a rollercoaster ride for sure.
The good news is my medications are on their way and I might be what I consider normal within a few days. My doctor for this is, of course, on vacation so another doctor stepped in to help get my stuff filled.
I can’t sleep, super tired, can’t manage to get to sleep. One of my medications helped me sleep actually and now without it I’m struggling. When you don’t sleep there are direct results that include mind fog, irritability and of course exhaustion.
Yesterday afterwork I just started crying for no reason, bawling like a baby. Couldn’t stop, nor focus on what was making me cry just was crying. I hate crying.
I’m also in general irritable, grumpy and sad.
Looking at it I wasn’t aware that the depression, like alcoholism, still stays where you left it. It is in the same powerful state it was when I started my medication journey some twelve years ago. Without the drugs to keep it at bay it will rear its ugly head and take over my brain.
My depression comes with dark thoughts, suicidal thoughts and wanting to surrender to whatever it is. It’s very uncomfortable and I don’t like it, but then I start to relate to it and want to get comfortable there. It’s wild. I’m not at my darkest yet, I fear that’s coming.
I have taken action and reached out not just to my doctors and the medical team that take care of my mental needs but also to friends. I’m trying to stay positive and keep reminding myself that this is temporary, even if it seems like a long time.
At the suggestion of ChatGPT I texted 988, the depression/suicidal hotline number available to anyone. Chatted with a rep for a good while and found it was beneficial.
Depression is a trap and it can grow comfortable and make you not want to leave. I have been in much worse spots than this and can get out of this one too. I just need to keep reminding myself it’s just a little longer.
Today, I will do my best, which includes helping other people in an attempt to stay out of my own head, similar to what I’d do in Alcoholics Anonymous if I were close to a drink. Tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities and hopefully medications.
Last night I listened to a political podcast that asked a question we rarely hear asked honestly. What does this country actually need right now? Not another Trump. Not another Obama. Not recycled promises about fixing healthcare or ending corruption. What we need is a candidate, and a movement, focused on real change to a system that no longer works for most people.
Let’s find candidates and ideas that enact real change.
Mamdani, mayor elect of New York City, ran on a platform of real change and we’ll see if he can make any of these promises a reality. People voted for him because they want the kind of change he’s talking about. Mamdani ran on some important issues that matter to New Yorkers: affordability, fare free city buses, a $30 minimum wage and more. These are things people want – not just left or right leaning people, but real people struggling or just getting by.
I don’t want to hear “it’s too soon” or “we’re not ready for that kind of candidate” I think we’re more than ready to move on from what’s broken. I’m tired of name calling and mud slinging campaigns that lead to more of the same.
Let’s think about what we need for this great country of ours to not just get by, but to become that dream that people always wanted it to be. Let’s list off some things that would make a change.
Term limits on politicians across the spectrum, too much power for too long has let these “leaders” just get fat on the hog. No one politician should be in office for more than one or two terms. Some of these “leaders” have been in office for up to 50 years, that’s too much power and not enough responsibility.
Real government/tax funded healthcare. It’s way past time for the US to join other civilized nations and enact this for our citizens. This is doable, other civilized countries do it. I’d rather pay an extra $38 dollars in taxes for healthcare then the $300 I pay out or my paycheck or pocket. Let’s make it happen.
Let’s be real about the minimum wage. Current federal guidelines are at $7.25 an hour. Honestly this is an insult to people trying to pay rent, buy groceries and live a real life. No one should need to work three jobs just to live a semblance of a life. Corporations can afford it. Small businesses may feel a deeper pinch, but we need this to change. Have our taxes help small businesses overcome.
Close tax loopholes for corporations that are making huge profits from our purchases or service or goods. If they threaten to move or stop selling to us, so be it, this is a land of opportunity, someone will fill that void.
Tax everyone with more money than they need (millionaires, billionaires, trillionaires…) at a higher rate. Let’s get real here, they can afford it. I ran some AI ideas on taxing the richer and it makes sense so this isn’t an unrealistic idea. I’m not saying stop taxing everyone else, just saying tax them a simple, immediate amount.
Quit sending tax dollars to other countries for any reason. These monies weren’t meant for them, taxes are to pay for government programs that actually help the people here, not over there.
Invest in our people, infrastructure and technology. Let’s put our tax dollars to work for us. We do not have a technology problem here, we have a process, incentives and accountability problem. Let’s make everyone more accountable for what they and get rid of incentives or relying on government favors and backroom deals. Work on our own country again.
Get rid of the electoral college. This is a big one. Would require a constitutional amendment. We have the technology, we can do a popular vote. Having states that have a lower population carry so many votes seems crazy. Let’s let the people decide and the majority of people at that.
Legalize marijuana and other recreational drugs nationally. It’s time. Regulate them, tax them, stop incarceration of people that just want to have a little buzz. Forgive sentences of those who are filling up our corrupted prisons and let those people get back into the world. I’m clean and sober and think this is wise, I don’t plan to start using drugs again.
Lastly, and maybe most importantly, let’s keep religion and those who practice it out of politics and policy. We need to move on from the faith of the goat herders and ancients and embrace a world of reality. No more laws based on what the Bible tells you, we have grown as a species evolutionarily, in wisdom, in truth. It is perfectly fine to believe, to have faith, in a higher power – it is not okay to base laws and ethics on all others.
I’m sure there is more. Why wouldn’t there be? We have so much room to improve to grow and overcome our own deficiencies. I want a country I can believe in again, a place people admire that inspires people to be better.
I know there are those of you that will call my ideas childish or foolish, by all means school me. Tell me where I get it wrong or why the current systems are working. But if you do school me I hope you have some ideas that will enact change and change that matters. No more broken promises from politicians and parties…. let’s do something.
A week ago today I received the call from my nephew that his dad, my brother, had died.
Ryan was three years younger than me, born in 1973. Like me tattoos covered his body, though his were mostly black and gray and mine are colorful… I asked him why he didn’t do color once and he just said it wasn’t for him. Unlike me, he had a head full of hair and could grow a full beard.
He was 50% deaf in each ear since birth. When I was very young I recall my mother explaining to me that my little brother would be deaf and needed extra care. I cried so hard that day and remember running to my room just bawling like a baby. As he grew up and through childhood he would often, at least I think it was often, pretend he couldn’t hear you just so he didn’t have to do something. He would even go so far as to turn down his hearing aids – little shit. When he was much older he finally went through the procedure for ocular implants and he says it changed his world. There was also an app that he used with his phone and it was like someone was talking direct in his head he said. His lack of hearing never stopped him from loving music and he would head bang with the best of them.
I couldn’t ever catch him when we were playing tag. I would chase and chase but he was a fast fucker that zigged and zagged and was always just out of reach. Once when I couldn’t catch him I grabbed the nearest item, I think it was an old empty gasoline can, and I pitched it at him, hit him in the head… and of course he needed stitches.
Not to be outdone in everything, if he was winning a wrestling match against me I would fake an injury and he would get legitimately concerned that he hurt me some how and it pained him just the thought of that.
When I was twenty my mother called and said she was moving to Florida and if I didn’t come to care for my younger siblings they would be placed in foster care. I didn’t want that to happen so I uprooted my life and went to live in Taylor, WI with Amy and Ryan. Truthfully it was a disaster – I couldn’t take care of myself let alone two teenagers. All we did was drink and smoke and party. It wasn’t long before social services came and took them both. While we were living together I grew concerned about Ryan’s drinking and alcohol (I couldn’t see my own addiction) and sent him off to treatment. He was so mad and didn’t think he was an alcoholic but we sent him anyway. He didn’t sign up for AA or let that become his new life and he was resentful about my sending him – we made amends many years later about it.
Ryan did spend some time in the local prison. I don’t really remember the charges and it doesn’t matter now. While he was there he bettered himself, he came out with knowledge – he spent time learning and reading and doing things he didn’t do when he was younger. He was a lot smarter when he got out.
Years go by quickly and we both grew up. I let alcohol and drugs consume my life early and found a way out when I was still in my twenties. Ryan found heroin later in life and it took its toll. I don’t know how long he had been without it when he passed, but I know it was a real struggle for him. He was always a stoner in our younger years and loved pot, but the heavy stuff wasn’t part of what we did back then. Duluth is where that part of his life happened and while he was there he was incommunicado wouldn’t answer calls of posts from us siblings. The heroin ate away at the relationships.
We didn’t have the best life growing up and I know he didn’t have the best life as an adult either. He struggled and lived near poverty.
A Celebration of Life was held on Saturday for him. There were memories shared, tears shed and laughter at hi jinx in our youth. His favorite two uncles came to pay their respects, among others. Ryan would have loved that, loved to see all those people together. We had coolers full of Mountain Dew, his favorite and just sat there on a rainy Saturday in sadness.
I don’t consider myself a good brother. Many failures run through my head, things I could have done better for him or times I should have tried to reach out. I picked him up for a recent get together with Dawn and Amy when my Ma was in hospice. On the way home he bawled and spoke about how tired he was of fighting, how much work it was just to live. He had COPD and it’s a hard disease to live with. I let him talk and cry, but I offered no comfort, no soothing words or help – I had none. Do you lie to someone who’s dying and let them think there is some fragile hope out there that will make it better… I couldn’t. I just sat there in silence. I’m not a good brother.
I will miss Ryan. We didn’t spend much time together and lived states apart, but I’ll miss him anyway. When I think of going “home” to Wisconsin he’s one of the things I think about…. but no more. I don’t believe in a hereafter or souls. I think he’s just done fighting and gone.
I was working in a call center at a small business in Virginia Beach when my friend asked me to come work for her business for a bit more money. I said yes and put in notice at my job. They didn’t want to let me go and suggested that I could make more doing the call center gig than I could at my friends company. I was set to go though.
One of the directors at the company heard about me leaving and said (I heard this 2nd hand) “we have to find a way to keep the good ones”. They approached a manager in another department and asked him to offer me one of his open positions.
That manager called me in and started talking about sales. Sales. A dreaded word in most industries full of liars and crooks – that’s what I was thinking anyway. He explained there was an opportunity here to make more money and that he had listened to some of my calls from the call center. He said “I think you’d do well”. I told him I’d think about it but really wasn’t sure this was something I wanted to start to do. Could I be an “honest” sales person, is what I wondered.
I talked it over with people that I run things by and also expressed my concerns about the gig at my friends business. I decided I would give it a try and if it didn’t work out I could approach my friend about her position that she assured me would always be there if I needed it.
In the beginning I would make my calls similar to a call from the call center – make it quick, get em an appointment and off the phone. A colleague, also from the call center now in sales, advised me to take my time, that here it wasn’t about how many calls you could make but what you could make of that call.
They assigned me a zone to sell in, Indiana. The previous Inside Sales Rep (ISR) didn’t mesh well with the team and struggled to make goal. I was kind of forewarned that it might be tough to get into their trust and have them want to have me part of their sales.
Fortunately I had a great Sales Manager (SM) and Assistant Sales Manager (ASM) that were patient with me and also integrated; me into their culture. I was invited to their weekly meeting, where I was asked to participate and they tracked my monthly goals right along side my teammates. They were great team and soon became accustomed to me calling them, asking questions about scopes of work and letting me know of customers I might wan to follow up on.
Books on sales and selling, on winning people over soon filled my Kindle and Audible libraries. I crammed as much knowledge as I could about this new direction. My head was filled with a lot of ideas about what makes a good salesperson.
My first months were less than illustrious, they were ordinary. I think it was a sold two months before I reeled in my first sale and it was a small one. I was so proud though, I had done it and it wasn’t that hard. I had made hundreds of calls and sent many emails but this one had just been a cake walk, they wanted what we had and were ready to pay for it.
But I wasn’t an instant success, sure one sale, but what else could I do. I kept reading books, kept doing word for word what they told me and I was struggling.
We hired a new director shortly after I started. He had plenty of experience in Inside Sales and sales in general. During a one on one meeting he told me “forget about all those books, just be yourself, people like you and want to buy from you. Just be yourself”. That was something I hadn’t tried so I thought I’d give it a go.
Sure enough, just talking to people, asking them how I can help and answering their questions works quite well. My close percentage went up and I was having fun, which is something I highly recommend.
That’s how I got started with my job in Inside Sales for Groundworks, a much bigger company than it was 4 years ago today. At the time I think they had acquired maybe 4 other companies on the east side of the country and now we are an international phenomenon.
It hasn’t been the best year in my sales career, far from it. My zone went through a lot of change and there were firings, hirings (and even a rehiring) and promotions. My SM moved to California and things changed. We hired a new SM, got a few ASMs and a bunch of new guys that didn’t know me. The buy in from my Indiana team is not as prevalent as it was in years past.
My dedication and effort were being forgotten – I wasn’t making the calls I used to. I wasn’t putting my true self into conversations. I wanted an easier softer way that I’d seen others use with great results. Well that’s not for me. I need to make the calls, connect with the customer and my team and then I can succeed. I spent the last month trying to build that motivation and dedication back up.
The Inside Sales Team when I started was 6 people. Now there are 40 I think. 40 is a lot. We’ve grown as Groundworks has grown, we had to. We have great camaraderie and we’re breaking records together. Over half of the team works in other states and we only see them a couple times a year, but we have developed friendships amongst ourselves and that makes for a better team.
This month I’m covering for a teammate out on maternity leave, that zone is Iowa – in addition to my Indiana branch. Spring is almost here and that’s when things can really pick up for us across the country. I’m up to the task and will continue my efforts to help my customers and teammates.
Four years ago someone considered me one of “the good ones” and set me on a path in sales. That path has brought me to new friendships, skills and a future I never dreamed of. Thank you Groundworks, Inside Sales, and my teammates.
I’m looking for my special guy. Taking applications or referrals.
I’ve done the dating apps, the online dating, the blind dates. Been engaged once, in love a few times and played around more than I probably should have. I’ve had good dates, bad dates and bad break ups that left me an emotional wreck. I’ve had elicit affairs with married guys – most of the time that didn’t feel right to me. I take vacations to destinations where I know I’ll get to hook up with guys – Ft Lauderdale, Palm Springs, Philadelphia. So I thought I’d just throw together an application for a husband on here and see what happens.
Jamez March 2022
I’m looking for something with substance, stability and seriousness. Something passionate, personal and productive. I want a man or men (I’m open to a polyamorous relationship) to call my own, to come home to, and to get lost in his eyes.
I’ve always had a thing for older guys, when I was in my twenties I drooled over many a 45 or 50 year old – most said I was much too young for something serious. It may not be an age thing but a maturity thing, I like a man who’s grown up, responsible and drama free. I do lust after a man with gray hair though, turns all the right buttons for me. I like furry guys, hair on their chest and on their face, have since forever. When I was just a kid I remember finding a dirty magazine down in the basement. There was one image of a man with a beard and a hairy chest that got my attention more than any of the other ones. Most of the images were hairless, clean shaven men and I just thought meh, not so much. I also like a man with some meat on his bones. A barrel-chested, muscular, beefy man is just the right size. My first lover was a bigger guy, and my first love as well.
I gravitate towards these types of men and frequent dating sites that cater to them. I like a mans man, with hairy chest, gray hair and some meat on their bones. I like bears, silver daddies and fur… but that’s not written in stone, I’ve found myself drawn to other types of men along the way, this is a guideline for what I’d really like.
It’s not all about looks, that’s just for starters. I want a man with passion in and out of the bedroom. Someone who has his own loves and habits that I can grow with and live with mine as well. A man that makes me want to be with him, makes me want to give up my video game time to spend it with him instead. So, he should be interesting, funny, lovable, laughable…. understanding, serious, willing to compromise and open-minded. I like to think I’m those things and my friends tell me I am.
Here’s my current narrative on sites I frequent: No face pic no chat no exceptions. Looking for my special guy. I tend to like older, bigger guys. Hairy face and chest are nice. I also like gray hair. Be. honest, have more than one photo, be open to the idea of actually meeting.
You should have a job, I do. Non smokers only. No vegetarians or vegans need apply – yes, that’s funny but I’m serious.
I like kissing, sucking and getting fucked. Not really into any kinks. I’m 51, moderately hairy. I like to go slow, enjoy the entire experience and really please my guy and have him please me. I’m open to trying new things and honest about it if I like or don’t like it.
I’m sarcastic, funny and I like to think smart. Introverted, I’m not big on crowds or meeting new people. Once I meet them I’m usually good a second time, but the first time I’m rather quiet and wary.
I was born in Wisconsin, lived in DC for almost 2 decades, lived in Phoenix for another and now I’m in Virginia Beach, I’m not tied to any location really. I don’t like winter that’s a big deal, hate might be the word.
I’m clean and sober, don’t go to meetings any longer but still maintain my sobriety. I’m an atheist, my choice, my belief and you’re free to have yours. I’m respectful of others choices as far as alcohol, drugs and religion go… you don’t push yours on me and I won’t push mine on you. I’m a diabetic. I have depression and anxiety. all being treated with medications and diet.
I like animals, cats and dogs mostly… don’t think I’d be ok with a pet pig or llama.
I like to travel, consider myself something of a writer, like to walk and swim… but not much into exercise really… and I have a little belly to show for that.
I’d like to know more about you so feel free to hit me up so we can chat.
So what about me? what’s do I bring to the table….
I’m 53 now, moderately hairy, 5’9″, around 220. I have a little belly, which I’m half-heartedly working on. I like food and hate exercise so it’s not as easy as I want it to be. I have around 20 tattoos, most mean something to me. My ears are pierced but I rarely wear earrings and if I do usually studs. I wear a couple of rings once in a while as well. I’m most comfortable in t-shirt and jeans, but dress up business casual for the office most days. I look quite good in a tux, but honestly who doesn’t? I shave my head and usually have a goatee.
Writing is a passion of mine. www.bookofjamez.com More so before one of my medications started to mess with my creative process.. used to be I’d regularly get ideas in my head that wouldn’t go away until I got them down on paper (or screen as the case usually is), but now it’s rare an idea gets stuck there and I write less and less frequently.
Medications? what’s wrong with me? well let’s see: I’m clean and sober 27 years, have depression, anxiety, diabetes (my A1C is 6.5), and high cholesterol. My PCP (Primary Care Physician), who happens to be very cute, says I need to lose 10 pounds. I’m taking Prep – if you know you know. I take my medications regularly and am honestly trying to eat better. My depression is being contained and rarely flares up to where it drives me to despair. My anxiety is usually event driven – people or places can make me anxious and I do some meditation, breathing to help with that but have emergency meds if it gets crazy.
I’m a malcontent. A glass truly empty kind of guy. I find it funny most of the time when I look at the world that way. I look at the world through my own eyes and sometimes those views don’t match what society would like them to. But it’s not a harmful thing.
I keep my room relatively clean, organized and make my bed. I have art on the walls and electronic gadgets everywhere. There is a small Superman collection on a dresser and I will likely get more and more Superman stuff.
I’m not a fan of the cold or winter. I go home to Wisconsin for Christmas because that’s what my Ma wants, and you should always do what your Ma wants. But will go out of my way to avoid the cold if I possibly can. I vacation in warm places.
Jamez January 2022
I love music, I can sing and usually do to any music that happens to be on. Doesn’t matter if it’s Country, Hip Hop, Rock, Heavy Metal, Death Metal or Pop… I love music. I was once in the Gay Men’s Choir of Washington DC (GMCW). I don’t play any instruments, but have a desire to learn to play guitar.
I am a picky eater. There I said it. I know what I don’t like – mayonnaise, dressings, mushrooms, fish, seafood.. well it’s a lot, but I do try new things. I love Chicken Tikka, a good spicy Mexican dish or good old fashioned hamburger.
I currently live in Virginia Beach, I’ve not set anything permanent here. I live with my best friend, her husband and their bandmate. I spend a lot of my time in my room, but do socialize and engage with them regularly.
My friends and family all say I’m a nice guy. I think I’m an honest guy and sometimes people don’t like that. It takes a while for me to warm up to people but once I do they tend to warm up to me too. I have 2 best friends, one’s a straight guy (Eric) and one’s a straight girl (Suzanne). You can ask either of them about me and they’ll tell you the truth, good and bad. I have a small circle of friends that I see regularly, and a large circle of friends I see on Facebook or know from years past that I have moved away from.
I have 2 families. One is my blood relatives all of whom we share the same Mother (who passed back in 2001 or 2002? I don’t remember) and one foster family of whom I lived with for 2 years in my youth. I changed my name legally to honor my foster father back in 2009 (he passed suddenly in 2008) and at that time changed my first name to James with a Z. I love both my families and consider myself lucky to have them.
I’ve not been in a long term relationship before really. I was engaged to a guy and that lasted about a year before he called it off. I had a sexual relationship with one guy for 4 years and loved him very much. But other than that not lived with another man that was my own. I do adjust/mold myself to fit into situations and make things work, so I’m not worried about fitting in with someone, I think I do that well.
Sales is my current occupation, I’ve been doing it for a little over a year now and I’m doing it well by all measurable standards. I’ve been an Office Manager, Personal Assistant, Data Geek and worked in a grocery store a long time ago. I have only had one bad review in my careers and it shocked the hell out of me, I think she just didn’t like me.
So anyway, that’s me. I’m looking for him, that one special guy
Jamez April 2021Jamez May 2021
Jamez 1988 Senior PicJamez September 2021brrr winterBirthday Boy
I don’t know what to do with “friends” that disagree with me on moral issues. It’s a bit of a quandary.
There is right and wrong and the two are usually pretty easy to tell. There are, I suppose, gray areas as well – things that don’t fit in right or wrong. However, the moral issues I’m talking about are pretty stark.
For instance, I think it’s wrong to murder people. Now most people I know would agree with that statement I’m thinking.
But what about abortion, I’ll hear, you support that don’t you? Well yes I do. But I have a different definition of life than some people do I guess and think it’s not my body or my embryo so it’s none of my damn business. Do I think this is a gray area… yeah I guess, but it’s fueled by religion and that taints everything really in my opinion.
Murder, taking the life of another human being… that’s black and white. It’s wrong to take another life. This isn’t a “well I’m not sure” or a “but what if”. I believe that taking another life is wrong. Even in self defense I think you could wound pretty significantly without ending their life. It’s not up to us to decide who lives and who dies…
In the case of Kyle Rittenhouse I find that I have many friends who think he did nothing wrong. That it is ok to leave your home, with a gun, travel outside your neighborhood and patrol the streets as a vigilante. He shot three men, killing two of them, but they think he did nothing wrong that he’s “innocent”. I can’t wrap my head around it – I can’t see their point of view. I can’t fathom a world that thinks what he did was ok.
I’m a fan of vigilantes. I read and love comic books and have since I was a kid. Most superheroes have moral codes that keep them from killing, keep them from doing things that are wrong. Maybe that’s where I’m messed up, I relied on comic book heroes for my morals and reverence for life. Batman says “heroes don’t kill”.
But I do have a very close friend who said “I just don’t know” when I was talking about the Rittenhouse case. I’m hoping that they just aren’t familiar with the case, that there isn’t a gray area in their minds that is letting them think he might have been doing the right thing.
This can’t be the right thing. Killing people can’t be the right thing.
I have friends that I strongly disagree with on political nonsense. They swing way right, I swing in the middle. I’m not a fan of either of the big parties, I’m not a fan of career politicians, geriatric nominees, or suppressing the vote. I think both parties lie enough to the citizens of our country that they should be tried for crimes against our nation. It’s awful. Here, vote for the lesser evil.
And that I guess depends on your definition of evil. Right and wrong again, you know it when you see it.
I think it’s right to provide food stamps for families in need.. this is because I grew up in a family that was needy and those stamps kept me fed sometimes.
I believe that religion has too much say in politics and the rights and responsibilities of the human race.
I think if we’re the land of the free and the home of the brave, we should all have the same rights and responsibilities.
I’m not a fan of the death penalty. Why should they get off so easily? My grandmother had a bumper sticker that read “some people are so opposed to murder, they’ll kill anyone that commits it”
I don’t think we belong in any more wars, we’ve done enough damage to the world and it’s time to come home and fix up our own side of the street.
I believe suppressing votes is happening because a certain party is afraid of the voice of the people.
I believe the people have lost their voice to distractions from social media to fake news… fake news is all of it, it’s all designed to get you to react and less about informing you of what’s going on.
I believe Donald Trump incited a riot, and that people in this riot wanted to overthrow the government based on his urgings.
I worry that I have friends that believe in chem trails and microchips in vaccines.
I worry that I have friends that think the one doctor they found on YouTube the disagrees with all the experts is the guy to believe.
What I want is, sigh, I’m not sure what I want. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what I want. What we need is for people to be able to identify good and bad on the same level again…. if we ever did to begin with. We need there to be repercussions when you do something wrong, those repercussions should be equal to the wrong that was done in some way other than death.
Here’s the thing, I don’t think of myself as a nice guy. But I am. I give rides to people that need rides, I grant my shoulder to those that need one to cry on, I listen when no one else has the time to listen. Am I the one to decide what’s right and what’s wrong? I’m not the best guy for the job. But I believe and was taught that you know. You know down deep what’s right and what’s wrong. You know killing others isn’t right. You know hurting others is wrong. You KNOW these things, without me having to tell you or manipulate you … you just know… I have to believe I’m not the only one who just knows when I’m doing right or when I’m doing wrong.
But what do you do with these friends that “don’t know” or think bad is good… how do you keep them as friends, how do you not argue with them or worry about the world with them thinking the way they think.
You can unfriend them on Facebook I suppose, but what about real life, life outside of “Meta” lol
Do I have to argue with them? no. Do I have to agree with them? no. But can I keep good conscience knowing they have a different definition of right and wrong than I do… it’s like me believing 2 + 2 = 4 and them believing it equals 7. Can I be ok with them thinking it’s what should be four is seven? I don’t think I can.
I have a friend, Robert, who gives no fucks. You don’t see reality – unfriended. You hate on people/races/gender identity what have you – unfriended. He’s very strict about it and vocal on how he feels and sees the world. I respect him and I know he believes 2 + 2 = 4. I’m not Robert, I still tolerate the ignorant, hateful, arrogantly incorrect… I still allow them to pollute my timeline… Part of it is curiosity, I want to know what crazy shit they’re thinking today.
But I don’t think it’s good for me. I’m not sure… it’s a gray area for me.
This was a long rant, I’m not sure I went anywhere with it. Right is right, wrong is wrong… it’s never been hard for me to tell the difference, I don’t know why it is for others.. or why what’s right has become something so wrong.
Sometimes, more often that I’d like to admit, I can’t sleep. Insomnia is a big deal and it literally keeps me awake at night. I’ve tried a bunch of different things to combat this – stopped drinking caffeinated beverages, stayed up really late to make myself more tired, took a nap when I first got home… and more. None of that worked for me.
I’d done some mindfulness meditation and sometimes that can help get me to a place where I just drift off, but that then leads me to get sleepy when I mediate as well. Might be worth it if it were a guaranteed solution to the problem.
What I usually do, instead of counting sheep, is draw xes across my hear in my mind.. one line, then another, then another. The idea was formed from an old news article I read where a kid with a tumor would imagine a video game where he was destroying the tumor with spaceships and that killed it… likely he had radiation, chemo and the like but that wasn’t the headline so I didn’t really read the entire article.. that’s the American way you know. However, I thought visualization might be the key for me.
If I spend each night, or most nights drawing a cross across my heart it may just give out during the night and I wouldn’t wake. That would be ideal to just pass in my sleep… I had considered drawing xes on a vision of my brain but I have this fear of being in a vegetative state and no one letting me die… like that one girl congress came back from vacation to save her life… which was such a ridiculous mess if you ask me… let people die, what’s wrong with you people.
Anyway… I’m still here and still breathing and the heart is still beating….. so it doesn’t work, trust me I’ve been doing this for a while now.
Last night instead of doing that I thought “maybe i just need to let go, if I just relax my body and mind and completely let it all go I’ll just fade away” that kept me up for a while, thinking on that and how it might be a solution. Didn’t work, obviously, here I am writing a blog post about wishing I were gone.
Thing is, I don’t want to go violently or make a mess… I just want to go. I mean, if I were to get shot while just doing what I normally do or die in a car crash I didn’t cause… well I’m not going to struggle to hold on… but if I had my way it would be easier to just go.
I ponder frequently about why we, as a society, don’t have a simpler way to do this. I guess most people don’t think like this… so why would they think a solution would be needed. But I reflect on the many suicides in the world each day and how they went… can’t we make it easier for them and survivors… just make it a new part of our culture… someone wants to die… who are we to say “No you can’t”. You want to live and I’m not saying “no you can’t” so how is it fair?
not that life is fair I guess…
I don’t actually think that all suicide is because someone is depressed or mad or running away… I think sometimes, me in particular, some people just are done… it’s a nihilist thing I guess… not caring, not wanting to have anything to do with anyone or anything… just wanting to be done.
So tonight, like last night, I will just try to let go of reality and pass… I’m not hopeful, but strangely it’s something to look forward to.
The story goes the ancient gods gave Pandora a box to protect and never open. But curiosity got the better of her and she opened the box which kept safe all the evils of the world. Pandora panicked and closed the box, leaving inside one thing – hope.
I always thought that story was a little odd – is hope an evil that didn’t get to escape? and if it’s not an evil but didn’t get to escape how is there still hope? that Zeus was a crafty bugger.
I was recently presented … well, more accurately, I presented myself with a Pandora’s box. I crafted it myself and filled it with expectation, hope, anticipation, pride, justifications and right. It was a beautiful box and I loved to polish it and make it shine – the beauty of it called to me and beckoned me to open it. I fought the temptation for a good long while, I thought better of my desires to see what was in the box – I set it aside and thought it would keep… but it kept glinting in the sunlight of the spirit, happiness would make the box more tempting.
I took steps to open it, I jimmied the lock open and let it sit – it was almost like I could hear it calling to me each day “just open the lid, come see the wonders we have to offer you”
I had a moment of clarity – slam it shut, change your mind, you don’t want to know what’s in there… but the moment was fleeting.
I threw open the box and found what appeared to be treasures and gifts – but what turned out to be hurt pride, doubts, and anger. Now those gifts are festering spoiled fruits that have lost their taste.
I’m not sure hope is still in there and I think the spoiled fruit may have caused me to lose my appetite for what I found so promising.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever learn to be happy with what I have and just live the life that I have… ugh.
I was at a meeting a few months back and a guy shared about how he tended to lose girlfriends when he wouldn’t pay attention to them, didn’t show up, only showed up when he needed something or neglected them. They’d likely not be very happy with him and he’d have to work hard to keep the relationship or lose them. He then related that to his higher power – that’s how he sometimes treated his higher power, just there for his own purposes when he wasn’t busy or if he was in a jam. He asked us, was that a way to continue to have a healthy relationship with that higher power that you need to stay sober.
I honestly thought it was a pretty decent analogy – but all through his share I was applying it to the home group (not the higher power). I think a home group is the same way – if we treat it with respect, attend regularly and love it (I use Chuck C’s definition of love “service – giving of your self completely expecting nothing in return”) it’s going to continue to grow and prosper. If we fail to attend regularly or only show up for the spot check sobriety stop when we’re particularly resentful it’s going to lose its specialness.
If I don’t water the plants each week at the office they’ll die, maybe not today or tomorrow but that lack of sustenance is what it relies on. We have to treat the things we need in life – in life – the same way. Is this thing – this job, this meeting, this person – something I want to continue? Is it something that I would like to stay around not just for the benefit of me, but for the benefit of others? If so, what am I wiling to do to help that continue – to help it grow, change and bear fruit?
Sometimes I get all full of self-righteousness and don’t want to do all the work that’s required for these things. I’d like to sit back and let other people shake hands, clean up, set up the meeting – I’m pretty grumpy when that kind of thought process is going on, but I do still get that way. I can be silent, frown a lot and rub my “no questions” tattoo… but it’s really me that’s screwed up. I’m letting imaginary feelings and misinterpreted words screw with my serenity. I can fix it, sometimes I fix it in a snarky way… but usually i fix it by giving of myself, expecting nothing in return. That whole being selfless thing is what helps make me a good person again – when I’m full of self I’m not really me at all… (don’t make me angry… you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry)
Tonight a bunch of old friends and I were texting and something we loved is changing or dying. There was some finger-pointing and some blame placing… It saddens me. I’m well removed from the area now, so it’s probably easy for me to sit back and not be emotionally invested, I haven’t been a part of this thing since I moved really. This thing we created though… it changed me (and I fought it tooth and nail), it gave me new friends (and I don’t like people), it gave me new experiences…. I’m pretty happy that happened. I wish I could save it but I don’t live there anymore and as much as I wish it otherwise – I’m not a superhero.
My friends who are there – thank you for being my friends, I’m so glad we created this thing and grew with it. If you save it or let it go – maybe it’s not a choice for us…. either way, it was an experience.
I found out that my first sponsee, David R, passed away yesterday. David was a real alcoholic, he struggled to find the answer in AA and was the kind of drunk who’d been in treatment centers and involved with the courts countless times. He was, for all intents and purposes, hopeless – that’s the kind of drunk you don’t think is going to make it and then BOOM they get it and their whole life is changed… but that didn’t happen for him. He had brief moments of sobriety when I knew him, and then the crushing fall back into the disease – it was hard to watch for me, probably a lot harder to watch for his family. I feel guilt – maybe I didn’t read him the right part of the book, or show him how good it would be or … I don’t know, a million things, but it’s not about what I did or didn’t do, I tried – I reached out my hand and offered a way out, the same way that was shown to me, that’s all I was bound to do.
David is the guy I wrote about and got published in the A.A. Grapevine – ( Read story here ). I was working over nights at the Fahrman Center, a treatment center/halfway house, when David called and was suicidal. I talked to him for a good long time and eventually had the police get out there to get him – he was taken to the psychiatric unit at the local hospital, but not before he made me promise to come up and see him there and bring my fellow AA’s with me. That morning, likely before the sun came up I called all the guys on my list and a bunch of us went to see him. That phone call and follow up visits by AAs to him opened up an avenue for that hospital and the District to talk to one another, we started a pager program and started to carry the message to drunks up there – it changed things.
But David didn’t stay sober, I don’t remember when he got drunk after that – but I know he was sober for a while and he seemed happy. He kept focusing on getting his family back and how he could get sober if he had them, but I knew from the book that wasn’t the case…
“Let no alcoholic say he cannot recover unless he has his family back. This just isn’t so. In some cases the wife will never come back for one reason or another. Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God. We have seen men get well whose families have not returned at all. We have seen others slip when the family came back too soon.” Alcoholics Anonymous, pp 99-100
He wouldn’t, or maybe couldn’t hear that and he got drunk.
The last time I saw David he had called me and was really drunk, he was staying at a little motel down the highway and I went to see him. He looked pretty bad, was still drunk as hell and was hard to understand. He started to talk about bad things that had happened to him as a child- but then he just passed out.
I’d get reports once in a while from friends who work in the Drug and Alcohol treatment field once in a while – and I always hoped he’d show up one day at a meeting I’d get to when I was visiting, but it didn’t happen.
I’ve cried a bunch of times today – a few times for happy reasons before I heard this news – but mostly for David. I so want to grab a slipping newcomer and just slap him silly
“Don’t you see, can’t you see this will happen to you to”
“just do what we’ve asked, and you’ll see, it’ll all get better”
but I know that won’t work… I used to hear in meetings “You can’t see until you can see and you can’t hear until you can hear” and it’s sadly so true. For some there’s nothing I can do to help them until they’re ready – and some sadly will never be ready.
I was at my current sponsor Flo’s house when I heard about David today, I was helping him prepare a memorial for his first sponsor who passed a few weeks ago. And it was just the right place to be at the right time – I find it hard to cry in front of people, even my sponsor, and he left the room. Here we were, preparing to honor the man who had reach him only to hear about the loss of a man I couldn’t reach. That’s AA for you, I was where I was supposed to be today.
The old-timers and the book say that even though David didn’t stay sober, I did and that’s a good thing – that doesn’t make me feel better at all. I want it all, I want David to be next to me at a meeting grinning at newcomers who can’t pronounce anonymity and shaking hands at the door. I want them all to get it and to have a better life and to see how a few simple rules can change the world.
I believe in Alcoholics Anonymous, because it worked for me when I worked for it – I didn’t get it when I just stayed on the outskirts and watched others participate. When David was participating and shaking hands he seemed happier than I’d seen him before – I saw change in him. But our book says others are likely to see the change in newcomers before they see it in themselves, that may have been the case with David, I’m not sure.
There is a solution, I’ve found it, it was shown to me by sponsors who had it shown to them by sponsors who had it shown to them by sponsors… it’s been working for over 75 years now. We have a lot of people to try to reach out to, I want to be the helping hand to show them the way out, I want to see them help others and watch a marvelous fellowship grow up about them. I wanted that for David, I want that for all my sponsees – the fellowship I have around me is so vast now, reach across continents, internets and handshakes – I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
