Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Tag: Jamez

  • The Root of the Problem

    So back in November I had work done to prepare for two crowns – this was about 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. I was in pretty serious pain – like 2 Advil and Tylenol like every four to six hours and even waking up in the middle of the night in pain and having to take more and go to bed. I was getting grumpier and grumpier – it wasn’t my best experience at the dentist (is there such a thing?).

    I called after four days of this and they assured me since the teeth were next to one another it would likely be more painful for longer than normal… so I kept on keeping on.  But the holiday was approaching and even more importantly, my birthday, so I wanted to be able to end this nastiness. I called and got snippy with the dentist when they said there was nothing they could do – then they called shortly after to let me know my crowns had arrived and it might alleviate the issues if they were placed.

    The dentist called me into his office and I was ready, damn ready for the pain to stop. I was in the chair, the dentist came in. Didn’t even look at my mouth but said “oh yeah, you likely need a root canal”. I took off work for him to tell me that WTF! I was pretty upset, maybe I was upset about the root canal thing too and it was helping to feed the fire cause after he told me “root canal” I started to hyperventilate, sweat and considered suicide (I kid you not, that’s what happens in my fucked up little mind). With the help of his staff I secured an appointment the 2nd of Dec… so after Thanksgiving :-(. I did manage to eat at Thanksgiving and enjoy myself but had lots of ibuprofen with me to help get through.

    That night at my meeting I talked to my sponsor, I was really fearful about the root canal and made that clear. I also shared that I was mad at the dentist – he asked “cause you don’t know if you can trust him now?” and honestly that didn’t occur to me until that moment – I was all mad cause he wasted my time. It never occurred to me that he might have gone too deep or something and caused the damage, not sure if that’s how it works or not…

    Root canal day came and I had the day off – I was pretty nervous and not sure if I would have the root canal done that day or not… was it just a consult or the real deal… also was it two root canals or just one… I tried not to think about anything about it for fear of panic attacks again. It was also a new place, a different dentist and that’s not at all comforting.

    The new place was just down the road a bit, nice enough with cramped waiting room and many people. Is that good or bad? I can’t decide. I waited quite a while before a handsome step or two above a dentist showed put to take a look. They took more X-rays and said “Yep, looks bad, but we want to run a test first” He took this little stick thing and touched it to each of my teeth and told me to raise my hand when I felt it – first tooth raised my hand after a second, second tooth almost immediately and the third tooth didn’t feel at all… “Yep, that ones dead” he said. He then said he was going on the assumption the second tooth was just inflamed due to the other and he was only going to do one root canal.

    They then put me in a different room and gave me some drugs. Told me to raise my hand if I felt anything, then they had me hold something to the roof of my mouth and that’s all I remember… until suddenly pain and I remembered to raise my hand. I had a dull ache. That was it… I guess they knocked me out and I probably signed something telling them they could but I don’t recall that 🙂 I went home with some pain meds and was uncomfortable most of the day.

    So that was December 2nd and I had a few days of pain that was medicated mostly with ibuprofen, but the pain that woke me up at night and made me more irritable was not there. I had sensitivity to cold and hot and when I’d brush my teeth, but hey that’s avoidable. My regular dentist was called to put on my permanent crowns and the earliest I could get in was today – December 30th.

    They shot me full of Novocaine and did some removing of temporary fillings from the root canal… I was still pretty sensitive even with the shots. But soon it was over and now I have two teeth in my mouth that feel really weird and they likely will for a while more.

    I’m glad this part is over and the new year is upon us…. but I know already from the X-rays I’ll need at least one more crown in the coming year and with that comes the fear… sigh… oh well, I’ll worry (or try not to worry) about that then.

  • Put the "fun" in Funerals

    I’ve been thinking about funerals lately – near death experiences by a couple of folks have put dying in my rotating thought patterns. Then I start thinking about wills and cremation and making sure there is a gold coin in my mouth before I’m burned – just in case I end up at the river Styx and need to pay Charon, being stuck on this side of the river would be rather boring I’d think.

    Who’s funerals do I have to attend? Seems an odd question doesn’t it? There must be some kind of etiquette that tells me  the ones I have to go to. Obviously close family, but not the bible thumping crazy aunt – unless she’s come into a fortune and me getting a chunk of it is dependent on attending the morbid death ritual – and even then, probably not. Co-workers (current job or all the others? Fellow AAs (maybe just the ones that weren’t annoying)? Certainly former sponsors, certain ex bosses and a lover or two…

    I figure that I had to make my own rules for this kind of thing and decided that if I would invite them to my own wedding – not for gifts, but because I actually enjoy their company – then I’d be willing to put up with a funeral. Granted, I have no intention of getting married, much to selfish to give up my free time, but if I were and wanted to invite some people – those are the people that I’d miss if they were dead – most likely… maybe… I guess (more…)

  • I Know Better

    I always think I know better. It almost doesn’t matter what the case is – I have a better solution than the one you’re suggesting or using. Someone suggests something – I’ll think about it, but I probably already have a plan that’s better than that.

    For example, going canoeing for the first time outside Washington DC back in 98 or 99 people suggested sunscreen, but I wasn’t a city boy, I could take a little sun and be fine. Didn’t matter how long we’d be outside I don’t need not stinking sunscreen… burned the hell out of the top of my thighs, they were almost purple and it hurt pretty bad for a few days. I thought I knew better but obviously I didn’t. (more…)

  • When I End Up in Prison

    When I start to plan on what I will do when I end up in prison I think on it fondly… maybe I’d get solitary confinement, think of all the quiet time I’d have to read books I’ve been meaning to read, just lie there on a cot and read book after book after book… especially in solitary – all that aloneness, singing songs off key, talking to myself about the secrets of the universe….

    and then I remember I don’t really do things that are likely to get me in prison… so it doesn’t matter. That quiet alone time with some big muscle daddy in our own cell, so much easier to meet that kind of guy in prison rather than bars and night clubs… yeah, that’s not going to happen, I stay out of trouble now.

    then I think, what if I ended up in witness protection program, that could happen… anyone can witness something dangerous just by being in the wrong place at the wrong time… a strange town working some job I never applied for and having to meet new people and make an entire new life… that sounds awful and wonderful at the same time, they’d probably try to get me to act differently and keep a low profile …

    But what about AA? could I still go to AA meetings? how do you work an honest program living a lie…can you really trust your sponsor and do a fearless and thorough inventory? Maybe he’s a plant put there by the Feds to test me or working with the mob out to kill me… round ups and conferences would definitely be off the table, I’d be trapped in some small town with crappy AA BAH! I couldn’t do it… just shoot me already!

    I’m probably better off here, working a job I like most of the time… going to AA meetings I love and keeping my loved ones foremost in my mind… yeah, I’ll do that for the rest of the day…

    Tomorrow though, maybe I’ll get abducted by aliens… now that would be fun!

  • Jamez and Bill take NYC

    Early following the engagement party at my house, Bill and I headed to NYC via Amtrak for a weekend of theater in the Big Apple. The train ride was smooth and he and I enjoyed watching Toy Story 3 on my iPad which made the time fly by.

    When we arrived at Penn Station we met up with his niece Christina before heading off to our hotel the Hampton Inn. We all were hungry so we went to lunch at B. Smiths right near our hotel.

    Then we went out to be touristy and before I knew it Bill had purchased us all tickets to see the Radio City Music Hall’s Christmas Spectacular where not only did we get to see Santa, we  enjoyed a wonderful show.

    Before we knew it the time had flown by and we were back at the hotel getting ready for our first scheduled show Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown at the Belasco Theatre.  Bill was very excited as he’s a huge fan of one of the actresses, Patti LuPone. In all honesty I thought the play overall was just ok. I wasn’t all that impressed with the story and it seemed a little slow. Justin Guarini of American Idol was in it and he was actually quite good. I think Laura Benanti stole the show though, she was just very funny and entertaining.

    After the Women we headed to the Disney Store to look at every single piece of merchandise available, both Bill and Christina are huge movie fans. It was late at night but I swear it was wall to wall people. And then to top the evening off we had NY Style pizza before we headed back to the hotel.

    Sunday morning I got up early to get coffee for all of us at the Starbucks across the street, but Bill and Christina slept in and didn’t want cold coffee (can I help that I wake up at dawn?). The breakfast at a diner near the hotel, before we took Christina to the train and sent her back to Yale.

    Angels in America (Part One) at the Signature Theatre, started at 2 and we had seats right in the center of the theater – it was spectacular. There was the one guy who smelled horribly like urine, but he wasn’t seated near us – thank you God. We really were engrossed in the story from the get go, the only role that we didn’t feel as real was played by Zoe Kazan (as Harper Pitt), to me it was like she was reading the lines from a book and not attached to what she was saying. She also played one other small role (we think) a young lawyer, which she actually pulled off well – but I’ve jumped ahead, that’s part two.

    When Part 1 came to a close we went out to find a restaurant near by and were soon at Forty-Fourth and X in Hell’s Kitchen – where the food was ok, but not anything to rave about. After we were seated Zachary Quinto walked in and sat at a table behind me. Zachary is playing Louis Ironson in Angels in America and is known to me as Spock from the new StarTrek movie. It was rather cool. Just moments earlier I had seen his penis on stage and here he was eating near me… /swoon. I kept my cool and kept eating and trying to engage Bill in conversations, but he was enamored by the site of Zachary and no matter what I talked about his eye kept wandering. I know they were making love to one another from across the room… I can’t take him anywhere.

    Even after Bill spent an entire evening flirting with Zachary Quinto, it was a great night. Part two of Angels in America was just as wonderful as part one was. I had seen the mini-series on HBO years past, but the actors and actresses (except where mentioned above) had pulled me so deeply into the story I forgot I was in a theater at all, but living a part of the story.

    Monday we were to head home, but stopped first at Midtown Comics and as I browsed the massive selections Bill sought life size action figure of Zachary. Then off to Amtrak where we did crosswords together all the way back to DC.

    We had a really great time, if anyone of you run into Zachary while you’re in NYC please tell him to leave my guy alone, he’s taken! 😉

  • Wedding Wrench

    Planning a wedding can seem like an insurmountable challenge. There are things that keep coming up that I haven’t thought about, things that I thought about but not enough about… it can seem like a lot to get done. Fortunately everything is still months away and will likely go smoother then I anticipate right now.

    I sent an email to a hotel in San Francisco for the reception giving them the parameters of the wedding (e.g. how many people, dates, vegetarian, non-drinkers, and so on) and the next day, as promised, I received a call asking me more details about the event which I provided. I was told someone else would be contacting me about specifics.

    When that someone contacted me it suddenly became clear to her that Bill and I were both guys, I don’t know how she missed it earlier. She then said “Oh, I was told this was a wedding and didn’t realize it was a commitment ceremony, I’m very excited for you both”.

    That was the last I heard from her, I was handed off to someone else who apologized for the “confusion and the change of hands” and said she would be my point of contact from here on out.

    I know it may seem silly and petty to some folks, but it’s not a commitment ceremony – it’s a wedding. I am going to marry the man I love in a church, in front of the people who love us and in the eyes of God. I may not be fortunate enough to get the same rights and privileges that straight couples get on that same day, but I will someday and I resent that you think my special day is “less than”.

    I want someone to explain how my love of someone of the same-sex is somehow not as valid as the eight times my mother married, the three times Rush Limbaugh married or countless others have been married.

    While we were in San Francisco two weekends ago we heard talk that the State of California plans to validate the marriages of any same-sex couples that were married before Prop 8 is finally struck down for good, and they believe it will be. I hope so, but it really doesn’t matter, as far as I’m concerned and as far as the God of my understanding is concerned – Bill and I will be married on June 25.

  • Reflections on a Starr

    My sister Amy asked me to post some fond memories of my Grandmother Starr the other day on Facebook. At the time I couldn’t recall any pleasant memories as I have a particularly unpleasant one that happened during one of our last communications.

    My Grandmother is old, but not dying to the best of my knowledge, but there was a recent scare and everyone got all sentimental. Well, I’ve kind of distanced myself, so I didn’t… I’m just mental everyday. She must be in her late 80s or early 90s at this point and I haven’t seen her since my mother died, which I think was in 2004, but I can’t recall, at my Mother’s funeral and Grandmother didn’t even know who I was, so I can’t imagine that she’d remember me today either.

    I was told that my Grandmother provided food and shelter to my mother, my sister (Dawn) and I when I was a newborn – as my father was always drunk (or so they say). She often provided food for my family in later years when my mother was always drunk.

    When Dawn and I were fairly young we would join our Grandmother at Nuclear Protest rallies where she would take up her guitar on the large stage and sing protest songs, songs that she had written and speak out against nuclear power. Dawn and I would sing together songs that were familiar to us (Barbara Mandrell, Oak Ridge Boys, Alabama… mostly country stuff) on the stage to much fanfare while Grandmother played the guitar. It could have launched our careers and turned us into 1980s version of Justin Beiber, but alas – I was a big old drama queen and would throw fits if Dawn started the song on the wrong beat or sounded off key… yes, on stage. Me? I was always on. 😉

    The family curse (that when you become a teenager you can’t live with Mom anymore) sent me to live with Grandmother. I was horrible to her, often stealing money from her purse, cutting the screen windows to use the screen as a filter for bongs, burned bibles (one I understand was a Family Bible – whatever that means) and just being a general shit head. She tolerated a lot of shit from me and my friends while I lived there, she should get recognition for that if nothing else.

    I will always remember her bringing music into my world, exposing me to the Dulcimer, the Guitar, the Piano. She’s the one that got me writing, she kept a diary and wrote her own songs and stories. She really was/is something special.

    In 1998, when I came out of the closet after I had moved to Washington, DC, I received a letter from her basically damning me for my “choice” to be gay. That’s the most current memory I have of her and it’s not a pleasant one. Since that letter I’ve had very little to do with her or her other children – truly I’m probably better off.

    I hope that in this life those who got to know her, got to know the parts of her that inspired, taught and sang to me and not the parts that led her to condemn me to hell.

  • iRead, iWork, iPlay – iPad

    I am just continuously impressed with my iPad and how much it can do with such ease.

    First, I love the size and weight of it. It weighs so little compared to my Macbook, image of iPadbut a little more than my Kindle weighs and fits in the smallest of carry on bags for me to take with to the airport. I’ve bought a nice little bag for it which also is big enough to carry other travel essentials – it has a pocket for my iPod.

    I bought the 64GB iPad, the largest size available, and don’t keep my music on it as that would take all of my memory – I can’t pick and choose which music I might want to hear traveling across the country. Whereas my iPod has over 5000 songs and room for more at present.

    I’ve rented and downloaded a movie and some TV shows that I’ve watched on my iPad while on a plane trip to San Antonio. The sound, the picture quality and the large screen are just wonderful to have with me.

    In addition to being able to read my Kindle books on it, I can also read digital comic books from Marvel, DC and Image (there are other comic companies but I read primarily from these) all of which have an app specifically designed for the iPad. Let me tell you, its beautiful to see the characters on this screen – absolutely love it. The price for some of these comics is a little extreme and hopefully it’ll come down as we progress into the future.

    I have apps for news (Huffington Post, Cnet, ABC News), games (Jumbline2, Slice It and more), work (from Apple’s iWork series I have Pages and Numbers – if Microsoft was smart they’d get an app out for Word and Excel soon), music (Pandora and iTunes) and photos.There are also some that are just cool, Wikihood, Starwalk, Netflix… I could go on and on.

    It’s just an amazing tool that allows me to do all of these things on such a small, light device. I know it might seem like an expensive toy, but it’s really a very effective tool for all aspects of life. I’m glad I spent the cash on mine and suggest you give it a shot yourself.

  • Helpless

    Last week I received news that one of my best friends had tried to take their own life – thankfully they weren’t successful. Afterward, it was discovered that the suicidal thoughts had been growing more insistent in the last few weeks; they had been struggling with some issues for years; and they had kept it all to themselves.

    My first reaction to the news was one of fear and anger mixed with a lot of confusion – how did it get to this point? Then I would wonder how I had failed at the position of “best friend” if I couldn’t see how much they were hurting and how desperate they were for help. Then again wanting to punch them in the face for trying such a cowardly act as this or tears coming in sheets down my face for the thought of this world without them.

    It’s hard to sit half a country away and know all this is happening to someone you love, it’s harder still to know even the family and friends that are there with them are as helpless as I am, as befuddled, fearful and angry. I worry about the family, they are my family and I just don’t know how they’re going to get through this… then I remember God.

    I remember that I wouldn’t even have these people in my life if it weren’t for God, I wouldn’t even have my best friend still alive if not for His grace, his love, his support.

    Knowing and letting go are two very different things… and I’m still struggling a bit with the letting go. Still wondering how we got to this point and what we can do to get out of it.

    It wasn’t that long ago that I found myself wanting to jump off a balcony ( See Here) and end it all, and things were going pretty well for me at the time. I guess I don’t understand how depression works, how suicidal thoughts can get so prominent in our heads that we can’t see any other way out of situations.

    If you find yourself in a situation where you think suicide is the only option, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at

    1-800-273-8255

    There is always hope, always another way, always someone who loves you in the darkest of situations that can offer you a helping hand, a hug, a heartbeat.

  • Paragraph

    When I was young my parents moved around a lot (for various reasons, most of them having to do with alcoholism) and as a result I ended up attending several different elementary schools – sometimes we would show up mid-term at these new schools. No one seemed to have the same curriculum so besides having to make new friends and get used to the new surroundings I also had to figure out what the heck it was that I was supposed to have been taught already.

    This became a problem for me when a teacher asked everyone to read a paragraph or two from a story. The two kids before me each read a bit, I have no idea what they read I was busy trying to figure out what the hell a paragraph was. It was my turn and I still didn’t know what one was so I just started reading.

    As I read I went through the information in my mind trying to ascertain if I’d been taught this and forgotten already or if this was an entirely new word and was baffled. All this thinking in my head had me distracted so words that I knew how to pronounce tied my tongue in knots and made me feel more insecure than before. Not only did I not know what a paragraph was, but now all the other kids think I’m a moron. Great way to start a new school. As I still had no clue what a paragraph was I just kept reading and reading and reading – finally I was so embarrassed that I stopped in the middle of a particularly long (what I was to discover later) paragraph.

    There was an eerie silence in the classroom then. I imagine they all wondered if I was going to keep reading, having heard me stumble through several paragraphs poorly they probably hoped not. Eventually the teacher must have nodded to the girl behind me and she picked up where I dropped the ball. I was mortified, I recognized that I screwed up, the silence and awkwardness was too much for me.

    Eventually I did learn what a paragraph was, I don’t think anyone ever set me down to tell me it was just a general observation of other classes. Today when I’m in a meeting and reading out loud I flash back to that morning class and still feel a sense of calamity and chaos spread through me – but at least I know when to stop now.