Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Tag: hope

  • A Small Rant

    I had a conversation tonight with two gentlemen I respect – well mostly I listened 😉 We were talking about how the American way apparently is to take and keep taking. It isn’t about give and take or about giving until your heart bleeds – the American way is about pleasing yourself. No more being nice, no more helping for helping sake, no more old softy. I don’t really take them seriously, we’re hurt right now after this election.

    Many people are already tired of the talking and sharing on social media and at the water coolers. This is big stuff folks and will be here until America’s Next Top Model or naked photos of some celeb show up to make us all forget – ‘Murica!

    It’s been an emotional day for me – I’m sad, mad, and scared of the future. I would like to disown some friends and my older biological sister. I would like to deport half the country.

    I’m mad at the gays for being so behind Hillary before the race even started they refused to see her as anything besides the winner. I’m mad at the Democrats for fucking Bernie Sanders (yes, they did). I’m mad at the Democrats for not recognizing that Bernie’s followers wants and needs mattered.

    My friend Randy, he’s a nut really but sometimes he has good moments, said “I don’t think this was so much “for” Trump as it was about being “against” the status quo. I think if Bernie were in the race he would have won. I think the majority of the nation wanted a Bernie, and odd as it sounds, Hillary is soooo career politician, that Donald was the closest thing to a Bernie.” and I think that hits it pretty much on the head. Many will disagree with me – that’s ok, you still have a couple of months of free speech before they take that from us.

    I voted against someone – rather something – else. I voted against Bush and Bush Beta. I voted for Bill Clinton twice, I voted for Obama, also both time. I rather liked that. It was rather nice to have something to vote for rather than against. I didn’t vote for Hillary (never really liked her, don’t have to have a reason but it has nothing to do with Bengazi or emails it’s just a feeling) rather I voted against Trump (hate, fear, intolerance, rudeness, insensitivity). (more…)

  • To Get Off Or Not

    I started taking an anti-depressant at the end of the year called Citalopram (Celexa). I wasn’t really sure it was a good idea but I was in a bad place and was looking for a way out. My regular doctor did an annual “how are you doing” survey on me last fall and suggested it… it wasn’t until the end of the year I took it, I was very reluctant.seemed. The reluctancy comes from a few places.

    First my Mother was crazy… not diagnosed crazy, but a hypochondriac it … Actually seeing how things have played out with my siblings its possible she had real medical issues and mental issues and was never diagnosed or treated properly. But as a kid it appeared as if she were always taking another pill for another made up thing. She never got better, he had peaks and valleys but she’d end up right back where she had been before. This sounds worse than it was… she wasn’t a good mother as in her needs came first – whether it was men, chocolate, romance novels, men or men… we were often a hindrance to what she wanted to do. When we were all teens she sent us all off to live with various relatives she was done. People will say “she did the best she could” but I don’t really buy into that.  (more…)

  • Random Memories

    I cried the first night at the foster home.

    I had been picked up by the police the Friday before, spent the weekend in a group home and then the day with a social worker before arriving. No tears during all of that but that night in own room of the new foster home I cried. Maybe it had finally sunk in that everything I had done that led me to this place all caught up to me, there was no where else to go.

    I hadn’t ever faced consequences of any kind prior to this – not skipping school, smoking or drinking, stealing and vandalism never brought me any time. Until this time… until the one time myself or a friend had the “clever” idea to take the hinges off the locked door. I still believe that had we only taken the time to put the door back on the hinges I would have never been caught. Interesting that that’s the thought that still comes even after 30 years. (more…)

  • Something New

    I can’t study. Or maybe I don’t know how? I’m uncertain. Maybe I forgot how.

    I once studied to be a police officer – had to learn about laws, guns, and algebra. I studied and recopied everything they gave me to prepare. I memorized guns by their shape and abilities. Somehow I passed the written tests to become a police officer with 80% all around (even math)… then they asked me about LSD and I told them the truth – so they said I couldn’t be a police officer. Was kind of sad I suppose. (I think everyone should do LSD at least once, was my favorite drug and I’m fairly certain it’s not physically addicting) (more…)

  • Making Capes Happen

    Making Capes Happen

    This morning I attended an event for the Big Brothers Big Sisters of Central Arizona at the end of the event they gave everyone capes and I wore mine all day afterwards. The central theme of the event was heroes. I’m thinking we could start a new trend and make them fashionable again. Who says the only people that can pull off a cape ‘work’ for the church? Blasphemy I say! Blasphemy!

    Now just imagine me in a skin tight onesie with all my fatness, I’d have to wear my contacts… but hey – sexy, am I right? Ladies? Ladies? Oh wait, I swing for the other team… never mind.

    That’s my friend Katie with me, she’d make a great side kick… I’ll have to think on a good sidekick name for her.. that would be fun.

    Back to the event – we heard from real heroes during breakfast – a veteran, a police chief and then the stars of the show – a Mom, her son (a little) and his Big Brother from the program. It was a little emotional and a great story to kind of tie the morning up.

    When we returned to the office I wrote a little email for the staff so they’d know what we’d been up to and encouraged them to join up with Big Brothers Big Sisters. I also shared about Donnell and how he made a difference in my life, not a part of Big Brothers Big Sisters but still a pretty nice experience for me. (Donnell & Superman).

    At the event they let us know there is a huge waiting list of Little Brothers waiting for someone to come and mentor them. I know a lot of great guys in the valley, not just the ones from AA but work and other avenues… lol that would likely make great mentors for these kids.

    81% of former Littles surveyed agree their Big gave them hope & changed their perspective of what they thought possible. (from the BBBS AZ Website)

    All those kids waiting for someone to show them hope, strength and compassion.

    I know a couple of Big Sisters – Lisa, my ex bosses daughter and my friend is a Big Sister in Central Virginia, she’s pretty amazing anyway but it lets her share that awesomeness with someone else and show them their dreams are a possibility.

    This is something akin to sponsorship – you share your experience, strength and hope with someone else and show them a better way. You show up – bring your A game and mostly have fun. At the very least you help a kid… at the most that kid teaches the joys of giving back.

    If I ever get my life together a little more, I think I’ll give this a shot. I’ve been given a lot of chances and lead toward proper paths by a lot of others examples (Suzanne, Eric, Gary, Jim, Richard, Flo, Bruce, Ma and Pa…. the list likely goes on for quite a ways… ). If AA taught me anything besides how to stay sober it taught me that I have to give it away to keep it.. so I’ll have to take action and make this happen…

    Maybe you should too…

    You can go here to volunteer for  Big Brothers Big Sisters of Central AZ: Volunteer

    You can find out more about Big Brothers and Big Sisters programs all over the country here: http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.9iILI3NGKhK6F/b.5962335/k.BE16/Home.htm

  • Keeping the Spirit Quiet

    “There is, however, a vast amount of fun about it all. I suppose some would be shocked at our seeming worldliness and levity. But just underneath there is deadly earnestness. Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish.” Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill’s Story, Page 16

    “So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn’t we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others.” Alcoholics Anonymous, The Family Afterward, page 132

    People in Alcoholics Anonymous and many of the other 12 step programs, millions if not billions of people, have escaped certain death. We reached a point in our lives the way we were living it where there was no hope – many lost friends, family, spouses and careers as a result of addiction.

    There was a vision in my head of what an AA meeting must look like –

    old men, white t-shirts and overalls on – the smell of cigarettes and bad coffee waft through the room and man after man shares about his tragedy and how horrible life is…

    That was the vision, and in truth I’ve been to a few meetings like that, you can switch out old men for young men or black women or what have you – there are meetings that resemble my old vision all over the country if not the world. Fortunately for me, and people like you, there are many more meetings that aren’t like that at all.

    I had been in the background at meetings my mother attended when i was a child – they seemed pretty somber to me and I didn’t see many people happy, smiling or laughing – maybe the rose-colored glasses were covered in dirt, which is likely. So I entered my first meetings as an alcoholic myself expecting much the same. Instead I found a Pacific Group.

    The Eau Claire Pacific Group in Eau Claire WI was a different kind of meeting for me. There was applause, laughter, oohing and aahing. I saw genuine smiles and people who talked about getting better. That first night I decided to stick around, because obviously these people didn’t know what AA was all about (I was a little over 1 month sober and thought I had it all figured out already).

    I don’t stick around at meetings that aren’t fun with people talking about the joy of living now that we’ve escaped certain doom. I “don’t want what they have” as we say… I want more, I expect more. The Big Book even promises more – there are promises all over the book that I seek during my journey. One of my favorites that has come true again and again in my life is:

    “At once we begin to outgrow fear.” Alcoholics Anonymous, How It Works, page 68

    and most other people like the promises after Step 9 (I think they are over read personally)

    “…We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us…” Alcoholics Anonymous, Into Action, Pages 83 and 84

    So we want to shout it from the rooftops, we have found a solution – we found a way to resurrect the dead… a speaker I like says it “I’m looking at a room full of dead people sitting upright” or something like that. We were the dregs of society that no one really wanted around anymore, but here we are – recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body… “miracles” they say.

    We are loud though… I guess. My home group meets at a church and we are probably 50 strong each week. We have fellowship before and after the meeting and we catch up with friends we might not have seen for a week or more. We laugh, we hug and give one another a hard time. During the meeting when we celebrate birthdays (1 or more years of continuous sobriety) we sing loudly and horribly off-key – on purpose. This is a big deal – someone who at one point couldn’t go a single day without a drink of alcohol has found a solution (most people call that solution God) and is now a contributing member of society… that’s a BFD. We have a “Rule 62” which tells us not to take ourselves too seriously – so we try to enjoy life.

    But the church says we’re being too loud during the music lessons. Now as a functioning, contributing member of society – whom, according to the big book, ceased fighting anything or anyone… I’m supposed to just leave this be. But it’s hard… I would think a church would be happy that a group of men have found the spirit, the joy of living that the church talks about (or at least I figure that’s what they talk about) and would be happy to hear us laugh love and live in their basement each Wednesday night… it should be the great news that is spoken of on Sundays  “Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday nights and Saturday mornings the hopeless have found hope – here in our house of worship” I’d sell the shit out of that and encourage members of my congregation to attend and find the power greater than themselves that will lead them back to the church…

    But I’m not the guy in charge there or anywhere, no matter how many times I think I am – The Director job has been taken by someone else and my job is just to help others. I have to stop and think about what would happen to the alcoholics that needed a meeting if we were asked to leave? What if all the groups were asked to leave the church as a result of my meeting being loud (and happy, joyous and free).

    Each AA group is autonomous except in matters affecting other groups of AA as a whole. (Tradition 4) So there you have it… I have to be responsible again and try to get my fellow members to be a little more quiet before and after the meeting. Because we have a home here and we still have many other alcoholics to show the way out – it’s the only thing we have to do to stay sober – help another alcoholic, and to do that we have to have a place to share our message. This will be hard, but we’ll find a way to make it work.

    (I thought this was just going to be a rant about asking us to be quiet, but once I started writing I saw my own defects and those of my group and that we needed to change… it’s interesting to see different results come out then I expect)

  • Flag Fury

    It’s no more the rebel flag; than Columbine was about trench coats or rape is about clothes girls are wearing.

    Its about living in a culture where its ok to hate others based on their religion, gender, sexual orientation, race disability or a million little things that people hate other people for. People hate entire other religions and races because they were taught to. People somehow learn in “religions of peace” that it’s ok to discriminate, they condemn other lives because they are different than theirs. Our entire culture creates schisms between things that are one way and things that are another way – it’s painful, it’s hurting us and we’re letting it.

    “Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.” Dennis Leary

    A friend posted an article on Facebook the other day “15 Things Alcoholics Anonymous Can Teach the Church” and I liked it, but I’m rather anti-religion and pro-AA (even though some courts have ruled AA a religion and I can see that). Number 10 in that article is “Don’t shoot your wounded” and it says “Judgment or the perception of judgment is often felt in churches”.  That’s often what I think of when I think of churches – hate, fear, demonizing.

    In some respects this can be considered a true statement. The KKK considers itself a “Christian” organization and they think they teach “Christian” principles. Al Queda, Isis, The Westboro Baptist Church all think they teach their idea of “God”‘s principles too.

    We teach girls how to keep themselves from being raped when we should be teaching boys how to not be rapists. We have politicians that blame and entire religion for terrorists acts that happen domestically and abroad. We focus on the color and stars of a flag instead of the tragedy and how we can do a better job (NRA has great spin department I think).

    I know many old people that hold prejudices that they’d held for decades. It was taught to them when they were so young and now it’s the only truth they can see. This worries me… but then I remember what I’ve seen in Alcoholics Anonymous – where we teach love – where human beings who once were the most desolate of society rose up and became contributing members of society and sought only to help another man.

    Today we should mourn. We should reflect back on the lives lost and the good they had done. We should look to the future and see what we can build now, learning from this. We need to teach a message of tolerance, love, hope to the country.. the whole world.

    Start with me. Start by being open minded to things different that I am. Start by reaching out and sharing my experiences with others, letting them know I’m not so different than they are and we have a common bond.  Start by being a better human being… start by loving, giving, helping.

    But don’t focus on a flag – sure it’s in poor taste, but it didn’t pull a trigger, it didn’t share hate… it just is. It has power when you give it power…

  • Pandora's Box

    The story goes the ancient gods gave Pandora a box to protect and never open. But curiosity got the better of her and she opened the box which kept safe all the evils of the world. Pandora panicked and closed the box, leaving inside one thing – hope.

    I always thought that story was a little odd – is hope an evil that didn’t get to escape? and if it’s not an evil but didn’t get to escape how is there still hope? that Zeus was a crafty bugger.

    I was recently presented … well, more accurately, I presented myself with a Pandora’s box. I crafted it myself and filled it with expectation, hope, anticipation, pride, justifications and right. It was a beautiful box and I loved to polish it and make it shine – the beauty of it called to me and beckoned me to open it. I fought the temptation for a good long while, I thought better of my desires to see what was in the box – I set it aside and thought it would keep… but it kept glinting in the sunlight of the spirit, happiness would make the box more tempting.

    I took steps to open it, I jimmied the lock open and let it sit – it was almost like I could hear it calling to me each day “just open the lid, come see the wonders we have to offer you”

    I had a moment of clarity – slam it shut, change your mind, you don’t want to know what’s in there… but the moment was fleeting.

    I threw open the box and found what appeared to be treasures and gifts – but what turned out to be hurt pride, doubts, and anger. Now those gifts are festering spoiled fruits that have lost their taste.

    I’m not sure hope is still in there and I think the spoiled fruit may have caused me to lose my appetite for what I found so promising.

    I’m not sure if I’ll ever learn to be happy with what I have and just live the life that I have… ugh.

  • 12th Annual "Any Lengths" Men's Retreat

    One of the first time I went to my new home group my sponsor invited me to participate in the Any Lengths Retreat committee meeting – what the hell, I thought, I enjoy AA business meetings and the like. At that meeting I started to hear about this retreat they’ve been putting on for 12 years now, and you could hear it in their voices and stories how much they loved this thing and were looking forward to it again this year. Honestly I was reluctant to go at first, I hadn’t even made it my home group yet, these were probably some flaky guys with screwy ideas of recovery and the first few meetings I was at were flukes… Thankfully, I was mistaken. My home groups meetings are consistently on message – step, book, hope based recovery. So I started to believe maybe this retreat was going to be a good thing.

    That was months ago now, I attended many of those committee meetings and having never been was unsure at times what they were talking about – the candle ceremony, the pins, the format… and golf, I guess some of them golfed. That retreat was this weekend.

    The retreat was broken down like so – golf, apparently people like that Friday, then a speaker on Step 1 Friday night. We did a sobriety countdown and the person with the most sobriety lit a candle that the person with the least amount carried to every meeting/event at the retreat – was pretty cool to see that candle there.

    Saturday speakers were broken down as follows, one guy did 2 & 3, another 4 & 5, another 6 & 7 and the last 8 & 9. After each session we counted off  and broke into small groups to share our own experience strength and hope. It was pretty cool – at each session you’d get to hear a different person’s experience and groups were different each time – you might get one or two guys you’d been in a group with before but that was nothing. It was an amazing way for everyone to get to know everyone else a little bit more and to learn… omg did I learn some incredibly useful tools Saturday that’ll help me. The guy for 6 & 7 had a handout and internally I groaned, but it was the best damn handout – it actually really took a good look at those steps and showed them in a little different light.

    Breakfast, lunch and dinner were part of the registration – after the steps 8 & 9 session we broke for dinner, more opportunity to get to know more folks.

    Then it was back to more sharing, we had two guys talk about fellowship and they were good – lots of laughs and there’s just a great group of guys that are core to this group. Afterward we had a guy share his ESH and he knocked it out of the park, great share with a balance of laughter, seriousness, hope and he showed us how he got here. Good stuff.

    Then, an ice-cream social before the poker games – I played in the poker games along with about 12 other guys. It was fun – getting a bunch of sober “honest” guys together bluffing, that’s entertaining lol. I actually came out a winner, not just the money I took from guys, but getting to spend time with a great group. (I’m keeping their money)

    Then this morning after breakfast we did sessions for 10  and then 11, each separately and broke into groups again. I had folks I hadn’t had yet again.. and it was good. We closed the retreat with a wonderful share on the 12th step by a guy I’ve been getting to know for a few months, really wonderful share about helping others and “all our affairs”

    There was one thing that I didn’t like about the retreat – it went by too quickly.

  • The Fire

    On fire with AA.

    I’ve said that about people before, even had it said of me before – usually it’s when they or I am expressing so much gratitude and love for the program that it’s almost too much … like an over sugary dessert, yes it’s sweet but it’s a bit too much almost evangelical. But since the beginning, and I’m taking the liberty of speaking for others here as well (I’ll ask for forgiveness later), there has been some kind of burning since I got to AA.

    At first there was just the spark, a spark of hope – the flimsy reed, that gave us a light to walk towards. “Maybe this AA thing can work for me too”

    that spark ignites the first flames in AA (No, we’re not speaking specifically of gay men… but maybe them too) – we get a sponsor, we start participating in the meeting and maybe start relating to others experience.

    Our sponsors and our group leaders feed that small fire, they put logs and kindling on it – they give us commitments to group and we soon have a hearth, a  place where our fire usually burns – a home if you will.

    When we finally get it, when the solution encompasses us we burn brighter and brighter, hotter and hotter and attract others, they see this roaring fire and are drawn to it, they want the warmth and comfort that we have created.

    Once in a while someone will come along with a poker (mmmmm) and stoke the fire, sending sparks here and there and igniting other flames, a torch has been passed to another who will build their own hearth.

    Yet sometimes we can forget to feed the fire, we can forget to participate and keep it going – maybe think the fire will sustain itself – we aren’t sharing anymore, its ours we want to just sit there in the warmth and be comfortable. No logs and the fire starts to die down. 

    It’s still comforting there, people see the flame and want it, it’s pretty, comforting, attractive – but its slowly becoming smaller and dimmer.

    When the wood is burned up and the red glow of the embers is still there, we can still get a little warmth, we can still see the faint glow of hope – but to share it we really need to stoke the fire – we have to have participation and share our fire to keep it strong.

    I don’t think there are things that can douse an AA flame once its been started – you hear countless people who go out come back and say they remembered the hope they had found in AA and longed for it. I hope you keep your flames bright and comfortable today – and maybe share a spark.