55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Tag: diabetes

Thanksgiving

For the last few years I’ve traveled up to Maryland to have Thanksgiving with my best friend Eric and his family. This year Eric moved from Maryland to Wisconsin – yes on purpose. I traveled to Wisconsin last month so I didn’t see the need to see Eric again so soon. This year, I stayed home in Virginia Beach.

Previous years Eric’s son-in-law Dan would deep fry the turkey. OMG it was amazing, very juicy and tasty, not sure what he basted it with but it was always very tasty. One year he smoked it – not as good. We’d have mashed potatoes (never enough), green bean casserole, stuffing… the works you know. Then finish it off with some pecan and pumpkin pies. Then we’d watch the football games, fall asleep on the sofa or play with Eric’s grandkids. It was always a nice get away.

This year, I stayed local.

I had a morning doctor appointment, check up on my diabetes. The doctor said improvements in my blood work, but still wanted me to lose 10 pounds and eat healthier to get my A1C down more. He does talk a lot to me – which is good and bad – my appointment was at 8:45 and I didn’t get out until 9:30. So I was late for work.

I missed a meeting at work, didn’t mind, the boss filled me in when I got there. I made my calls, followed up on emails and did my regular duties like I always do. I did have a sale which is nice. Work let us off an hour early on Wednesday so I headed home around 4.

I played World of Warcraft when I arrived at home for a couple hours and Suzanne and Brucifer went off to see the Nutcracker so I watched Fluffy for a bit as well. She’s low maintenance so it’s no biggie.

My best friend Suzanne’s parents live nearby and they hosted us on Thanksgiving. Suzanne, Brucifer, Adam, Eileen (Suzanne’s sister), Paris (Suzanne’s niece), Chip and Judy (her parents) and Paris’s roommate, whose name I can’t recall… and I’ve met her several times.

Suzanne made the turkey, in an oven, and her corn soufflé. Judy made a lot of the rest mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, apple pie …. . Eileen made ratatouille. I asked Judy on Monday night if mashed potatoes were on the menu and she assured me they were.

Photo by ASHISH SHARMA on Pexels.com

Chip watched football with me while everything was getting ready. Adam may have watched with us, I can’t recall. Fluffy, the English Bulldog played with her dad Brucifer on the floor while all this went on. The games entertained us while the girls got everything ready.

When they announced dinner was ready – Brucifer was first ini line. I waited until almost everyone had gone as there was a crowd in the kitchen. When it was my turn I loaded up on turkey and mashed potatoes, Just had made a whole bunch of them so there was plenty for me to take extra. They encouraged me to try the ratatouille but after thinking it over I opted not to. I’m sure it was good the others seemed to think so.

We all waited patiently at the table for the last person to arrive, Chip was the last in line which they indicated was unusual. I was pretty hungry at this point so I wanted him to hurry up, but he seemed to take his time. FINALLY he sat down, Judy made a blessing that she was happy to have such a nice group in her home and then we ate. I had seconds and then made me way to the football game in the living room.

After a while, when others were finished eating also, I got up and fixed myself some apple pie with ice cream. Yummy.

I texted friends and family “Happy Thanksgiving” and one of them I texted “Happy Birthday” by mistake, lol. Oh well.

There was a little drama, but nothing to complain about and not one person cried.

We left for home around 5, said our goodbyes and gave hugs. It was a nice holiday.

Later that night we watched the season finale of Andor, which is such a good show. I liked how it played out but I’m sad it had to end… 2024 is when they say the next season will be out and that’s just NOT ok.

I went to bed with a full stomach, or it seemed that way.

November 26, 2022
Bad Diabetic

I’m a bad diabetic. I don’t take care of myself, watch what I eat or care really.

During a hospital stay a few days after the initial diagnosis they asked me ‘Are you planning to do anything about your diabetes?’ The diagnosis was Thursday this was Sunday so I told them that, what could I have done in four days. During the stay they managed my carb intake, gave me insulin shots and kept me at a good blood sugar level.

I did try, initially to eat better and the doc prescribed me Metformin, which I took. I even went so far as to buy strips a meter and needles to test myself… though what the results were to mean I had no idea. I didn’t track my results or know what 125 meant in the morning or 155 meant at night, I was just testing myself at random because they told me to test.

Photo by PhotoMIX Company on Pexels.com

I really love rice, the texture the feeling of it kind of melting in my mouth. I love it, I want it with everything. Not “brown rice” regular old white rice, I can cook it easily takes about 17 minutes. I have it with chili, chicken, beef, whatever… I just love rice. But rice is carbs and carbs are bad for diabetics. So when I make my meals for the week and it includes a good serving of rice, this doesn’t help. At night I usually eat a pizza, yes the whole thing. A stop at an Indian restaurant once a week for Chicken Tikka, but again that means rice.

Soda is also a downfall, what I like to drink is Rockstar Pure Zero Fruit Punch, it has like 20 calories and one carbohydrates, that’s not bad… but if I go out to eat (and I don’t eat out much) I have a regular soda, 240 calories and lots of carbs too. On a normal day I drink between 1 and 2 gallons of water, I’m not kidding. I have a half gallon container that I fill up at work twice, sometimes three times and at home I drink 2 – 3 32 oz containers a night.

I really hate, exercise. Not a fan at all. I did try recently some personal training sessions and didn’t like them at all. I spent about 3 months doing this and at healthier at the same time…. didn’t make my numbers go down much at all. So the doc changed my meds and now I’m taking Janumet XR. Janumet is a huge horse pill and hasn’t made a dent in my numbers either.

I’m currently using a testing system called Dario – it’s a nice little all-in-one system that works with your smart phone. It’s compact, fits in my pocket and is intuitive. Every morning I test before I eat or pee and it’s 135 – 156. I’ve had valleys of 102 or 106 but mostly they stay in the high range. I’ve never had higher than 156. I guess good numbers are below 100, but I don’t test there. Dario is pretty cool though and I like the software which tracks your measurements, gives you advice on health and food.

I don’t have any repercussions. Nothing has gone bad, I still have my teeth, my eyesight is just as bad as it always has been and my feet are fine. Mayo Clinic has a page all about Diabetes from causes to complications and if I look at that there are a lot of dangerous things that could happen to me. I’m apathetic, if it happens it happens.

I see my primary care physician next week and I’ll ask him what the big deal is, maybe he can explain why I’m supposed to care so much. Last time I saw him he advised I lose 10 pounds and I think I’ve put 10 on instead.

There is some consideration in eating better again, but I find it so boring. I drank some Glucerna and while tasty it wasn’t as satifying as a meal can be. I can’t recall if I felt full or not after drinking it, which is also a good feeling that I like. They do have bars also, but I’ve not seen them yet in the store, so maybe I’ll try those out.

All in all, I’m a bad diabetic. I don’t take care of myself or really feel any need to care about this disease and I probably should.

November 14, 2022
Diabetes, Depression and Death

This is likely a whiny post. This was your only warning.

I’ve recently been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Many years ago I used to get tested pretty regularly to see if I had diabetes… see my biological father died from complications with diabetes when he was 48 (I just turned 48). His complications were that he wanted to drink more than he cared about managing his diabetes and ended up in a coma after a stroke…. and then we pulled the plug.

A doctor a few years back, when I asked to be tested, said to me about diabetes “if you don’t want diabetes don’t get fat, it’s that simple”. So am I fat? I’m larger than I have been ever, so I guess that could be a yes, but I didn’t think I was that fat… and I know a lot of people that are fat that don’t have diabetes so the doctor was a tool I’m thinking. But I guess I’m fat… so we have depression, diabetes and diameter issues?

From my handbook given to me by my doctor – “Type 2 Diabetes – This is the most common form of diabetes. In type 2 diabetes, your body makes some insulin, but not enough or the insulin your body makes does not work right. The amount of glucose in your blood goes up. Over time, high blood glucose damages the eyes, kidneys, nerves and heart.” and the “Complications of uncontrolled diabetes include” Blindness, Kidney disease, nerve damage, amputation, cardiovascular disease: Stroke, Heart attack, loss of circulation in arms and legs.

That sounds pretty bad right? I don’t have a lot of fear about this – I’m thinking I’m not a fan of amputation or blindness … but with the depression going on and the goal being an end to everything, well does it really matter that I have another thing.

People with type 2 diabetes may need diabetes pills. Many also need insulin. I take a pill with dinner, that’s it at the moment… there are no injections of insulin – although there were during my recent trip to the hospital, they can’t give the pill in the hospital as it might interfere with things so they give you shots of insulin, wasn’t so bad really.

I frequently already have had hypoglycemia – as a result of this. Although it’s not unique to diabetics, it’s not a lot of fun for me – probably not for you either. But now I have some ideas of what to do about it and how to get relief. Hypoglycemia – think Julia Roberts at the salon in Steel Magnolias when Sally Fields made her drink orange juice… mine doesn’t make me a demon woman like Julia was but I feel really weird.

I do eat a little more than I used to, but my diet is still pretty limited. I love pizza, burgers, steaks and fast food…. but I’ve started to branch out. I recently fell in love with rice… white rice… yes, I’m very vanilla. I love the texture, how it feels when it is cooked just right and you can feel a gentle firmness and just melt it away on your tongue… it’s odd I know. But I’ve also incorporated a lot of chicken into my diet – cheap and it tastes pretty damn good when I dry rub it in curry. I love my chicken so hot that I start to sweat when I eat it… well almost anything that hot is good.

Exercise is not a thing that I like to do. I like to walk and I like to ride my bike, but that’s about it (No, I don’t want to ride my bike or walk with you – not a fan of people you know). Back in school I learned some boxing during a self defense class and I liked that so I’m thinking I could tolerate a boxing class or martial arts class. Going to the gym to exercise and just to exercise seems like a waste of time – there’s no purpose out side of being or getting healthy… well I hear (and don’t believe at all) that there are some people that get an endorphin high from exercising and that’s why they do it… damn junkies… but never happened to me, the high comes when it’s over and you think you’ll never have to do it again.

My depression is currently not in cycle, my doctor and I think it cycles through and at the moment it’s not rearing it’s ugly head too much. When it does there are no solutions to anything and even the most ordinary task can seem overwhelming and pointless. I’m taking two drugs at present to combat this – Abilify and Escitalopram – and it really seems to work, unfortunately on occasion I get giddy… which my doctor says is a good thing and I shouldn’t mind, but I do. Not a fan of giddy.

Even when the depression is off cycle that thoughts of dying are persistent. Those thoughts have more fuel now with the recent diagnosis – don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do… well not eat what I want anymore.

I begin to wonder what’s the point – why be here if you continually can’t do the things you used to enjoy. Many people live for others – they love so deeply for someone that it gives their life meaning or something.

I don’t think I really want that. One of the first thoughts I had after the realization that I was in love with Bill was – damn it, now I have to care about living… for him. Fortunately, love ends, at least mine did so that worry didn’t last.

My friend Suzanne says that I bring joy to others and that’s worth living for. I’m too selfish to believe that and there is evidence to the contrary in famous people – Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain…. they brought joy but I think they understood what I do this feeling of just wanting it to be over. It’s not a crisis it’s just a desire to die.

I talk a lot about death being a human right and I think it is. It should be an individual choice for whomever wants to end it. There are enough people that want to live forever and ever and have those things that they want to “live for”, let them have what they want and let us have what we want… but don’t make it senseless, shameful and messy… use suicide to help others… organ donation, scientific study.

When I’m deep in my depression and thoughts of dying are all encompassing I spend most of my time trying to plan a painless, clean death and I have a few ideas that are pretty good. I’ve had some ideas that were ruined upon further research by percentages or errors and or mistakes by otherwise well meaning suicidal folks.

Imagine, and I do, a world where giving your life for others would be considered a nice thing… like Jesus – I give of myself so others can live. My organs, blood and body used to bring about enlightenment or life for someone who wants it. How many people are on lists to receive organs and will die because they aren’t there.. how many assisted life takings (we have to come up with a different name than suicide it has too many negative connotations and we want this to be a beautiful thing and it should be) could then be used to save the life of children, adults, loved ones that otherwise would die.

I thought about selling my body/organs as a way to commit suicide. There is a black market (if I’m to believe TV Dramas) where organs go for big bucks…. I could sell my whole body for $80,000 – $100,000 and then they could take my life the next year… just give me a year to finish it all up and be done with it. Winner winner chicken dinner right?

Diabetes, Depression, Death, and Diameter… added that last one here after writing thing appeared. Today, which is how AA told me to live, is just fine eating a little less, tasting a lot less and being more aware of what’s going on in my own body.

January 8, 2019
Wounded Me

I haven’t written in a while – that’s the depression I think, why write when nothing matters is a common thought. Why anything when nothing matter? I deleted the bookofjamez site, you can still find those stories here but the site and host name aren’t being paid for anymore.

My friend Deborah, (who makes amazing cookies that I have only had once in my life but I still remember, that’s how good they are folks – they left a lifelong impression on me… lifelong) wanted me to write something especially given recent goings on. She thinks I write well, and I’m never sure if I do or not. Self doubt is common I hear among writers and artists.

Those of you that don’t know me or haven’t known me long, may find insight or be frightened by some of my writings, I’m ok with that. Really having more than one or two friends is hard. Some of it I am really proud of you can read my poem on growing up in a foster home called… foster home (yes, I’m that creative with my titles) or my passion for comics or politics and my disdain for religion. I have some short stories that went places but never finished and some short stories that are stand alone – and always ideas that float in my head space that want to get out – pestering me until they can be free.

I recently opted to take a new job in the same industry I was working – reasons. That job is out in Mesa – about a 20 minute commute during rush hour (going against the rush) and I was thinking of moving closer, but really love where I live so I opted out. Instead I moved into an apartment in the same complex but one with a washer/dryer inside. That’s where our story begins…

I think, though I don’t recall a specific incident, that while moving I was bitten by a non-radioactive (as far as we can tell from the lack of super powers) spider during the move or shortly after I was getting settled in.

Non-Radioactive Spider Bite

Sunday: It started out rather small, like a mosquito bite or something but soon grew to to the image you see there. Hurt like a B and wanted to keep me up at night throbbing (not in the good way) and when I would walk on it or my pants/blanket/hand/air would touch it.

By Wednesday I was in constant pain – I’d take two Advil, two Tylenol and two Aleve at the same time and still would hurt. I wrapped it up after slathering it in Aquaphor and it still hurt and didn’t appear to get better. I had a scheduled appointment with my regular doctor (a great guy I can’t say enough about, if you need a Primary Care Physician let me know) so I didn’t want to go twice – two $25 co-pays bah… I can man up and take it one more day.

See I was to see the doctor because at my annual physical he ran the usual tests and one of them indicated I have diabetes. He had me redo the test and yeah, sure enough diabetes and this Thursday I was going to talk to him about what that meant and of course the painful leg.

Thursday at my follow up I showed him my leg and said “Doc, I’m dying”. He of course said, “Yes, everyone is dying” Funny guy. Then he said “oh, something bit you” after looking at it closer. He prescribed an antibiotic and told me I could keep wrapping it and advised if it got worse – go to the ER. So I said ok. He also told me about a topical over the counter that I could put on the wounds. So I was good there.

Then we talked about diabetes. He gave me a take home booklet on what I needed to know and talked to me about a lot of things I’m not going to be able to articulate here. He did advise an observation that I tend to pick at my skin a lot…. he said that was going to have to stop as a diabetic, wounds are serious business… well it’s one thing to say something and another to put into practice, or stop practicing… I’ve stopped drugs, cigarettes, women… what more do I have to give up? how fair is this?

That evening I picked up my prescriptions from the pharmacy and started my antibiotic and wrapped up my wounds and then lay down on the couch – legs up against the wall high in the air as my leg was all kinds of swollen. Didn’t seem to help it at all and when I’d bring them back down and walk there was all kinds of pain. Not fun, not really WoW playable in that position either. The antibiotic was three times a day for 8 days or something…

Friday – morning I started the day by testing my blood – no food, no coffee just bleed on this stick first. I think I went through 5 needles and 7 sticks before I finally figured out how to make it work and get enough blood on it. I also dressed the wound in a wrapped bandage and went off to work. Little pain but not the end of the world… until I tried to move or something, then ouchie.

Works good though, I like work, they keep me busy and I do my best to be busy, sing and be funny if I can – not everyone gets me though and then I don’t seem funny I guess. The day went pretty quick and before you know it I was on my way home.

I stopped at the grocery store for some diabetic friendly foods – steel cut oats (not a fan), green beans, oranges, apples, carrots, unsweetened apple sauce, couscous (maybe not diabetic friendly but I wanted to try it out), tomatoes and other non fun, flavorless items. See I had done a little reading online about food choices and diabetes – low carbs, low sugar, low salt/sodium… just saying “low taste” and you wouldn’t have to say all that other stuff. But I’m willing to try.

Saturday – Leg in a lot of pain, kept me up half the night off and on and off and on… really getting on my nerves – had it raised up on two pillows but still swollen and painful. Still angry looking too.

I was running errands, walking around – hoping the exercise and use of the leg would help (what do I know? not a thing). I came home with groceries and took a bite out of a whole wheat peanut butter and jelly sandwich and … broke a tooth. Broke a tooth… can you believe that. Like I don’t have enough going on right now we want to break a tooth on a PB&J? I thought my dentist was open on Saturday so headed over there, but no… not open on Saturday and I vowed to call them Monday to get this fixed. Doesn’t hurt, so there is that.

My goal for Saturday, besides errands and WoW, was to watch Shaylee Gonzales play basketball for BYU – She’s an amazing player and you should really check her out. But I was so tired from not sleeping I did get a nap but it was during her time on the court.

Saturday night was spent watching old TV shows I have with my legs in the air (not in that way you pervs) and hoping the swelling would go down and angriness would fade. But alas it didn’t happen.

Sunday – Saturday night sleep was a no go, I was up all night. At 3:30 I gave up and just got up and did some stuff I had wanted to do and played some World of Warcraft. Saturday I had posted a photo of my wound (see above) and a lot of people suggested I go to the ER and call Teladoc so I did that.

Teladoc is a health/telemedicine company that uses video conferencing and telephones to provide on demand services… that might save you a drive/visit to the urgent care or your doctor. The company I work for, LeBaron & Carroll Insurance, provides it free of charge as a benefit to its employees – thanks bosses, it was helpful this time and one other.

I took some photos of the wound and uploaded them prior to scheduling my television so the doctor could see what was going on. The video conferencing is pretty cool and the doctor speaks with you about what’s going on and asks all the right questions… and he said “Jamez, you need to get to the ER, I’m a little worried about how this looks and that the antibiotic doesn’t seem to be working as well as it should.” Ugh…. am I right? I thanked him and then thought about it for a while. The Teledoc vid conferencing was at like 4:55 a.m.

At 6:39 a.m. I texted my spiritual advisor, Flo, and his wife, Kas, and asked to have Flo call me when he was awake – I used speech recognition and the text to Kas said “have flow call me” 😉 . Then I took a shower, stripped my sheets, placed them in he washer and waited… oh, maybe I did the dishes too.

Flo called at 7:10 and I asked him if he would drive me to the ER. See I was a little afraid… ok maybe a lot afraid and wanted someone with me… also, logically I thought they might do something to my leg which would prevent me from driving so I’d need transport. Flo said, without hesitation, “I’m on my way”

Now in my brain I’m thinking that health care with video conferencing and diagnosing can certainly be like Drs. McCoy, Crusher or The Doctor on certain spaceships and just look me over run a tricorder over me and send me on my way… I literally thought this would just be a “give him a shot of penicillin” and he’ll be on his way… kind of situation, I was hoping it was for sure.

The ER Doctor (his name pronounced “R OK” which was ‘ok’ took a specimen, they also did a local x-ray and ultrasound of the affected area and then all of my happy thoughts about the science of healthcare stopped when they said “oh, we’re going to have to admit you”.

They hooked me up with an IV and started filling me with antibodies… We sat in the ER for a while looking across the way at ER Bay 42 which is where I wished I had been.

I think an hour, maybe two, Flo sat with me in the ER before they moved me to a floor and my own room 547… not even a 42 visible to me…. I did ask if I could have that room instead but no.

In my room I waited for a while and Flo sat for a while with me before heading out.

They checked my blood sugar regularly, fed me insulin in shot form and wouldn’t let me eat anything I’d want to eat the whole visit. But it was good – we kept the glucose? low and everyone was happy about that while I was there.

I was assigned a nurse and a nurse’s assistant? and then a doctor, but then a different doctor. Doctor King (not Martin Luther) came in to see me, tall white guy, handsome and all and of course straight came to see me and prodded on my wounds a bit and suggested a wound specialist he had work on his own knee come and see me. I said – I’m here and you’re the experts so he said he’d put in a call.

Then he asked – “are you planning to do anything about your diabetes” and it probably wasn’t but it sounded accusatory… and I was like “I just was diagnosed on Thursday, Thursday.. what was I to have been doing since then?” and then he was all like “oh, I didn’t know” and now I feel like I’m writing like Michael Peña talks in Ant Man, like all over the place with little stories here and there and making lots of sense but taking the long way, you know? My cousin, she met this girl at the hair salon and they were eyeing up this macho brother from the Philippines… and you know

The nurses at Honor Health Scottsdale Osborne were great – they took very good care of me. I did manage to set off my bed alarm three times in the two night period I was there, kept forgetting it was there. When it goes off they all come running and then you, well I, felt really bad about them running to me.

Monday – The wound specialist guy came to see me, he was an older Doctor and he looked at my leg prodded, pushed sliced and squeezed – took some cultures and left…. no pain blockers were given during this procedure he was just “Oh, that’s what I want” and he took it… I felt so violated – ok, not really, it hurt like a son of a though…

Sadly he didn’t get a large enough sample for his own tests so he sent the nurse (the nurse that I liked) back to do it and she had to come back a second time too… which was less painful but she was at least aware I wasn’t just a hunk of meat that is there for your culture taking you big meany!

Dr King came back and said there would be no surgery based on what the mean ass old doctor decided…. so I wondered when I’d get to go home and was told “maybe tomorrow, I’ll come and see you as soon as I can tomorrow to see how things progressed”

Now the mean doctor, who likely isn’t mean and just rubbed me the wrong way did manage to slice into the wounds so they were draining – he said he found at least three abscesses in there but I guess maybe slicing them open is all he needed to do. The leg did start to feel better afterward but never really stopped draining.

Tuesday – They said I could go home around noon and Dr King came back to check on me. I did ask about the possibility of developing Spider-Man like powers, but he said it was highly unlikely. He was a good guy and gave me good directions for taking care of things when I got home as well as a new prescription and ointment for the wounds.

so cute

I received flowers from work, that looked really neat and my friends on Facebook and other places were very supportive and worried about me. Sorry folks, didn’t mean to worry you.

My Ma called me to check on me cause I hadn’t called on day two yet, made my heart grow three sizes.

My friend Flo spent an awful lot of time with me, and I really appreciate him being in my life and there for me when I needed him this weekend. He and I do get to talk about basketball when we hang out and other things so it was nice.

Gerald and Katelyn came to see me during their lunch hour Monday and that was really nice to.

I don’t often think of myself as worthy of this kind of attention and love, but when I get it I do appreciate it and it makes me very uncomfortable to be honest. I’ll see if I can work on it.

That’s all I have in me for this today, I might write about more later and will see about wiring about the three D’s – Diabetes, Depression and Death – sounds ominous doesn’t it? wow

Check out some of my other stories, send me pictures of your husbands shirtless… whatever you need to do.

Jamez

December 19, 2018