Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Tag: Alcoholics Anonymous

  • Dead Pets and Doorknobs

    “We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book. For them, we hope these pages will provide so convincing that no further authentication will be necessary. We think this account of our experiences will help everyone to better understand the alcoholic. Many do not comprehend that the alcoholic is a very sick person. And besides, we are sure that our way of living has its advantages for all.” Alcoholics Anonymous, xiii Forward to the First Edition

    The above paragraph was written in 1939. Since that time over 39 other 12 Step Groups (I recall back in the late 90s seeing somewhere that there are well over 200 different 12 step groups, but I can’t find a source that says something different from Wiki) have been formed based on the principles of the original 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (according to Wiki there are and additional 10 groups that only partially base their programs on the 12 steps). According to A.A. estimates from January 1, 2012 there are approximately 2,133,842 members of Alcoholics Anonymous world-wide and 114,070 Groups – I have no estimates for how many people attend 12 Step groups outside of AA. The last sentence of the quote above indeed came true for all these other people and groups with problems outside of alcohol.

    There is a circuit speaker I’ve heard a few times who says “Got a gambling problem? catch alcoholism. Got a drug problem? catch alcoholism” He’s referring to the great success rate of the program of alcoholics anonymous and how we can change the lives of alcoholics for the better. I’ve actually met people in the rooms of AA that state they don’t have a drinking problem but really got better following the directions of AA from our book and 12 Steps – I don’t have a big problem with that, I do when they want to speak at our meetings because I believe only alcoholics should participate in our meetings.

    I was sent to treatment via the court system, I didn’t know what my problem was I just didn’t want to live anymore. A lot of people come into AA that way, the court sentences them to go to a certain amount of meetings and they show up and put their paper to be signed in the basket and typically don’t stick around – it’s rare I see these people still coming to meetings after they’ve done what was ordered of them (I do know a guy that kept getting his paper signed a year or more after he had met his legal obligation, it was a part of his recovery program; like shaking hands or making coffee). At today’s meeting I saw papers to be signed for Crack Addicts, Cocaine Addicts as well as the drinking problem forms.

    Not just alcoholics come to AA, we also get hard drinkers, heavy drinkers “.. though drinking foolishly and heavily at the present time, are able to stop or moderate, because their brains and bodies have not been damaged as our were.” Alcoholics Anonymous, page 39 come to, and people who might have gotten into a little bit of trouble and looking for a quick way out.

    So these people come to AA meetings and we’ll hear the leader say “the topic is Step 3, but talk about whatever you might need to talk about” and we’ll hear attenders just come “to check in”.

    As a result over the years AA has changed, I think partially due to treatment centers and court systems sending almost everyone to the rooms. This is overall good for the mental health well-being of the nation and or the world – really having group therapy available to anyone in so many parts of the world is amazing.

    This is however, not good for the well-being of A.A. Contrary to popular belief, A.A. is NOT group therapy. It’s not the place you get to come and talk about your dead pets or (as I heard in a meeting today) how your co-worker is not being helpful on a project you share with her.

    At Alcoholics Anonymous we come to talk about our common problem – the spiritual sickness of alcoholism. This is not a drinking problem, it’s a living problem. At A.A. we share a common solution that shows precisely how we have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

    The message of A.A. has been watered down to help everyone that needs help getting over every problem from people who just need somewhere to go talk about their problems, gay people struggling to come to terms with being gay*, people with drug addictions claiming that it’s just dry booze. A few weeks ago at a group conscience that was called to address the lack of focus on recovery at a particular meeting it was argued that the idea of having to work the program was contrary to what AA is all about and they just like to come and talk about how their life is going – that argument got lots of nods and acceptance and I think swayed the vote.

    Alcoholics Anonymous is only 78 years old and the longer we go on the farther and farther from our common solution it seems we go. Bill W. wrote the traditions to … well here’s what our book says on page 561 of the 4th edition:

    “The “12 Traditions” of Alcoholics Anonymous are, we A.A.’s believe, the best answer that our experience has yet given to those ever-urgent questions, “How can A.A. best function?” and, “How can A.A. best stay whole and so survive?”

    And everywhere was have a lack of traditions we have weak, watered-down, just come and talk about whatever you need to talk about – group therapy. I say again, A.A. is not group therapy or bad day meetings or any other kind of meeting – it’s a life solution for people who really need it and I fear the message will not be heard by those who need to hear it most.

    *I call Gay AA Meetings Gay A, they come to talk about how hard their life has been being gay and that the reason they drank they way they did was because they are gay – I drank the way I did because I’m an alcoholic and I drink alcoholicly. (I’ve written about this before here) It should be noted there is a group that semi-basis its program on the 12 steps called Homosexuals Anonymous, who knew.

    **The Title of this blog piece was chosen by Cynthia P, Laura W and Jason S – the story was in my head already, I hope they like what I’ve done here.

  • Tuesday Night Big Book Study 7:15 DCC

    Just an upfront disclaimer: this is how I perceive things. You may not perceive things the way that I do. You might be offended or butt hurt at what I’ve had to say, if that’s the case you really shouldn’t be reading my blog…

    When I sobered up I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by Big Book Thumping, Tradition Practicing, Service oriented old-timers. I was told on a few occasions to take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth until I knew what I was talking about – that was usually during a step meeting where they were discussing a step I hadn’t done yet… you know, any of them. From that group, I think it was called the Sunday Serenity Group, I not only got to hear about the Steps and Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous I got to see people actually putting those principles in action in their daily lives. This was my first “Home Group” and I made it there every Sunday night for a year, just like I was told to do. That meeting wasn’t a Big Book Study Group, it was a Step meeting with the last meeting of the month the Tradition of the month. What I did get at that meeting was a sponsor who had been taken through the Steps as laid out in the first 164 pages of our text-book, Alcoholics Anonymous – and he was willing to take me through that same process which gave me the tools I needed to not only find a power greater than myself that would relieve me of my alcoholism, but also provide the tools to be a productive member of society.

    One of my other regular meetings was the 5:30 Monday Night Big Book group, there we went through the book; every week reading a couple of pages out of the Book and then folks could share their experience with what was read – if they had any. This group would get to the end of the 164 and turn around and read it again. The Book, the Steps, the Traditions – were everywhere that I went to meetings. I couldn’t have escaped if I had wanted to.

    I was also a member of the Eau Claire Pacific Group that meets every Thursday night. An open speaker meeting with thirty minutes of call-up before the speaker. Great enthusiasm, lots of service work, experience strength and hope each week from the podium. It’s where I learned to feel comfortable introducing myself to strangers, where I learned to shake new people’s hands and where I learned the importance of suiting up and showing up.

    When I moved to the DC area I tried to find meetings that were similar to what I had gotten sober with. I looked for a good Step Meeting that met regularly, I sought out a Big Book Study and I also hoped to find a regular speaker meeting. I didn’t find things that were like home. This is typical, and something I should have anticipated but did not. In hindsight upon traveling all over the country in the last ten years – every region has its little traditions that are specific to the region and as you may know each group is autonomous except in matter affecting other groups or AA as a whole.

    Every Big Book meeting I encountered was focused more on reading the stories in the back of the book (after Page 164) then they were the meat of the deal.  The directions, the prayers, the actions in the front of the book weren’t read at all – unless it was to read the Promises, How it Works or the end of A Vision for You. Every step meeting I encountered focused more on the steps as laid out in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (the argument here by those with more time than I have is that when Bill wrote the 12×12 he had more experience and knew better what to say for how to stay sober – but I’ve not found in that book anything like the specific direction and suggestions that I find in the Big Book so I nod and smile at them).

    A few months before 9/11 I started a Big Book Meeting using the format I grew up with in WI, but between 9/11 and the honest belief by attendees that AA is about coming to complain about your day – it didn’t last. So I officially gave up trying to find or create meetings that were similar what I had been brought up with. I still went to meetings just to occupy the chair, not much more. If I shared, which was rare, it was because of something I had heard that was just that outrageous that I couldn’t contain my anger or disappointment. That’s not really a good way to share the message – brow beating people who have managed to NOT pick up a drink today or for the last 10 – 20 years is no way to win friends either. So I settled on continuing to read my book, listening to speakers via Round-Ups and Conferences, Podcast or CD of the month clubs – while still attending meetings regularly.

    First Edition Big Book

    Then I met my tattoo artist, who’s been in DC a few years now from Houston, TX (there is a Houston WI or MN just a FYI) who talked to me over long tattoo sessions about his sobriety, the book and the difference in meetings here in DC vs meetings in other parts of the country. He invited me to come to a Saturday meeting he attends where he said was attracting people interested in the book. I honestly just didn’t give it any real consideration – I had given up on meetings here after all. Then a person heard me share at a meeting I regularly attend and he thanked me for sharing and ALSO invited me to that group, so I figured maybe there was something to it – never saw that person again btw.

    That first Saturday Noon meeting I met two or three more people, relatively new to the area who also were brought up on the Big Book and were desperately seeking a solution based meeting. The next week, I met another two people and before you knew it there were six of us that really wanted to start a new meeting that would “study” the book. We started mass texts, long chains of emails, discussed formats, laughed at one another, ate lots of food and became a group – sooner than we’ve become a meeting.

    Our book, our text-book, says in There is a Solution page 29 “Further on , clear-cut directions are given showing how we recovered.” It’s my belief, and the belief of this new group, that people need to be shown these directions. It’s my belief that if they follow the suggestions as written in this book they will be “rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed”

    So on Tuesday nights at 7:15, starting on July 31, 2012 at the Dupont Circle Club we’re going to start reading the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The format of the meeting is reading a small section of the book, then allowing all those who want to participate a chance to share – lather, rinse, repeat. Once we get to page 164 we’ll start all over again. If you want to discover a design for living that really works, a way of life that is immensely greater than you ever imagined… come join us.

    This time I’m not creating a meeting alone with no one else knowing what I’m talking about, this time I had to compromise on several things that I wanted, this time … well, this time it might really work. I’d love that.

    If you’re looking for a meeting to talk about your bad day or complain about your spouse… this is probably not the meeting for you, fortunately for you there are plenty of those type of meetings and we can probably direct you to one within walking distance. 

    Thump, Thump, Thump

  • Silence Your Noise Makers

    At today’s meeting, like at most meetings, the secretary/chairperson/whomever made the announcement for everyone to please silence their cell phones, she did so to her own phone as she was asking all of us to. This has become common place in meetings that I’ve been attending for quite a while now, however when I first came to meetings cell phones weren’t generally found outside of your car, where they were attached by a cord. (Yes, this means I am quite old.) It doesn’t really matter if the phone is silenced, I and others can still hear it when you have it on vibrate and then all the noise you make while you rummage through your purse or back pack trying to see who it is that contacted you. But, don’t worry, I’m sure the person talking wasn’t saying anything important enough for us to be able to hear them.

    Old Princess Phones

    This morning someone’s phone rang during the meeting, it was an actual phone ring tone like the old princess phones used to make before technology came and made those outdated. The woman rummaged through her purse for several minutes, giving us that delightful tone repeatedly 5 times before she got to it – unfortunately she didn’t silence it then and we were subjected to the voicemail notification sound, which was a high-pitched chirp. Experience, strength and hope? nah, thanks, I’m trying to answer the phone. It’s bound to happen, I myself have forgotten to turn off my phone on a few occasions and now double-check more frequently than I used to.

    It’s usually not too bad when this happens, at the same time that this woman’s phone was going off music started to play outside the room, we could feel the deep bass reverberations and it grew increasingly louder – several people went out to see what was going on and the music stopped – for a while – it made an appearance again later.

    What really gets my goat is the folks that are using their phones and gadgets in the room during the meeting. One guy in particular gets several messages on his cell phone during meetings and he just answers them and puts his phone back in its holster, did I mention it makes  a “beep” each time he gets a message, he has it turned down low, but all of us can still hear it. Thank you sir, but perhaps you should talk to your sponsor about the definition of sharing, this isn’t it.

    messaging away

    Two people at today’s meeting were busy reading emails and typing away on their iPhone, one of them had the “click” activated for each letter and we were able to hear that she can type quite fast when she’s using it, I’m sure her boss is happy about that. Thanks for sharing.

    Is it really so much to ask that you pay attention during the meeting instead of using your phone? I called someone out of this a year or so ago, a chronic relapser that was busy typing away into his iPhone right next to me when I was trying to listen to the meeting. I told him after the meeting that he might have more success at staying sober if he put his phone down and listened to the message. He didn’t take it well and a few months later he went out to do some more experimentation.

    Recently a conversation about younger people and their attachment to technology was had by Suzanne and myself, she’s a supervisor and during a recent training session mentioned that young people have a different work ethic than what was instilled in people my age or older. It’s not that they don’t work and get their job done, but they tend to do two things at once that us (and I’m not trying to group us all up into one category) older folks can’t really do as well. This is not an excuse for the sales clerk in Macy’s to be on their cell phone when I’m checking out or for the Burger King worker to be texting instead of helping the customers, but it should help me to come to terms with the changing face of how things work, sometimes even in AA meeting.

    "Big Book" on my iPad

    At a Big Book meeting in San Antonio last year I was getting annoyed at a man who was on his iPad during the meeting, it really started to get to me. Then when he shared his experience he started reading from it and I realized that he had the text on his iPad, I suppose this should have made me less annoyed but it didn’t, I had to come to appreciate it, it doesn’t help that technically speaking what’s on his iPad is not General Service Conference-Approved material. I have it on my iPad also, sometimes it’s nice to be able to look at the Book on the technology that’s available and I hope AA catches up soon.

    Speaking of AA and technology, this afternoon I was able to make my AA birthday contribution via credit card on the web, I LOVE that. If it’s your AA birthday you should check it out at www.aa.org .

  • Getting Away

    It was nice to get away for the weekend, even if only to Virginia Beach. I flew down to spend time with Suzanne and celebrate my 17th AA birthday – even though that was on the last day of the trip. Thursday night we hit a Big Book meeting and some fellowship before at Ruby Tuesday, we had tried to go to a Mexican restaurant but as it was Cinco De Mayo it was impossible. All the Mexican restaurants get busy with white people on that day and we were the unfortunate whiteys. Ruby Tuesday’s while good food, was just one of the oddest restaurant experiences I’ve had. The wait staff thought one of our party ordered a side dish as a main meal, a glass came apart at the table a flooded us with soda, asking for napkins to help clean up the soda was confusing to them… and to top it off they didn’t even give any discounts for the soda/glass disaster.

    At the Thursday night meeting there was fun too – one of the guys present was on fire with AA and the book, he brought some life into the meeting – just a little over five years sober and he was alive with the spirit, great to see. We also had the other spectrum, the new girls who kept chatting during the meeting about this and that and we kept hearing “Cinco De Mayo” they were asked to be quiet and when that happened were insulted – one of them left. Alas, we alcoholics are sensitive creatures and it takes some of us a long time to outgrow that handicap.

    Friday I just sat around and watched cartoons on my iPad and that evening we went to see the movie Thor – which we all liked.

    Saturday I walked around the mall while Suzanne took a final and then taught a fitness class, it was alright. Then she and I went out to eat before hitting another meeting, this one started with a read from the Daily Reflections and was going pretty well when “Part-Time Alcoholic” started to share about why he was different and special and didn’t really belong – several people interrupted him with “Keep Coming Back” (including me) until the lead asked him to stop advising him to find a sponsor who could help him sort out if he belonged there. He left, and then the meeting changed to folks talking about that as other people thought the meeting chased him off – and a few people who are forced to go to the meeting were offended and left… someone chased after them. I was actually alright with it, the “Part Time Alcoholic” is still suffering from his terminal uniqueness and if he’s going to start to learn it should be now.

    Sunday, the morning of my anniversary, Suzanne and I met her husband Paul at the gym for Body Step – at least it’s not too boring. Then Paul and I went to iHop where we had a self-proclaimed “OCD server” who asked us if we were right or left-handed (so he knew which way to turn the cup handles) and if we could place all our trash in a pile at the end of the table so he could collect it…. it was odd, but the food was good. Then we moved a couch from their garage to their living room, one of those sofa sleepers that are stupidly heavy.

    All in all, it was a nice weekend. Suzanne kept asking me what I wanted to do and there really wasn’t anything that I wanted. Which I think she found very frustrating – not much I can do about it. It was nice to be away. Oh… did I mention I got to spend time with Farley, her dog? I’m his favorite uncle. 

  • Thanks

    I couldn’t have said at the beginning of this year that I would have anything to be thankful for outside of what I have every other year, but I hadn’t anticipated meeting Bill this year either.

    So below, in no particular order, are the things that I’m especially thankful for this year:

    • Bill (my special guy that I’d given up finding at all)
    • Suzanne and Pat (a guy couldn’t ask for better best friends)
    • Gary my roommate for the last 12 or so years
    • Jim, Ana and the DiLuigi clan – not just for my job but for all the wonderful things that they bring to the world each day.
    • Mouse my cat (she actually loves Bill too, she’s so smart)
    • Alcoholics Anonymous – really not one thing on this list would be possible without AA.
    • World of Warcraft ($15 a month for hours and hours of entertainment and virtual friends)
    • Annie’s Grilled Chicken Salad – love that
    • Family – both real and adopted
    • Comic Books
    • iPad
    • Kindle
    • Music
    • and TiVo

    Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I hope you have as many if not more things to be thankful for this year. Thanks for being a part of my everyday and showing me the better side of humans.

  • What does untreated alcoholism look like?

    What does untreated alcoholism look like?

    Maybe it’s not what you think it is. It’s not just the bum lying on the sidewalk with a brown paper bag reeking of alcohol, nor the guy or gal that comes to the bar every night and passes out or gets in trouble.

    My mothers stepfather was an alcoholic (not supposed to diagnose others as alcoholics – but if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…). At 60 some years of age a doctor told him that he had to quit drinking or he would die. So he did – all by his lonesome. Grandpa was one of the orneriest people I’d ever met when I was a kid and we had a code word for when he was in a particularly dangerous drunk and it was time to high tail it out of there. When he was not drinking his disposition didn’t change much, if anything he got angrier and angrier. Until eventually one day my sister found him in his apartment where he had shot himself in the head. Untreated alcoholism.

    We can see it in A.A. meetings to. The drunk that keeps going back out to experiment – doing more research. They keep coming back and we keep hoping this time they will get it, this time they will start to change. Sometimes they “get it” after the first relapse, sometimes after the 50th and sadly sometimes never at all. But other people who help those folks try, they stay sober and the act of them helping the person who is struggling shores up their own sobriety ten fold. Our book says:

    “Of alcoholics who came to A.A. and really tried, 50% got sober at once and remained that way; 25% sobered up after some relapses, and among the remainder, those who stayed on with A.A. showed improvement. Other thousands came to a few A.A. meetings and at first decided they didn’t want the program. But great numbers of these—about two out of three—began to return as time passed.” Alcoholics Anonymous, page xx

    Those are some encouraging numbers and keep up my hopes.

    We see a different kind of untreated alcoholism in A.A. in addition to the chronic relapser. That’s the alcoholic who’s been coming to meetings for 19 odd years but not growing spiritually. They may be angry, indignant, self-pitying most of the time and sometimes they catch a sliver of serenity that brings a brief respite to the turmoil of their mind. But more often than not its only lip service. Their hoping to stay sober by osmosis, leeching off the wellness of others incognito.

    Sadly, they’ve only put the plug in the jug and not taken the action steps to recover. There’s an old saying in A.A. “What do you get if you sober up a horse thief? A sober horse thief.” Our liquor was but a symptom, and working the steps we get down to causes and conditions which lead to finding a power greater than ourselves to recover. It’s not easy, but usually it’s less painful than a dry drunk.

    I believe there is a solution to alcoholism in the 12 steps. I believe, based on my own experience, that it is a limitless load of serenity and happiness – if I work for it.