Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Random Rantings

  • Well Sh*t

    Is a strategically placed asterisk all we need to mask a curse word anymore? Just throw a star into the middle of a word, usually replacing the vowel and then no one, except the really clever, will know what word it is that your using.

    Seriously? Like “sh*t” and “f*ck* aren’t really obvious to anyone what they say and mean, do we really have do this? I’m not trying to be a c*nt about it, I just think this is ridiculous.

    Can’t we all grow up and quit getting b*tt hurt whenever something is out there that might offend us?

    “There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.” – George Carlin more than a while ago, some of these words I think we can say on TV now.

    Are we really so hung up on some words that we ban then from regular use? Yep. When that happens I think they get even more powerful, more desirable and all the cool kids want them even more – like marijuana or maybe m*r*j**n* is better.

    I just think we need to get over our m*th*r f*ck*ng selves before we’re all labeled a bunch of dumb d*mn c*nts that can’t keep our heads out of our own *ss.

  • Career and Locale Change #changes

    For the last few months I’ve been taking classes at night a couple times a week (Tuesday and Thursdays) to learn to be a phlebotomist and yesterday afternoon I took the final exam and am now certified and set to begin my new journey. My instructors at Because We Care here in DC were just so amazing and helpful and made the whole thing seem so easy – I know it’s because they were so good at training us. 

    A phlebotomist, in case you didn’t know is a technician that collects blood for testing and for transfusions, labeling the different samples, and keeping on top of all documentation. You’ve probably had a phlebotomist take your blood during your last doctor visit and didn’t even know they were anything besides a nurse. It’s very technical and specialized, I had to work for long hours figuring out the best ways to slip the syringe-needle with minimal discomfort on the patient. I’m actually getting a little turned on by wearing the rubber gloves so sometimes I might spend a little extra time just making sure they are “just right” before I begin.

    I had quite a few slips ups during my training and knew when the patient had gone that it would either bruise or at minimum sting for a little bit. But now I’m much more confident and have learned to distract the patient a little bit before I slip it in – mostly I just strike them up in casual conversation; ask them about their families or where they’ve vacationed lately. In my cubicle at the school lab I placed two posters for them to look at to help, one of the posters is a beautiful mountaintop covered in snow with a a couple of skiers on what looks like a milk run – boy does that scene make me wish I was out there this moment enjoying the powder. The other poster is just a couple of kittens, some people are into that I guess. I’ve learned that sometimes you have to go out of your way to please other people – especially if it helps them to relax, I’m all about small talk, but sometimes other distractions work.

    In anticipation of this certification I have been putting out feelers discretely for work in places that I’d like to live, you all know the list as I’ve talked about it so many times before but I think I’ve finally settled on Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. I’ve sent my resume into St. Boniface hospital there and have already been asked to come in for an interview. My friend Nathan has assured me that I can crash at his house for the interview and if I get the job then I could even crash there until I get on my feet. Wow, I’m finally going to have free health care and I will only have to move out of the “land of the free” to get it. Crazy right? These Canadians not only have free health care, they are getting rid of their penny and have a porn channel… a porn channel! can you imagine? And the winters there I hear are comparable to what we have in the DC area so I’ll be fine.

    I’m flying out Monday for the interview and hope to have a job offer this week and if so I’ll be giving notice at my job then packing up and heading for Winnipeg! During my visit in September of last year I just fell in love with the place, the people, the poutine it’s everything I ever wanted and more. They’ve have good quality AA, beefy men and the Blue Bombers – Canada’s best football team and you know I’m a big football fan so I belong in this city. Once I’m settled in I hope a lot of you have the opportunity to visit – especially in January you really want to experience the snow and ice blanketing the city – it’s stunning.

    The thought of working in a hospital environment collecting bodily fluids for testing and labeling is just very fulfilling. I look forward to sucking… er drawing the blood out of Canadians for many years to come. I hope that you will all also have the opportunity to feel this fulfilled about a career change as I do.

    Becoming a certified phlebotomist is a life long dream I’ve had for a couple of months now and it’s finally becoming a reality.

    If you’re late to the party, this was my April Fools Day Post – I pass out around needles and blood, detest snow and cold weather and don’t do “small talk”.

  • Tonight It's High Holy Day for the Gays

    Tonight it’s high holy day for the Gays – The Oscars! or maybe that’s the Tonys… Well “the gays” get excited about both probably. All the glitz and glamour and snobbery – sounds gay, looks gay, probably all gay. Last year I feigned interest in the Oscars for the fiance – glad that never has to happen again. I have watched other times when nothing exciting has been on TV, I watched the year that the Return of the King won and was happy about that.

    As a disclaimer, I guess I’m gay. Not in the “can’t wait to see how Betty Sue looks on the red carpet tonight” or “oooh, she’s such a queen” or “she’s had work done, horrible work” kind of gay, nope, not those kind. I just happen to like kissing a handsome hairy guy or sucking on a cock now and again among some other nasty exciting things when i get the chance.

    Most of the gay people I know are excited about the show tonight, at breakfast I heard and over heard several conversations about tonight and how much fun it’ll be to watch – I even, believe it or not, heard some people who were excited to know Billy Crystal would be the host. I just don’t find it that interesting myself, hours of pre-show with outfits and sound bytes from folks we pay millions of dollars to each year for a relatively small number of worthy movies.

    Me, I’ll probably play World of Warcraft or watch Boardwalk Empire instead. Either sound more exciting to me.

  • Cold – The Ultimate Demotivator

    It’s 25 degrees outside. That’s cold. Hell I think 35 is cold and on a bad day 40 is cold. Have I ever mentioned to you how much I hate winter?

    The goal last night was for me to wake up early and head to the gym for spinning class at 6:30. I even went to bed early to try to accomplish this, but this morning as I lay in bed stroking the pussy I really didn’t want to get up. But get up I did, turning on the computer, straightening up the bed and a quick tinkle in the bathroom… then I noticed the outside temperature and made a decision. I am NOT going out in that for the gym… this is also why bootcamp wouldn’t work for me.

    Not only would I have to go out on the way to the gym, you know I’d have to come back right… and it’s just too cold.

    I’ve always hated the cold and this season, never even enjoyed it when I was a kid. Sledding? REALLY WTH for, freeze going down a hill so you can climb back up it, insanity I say. Ice skating? WTH sharp blades on frozen water – yeah, that sounds appealing. Skiing? you people are crazy.

    Saturday night it was pretty cold out, I really didn’t want to go out but had told a few folks I’d meet them at a dance so I felt obligated. Now if it had been snowing when I was set to leave I would have forgotten about meeting anyone out there. Snow is an automatic cancellation. We have a date and flakes start to drift down – I’ll be canceling.

    I really want to live somewhere that it doesn’t snow and you don’t need a jacket more than a couple months out of the year. Is that so much to ask really? “You’ll miss the seasons!” they say. “They” are stupid. I’m going to miss the different allergens that come and go depending on the weather? I’m going to miss leaves changing from green to gold – that’s why I have the internet, I can see pictures (ok, the real reason I have the internet is for porn, like the rest of the male population).

    yes, yes, I’m whining today…. Is it spring yet?

     

  • Share in a General Way

    I’m a fan of round-ups, it’s a good place to hear experience, strength and hope from all over the world – usually.

    About 15 years ago I went up to the Upper Peninsula (the UP) of Michigan for a round-up with a bunch of folks from my Eau Claire AA meetings. I was looking forward to it, I think a few people that I’d heard before were to be speaking. The first night an American Indian woman was the speaker, I’d never heard her story before. Around the 40 minute mark of her talk I’d heard all about the oppression of the American Indian and how that affected her growing up into adulthood – but I don’t think she’d even taken a drink at that point. I walked out – I was followed by several other people who were as frustrated as I was.

    I’m sorry but I came to hear experience, strength and hope about alcoholism and how to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. That’s why I’m here. Did I come to the wrong meeting?

    A few years back I went to a “gay” round-up in Miami, I had scoffed at it for years without ever going until I thought hard about “contempt prior to investigation” so that year I went. The majority of the speakers at the round-up, and especially the Saturday night speaker, talked about being gay, coming out and their relationships more by far than they talked about alcoholism, recovery from alcoholism or struggling to stay sober. Except when the Saturday night speaker mentioned her sobriety date I don’t think she talked about the program at all. I remained hopeful and tried to be respectful to this woman with over 40 years in the program, but I left that night convinced I was right about “gay round-ups” all along. Perhaps the organizers tell the speakers of this round-up to really stress life as a gay.

    I’m not here to recover from being gay, I’m not here to talk about that or learn how difficult it was for you to come out of the closet to your parents, your friends, your co-workers. I’m here because I have a desire to stop drinking and live life being of maximum service to God (or what have you) and my fellows.

    I was asked to share my experience strength and hope at the end of 2011 in Minneapolis. I never practice sharing my experience or know what’s going to come out of my mouth when I do share, I just open my mouth and try to keep it honest (I remember once at the Eau Claire Pacific Group at the podium where I lied and immediately stopped myself and called myself out on it, I was pretty new). During my talk I mentioned that when one of my best friends moved out to the East Coast she said “You have to come with, Eau Claire is no place for a gay boy to be” and later on I talked briefly about getting engaged and dumped in the last year and wanting to drink over that. I didn’t dwell on being gay, I didn’t focus my talk on coming out of the closet or about how wonderful it is having gay sex.

    I shared in a general way, what it was like, what happened and what it’s like now as it relates to alcoholism, recovery from alcoholism and the joys and tribulations that I’ve experienced in sobriety. I think that’s what we’re supposed to talk about.

    When I met with my sponsor last week I told him that one of the members, a friend, of the group I spoke at expressed gratitude that I spoke in a general way about being gay. She said that typically when gay people come to speak they spend most of there time talking about the coming out process and how difficult it is being gay. She appreciated that someone could come and mention it without making it the focus of their talk. I thought that was interesting. My sponsor said that he thinks as society comes to accept the gay lifestyle more and more the coming out process will be less of traumatic experience to our young people and he thinks its already started to change to reflect that in meetings. I hope so.

  • Trip at the Dentist

    So yesterday I broke a tooth while munching on hard sourdough pretzels at home. I wasn’t in any pain, but I knew I would have to call the dentist and see him. So I called late in the afternoon and sure enough they scheduled me for 7:30 this morning. Joy. So this morning I woke at the usual time and left early for the long walk to the dentist.

    Deep breaths, deep breaths, prayer mantras, deep breaths… slow and steady, imagine your somewhere else.

    Once I was seated in the chair and they took a look at what they had to work with the dentist – a new guy I’d never had before which just adds to my anxiety – starts to explain the procedure to me and show me a short video of the deal. I ask him to stop and explain that all of that just adds to my anxiety. Yes, yes, anything at the dentist can add to my anxiety apparently. They give me a local and then a shot of Novocaine and do an x-ray to check out the whole area and then bring me back to my seat and ask if I’m numb… but I’m not. I wonder if being a drug addict/alcoholic has raised made me less susceptible to Novocaine as I almost always need two shots. Then they start the nitrous oxide, which I get to try to calm me down more, they leave me to let all the drugs take effect… Then the unexpected happens, unexpected for me but one of the dental hygienists says its common.

    I start to trip out. I mean full blown hallucination trip to never never land. The world started spinning away. Words, music and sounds started to skip and warp into unrecognizable noises. Though still in the dentist chair I feel like I’m speeding forward and a thousand miles an hour and can feel the wind blowing through my hair – when did I get hair? Then I was walking on a beach wondering how I got there and a very small part of me remembered where I was and struggled to grasp on to something real. I panic when nothing I grasp for is solid.  Damn this feels great, I’m not supposed to feel this way, I’m not supposed to do these things anymore. Then a small panic sets in an I wonder if I’ve relapsed and created an elaborate story where I’ve broken a tooth just so I could trip and get away with it. (I have drinking dreams like that sometimes, and I spend most of the dream wondering which reality is reality and which is dream)

    Fortunately the dentist and his assistant come in then and while they’re working on me all the hallucinations stop, I’m stationary, I’m calm, I feel no pain – just the occasional feeling that I’m drowning when there is too much water in my mouth and before I know it they’ve stopped again and leave me for a short while – and zoom I’m off to the races again. The world warps away and is replaced by something else entirely that I know isn’t real and is just an effect of the gas – at this point I’m so freaked out about the experience I yank the gas off my face and breathe through my mouth for a good long while. When the dental hygienist comes in he asks what’s wrong…

    I point to the gas and say “Nothing, everything, that was good and bad… I can’t have that anymore. I started hallucinating”

    “Yeah, that happens a lot” he says

    Never to me before, really shook me up today. Maybe they could just knock me out when I go to the dentist and wake me when it’s all over?

  • AA Traditions

    On a recent trip to Winnipeg I stopped at a noon AA meeting at their central office. It was a textbook AA meeting, most of the chairs were filled with people of every description and ethnicity and the coffee was nasty. 🙂 I was recognized as someone who hadn’t been there before almost immediately, which leads me to believe they have a great number of regulars and that’s a good sign at a meeting. Before the meeting began discussions started about where I lived and went to meetings and I heard where others were originally from or where they got sober and such.

    One gentleman with a thick Irish accent asked me what prayer we use to start the meetings in Washington (this Winnipeg group started with the Serenity Prayer). I told him my regular meetings start with the AA Preamble and close with both the Lord’s Prayer and the Serenity Prayer.  That seemed to get everyone’s attention in the room as they found that odd. I think it’s easy to forget that each group is autonomous when we don’t get outside our regular groups and see that meetings are run differently pretty much everywhere – or places where they don’t study or read the traditions, but enough about Washington DC.

    Tradition Four “Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or A.A. as a whole.”

    You never know what kind of traditions a meeting will have when you go to it the first time. I’ve been to meetings where people count out loud when “How It Works” is read, the first time that happened I burst out laughing it was so foreign to me. Other meetings where every person in the room introduces themselves by first name and sobriety date, others that read the Twelve Steps and Traditions, some that read the Responsibility Statement, some that read the beginnings of one of the Chapters in the Big Book followed by the 12 Steps (My old home group the Northside Group in Eau Claire WI does that, freaked me out the first few times, but I was new so everything pretty much freaked me out the first few times.).

    The first time I attended the Eau Claire Pacific Group and heard all the “ooohing,” “aaahhing” and clapping I knew they were doing it wrong. AA is supposed to be a bunch of old boring sticks in the mud, these people are doing it wrong. But what happened in that group to me, and to others, was we were shown the enthusiasm and joy that can be a part of recovery and it made the difference for a lot of us. At almost any meeting I attend I always expect the opening statement from this meeting to be read… I don’t have a copy and couldn’t quote it here but it was a regular part of my life every Thursday for about four years and it gets stuck in your head you know.

    The Northside Group and some other meetings in Eau Claire always read the Twelve Traditions (something I almost never here on the East Coast) and “The A.A. Tradition” found at the beginning of Appendix I in the back of the book (Page 563 in the Second Edition) and when I’m out traveling and hear that at a meeting it’s almost like I’ve come home.

    A few years ago I was fortunate enough to go to a meeting in Nashville, TN the “Back Room Group”, a 12×12 meeting. As I walked in I saw that most people had brought their own 12x12s, pencils/pens and highlighters. I knew immediately it was going to be a good meeting and it really really was, those folks knew AA. When I’ve brought along my own literature to meetings on some occasions folks have gotten upset during the meeting that I’m highlighting or writing down – they think it’s the clubs book.

    Each group can do it’s own thing and I’ve seen lots of different things out there, but in the heart of the meeting as long as we’re there to help other alcoholics and how we spread the message doesn’t affect other groups or AA as a whole – then it’s all good. But I’ll always be partial to the meetings I went to in the beginning that spread the foundation of my recovery and I’ll always do my best to help others build theirs.

  • Finding a Safe Harbor for Children

    Last night on Twitter I saw more than a few tweets asking “is no place  safe to leave children with adults alone”. These questions came out in response to the Penn State Scandal where a respected coach was preying on young boys and the firings as a result.

    The answer to the question of “is no place safe to leave children with adults alone” is probably no. Not as we currently function as a society anyway. There are monsters and predators in all walks of life that have every job imaginable, we can focus on the ones in the churches and the schools but children are taken advantage of every day by people in all different fields of work.

    As a victim – I hate that word so lets start over.

    As someone who was sexually molested when I was younger I was thinking last night what could have prevented it from happening? Was there something my parents could have said or done to keep me safe? Would it have been better if I’d been secluded from others for all of my growing years so I couldn’t get hurt? Was there a magic word that wasn’t uttered? a prayer? None of those things would have mattered. Some parents are child predators, some relatives, and keeping me locked away from the rest of the world would only serve to make me that more vulnerable when I was released.

    What might have helped, and I’m just speculating on hindsight here, is a better understanding of sex. That sounds a bit out there I know, but when I was molested I hadn’t even had “health education” class yet and the only things I knew about sex were from the photos I saw in some dirty magazines one of my Mom’s friends or an uncle had in the basement (none of which were male on male sex). I was completely ignorant about all of it so when it was happening at the beginning I was mostly just confused. Pedophiles are very good at convincing the child of a few things, some work by coercion some by seduction, but they all get what they want out of it – the innocence of the child.

    For me, I was conned into thinking he actually loved me and that’s why he wanted to do those things to me. It never occurred to me that if he loved only me why was he doing it to the other 15 boys in town. He was smart, after the first night he fondled me, before working up to more sexual things he had a cover story that he fed my Mom that she bought – in her defense it was a pretty good story – and I was there when he told her and had learned early on that I wasn’t to contradict adults.

    I’ve digressed here a bit I think. I’m not a parent, but things that might have helped me I’ll list below.

    I think if we want to have our children be safer out there in a world with monsters we need to talk to them more about sex earlier – let them know we’re open to talk with them about anything weird that’s going on. Let them know that any naked secrets are bad secrets and any time they feel uncomfortable they should feel free to talk to us. We need to communicate with them and understand what’s going on in their world regularly. I don’t think kids should be left alone with an adult for a long period of time or at several different times over a long period. Children shouldn’t spend the majority of their free time with someone older than them.

    We also need adults that don’t turn a blind eye when a question is raised. Just because that person is from the military, church, school, or hospital doesn’t make them incapable of doing horrible things. If your kids pull away, start acting differently, bring up reasons to not hang out with someone – there might be something deeper there.

    What happened to me and has happened to millions of other kids in the world doesn’t have to happen. But if it does happen, those kids need real heroes to be there and stop the monsters. Be a real hero.

    Resources:

    Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline  1-800-4-A-CHILD

    Child Abuse Prevention Association: http://www.childabuseprevention.org/

    National Child Abuse Hotlines: http://reportchildabusenow.com/

    Adult Survivors of Child Abuse: http://www.ascasupport.org/

  • Dream Date

    Last night I slept the entire night right up to the point where the alarm clock started it’s insistent beeping at me. The cat was even kind enough to let me sleep, it was a miracle… someone call the Vatican. I also remembered my dreams, at least one of them – which is not always the case.

    I had a boyfriend (yes, this is how we can tell it’s a dream). A nice boyfriend (this is how we know I was still feverish from the flu). Mystery boyfriend, who unfortunately kept his clothes on during the dream, didn’t appear to be my type at all. Not just because he was nice, though that’s a big indicator, but because his physical characteristics (skinny, clean shaven, smiling) weren’t what I normally look for in a guy.

    In the dream we interacted with my family, read comics books and took a long walk before sitting together in the family room snuggled up together. It was peaceful and pleasing. I was really having a nice time with the guy and everyone seemed to like him – not that that should matter at all, but it does I guess.

    Kind of a pointless story I know. “Jamez had a dream, film at 11”.

    I think it kind of reawakened the idea of having someone in my life again. I had written that off recently and wasn’t sure I was at all interested in pursuing anything that would last more than a night… or two minutes, how ever long he lasted. I don’t want to get married tomorrow, next month or next year – but I wouldn’t mind having someone to lean against in a movie theater, coffee house or in the pool.

    It was just a dream though, I’ll probably die an old spinster.

  • Dreaded Dentist

    A small cavity had me at the dentist this morning, the decay was located on my lower right wisdom tooth. Going to the dentist for a cleaning is a stressful situation for me so going when I have to have a cavity filled is even worse.

    I arrived 10 minutes early in case they could get me out of there sooner, sadly I was there until 10:25 (25 minutes after my scheduled appointment) waiting and letting fear get the better of me. I imagine every conceivable and inconceivable scenario that can possibly go through my mind – they’ll need to do an emergency root canal, maybe they’ll have to pull out all my teeth after discovering a rare form of mouth cancer, perhaps this batch of Novocaine is faulty and it doesn’t dull pain but enhances it… yes, my mind goes to all those places for the entire 25 minutes.

    The Dentists office has several dentists working there and dentists that I become accustomed to leave right when I’ve gotten used to them – Is it my breath? So this current dentist I’ve only seen once and that was the week before, she seems nice, but like all dentists, is an evil monster who thrives on causing others pain. That smile, it’s only in anticipation of hearing a patient scream. I remind her that I usually get nitrous oxide when I’m at the dentist and she didn’t know that so I had to sit in the chair longer while they prepared the gas. This is not a good sign, they haven’t read my chart and know how fearful this event is for me – it reminds me of the last time I had a cavity and a new dentist was there and he was talking about my root canal – I wasn’t there for a root canal so I freaked out a bit and had one of my anxiety attacks – never saw that guy again fortunately.

    They give me the gas, I breathe in and out in deep full breaths. I picture a nice ocean front beach with blue water, palm trees and serenity – I can’t concentrate on that for long though, before I know it I’m anticipating pain again and then the sweat starts to roll off my body in all places conceivable – it’s possible I sweat more in the dentists chair then I do at the gym – ok, not really, but it all pools into the lower half of my body and it’s icky. My heart is racing pretty quickly even with the gas when she arrives to puncture me with a needle that makes the right side of my head feel heavy and tingly in places. The gas has started to affect my legs and they are numb – I think to myself, stupid gas my legs don’t need to be numb my head does get up here!

    The dentists female assistant suddenly leaves and is replaced by a male assistant and this is another thing that worries me – was what they were about to perform in my mouth to gross for the female assistant to witness? Again… Is it my breath?

    The dentist informs me that they are going to start and stuffs huge balls of cotton in my mouth and reminds me to continue to breath through my nose so I can continue receiving the nitrous oxide, I gladly obliged and am starting to feel fine – then I hear the drill.

    This entire time I’ve had a tight grasp on the arm rests and when the drill kicks in I squeeze a little tighter. The dentist instructs me to raise my hand if they need to stop – like I could suddenly make my hands release their death grip on the chair and lift up in the air in a panic – yeah, that’s very likely to happen. I’ve also not opened my eyes since I sat back in the chair, I know they’ll be grinning evilly and their instruments of pain will be dripping with blood and enamel.

    I’m actually doing ok for a while then they hurt me and I cringe, but I think it’s going to be ok it was just a minor pain – then they hurt me twice more in rapid succession and my body squirms all over the chair. The sweat pouring off my body has tripled and my breathing is more panting then anything else. She stops and they pretend to be concerned for my welfare, but I imagine they’re giggling up a storm and savoring the pain that is evident on my face. They give me another shot of Novocaine and we wait for a few minutes for it to take effect. The dental assistant uses one of their tools to blow air on my face and I start to relax again.

    Shortly thereafter they finish up and the dentist asks me to bite down – after doing so she asks if that “feels normal” I try to tell her that I have no idea if it “feels normal” the entire right side of my head is numb, how should I know…

    As I approach the counter to pay my co-pay the receptionist person asks “How was your visit?”

     

    Horrible