Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Jamez

  • Psych Ward Baby

    My mother was born in the psychiatric ward of a Navy Hospital, hard telling what my grandma was doing there, but there is some speculation. Some say Grandma was raped, and the trauma was such in 1950, the only thing they knew to do was lock her up, others say, that her affair with the officer went sour and she truly lost it. Regardless, with a start like that she was bound to have the life she did and me in turn the life I led.

    You would have thought that being born in a psycho ward would have been the defining moment in my mothers life, but there were others that ranked up there. The time she was almost raped in the cornfield, when she and her friend Tommy had been hitchhiking. I can still picture the scene in my head…

    The car had pulled into a cornfield, and both Mom and Tommy were scared, Tommy in the back seat and my mother in the front. The man reached into the glove compartment and as he did Tommy slammed his legs against the bucket seat shoving the man into the steering wheel. The horn sounded, but all my mother could hear was the sound of Tommy’s strangled cry “Run Cheryl, run.” And she did, and she never looked back.

    Mom told us that story numerous times, in the hopes that it would have us be more cautious or something when we were kids. Me, I thought for sure the man wanted Tommy and not my mom… he sounded adorable. Mom told us Tommy was her boyfriend, and had sandy blonde hair and a slim muscular body… I felt certain, looking at my obese mother, the man had to have wanted to boy.

    Mom was the only child in Grandmother’s marriage that was not of her husband, and it was always thrown back in her face. She was the outsider, the one with the different color hair, the different body type and never treated as the others. Of course living in a violent, alcoholic home didn’t help. I’m sure my mothers life was shaped in those earlier years, and they affected her always.

    First on a sawmill, and then on a ranch, life in rural Wisconsin was good for the family. There was money for schools and money for cars. Model T’s and A’s were stored like precious gems in grandfathers sheds even when I was an adult, truly they were a wonder to behold these ancient relics. They were so big, when you sat in them it was as if you could run over the whole world.

    Grandfather was a mean drunk, a mean man in general, he not only beat on his wife and kids, he was also known to have beat on his horses and cows. Grandmother came up with a plan to protect the children, when he was in a particular foul mood she would say: Red light and they would run into the field until they thought he would pass out or take his fists to someone else, usually my grandmother. My mothers brother was the one he almost killed, grandmother saw it in his eyes the day Grandpa picked up the shovel and said “I’m gonna kill that son of a bitch, and then bury him.” Grandma urged her son to run as far and as fast as he could.. and it was years before he came back.

  • I long…

    I long for his calloused hand in my hand, his heart beat pounding in time to mine.
    I long for the feel of his lips and his tongue, the taste of sweat and passion.
    I long to brush my fingers ever so softly against the fur on his chest.
    I long for the electrifying caress of his hand as it roams my body.
    I long to be a part of him, to be a part of something more.

  • The Spirit of Christmas

    A cold December morning, a car filled with packages, people and pain. So little room that there is a pie between my feet in the back seat. All four of us kids are in the back seat, Dad and Mom sit in the front, the smell of last nights alcohol still seeping through their pores.

    The car travels slowly up Grandpa’s ice covered mile and a half drive, as we approach the house we see the other relatives cars already having arrived. The car comes to a stop and we all start to exit the car, I bend to grab the pie and turn to shut the door. My footing is not secure and I slip precariously on the ice, the pie is lost from my grip and I watch as it falls to the ground as if in slow motion, my hands grasp to catch it just to save this one pie, but I fail.

    “You’ve ruined my Christmas,” my mother wails “can’t you do anything right!” and she turns and walks up the sidewalk, never turning to see the despair in my eyes.

    Happy Phqn X-Mas

  • The Crash

    It was 37 degrees outside, I was bundled up riding my bike home from school. Tucked under my red hat, my ear buds send the sounds of the Dixie Chicks to my ears. I am about a mile from school, crossing a busy intersection when….

    the left pedal snaps off… my foot slams into the pavement and my body twists sending waves of pain over all of it.

    “Damn, what the hell happened?” I say to myself, a small part of me relieved that I didn’t fall completely and bang myself all to hell (mostly worried that I would have looked the fool).

    I pull the bike over to the side, prop it up on the kickstand… the wind blows the bike precariously so I reposition it on the sidewalk. The bolt part of the pedal is filled with grease, and I see some shavings on the bolt… I make an attempt to reattach the bolt, to no avail.

    I know 2 people really in Virginia Beach, I know one of them is up toward DC working and the other is self-employed. I call the one here… but he’s “busy” and suggests I walk home until he can get away. So, I walk for three miles, building on a resentment of a @%*#! that wouldn’t come and get me… I’m trying to get over it.

    Now, I have to try to fix the bike. My legs hurt, my arm hurts and my side hurts a little.

    Well, at least I’m alive, guys got to be grateful about something!

  • Warm Nights

    I’m awake at 3:04 a.m. I wanted to go to sleep around 12:00 a.m.
    The heat, for some reason, wont shut off… just keeps blowing. I flipped the off button, I turned the AC on… nothing.

    First thought is: holy batwings, batman… that’s gonna cost a bundle.
    Second thought: where the hell are those important phone numbers from when I signed the lease?

    It says on that very important sheet of paper:

    situations [that] are considered an emergency:

    • fire
    • gas leak
    • no heat
    • toilet backed
    • flood
    • broken window
    • no A/C

    No where does it say too much heat… so I’m not gonna call at 12:00 a.m. or at 3:07

    But, I’m not gonna have it keep blasting heat at me. So, I flipped the fuse for it. Now I have no heat, but it’s my own fault… do I call them now? “Yeah, I have no heat… ah, duh, cause I flipped the fuse.” yeah, that sounds real smart.

    I’m about to run the heat for just a little bit, and then go to sleep, cause I’m tired… I get sleepy when it’s warm. I’d just let it run and charge the leasing company, but I have irrational fears of the thing blowing up and killing the cats… which would be bad… No, really it would be.

  • Old, Gray, and Gay.

    I’m 35 today. Old, gray, and gay.

    I’m a far cry from what I had expected to be at 15, 20 or 25… I’m alive.

    I keep thinking back to when I was a teen; the music, the trouble the lies.

    Looking back at all I have seen, all I have done that have changed my very life.

    Now it is not a destination, but a journey of a spiritual life.

    A journey of prayer, love and hope. A destination found in His direction and might.

    All that has changed, all that remains the same, all that is new exciting and bright.

    If I could wish a gift for you, for all, this day I wish for an adventure as grand as my life.

  • Wind Blown Rainbows and Butterscotch Dreams…

    My umbrella was destroyed in today’s wind and rain-bent and battered it still managed to block the wind and rain. It was my rainbow umbrella, I loved to spin it in a circle and it always made the song Singing In The Rain come to mind. Today we mourn the loss of another rainbow.

    “After two years without scotch, your much butter!!!” Butterscotch, get it lol… too funny.

    So, the computer instructor would really like me to sign up for some kind of teaching here at TCC, he says he has too many classes to instruct and they are always looking for good people. He says they would probably take into account work experience in the case of teaching computers. He made some reccomendations that I will consider pursuing. You need to remember, writing pays diddly til you’re “somebody”.

    A woman in my Math class (out of the blue) says: “So, are you going to get involved in the drama program this spring?” Wha…? We’ll see, it has been almost twenty years since I’ve done any real acting (pretending to be interested in certain medical professionals banter doesn’t count) and I’m not sure how it would go over.

  • Happy Monday?

    It’s true, I had a happy Monday, I know it sounds simply absurd, but I did.

    To start with, let me say: Folger’s coffee is not as bad as I remembered it. Sure, I’m still a coffee snob, Starbucks is better… but for your poor college student Folger’s will do.

    Second, damn the weather was great today, listening to Rush on the headphones while biking to school is a great way to start your day.

    Our Computer instructor said today that anyone with an A average would not be required to take the final. I stopped him in the hallway and asked if I had an A average, he said: “Yes, as you help Susan and I give you extra credit for that.” … I said: “If I hadn’t helped Susan I wouldn’t have an A average?” … He says: “No, no, I just want you to know that I appreciate it. You know, with a Bachelors Degree you could teach here.” … Well, doesn’t that make you feel all special (not in the short bus kind of way) inside?

    On Friday I attempted, unsuccessfully, to retrieve the grade from my last Psych exam. Today he handed the tests back, and I got a 50 out of 50 possible points… LOL, can you believe that? This was the test on perception, the brain, neuro chemicals… more crap than I care to learn… and I get an A…. too phqn funny.

    Take care.

  • Forgotten Faces Unforgotten Fears

    I cannot recall how he looked, his image has faded from my mind, if only the memories would fade as easily. He shattered my childhood and helped shape the way I view men today. The seduction and molestation changed my life forever.

    If he walked up to me today would his face be remembered? Would it bring back to consciousness the shame, the demoralization, the guilt? Would I feel hate? Disgust? Would I feel at all?

    Would he know me today, would he remember the day in court when my finger pointed at him and I spoke his name? Does he feel sorry for the acts of rape he inflicted upon children of all ages? Does he feel remorse?

    Does God forgive all men? If so, should I?

  • Number 3029 – Race for the Cure

    First I want to thank everyone (Anonymous, Zelda, Scott, Julie, Hans, Dr. D, Christy & Peter, Erika, Jeri, Julianne, Rashida, Courtney, Brett, Denise, Ms. Elliott, Denise, Diana, Eric, Jen, Ann, Kim, Donna M, Michelle, Chris S, Rita, Harriet, Rachael, Sonia) who contributed to my race we raised $925 which was the most a single person raised at my school, so thank you. Second, I’d like to thank all the extra calls, emails, cookies that came to keep me motivated much appreciated. Third, October is National Breast Cancer Awareness month… do self breast exams regularly, get a mammogram (You know who you are)… donate money and by all means wear a pink ribbon.

    Now for the details of the race:

    I didn’t sleep well, thoughts of the race swirled in my head most of the night, and the sound of the coffee pot at 5:25 a.m. came much too soon. I said a few prayers, had a bowl of cereal and paid a sparse amount of attention to the cats before jumping in Randy’s truck and heading off to the beach.

    The beach was filled with people in pink t-shirts. Sponsors had booths set up everywhere (Ford, American Airlines, Kellogg’s, Yoplait…) one of the local radio stations broadcasted live in the center of the booths. I find my schools pick up area and get my number, 3029, on the back of my shirt I pin a pink banner that says: In Memory of Susan Zamer.

    Waiting for the race to begin is an experience that is hard to describe. There is a man wearing a shirt that says “In honor of my Mom, Sherry 1956 – 2005”, a little kid in a stroller whose shirt says “In Celebration of my Mom”. There are t-shirts scattered about that explain how to do a breast self exam, there are pink wrist bands, pink shoelaces, pink, pink, pink…

    The race finally begins and I turn on my MP3 and go. Not even half-way through I want to stop and walk, I see other people walking, I surely could… then I see the guy running ahead of me with the shirt for his Mom “Sherry” and I keep running.

    Water, finally there’s some water… where have these people been, hand out more water for God’s sake…

    I get tired again, I want to walk… I close my eyes and think of Susan and her struggle, did she quit fighting? Did she give up? I tear up, but I keep running.

    I get tired again as we approach a turn, there are people there, I can hear them cheering us on OVER the sound of my music. I tear up, and I keep running.

    I can’t do this, what was I thinking, I have to stop… I think of my Ma surviving and the strength she showed during the whole ordeal. I tear up, and I keep running.

    I finally have to stop; the pain in my stomach is too much… I walk for a half a block, and then take off running again.

    Shouldn’t there be more water, where are you people? Oh, there they are, I can run that far, I need water, I get two small cups of water… I start to slow down, I’m so tired…

    A woman, a survivor, grabs my arm and says “come on, we’re almost there, we can do it”… she inspired me to keep going, she kept pace with me wouldn’t let me slow down kept me going to the end.

    I ran the 5K in 32.24 minutes, and I raised $925.00 thanks to all of you.