Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Jamez

  • Job Hunting

    Job hunting can be challenging, entertaining and frustrating all at the same time.

    I’ve had, what I think, are a few good interviews in the past week. I say that and remember interviewing at Children’s Hospital in DC back in 2000 – when I got to the interview it occurred to me that I had forgotten to wear my belt. I spent the entire interview obsessing about that so much that afterword I couldn’t tell if I had done a good job at the interview or not – I did get the job and it wasn’t until months later that I shared with them how nervous I was, simply because of the missing belt.

    I’ve been told by interviewers that I interview quite well, I have good anecdotal stories, fast thought out answers to difficult questions and I try to engage them in conversations. They even tell me I’m quite friendly and don’t come off as nervous (underneath, let me assure you I’m a bit nervous). I spend time before interviews now reviewing potential questions an employer may ask – and I rehearse examples from my past that give them an idea of what I think they’re looking for. I come prepared with questions that I want to ask, and I have quite a few in case any of those questions are answered during the interview process – they almost always ask after the interview “Do you have any questions for us?” even if you’ve actively engaged in the interview and asked questions during it – so be prepared.

    I’ve been bringing a nice folder along with me to each interview. It carries not only extra copies of my résumé and references but somewhere I can take notes, a sticky note or two and an extra pen. You never know what you might need, I don’t want to walk in with a backpack full of stuff, but I want to be sure they know I’m prepared for any thing. I also make sure I know the names of the people I interview with and afterwards I support the Post Office by sending them a nice Thank You card.

    After a successful interview I was sent some assessments to gauge if I really can work with the software it lists on my résumé. It’s almost like this new relationship you’re about to embark on and they already are questioning what you’ve said you’re capable of. If I can’t work with the software I certainly wouldn’t put it on my résumé, but I imagine some folks do that kind of thing. The assessment gives you a version of software and asks you some pretty simple questions (I guess that’s my opinion) like how to copy, draw borders, insert a table, open a picture… Back in the late 90s or early 00s I became MOUS certified in MS Access and it looked really great on a résumé, but that test was more about simple Microsoft procedures than it was about actually creating databases (still I think it helped me land a job or two). I usually do these tests well, but usually the versions they are using are older than the software I’m using and unfamiliar to me now – this is why I score 93 and 95% and am disappointed.Unknown

    Then comes the personality tests, this is something I’m not to sure about when it comes time to them sending these around. The one I received in my email recently advised me that I could use Internet Explorer or Netscape to take the exam. Netscape? really? Fortunately for me it worked fine in Safari on the iMac. There are several different versions of these tests that I’ve taken but they all basically want to gauge what type of person you are and if you’ll be a good fit in the company. Sometimes they will ask the same question in a different way a question or two down the exam. Ask-The-Right-Questions--300x300The one I recently filled out asked in three different ways if I enjoyed spending time at the bar, which makes me wonder what types of employees they’ve had before. 🙂 The questions can be hard to answer, they expect you to answer honestly but the questions are phrased to trick you into answering specific ways. “I have never told a lie” for example, never ever? or “I enjoy being alone” well sometimes that’s the case, but other times I enjoy the company of others. I’m not a fan of these assessments, I can see why they might be beneficial but they could also screen out a great candidate.

    Then we have the waiting game. I’ve waited to hear back about an interview many different time periods – once I finally received an email six months after the interview, it was a “no” but at least it was an answer. The job market is full of other people, probably as qualified as you are, if not more so and it can take recruiters a while to go through all the prospects. I heard recently that a position I interviewed for had over 250 resumes, I was one of ten chosen for the interview process and there is a chance I could make it to the second interview process, we’ll see.

    There are many opportunities out there. Some of them aren’t for me, but I have to be willing to work towards the one I want and that means studying, preparing, researching, testing and assessing until I land it.

    Off I go, time to do more searching!

  • New Sponsor, New Work

    I’ve asked a guy here to be my sponsor. I heard him talk at a Sunday meeting I attend and could relate to his story quite a bit. He mentioned his home group – a big book step study – and invited us to join him there on Wednesdays. This was right before Xmas and when I thanked him for his share after the meeting I asked where to find it.

    Two weeks later I found myself at the Wednesday night Big Book Study and they were on step 9 – the lead referenced the book, the participants did too and it was a good meeting. There was even talk of traditions and a reading from a pamphlet.

    The group puts on a retreat in April, I went to the committee meeting about it and became intrigued. The next week i heard they were going to have a business meeting/group conscience so I went to that to help decide – it was then that I decided to make it my home group. I volunteered to be the Grapevine rep and joined a Traditions breakfast committee that we’re putting on in April.

    I’m excited to be a part of this group.

    I met the guy I asked to be my sponsor on Saturday morning to see if we both thought it would work out. We met for an hour and a half and chatted about all kinds of things. He has some different takes on things than I’m used to but I’m willing to listen and open to change. He has what I want – a knowledgable calm… best way I can describe it.

    He says we’re going to look at the steps together around “the big three” in my life right now… and my job is to identify them so we can begin… scary, interesting and challenging to me and foreign ….

    We’ll see how it all plays out, but I’m hopeful that I’ll continue to change and grow.

     

  • Surprising Beginnings

    My sponsor gave me directions when I hired him:

    1. 1. Shake everyones hand before and after each meeting
    2. 2. Go to the Northside Group every week – no matter what

    So that’s how I found myself at the Northside meeting on a Sunday night, following sponsor direction I was there and he had assured me he’d give me a ride home. But at the end of the meeting he had forgotten (actually he had relapsed and we just didn’t know it yet) and asked someone else to give me a ride.

    That person was Suzanne W. Who I knew as one of the pretty girls at the meeting, but I don’t really care about girls so whatever. She agreed to give me a ride back to the treatment center.

    As we approached the cars in the parking lot she walked towards a white Z and we climbed in (she loved that car). Very sporty and I think with a t top.

    All the way to the treatment center she talked and I swear she wasn’t watching the road, she was looking at me and talking and talking and talking… and in a New York accent I could barely understand at all. The whole trip I was watching the speedometer and I swear we were doing 300…. ok, maybe I was nervous…. we were going super fast and she just knew how to look at me and the road and talk (and maybe smoke – we were both smokers back then) all at the same time….

    scariest ride of my life!

    That was almost 20 years ago… in June of 1994 I think. That crazy girl from New York became my best friend and while she still does that thing of looking at me and the road and going hundreds of miles over the speed limit (I exaggerate) she’s such a different person now…

    you should all be so lucky to have such a friend and you never know where these types of things are going to come from.

    love you Zanaramadingdong

  • Pondering in the Dark

    The kiss was electric, sounds cliche I know, but it was that kiss that changed it all. It was our first date and I couldn’t tell if he liked me at all, I decided to take a chance and ask for a kiss. He turned, grabbed a hold of me and gave me one of the best kisses I’d ever had – I felt good from my head to my toes and I wanted more, all of his kisses were like that.  As we were moving forward with the wedding plans, because I said yes, a thought occurred that disturbed me:

    I have to care about being alive and now I have to try to stay alive longer.

    That was the lingering thought during the rest of the engagement – the kiss was electric, the sex ok… but having someone to live for… not something I had thought about, it was an inconvenience. That isn’t to say that I don’t have other people in my life, but none of them need me to stick around. When you commit to someone else “for life”, til death do us part and all that jazz… then you should actually try to be there with them as long as you can.

    “Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ or ‘how very perceptive’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.”  The character “Rose Walker” in The Sandman #65

    So, kind of happy that that all didn’t work out. I figure 15 more years is all I really want (I don’t think want is the right word).

    I was re-reading the Harry Potter series over the holiday break and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was obsessed with living forever and I just can’t relate… after a while you’ve done everything you really wanted to do, what the hell would you stick around for? It’s different if you have kids or that other person I suppose, then you’re rather obligated to be there as long as you can. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had none of that, he had worshipers and fear but why would that be worth sticking around for, I think it would get boring.

    I’m not seeking death, not yet anyway (give me 15 years), and this isn’t a “cry for help” it’s just casual observations from my mind. The only thing that seems really suicidal in my own behavior lately has been a weird craving to buy a pack of cigarettes – WTF is that about? no clue

    “Life is a disease: sexually transmitted, and invariably fatal.”
    ― Neil Gaiman

    Then if you bring religions into it and we talk about afterlife or reincarnation – I just can’t grasp why that would be something you’d want. Here I am, having lived a life to it’s fullest (or as full as I cared to muster), then I’m dead and wait… what? now I have to sit around on a cloud for eternity (oh wait I’m gay… burn in hell for eternity). What’s appealing about that. They say things like “spend eternity with the ones you love”….. Seriously, I love my family and friends, but I can only take so much of them before I need to get away… if you want to give me something to look forward to in an afterlife, give it some rocking special effects or great music or excitement… you know, the stuff I was supposed to be searching for and enjoying in life. And reincarnation… why would I want to do it again? Hell no.

    “You get what anybody gets – you get a lifetime.”
    ― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 1: Preludes and Nocturnes

    In this life I’ve done all those things I’ve wanted to do, someone asked me once “Like what?” I’ve sung at the Kennedy Center, had a story or two published, loved someone so much it hurts, escaped the cold winters of WI, made amends for the mistakes in my past and learned to be myself.

    I think that’s enough.

  • Review, Renew, and then Redo

    Last year was full of change.

    Yeah, it was an interesting year. I look back and think that I am really glad that I moved to Phoenix. Do I miss my friends and my cat in DC? Yes, but I like my new friends here and Gary send me pictures of my cat, I know she’s ok.

    I had my first summer here and the temperatures got pretty hot as far as I was concerned it was 118 on June 29th and that was pretty uncomfortable, but I really didn’t mind it until it surpassed 115. The coldest day that we had that I was here was of course my birthday, December 6th, and it was 37 degrees… I was miserable anyway so didn’t notice to much. I didn’t like the few days that were humid at all, the dry heat is really what makes this place so nice for me.

    Besides the weather here, which I really love, what I like most about Phoenix is the A.A. There are so many more options here than there were in DC and they are a lot less politically correct than DC. Are they big book thumping, tradition defending meetings? well not yet, but they are a refreshing change to what I found in DC.

    As I reflect on what happened in the last year and start to look forward to the New Year, I find that I want many of the same things that I had happen to me in 2013. I’m hopeful that this is going to be a better year and full of change!

    Happy New Year to you!

     

  • New Years Resolutions – Quitting Smoking

    It’s really kind of hard to believe, but I quit smoking almost 9 years ago (Jan 1, 2005). It was very cliche, I did it as a New Year’s Resolution…. and I had tried countless other times to quit and not one of them took.

    I think at the time the main concern was how expensive they were getting – I think they were a little over $4 at the time and I kept thinking it was going to to up and up (and it sure has). I had decided enough was enough (but I always thought that before quitting) and I meant it (like always) so I went out and bought Nicorette gum, the lozenge, and the Patch, I even ask my doctor for a Wellbutrin prescription. An extra step I had taped all over my bedroom and bathroom “You Can Quit Smoking” so I’d see it constantly. I also purchased a hypnosis/positive thinking tape (yes, cassette tape) that I played each night before I went to bed.

    As the New Year approached I kept doubting I could do it, I wondered why I even bothered. Hadn’t countless attempts before failed at getting me to quit? Yes, but I was determined this time (like always).

    I didn’t use the gum that day, the lozenge or the patch… I just stopped and gritted my teeth through it. The first day seemed so hard, the habits of when I’d light up were there with me – when I’d step outside, after eating, after sex, during commercials… I was always smoking it seemed and the first day was so hard to get out of that expectation.

    I was grumpy for probably a month, but I had a lot of support of friends and coworkers who kept on encouraging me… before I knew it I no longer had the cravings or the desire to have one at all.

    There was an immediate downside – everything smelled – whether good or bad I could smell all kinds of things I hadn’t before – car exhaust, bad breath, good breath, perfumes… and most of all smokers! Ugh, why didn’t anyone tell me how awful I smelled and how my breath was rancid like that? Probably because I hung out with other smokers, it became evident to me why some guys wouldn’t date a smoker and now I won’t date one.

    There are still days when I consider a cigarette – after a really good meal, on rainy fall days, during movies with lots of smoking.. but I resist and remember how expensive it is (holy crap how can you afford that?) and how bad people smell.

    I tried to quit a million times, I didn’t think this time would work either – but it did. Don’t give up, keep trying if you’re trying and eventually you’ll make it. I think after the first few months you’ll be happier, I know I am.

  • AA's 6th Tradition and the Pink Can

    AA’s sixth tradition reads as follows:

    “6. An A.A. Group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the A.A. name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.” (short or regular form)

    “6. Problems of money, property, and authority may easily divert us from our primary spiritual aim. We think, therefore, that any considerable property of genuine use to A.A. should be separately incorporated and managed, thus dividing the material from the spiritual. An A.A. group, as such, should never go into business. Secondary aids to A.A., such as clubs or hospitals which require much property or administration, ought to be incorporated and so set apart that, if necessary, they can be freely discarded by the groups. Hence such facilities ought not to use the A.A. name. Their management should be the sole responsibility of those people who financially support them. For clubs, A.A. managers are usually preferred. But hospitals, as well as other places of recuperation, ought to be well outside A.A.—and medically supervised. While an A.A. group may cooperate with anyone, such cooperation ought never go so far as affiliation or endorsement, actual or implied. An A.A. group can bind itself to no one.” (long form)

    Many years ago old-timers would refer to Tradition 6 when people would talk about an “AA Picnic” “AA potluck” or “AA Dance” and say AA has no such things, and we do not endorse such things. Same thing that we don’t have “AA treatment centers”, most treatment centers base (loosely) their programs on the AA’s 12 steps, but are not affiliated nor endorsed by AA.

    Here in Arizona I’ve seen a “Pink Can” being passed around to help pay for materials for H&I (Hospitals and Institutions) to provide Big Books and other A.A. literature to those places. This seems, to me, to be financing those outside institutions. So I don’t contribute to those cans…. But I was curious about them and the traditions so I did a google search and found the following in Box 459 News and Notes from the General Service Office of A.A. (AA’s newsletter)

    Pink Cans: Small Change Brings Big Results (2006)

    A large number of inmates in correctional facilities in the U.S. and Canada are in prison because of alcohol, and the flip side is that many of these alcoholics have found the Fellowship in prison. But the quest for sobriety doesn’t come easily behind the walls. Most incarcerated alcoholics have just one meeting a week available to them, and many others are on waiting lists and can get to none at all. That reality underlines the need to send literature into prisons to carry the message in print through the Big Book, other A.A. books and pamphlets, and the A.A. Grapevine.

    How to raise enough money to keep a supply of literature flowing? Corrections committees throughout the service structure make raising money for literature a priority, and one idea that has become popular in some areas is having a pink can (or perhaps a blue or green one) prominently displayed on group literature tables as a way of collecting money for literature for prisons.

    The concept originated (as far as we know) in the Northern California Area in 1957. The area Hospital and Institutions committee (H&I) was rapidly expanding its work in prisons, and the need for literature was increasing by leaps and bounds, to the point where it could no longer be met by individual contributions. Someone came up with the idea of passing around a can at group meetings, explaining that the pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters dropped into the can were intended for alcoholics in pris- ons and hospitals. How to make the cans stand out? Paint them pink. The idea caught on, and eventually groups throughout North America began displaying pink cans on their literature tables. In Northern California, the original one-quart paint cans have been replaced by plastic con- tainers with screw-on, slotted tops. In the beginning, some members were afraid that donations to the pink cans would decrease group contributions, and mindful of that possibility, the committee has always emphasized the importance of providing clear information. They send each group a flyer explaining what the cans are for, print

    information in local A.A. newsletters, and always suggest that the secretary emphasize the importance of contributing to group expenses first.

    Some areas have come up with variations on the basic concept. Northern New Jersey, for example, implemented the idea of having jail boxes, and the area corrections committee sends each group a letter of introduction describing the need and the purpose.

    In the Southern Minnesota area, one of many that have embraced the pink can plan, an article in the area newsletter summed it up: “The pink can is not intended to detract from your group’s normal Tradition Seven contributions. We look only to collect spare change from as many groups as possible. If your group already sponsors a facility with literature, your participation in the pink can insures that literature is reaching all facilities, not just one or two. Does your group have a pink can? What a positive way to turn pocket change into the promises of the A.A. message.”

    Which suggests that the GSO (General Service Office) is alright with this idea and on board.

    But I question if the multi-billion dollar prison industry and treatment centers need us to provide literature to their inmates – their ideas of A.A.’s twelve step program is not the A.A. but a treatment program that takes our steps out of the book and puts them on worksheets and in handouts (opinion).

    I don’t know how others feel about this, but I’m a little on the fence about it and would love to hear what others think about it.

  • Loss of Words

    I went to see the Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug Friday night even after a friend had commented on Facebook about being disappointed with it. See, I’m a fan of the genre, I’m a fan of the book and three that came after – I could recall many of the parts that made up the Lord of the Rings trilogy but found I couldn’t for the Hobbit, that partially explains why my friend Rob was disappointed but I enjoyed the movie.

    When I was watching the dwarves and Bilbo on the mountain – I found myself thinking of Flint Fireforge from the Dragonlance series and I got a little misty thinking about when he passed on and Tasslehoff’s tears… yet, knowing I read the Hobbit you’d think I could recall all the details of that, but I cannot. I remember Smaug, I remember there being dwarves, a spider and maybe some elves… but that’s about the extent of it. When I think of Dragonlance, I can recall intimate details and feelings about Raistlin and his brothers relationship, knowing how Tanis Half-Elven was torn between the ageless elf and the sultry Kitara… Maybe I loved that series more? I don’t know, but the Lord of the Rings trilogy stayed with me longer.

    As I was thinking on it I think of all those books I read when I was younger and how they seemingly changed my life:

    A Brave New World

    1984

    Flowers for Algernon

    Way of the Peaceful Warrior

    A ton of stories from Jack London

    A Clockwork Orange

    You know, I can’t recall details of those books, I have a memory of how much they meant to me at the time and how into them I was, but they didn’t stick. I remember a line from Way of the Peaceful Warrior “we only sell fruit juice here and don’t call me Pop” and I recall being truly frightened reading A Clockwork Orange… but I don’t really have any details, I can’t quote them or reference them with any authority as they’re gone.

    I have them on my Kindle, I bought all these books because I used to own them and I wanted them to be a part of my collection again. And I might have to reread them again, to see if the magic is still there – if they grab me and take me to the world the author wanted me to experience with them, to see if I still get frightened during or if this time 1984 scares me more.

    I don’t have memories of people from the late 70s to 80s either, they’re just gone. There are people from two different high schools that I’m supposed to know and I can’t seem to place them, they seem oddly familiar but they’re just not inside my head anymore. Kind of weird really. I pretend, it’s easy on Facebook to pretend I remember, but I don’t… There come times though when I run into them in real life and then the pretending go well, cause I can’t lie about it… happened a few years ago when I was visiting a friend I do remember and two of our high school mates showed up, but I couldn’t recall them and I should have been able to, and it’s happened since and will likely happen again. Part of why I stay in touch with some many people from past jobs is I’m afraid if I don’t I won’t be able to remember them – it could happen.

    Anyway, I’m looking forward to rereading these stories and going to another world with the authors.

  • 10 Days of Whine

    My 42nd year is coming to an end. In ten days it’s my birthday… I don’t really want to be anything except 42, I liked it. After all 42 is the answer to the ultimate question of Life, the Universe and Everything…  I guess all things must change or die – hard choice that one. I think I’ll be 42.A for this birthday, I’ll ask my math friends (I have some, really I do) if there are clever mathematic equations that look cooler than 42.A.

    Typically for my birthday I would head to a warm destination, sit by a pool and do nothing. Now I live in a warm destination (supposedly – it’s only 46 out this morning) and I don’t know anyone with a heated pool. I’m not flying anywhere, not likely having any fancy meals or doing anything.  In past years instead of gifts I’ve asked for people to donate to charity, sometimes I even picked the charity to give for my birthday. I had all I needed and there seemed little need for more things.

    Now though, it’s been tough. I’m struggling financially, juggling things around and stressing out about it – I’m not supposed to do that anymore ( fear of economic insecurity will leave us ) and I know I can get rid of that fear, but it seems I keep asking and it’s still there. I’m taking action about the money thing – trying to find other income streams and cutting back on costs of a few things I can live without. I’m weighing all my options which is going to lead to more change before too long.

    There was a leak in my patio door and rain seeped into my bedroom – half the carpet was wet when I awoke the next morning. Every article of clothing in the bedroom closet was wet. Several books I had out are warped from the moisture. For four days a blower was in my room drying things out. Yesterday they came and cleaned the carpets, now the carpet was wet the entire bedroom. I’ve had fans blowing in there all night and I slept on the couch for the fifth night. I’m going to have to rewash everything and take the dress clothes to the dry cleaner again.

    I’m letting someone else’s fear and paranoia affect me and make me paranoid and distrustful and damn if that isn’t a horrible place to be. It’s contagious and I’m acting on those fears out of instinct. Fear is not a nice place to live and I don’t like having it around me. I think about when I was drinking and using, how I’d go to bed at night (or early morning) and just lie there thinking about all the horrible things that were coming to pass or that I had done and just lie there not sleeping . I don’t have that, the fear isn’t that bad I can still go to bed and in moments fall blissfully asleep, for which I’m thankful. But I find myself dwelling more than I should about the future, the present and people that I have no control over. 

    The cost of the recent dental procedure wasn’t covered by my dental insurance at all, I wish Obamacare would have effected all insurances, so I had to do a dental credit plan with them. The recent surgery I’ve only gotten a bill for $20 so far, I hope that’s it but I bet that too will be bigger before to long.

    I’m still new here, but at meetings several people in recent weeks have come up to me and talked to me like I’m a newcomer… I’m patient with them and listen intently to their suggestions about how to stay sober. A part of me wonders why they can’t tell that I’ve been around a long time – it’s the fear I think. It’s the worry that I show on my face, newcomers have fear all the time, but I’m not supposed to. There is a guy, Chris, that goes to meetings that I do and he brings his Big Book with him, (refreshing change) and he reads along when they read HIW or the Promises and he reads when people annoy him, lol, I need to bring my book but I fear I’d read it all  through the meeting. I’m still looking for a “Home Group”, I get close sometimes, but I haven’t found that meeting that I really want to be at yet.. I miss my DC home group and those folks quite a bit.

    So it’s almost my birthday, please send money, job opportunities, or a rich handsome man my way (he could even have bad breath and chew his toenails).

  • Thomas Road

    it’s 40 now not 35
    it’s 40 now not 35
    i don’t know why you can’t drive
    it’s 40 now not 35
     
    the sign is back there
    look, there’s another
    it went up back there 
    oh brother
     
    why are you slowing down?
    WTF, WTF, WTF
    i can’t get around (more…)