Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Dreams

  • Two Pills

    Two Pills

    The depression I have is mostly under control with medication. I was taking Celexa but it stopped working so now I’m taking Paxil which appears to be working again. Working means no dark cloud around world, not everything seems hopeless and I can justify not ending it all.

    I talk about depression and how I first came to take medication in a story on my blog called “Lost” and you can read about it there.

    I have seen a psychologist or two and talked to my regular doctor about these things. The regular doc diagnosed me as no only having severe depression but now I have severe anxiety also – I don’t really want to be around anyone, or talk to anyone or leave home… it’s fun to try to live this way. The regular doc suggested I see a psychiatrist so that’s scheduled. Not to worry, we all know I’m crazy so there wont be any difference in how we treat me or you…. or those other people you can’t see.

    Last night I dreamed I was meeting with the psychiatrist – she was a short pudgy woman with wiry black hair. As I entered her office she was sitting with her back to a corner on the floor, she motioned me forward.

    I sat down on a pillow across from her and we talked about life, my new job and death and dying. I advised her, as I have others, if they would just be two pills to end it all I would take them at that moment and be done with it. She offered me her hand palm up holding two pills – one red one blue. I smiled, and asked her if she was fucking with me… she assured me no. I grabbed the pills shoved them in my mouth and swallowed.

    It was actually one of my more peaceful suicide dreams.

    Today, if there were an over the counter option to end it all, with forms or online options to donate body parts to science or people that oddly want to live, I’d be gone already.

  • The Extractor

    In 2028 the US Government took a dramatic swing from Democrat and Republican to Technocrat. After over twelve years of decline into the superstition of religion and the fear it breeds, the population rose up and replaced those running on old ideas and replaced them with those who had scientific knowledge and acumen to change the course of the country.

    Technocrats and the Technocracy movement abolished old ideas keeping the country from progressing. Instead of interfering with scientific progress that might offend the religious we jumped into the deep end and made real change. One of the first major changes, after hard fought years was the removal of tax-exempt status for any religious organization involved in politics at any level. There was first outrage yet afterwards the populace found progress, real progress towards fixing the country and the world was happening. What faith and fear held back inquiry and investigation into the worlds of science blossomed new generations and ideas. (more…)

  • Voodoo, Turtles and Magic

    My dream last night:

    He looked like a Native American at first – his face painted with white stripes, eyes full of crazy, long hair draped down in dreads. I approached him cautiously unsure of why he was there.

    He grabbed my wrist tight, I tried to pull away but he just squeezed tighter. He looked into my eyes first – probing for something in me, something he needed. Then his eyes reached to the heavens and he yelled something incomprehensible to me.

    He placed a pouch into my hands, smiled a curious smile and before me he started to crumble. His entire body was disintegrating into a fine gray powder. The last to go was his hand that had a hold of my wrist, when it too fell to the ground my wrist was imprinted with a blue gray design I’d never seen before. (more…)

  • What's Going On In My World

    A nightmare woke me up this morning around 1:30 – couldn’t fall back to sleep after an hour or so so I’m up.

    Someone was using text messages to hack into my brain – their little profile pic showed it was the Bones villain Christopher Pelant, a very smart computer guy who makes other peoples lives hell. He taunted me in the message a few times, I’d close it and another would open up again. I turned off the wifi and it was there again… pop, a new message from the hacker guy.

    I felt as if he was inside my mind trying to erase important data that I needed. I had an image of a tall brunette woman with an axe chopping through walls that were made of magazine paper. “It’s gone, I’ll find it and you’ll never even know it was yours” she said.

    I tried to close the chat window again and it just wouldn’t close – Pelant taunted me again, his profile pic laughing at me.

    A friend grabbed my hand and said – “shut it all down, shut it all down before it’s too late.” but my other hand went to close the chat window… he squeezed my wrist and yanked out the power cord.

    and I woke up

    I was kept awake by the thought that maybe someone was really hacking into my brain – like on Johnny Mnemonic and they were taking something valuable. Then I realized I don’t really have anything valuable… so I started obsessing about work…  (more…)

  • To Get Off Or Not

    I started taking an anti-depressant at the end of the year called Citalopram (Celexa). I wasn’t really sure it was a good idea but I was in a bad place and was looking for a way out. My regular doctor did an annual “how are you doing” survey on me last fall and suggested it… it wasn’t until the end of the year I took it, I was very reluctant.seemed. The reluctancy comes from a few places.

    First my Mother was crazy… not diagnosed crazy, but a hypochondriac it … Actually seeing how things have played out with my siblings its possible she had real medical issues and mental issues and was never diagnosed or treated properly. But as a kid it appeared as if she were always taking another pill for another made up thing. She never got better, he had peaks and valleys but she’d end up right back where she had been before. This sounds worse than it was… she wasn’t a good mother as in her needs came first – whether it was men, chocolate, romance novels, men or men… we were often a hindrance to what she wanted to do. When we were all teens she sent us all off to live with various relatives she was done. People will say “she did the best she could” but I don’t really buy into that.  (more…)

  • Fatigued Funnies

    I didn’t sleep much last night. I went to sleep around 11 and thought it would be a full night of rest.. but a little after 2 I was wide awake lying in bed hoping to fall back to slumber. But sleep won’t come when you want it to it seems… So instead I got up and did some reading and some work… and headed to the office. I think I got there a little after five…

    Anyway, it was a long day and I spent it doing my normal stuff.. you know: creating chaos, listening to people whine, shaking my head while reading emails from co-workers…

    Anyway I started to run out of energy around 3 today at the office and laughed at things that weren’t all that funny… that’s a nice thing I guess and laughter is good for you they say.

    it continued tonight when I arrived home – I laughed for a good five minutes at this picture from Facebook

    deleted image

    I’m trying to stay awake for another hour or so, in the hopes that I’ll sleep through the night, watching some old episodes of Castle and it’s making me laugh… and a cat meme… and a lot of silliness

    I hope you’ve had a laughter filled day like I have – sweet dreams.

  • The Belly Button of Thirst

    Contrary to what many may believe I don’t dream about Superman often, but last night I did and it was very odd.

    The last son of Krypton and I were traversing through the universe and came to a planet primarily composed of water. I was being carried in Superman’s arms much like Lois Lane and whispered in his ear that we should check this place out. 

    We lowered into the atmosphere and were flying around looking at the beauty of this planet – water was almost everywhere and sparkled the light from the sky in great colors – it was amazing. We finally found a species there and Superman lowered me to the ground. (more…)

  • 2014 Better Than I Imagined

    So much happened this year I’m having difficulty believing it all fit in 365 days.

    AA:

    I started work with a new sponsor, Flo. Did another 4th and 5th Step. Sought his advice and direction in many things I’ve never asked a sponsor before, and its really changed who I am. Tonight at my meeting it was on Step 12 (Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principles in all our affairs) and just reflecting on the step work this year and my willingness I think I finally feel some of that “joy” we talk about – I still think it’s a bit overrated, but maybe I’ll get used to it.

    I sponsored 4 guys this year – one of them moved back to WI (Matthew); one of them got drunk again (Zack) and then sobered up again; one of them has been sober longer than I (Mark); and one of them just kind of disappeared (Jordan).  Each of them helped me tremendously this year and I’m glad that I had the opportunity to share with them (even if sometimes they don’t listen). The very first sponsee I ever had (David) passed away and I was with my current sponsor when I received the news. (more…)

  • Curiosity

    “I love you” he said

    “Why do you say that?” James asked

    Smiling down at the child he states “I say it because you fill my heart with joy”

    “How do you know your heart is filled, is there a meter somewhere?” the boy asks, looking at the man with curiosity and half expecting a gauge to pop out of an arm

    “You just know” said the man “it’s a feeling I get when I see you, when I spend time with you”

    “If you didn’t spend time with me this love would go away?” James asked

    “No, no” chuckled the man “I’ll always love you”

    Love, James decided, was a complicated thing

    Another thing he struggled with understanding – love, fear, sadness, hate. People would often say they “missed him” but their explanations and definitions of missing weren’t logical at all – how can just the absence of his presence affect anything at all – that’s not how the universe works. For things to be affected something has to be there and he was nowhere near those people who “missed him”.

    Humans, James decided, were a complicated thing. (more…)

  • Newcomer

    Here we go again, I think as we stand and grab hands. We sure do pray a lot here, but at least everyone doesn’t hug me here like they did at the NA meeting I attended.

    “Who keeps us sober?” comes a voice from across the hall and then the chanting begins:

    “Our Father who are in heaven, hallowed by thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory for ever and ever. Amen”

    I try to let go of the hands but this group does another ritual – “Keep coming back, it works if you work and you’re worth it” they say while pumping our hands in unison together. The man next to me has sweaty hands and I try to wipe off my hands without him noticing, I don’t know why it matters, he must know he has sweaty hands. Try as I might every time I hear that prayer and any of the chantingI picture a Borg Cube talking about assimilation. (more…)