The Extractor

In 2028 the US Government took a dramatic swing from Democrat and Republican to Technocrat. After over twelve years of decline into the superstition of religion and the fear it breeds, the population rose up and replaced those running on old ideas and replaced them with those who had scientific knowledge and acumen to change the course of the country.

Technocrats and the Technocracy movement abolished old ideas keeping the country from progressing. Instead of interfering with scientific progress that might offend the religious we jumped into the deep end and made real change. One of the first major changes, after hard fought years was the removal of tax-exempt status for any religious organization involved in politics at any level. There was first outrage yet afterwards the populace found progress, real progress towards fixing the country and the world was happening. What faith and fear held back inquiry and investigation into the worlds of science blossomed new generations and ideas. Continue reading

Voodoo, Turtles and Magic

My dream last night:

He looked like a Native American at first – his face painted with white stripes, eyes full of crazy, long hair draped down in dreads. I approached him cautiously unsure of why he was there.

He grabbed my wrist tight, I tried to pull away but he just squeezed tighter. He looked into my eyes first – probing for something in me, something he needed. Then his eyes reached to the heavens and he yelled something incomprehensible to me.

He placed a pouch into my hands, smiled a curious smile and before me he started to crumble. His entire body was disintegrating into a fine gray powder. The last to go was his hand that had a hold of my wrist, when it too fell to the ground my wrist was imprinted with a blue gray design I’d never seen before. Continue reading

What’s Going On In My World

A nightmare woke me up this morning around 1:30 – couldn’t fall back to sleep after an hour or so so I’m up.

Someone was using text messages to hack into my brain – their little profile pic showed it was the Bones villain Christopher Pelant, a very smart computer guy who makes other peoples lives hell. He taunted me in the message a few times, I’d close it and another would open up again. I turned off the wifi and it was there again… pop, a new message from the hacker guy.

I felt as if he was inside my mind trying to erase important data that I needed. I had an image of a tall brunette woman with an axe chopping through walls that were made of magazine paper. “It’s gone, I’ll find it and you’ll never even know it was yours” she said.

I tried to close the chat window again and it just wouldn’t close – Pelant taunted me again, his profile pic laughing at me.

A friend grabbed my hand and said – “shut it all down, shut it all down before it’s too late.” but my other hand went to close the chat window… he squeezed my wrist and yanked out the power cord.

and I woke up

I was kept awake by the thought that maybe someone was really hacking into my brain – like on Johnny Mnemonic and they were taking something valuable. Then I realized I don’t really have anything valuable… so I started obsessing about work…  Continue reading

To Get Off Or Not

I started taking an anti-depressant at the end of the year called Citalopram (Celexa). I wasn’t really sure it was a good idea but I was in a bad place and was looking for a way out. My regular doctor did an annual “how are you doing” survey on me last fall and suggested it… it wasn’t until the end of the year I took it, I was very reluctant.seemed. The reluctancy comes from a few places.

First my Mother was crazy… not diagnosed crazy, but a hypochondriac it … Actually seeing how things have played out with my siblings its possible she had real medical issues and mental issues and was never diagnosed or treated properly. But as a kid it appeared as if she were always taking another pill for another made up thing. She never got better, he had peaks and valleys but she’d end up right back where she had been before. This sounds worse than it was… she wasn’t a good mother as in her needs came first – whether it was men, chocolate, romance novels, men or men… we were often a hindrance to what she wanted to do. When we were all teens she sent us all off to live with various relatives she was done. People will say “she did the best she could” but I don’t really buy into that.  Continue reading

Fatigued Funnies

I didn’t sleep much last night. I went to sleep around 11 and thought it would be a full night of rest.. but a little after 2 I was wide awake lying in bed hoping to fall back to slumber. But sleep won’t come when you want it to it seems… So instead I got up and did some reading and some work… and headed to the office. I think I got there a little after five…

Anyway, it was a long day and I spent it doing my normal stuff.. you know: creating chaos, listening to people whine, shaking my head while reading emails from co-workers…

Anyway I started to run out of energy around 3 today at the office and laughed at things that weren’t all that funny… that’s a nice thing I guess and laughter is good for you they say.

it continued tonight when I arrived home – I laughed for a good five minutes at this picture from Facebook

Screen Shot 2016-04-05 at 8.24.32 PM

I’m trying to stay awake for another hour or so, in the hopes that I’ll sleep through the night, watching some old episodes of Castle and it’s making me laugh… and a cat meme… and a lot of silliness

I hope you’ve had a laughter filled day like I have – sweet dreams.

 

The Belly Button of Thirst

Contrary to what many may believe I don’t dream about Superman often, but last night I did and it was very odd.

The last son of Krypton and I were traversing through the universe and came to a planet primarily composed of water. I was being carried in Superman’s arms much like Lois Lane and whispered in his ear that we should check this place out. 

We lowered into the atmosphere and were flying around looking at the beauty of this planet – water was almost everywhere and sparkled the light from the sky in great colors – it was amazing. We finally found a species there and Superman lowered me to the ground. Continue reading

2014 Better Than I Imagined

So much happened this year I’m having difficulty believing it all fit in 365 days.

AA:

I started work with a new sponsor, Flo. Did another 4th and 5th Step. Sought his advice and direction in many things I’ve never asked a sponsor before, and its really changed who I am. Tonight at my meeting it was on Step 12 (Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principles in all our affairs) and just reflecting on the step work this year and my willingness I think I finally feel some of that “joy” we talk about – I still think it’s a bit overrated, but maybe I’ll get used to it.

I sponsored 4 guys this year – one of them moved back to WI (Matthew); one of them got drunk again (Zack) and then sobered up again; one of them has been sober longer than I (Mark); and one of them just kind of disappeared (Jordan).  Each of them helped me tremendously this year and I’m glad that I had the opportunity to share with them (even if sometimes they don’t listen). The very first sponsee I ever had (David) passed away and I was with my current sponsor when I received the news. Continue reading

Curiosity

“I love you” he said

“Why do you say that?” James asked

Smiling down at the child he states “I say it because you fill my heart with joy”

“How do you know your heart is filled, is there a meter somewhere?” the boy asks, looking at the man with curiosity and half expecting a gauge to pop out of an arm

“You just know” said the man “it’s a feeling I get when I see you, when I spend time with you”

“If you didn’t spend time with me this love would go away?” James asked

“No, no” chuckled the man “I’ll always love you”

Love, James decided, was a complicated thing

Another thing he struggled with understanding – love, fear, sadness, hate. People would often say they “missed him” but their explanations and definitions of missing weren’t logical at all – how can just the absence of his presence affect anything at all – that’s not how the universe works. For things to be affected something has to be there and he was nowhere near those people who “missed him”.

Humans, James decided, were a complicated thing. Continue reading

Newcomer

Here we go again, I think as we stand and grab hands. We sure do pray a lot here, but at least everyone doesn’t hug me here like they did at the NA meeting I attended.

“Who keeps us sober?” comes a voice from across the hall and then the chanting begins:

“Our Father who are in heaven, hallowed by thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory for ever and ever. Amen”

I try to let go of the hands but this group does another ritual – “Keep coming back, it works if you work and you’re worth it” they say while pumping our hands in unison together. The man next to me has sweaty hands and I try to wipe off my hands without him noticing, I don’t know why it matters, he must know he has sweaty hands. Try as I might every time I hear that prayer and any of the chantingI picture a Borg Cube talking about assimilation. Continue reading

The Difference

I was at a small birthday celebration for a friend Friday night when I overheard one of the attendees talking about being a foster parent. I listened as best I could over the din of the bar. You should have heard this woman talk about some of the kids she had come through her house – she talked with joy, pride and sadness, sadness that some of them were now back in danger again. She’s also a teacher, elementary school I think, and that in itself should be considered a superhero, the foster parent doubly so.

I’m a product of Foster Care, I wasn’t really in any danger, but I was one of those kids that lacked proper supervision and was amok in most parts of my life. When I entered my foster home for the first time I tried to talk myself into running the first day – nothing bad had happened, but these people just didn’t understand me and couldn’t possibly keep up with me. My Ma had plenty of foster kids before me and was more than a match for my teenaged ideas of right and wrong.

My Ma and Pa held me responsible for my own actions – I had to wake up to my own alarm clock for school each day, I had chores, I received allowance, I had dinner every night at the table with the family (seemed stupid at the time, but it was something I came to look forward to each day and long for today). In my foster home I didn’t fear anyone coming home drunk in a rage to beat up anyone else, I didn’t worry about having food for dinner, I found peace. I wrote a poem about it a few years ago you can find here: (Foster Home) and I’ve pasted it here too

brown house now blue

gray hair then and now too

Ma in rocker knitting

Pa in recliner

fear crawls up my spine

my bags packed, all that is mine

social worker pressures shoulder

keeps me from running

dinner together, conversation and laughter

alien world, foreign notions – food a plenty

tears delay that first night,

though hard fought, buried deep

rules, responsibility, chores

wake up myself for school

wash dishes, mow lawns

allowance? what’s that?

foster brother and i

share smokes and stories

on the front patio

now enclosed, then exposed

three years teach me, show me love me

five years gone, back i come to make right

show them i’ve found the light

love unconditional, no exceptions

dc bound, to find my way

just call anytime

no questions asked

you can always come home

breast cancer scare,

tears unhindered

stream down my cheeks

fear strikes deep and hard

twenty years later, college bound

ma and pa, rhonda and greg

come to see the sites,

nope!

to see me off, wish me well, show me love

the family i didn’t choose

forced upon me by action of youth

became the one that mattered most

showed me the truth of love itself

When my Pa died a few years ago it … it still brings tears to my eyes… I decided to change my name to honor him. That’s the kind of impact they had on me – I owe my life to them (to AA too, yes) and have had so much opportunity as a result of everything they gave me.

I’m not a foster parent, I’m not very patient with kids, but I urge you to be. I urge you to be the person that makes a difference in the life of a child, show them that not all parents are irresponsible, hurtful and mean. Show them a path that leads to a better life… and make sure you hug them, kids need hugs.

Here are some links about foster care, if you’re interested give them a read and help make a difference.

http://www.adoptuskids.org/for-families/how-to-foster

http://www.fosterparents.com

http://nfpaonline.org

http://www.kidspeace.org/Foster.aspx