55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: Cats

Busy DC Visit

Saturday morning I was up early to catch a 6:30 flight to BWI. My first trip back to DC since I moved. I had called a cab the night before and they assured me they would be here on time – they called when I was still naked but I assured them I’d be down there in about 10 minutes. When I got down stairs the taxi was driving around the parking lot and another taxi was shadowing him, my phone rang the taxi guy wanted to know which building and I told him how to find me… I also asked about the taxi taking him and he assured me he didn’t know. When we pulled out onto Thomas the other taxi turned the other way. On the way to the airport I asked if I could roll down the window in the back and he said no, “You’ll be cold” he said. I rolled my eyes at him and if I had had my coffee I might not have been as irritated as I was… but then the music started. Over his communication radio came some music from his homeland and it was all crackly and staticky and played the whole way…. arrgghh.

I got through airport security quickly enough, stood in line for coffee for over 20 minutes (they really need more coffee places) and before I knew it I was boarding the plane. The plane ride was uneventful, I slept an hour or so and read the book The Ocean at the End of the Lane. As we descended into Baltimore I noticed the leaves changing and wasn’t awed or inspired, yes, now they’re orange, gold, yellow and red… /yawn

Jim being funny

My good friend Jim picked me up at the airport and was happy to see him. I gave him a big hug and knew all was right with the world. We started chatting right away about all kinds of things “How are the kids? How are the grandkids? Where’s Ana?” I asked. We stopped to have lunch and chatted some more. I wanted to get to the house in Washington to see Mouse (the cat) as she’d been alone for about 24 hours so Jim drove me into the city. I hugged my friend farewell, I knew I’d see him Monday morning and we clarified all of that.

Upon entering my old residence I attempted to open the door with my Scottsdale apartment key … but quickly was inside, video camera in hand to try to capture a super Youtube viral video of which my cat didn’t participate… she was very cautious about sniffing me and letting me touch her, oh well.

I spent a few hours with Mouse and put some personal hygiene products away before heading to Pentagon City Mall to have dinner with my best friend Suzanne. Now that was a very involved conversation – I’m going through a small rough patch and she drove all the way up from Virginia Beach (3 1/2 hours) to see me and make sure I was ok. We talked about her too, it’s not just about me. Just seeing her and spending that time with her was worth the trip. She’s the type of friend that won’t let me live in my own shit, she shows me the way when I’m in the dark – she’s always been that for me.

Saturday night as I fell asleep on the couch at Gary’s Mouse slept near me, but not too near.. 🙂 Sunday morning she followed me around as I showered and headed out for a day of stuff. I headed to Annie’s Steak House for breakfast with my friend Steve. I ate there every Sunday morning that I was home and almost always ate their Grilled Chicken Salad for breakfast, lunch or dinner – I really like it.

After breakfast I headed over to a gay AA meeting to see old friends. The meeting was ok. It was nice to see some people and hear all the latest gossip and drama. I then had lunch with my friend Jason, it was nice to talk to him and see what’s been going on. I also talked with him about some work stuff and discovered interesting tidbits.

I didn’t get back to Gary’s until afternoon and Mouse was starving and suddenly very friendly – she gets fed one wet meal a day and she was convinced it was time – I held off until 2:30 and then gave in to her. After she eats then she wants nothing to do with you and finds a dark spot to take a nap. I took a brief nap and then had to head out to have dinner with some other friends – this time at the Cheesecake Factory.

I was anticipating more friends than arrived, but things come up. It was Danny, Steve and Cynthia with me for dinner and it was such a great experience – the waitress was odd and gave us moments to question if we were on TV or something a few times. It was so nice to see these folks and hear about the growth of the meeting, their lives and talk to them – I really miss them. The night was well worth the the trip to DC. When we finished after hugs and “see you Tuesday?” Cynthia dropped me off at Jinx Proof tattoos so I could see her paramour and my friend Matthew. I wanted to make sure it was ok to ask another tattoo guy in his shop to do a big tattoo for me… the guy is known for his superhero/comic book tattoos and it’s just amazing… I also wanted to see Matthew as he couldn’t make dinner. I’ve known some of these folks such as short time but really connect with them – Matthew feels like one of those friends I’ve always known. I walked back to Gary’s from Georgetown – 3.7 miles… this is something I used to do all the time but my legs really ached after – I need to walk more again.

Monday morning I awoke at six was out of the house by 7 to meet Jim in Takoma Park. We stopped at the 7/11 for coffee and then proceeded to his house where I looked at the QuickBooks account, sorted files, paid bills, fixed computer bugs (not viruses, just minor annoyances) and then helped his wife Ana, with some computer issues and taught her a few new tricks – she’s a great student. I spent the entire day with the DiLuigi’s and it was very nice to do so, they’ve always been family and mean the world to me. Jim shocked Ana and I by deciding to go through and throw away old files… like over 25 years old… It was nice to look at papers that referenced the forming of the American’s with Disabilities Act and know that this man was a part of that back then. We ended the day at Outback, and had more and more conversations before I headed back to DC.

Gary and Ian had been in Fort Lauderdale for the last few days and I finally got the chance to see them. Mouse was there too and was kind of lovable. It was nice to see my old roommate and I commented how nice it was of him to leave my bathroom the same as it was when I left – all my toiletries were exactly where i left them. Before I knew it I had to go to bed, I was to be up at 6 to go back to Jim’s – this night Mouse slept with me and it was nice – she usually sleeps down at my feet under the covers so no tossing and turning 🙂

lunch

Tuesday after more work at Jim and Ana’s we went to Maggiano’s to have lunch. It was the DiLuigi’s, Gary and Ian. We had family style and took our time, I think we had a three hour lunch. The conversations ranged from horse racing and church to the way Ian pronounces “garage” – the English are wonderful.

Tuesday night I attended my home group, the Tuesday Night Big Book Study – the best meeting in Washington DC. The room was packed full of people and all the founders were there. After the first reading I shared and then my friends shared and then other people shared and it was wonderful… I needed that. AA here in Scottsdale is nice, but the TNBBS is top rated. I was able to see Taylor and Laura who couldn’t make the dinner on Sunday and got so many hugs and … ahhhh…. what a great group. Afterwards Danny, Matthew and I had a quick stop at the Cosi chatting away until they closed the place at 9. Matthew and I drove over to his and Cynthia’s new house (7)42 is the house number (the seven is silent) and they really picked a great place – enough room for the both of them, spacious and I’m happy for them! I saw their kitties as well.

My last night at Gary’s and we were up til 11 chatting and watching shows he likes. Mouse slept with me kind of. I packed the next morning quickly had breakfast, shipped a portrait of myself that my friend Ron had painted and said my good byes. No tears this time, no hard goodbyes, just knowing everyone’s ok is nice.

Jim picked me up at the metro, we went to lunch and then he dropped me off at BWI. Again no hard goodbyes, but a strong hug and smile from my friend.

It was a great trip to DC, it was cold at times… but it was nice to see friends and family… I imagine I’ll have to go back again in 6 months or so…

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October 24, 2013
My Appendix

I had my appendix taken out on Tuesday night at Washington Hospital Center, I feel much better already.

Sunday night, January 6, 2013 as I sat on my bed to go to sleep i felt a weird twinge in my belly area – just found it weird, didn’t think about it too much and went to sleep.

Monday my stomach/side ached most of the day. Nothing to keep me from work or anything, just annoying. It did actually start to hurt more and more as the day went by. I ate a couple times, hoping that would help, and actually didn’t have dinner wasn’t hungry. I was just over the whole achy thing and went to bed around 9:30.

At around 12:30 I woke up to extreme pain in my right side – I went to the toilet, hoping maybe I just had gas or something, but I couldn’t go. After a few minutes of the pain not going away and the feeling of nausea a couple times I called the Kaiser advice nurse and explained what was going on – she advised me to call 911.

I called 911 and within five minutes and ambulance arrived in our parking lot. I didn’t know if I was to go out there or if they were to come into my house so I just sat here. They came in and said ok lets go, lol. They took my vitals – I was pretty freaked out not only because of the pain but being in an ambulance really isn’t a fun idea to me and the paramedic guy kept asking me to calm down but it was hopeless. They called in to dispatch and dispatch directed them to Howard University Hospital (HUH). On the way to Howard the Paramedic told me I’d be better off going to Washington Hospital Center (WHC), but they had to go where dispatch sent them.

At Howard I filled out a simple form and the paramedic told me I could call a taxi and go to WHC if I was waiting to long, he really wanted me to do that – I should have listened I guess. I arrived at HUH around 1:00 sat in the waiting room for 1 1/2 hours and then in a hallway for 2 more hours and had only peed in a cup and given blood. It was around 5:30 when I finally got a bed in a hallway in the ER and another hour or so before anyone came to look at me. I kept whispering “just come fix me, just come fix me” over and over again as I wanted to no longer be in pain so badly. At the shift change I think I finally started to get help a nurse gave me pain medication – I felt very loopy. They gave me an IV for the cat scan or the X-ray machine.

The results of the cat scan said I didn’t have appendicitis but they were going to ask for a surgery consult just in case – the surgery consult guy was right behind him and came over to examine me – honestly I think it was the first doctor to touch me during this whole time and it was around 9:00 a.m. He was so super sexy, bearded, furry chest hairs peeking through his shirt collar and he was almost positive I had “early appendicitis” and said we’d be having surgery.

Ana came to visit while I was there, that was nice. I felt like I had been there forever by that point.

As I have Kaiser insurance they had to get approval to do the surgery there, but that didn’t happen and there were orders to send me to WHC that was around 10:30 a.m. I sat and waited until 2:00 before I was transferred via ambulance. Did you know there are speed bumps on the way to WHC ER? Isn’t that a sweet thing to do to people that are in pain already? geez!

At WHC I was put in a temporary room for a few hours until they got my permanent room ready. We had a small problem with medications for me, I was in pain again but my SSN kept coming up as James J. Appel and they wanted to make sure I was who I said I was… I think it was 2 hours before I received pain medication at WHC and then they moved me to my permanent room. My permanent room I shared with a 80 year old man who’d never been in a hospital before that he knew of, nice quiet guy. My friend Donna came to visit from CNMC, that was very nice too.

They started prepping me for surgery around 6 or something. Antibiotic IVs, fluids, pain meds – I should mention they wouldn’t let me eat or drink anything since I got there, I wasn’t hungry but I was very thirsty.

They rolled me away to the surgery area around 7:30 and I met the people who put you under, they were in good spirits and seemed like nice folks. They asked me about ever having surgery before and I explained that I had lazy eye surgery as a kid and threw up after on my parents – who had tried to feed me McDonalds so really it was their own fault.

The Operating room was really very cool to look at I loved the look of the lights and the tech they had in there. I kept trying to breathe deeply and my eyes closed when I’d start to think about what was about to happen. I thought someone was pushing my socks up but she was really attaching something that massaged my legs – that was very nice, but honestly freaked me out when it first started. I remember them putting the oxygen on my face but I don’t recall anyone asking me to count backwards or anythings.

I woke up and needed to pee and cough and I hurt – and I said all those things and wanted to roll over on my side and they kept saying “no, it’s ok, just stay still” and the feeling that I wanted to pee was apparently the catheter. Then nothing.

Then I was awakened by a BEEP, BEEP, BEEP and I looking around and was in a new room and someone said I was in the recovery room and I tried to go back to sleep and then BEEP, BEEP, BEEP and again and again… apparently I wasn’t getting enough oxygen and the beeping was to get me to breathe deeper – I made an audible complaint that that was pretty rude thing to do after all I’d been through all I wanted to do was sleep – she laughed at me.

It wasn’t long before they rolled me back up to my room – 12:30 I was in my own bed. I would fall asleep and they’d come to take vitals or to change my IV or to annoy me. There is very little sleep to be had in the hospital bed – I felt sorry for my roommate.

They had given me a urinal to pee in while I was in the bed, but nothing I could do would allow urine to flow into that thing in a bed – I tried and tried and tried and nothing. So I got them to let me walk to the bathroom and then there was joyful release! Being hooked up to the IV machine made it difficult to go to the bathroom solo – and I’d press the button for help and they’d say they’d be right there and I’d wait and wait and wait… honestly, Gary Jim and Ana were there during a few of these encounters and actually went off to find someone to help me. Pushing the button was a pointless endeavor the longer I was there the more I realized that. I was really surprised the bathroom didn’t have any grab bars.

I spent most of the day in and out of consciousness that really coordinated with the pain meds. They wanted me to walk and pass gas so I walked as soon as I could. The passing gas didn’t happen until right before I went home but it did happen – I’ve since pooed too if you were wondering.

I arrived home last night, Gary came to get me and went to get me medications too. Mouse was happy to see me but not sure why I didn’t pick her up for a hug or play our nightly game. Gary sent me this email while I was still in the hospital:

“Mouser and I were talking. I told her you were in the hospital to have surgery and she said that she was in the hospital twice for surgery but no one came to visit her. She said that when you come home that I should put one of those hoods (he’s referring to the cone of shame) on you like you made her wear and handcuff you so you cannot touch yourself.”

Standing up, getting up, sitting down all those things currently hurt a little bit. I can sit here and type and have basically no pain at all. Oh and coughing hurts a little too. I have three little bandages on my belly and they shave most of that area, but not all of it so it looks like half of my belly is dirty and it’s going to really itch soon I know it!

I don’t know if it would have taken less time to just take a cab to WHC when I first got to HUH or not but I think if I ever end up in a similar situation I would go to WHC first.

There was an outpouring of love and comments and text from friends and family that I truly appreciated – but all of you that kept wanting me to keep you updated with calls or text used up my phone battery that much sooner – thanks! lol

January 10, 2013
Gratitude – I've Succumb to Peer Pressure

There’s a lot of this gratitude stuff going around, it happens every year at this time. It can get quite sickening after a while (yes, yes, we’ve reached that point), especially when people are posting a “gratitude” of the day post on Facebook. Talk about making a guy want to vomit – at least it helps to maintain the waistline each time I do. I do actually have a lot to complain about – see previous blogs – but I’ll take a little time here to tell you the people, places and things I am grateful for.

First, I’m extremely lucky to have a family that is beyond amazing. You may think your family is the cats meow, but let me be the first to tell you how wrong you are. My family is quite big, mostly because I keep adding special people to it, why on earth would you keep those people that mean so much out of your family circle – yeah, I know we’re not supposed to choose our family, but I do anyway.

Blood Relatives: Dawn, Ryan and Amy and I actually spent some time with them this summer. I also saw all three of my nieces (Samantha, Tabatha and Joplin) too.

Amy, me, Dawn and Ryan

We really don’t look much different to my eyes than we did 30 years ago – maybe a few more tattoos or piercings and less hair for me, but I’ll always see us as we were on a Wisconsin summer day, in shorts, running around on Elm St without a care in the world.

My Foster Family: Ma, Pa (miss you Pa), Kenny (and Sheila), Rhonda (and Greg) Michael (and Michelle), Jeremiah, Cory (and Danielle) and my two great-nephews Charlie and Patrick. I spent a few days at home this summer and really had a nice time. It’s great to go home and deal with all the chaos that is the Trempealeau County Fair Demolition Derby…

newborn Patrick, Danielle and Charlie

Charlie – all ready to go

some people (I wont mention names) yell at me when I post photos of them online – so I wont put up photos of others beside the two great nephews and their Mom. Charlie is one of the smartest kids I’ve ever encountered – and blond so it’s like a genetic flaw. 🙂

Adopted Family Members: Suzanne, Paul and Farley; Pat, Brenda, Helen, Scooter, Sami, Maui and PePe; Gary; Jim, Ana, Lisa and the rest of the DiLuigi clan. Though I only really see Jim and Gary daily all of these folks are close enough to me to be family.

My Boss, my Friend – Jim

Pat and Brenda – sneaking out without Helen

I really have the best job and that I get to work with such a great friend, there’s something to be thankful for.

me and Ana on our road trip

Every Wednesday night (well, sometimes we have to do a different day) I talk to my friend Pat on the phone.

I wish my best friend Suzanne lived closer and this Thanksgiving I’m not spending it with her so it’ll be a sadder holiday than normal. I’m sure she and Paul will have a great celebration together.

Suzanne and Farley – at the beach

Gary, my roommate, my friend

And Farley, of course.

Lisa

Friends: I have all kinds of friends and met some of them for the first time in real life recently – yes, that sounds odd. I went to Winnipeg to meet some friends that I’d played World of Warcraft with for years. That was really cool. I have friends from high school, two of which I’ll spend Thanksgiving with this year. Friends from AA, friends old and new.

Grokus, Noq and Salthair

Folks from regular Sunday Breakfast at Annie's

Health The cholesterol is down, the weight is down – I still hate the gym…. I’m still not a smoker, nor a drinker or a drug user. So life’s ok.

Aren't I adorable?

Mouse my little Princess, she’s a handful and usually doesn’t sleep through the night – which means she needs love and attention at 3 or 4 a.m…. but I still love her.

Birthdays And Birthdays… I’m really incredibly happy that in a few more days I’ll be somewhere warm and sunny… that’ll make all this sappy crap worth it.

I usually come off a a curmudgeon, and I like it that way so don’t expect cheery happy crap from me on a regular basis.

Tina and I did a Spa Day!

Brien and Michelle came to visit

November 22, 2011
I can feel them downstairs…

I can feel them downstairs.

I know they are rifling through the papers on the end table, planting listening devices in the phone and drugging the milk. They are there every night and every night its the same, I pretend I can’t feel them and hear them whispering. The whispers are the worst I can almost make out what their saying and it makes my skin crawl when I get so close to interpreting the words but then realize it’s gobbledygook.

I think the cat knows they’re there too, sometimes she’ll glance sharply over at the stair case, eyes wide sparkling her dangerous green. I wonder if they’ve been here long enough for her to be used to them, perhaps they’ve even pet her when I’m asleep – I know they do other things, but can the cat tolerate them – whatever they are? I hope she’ll be like an early warning system for me, if she jumps off the bed and heads to a hole I may have a chance to defend myself, I might even have a chance to run – if they let me.

Sometimes I awaken from a deep sleep and know one of them is standing over me. I lay perfectly still – if they know I know they are there they would be more likely to hurt me or something – its the something that is the most frightening, trying to figure out what they want with me. After a while when I can hear their heartbeat, almost feel their breath on my face I cannot stand it anymore, sometimes I moan or yawn and very slowly roll over on my side and as much as I want to I don’t breathe a heavy sigh of relief, I just freeze like that. One of two things usually happens, if I’m lucky I just pass out from exhaustion if I’m not I can lie there all night wondering when they’ll leave me alone or if this is the night they take me.

I somehow know they want to take me, I can feel it in my soul a deep need for them to take me with them wherever it is that they go and I know that would be a bad thing for me, the worst thing I’m fairly certain.

I can feel one behind me as I write this. I can’t see his reflection in the screen but I can feel him standing in the doorway and I know he can read all of this. That frightens part of me and relieves the other part – perhaps the fear can end it’s the anticipation and not knowing that are the worst for me. Not knowing what they’re looking for, when they will take me and especially how much it will hurt.

Tonight when I turn off the light and pull the sheet over me I know I’ll hear them again downstairs – a scritch scratch of papers moving here and there, a creak in the floor board and like I heard the other night a foot step or two on the stair.

I can feel them downstairs…

September 1, 2011
Too Long Gone

God I really think I spent too much time in WI recently, Mouse (the cat) would agree with that statement. It’s just really nice to be home in my own bed, with my own shower. *contented sigh*

Even though I had been in WI only three days before (for a funeral) on Friday I found myself flying back again for my summer trip. Let me tell you the cat was not happy when I pulled out the suitcase again so early after I had put it away – I was scowled at the whole time I packed.

Charlie ready for races

I had a rather uneventful flight to Minneapolis on Delta followed by a 2 hour van ride to Eau Claire where Pat and Brenda picked me up and drove me to the Eau Claire airport to pick up a rental car… yes, I know that seems silly. I immediately drove to the local Taco John’s and had three soft shell tacos then called Ma and told her I was on my way to Galesville – she let me know supper would be ready about the time I got there… ooops. I arrived home and everyone was there already: Ma, Rhonda, Ken, Uncle Rick, Sheila, Michael, Cory, Danielle and of course my grand nephew Charlie.

I had a nice weekend at Ma’s that included seeing two old friends from the area that I hadn’t seen in person in over twenty years. I also spent good quality time with everyone at the Trempealeau County Fair Demolition Derby where Michael ran two vehicles in two heats and Cory was there in his capacity of volunteer fireman. Luckily it had cooled off for the demos as it had been pretty hot during the day Saturday.

Here are a couple videos from the Demolition Derbys:

The above is from the Lawn Mower Demos – which was too funny

The above is my nephew Michael in the 85 truck at the Demos

My Nephew Cory the Fireman

As redneck and hick as it seems, I actually enjoyed myself at the demos… don’t tell anyone.

Tuesday I left Ma’s and spent most of the day with Dawn, Ryan and Amy at Amy’s house. We ate, played games, reminisced and generally had a good time. That night I drove Ryan to Eau Claire before checking into my hotel for the night.

Wednesday the highlight of the day was seeing Captain America with Pat. We both really liked it especially after the credits. I think it was the best superhero movie of the year even though it was the least appealing to me in the previews.

Thursday included a Big Book meeting thankfully… I needed that.

Friday was the first day of the Chippewa Valley Roundup and we heard a good speaker from Anchorage Alaska who kept us entertained while he shared his experience strength and hope. It was also great to see all the Eau Claire Pacific Group folks that I don’t usually get to see too often.

Saturday I spent the morning with my friend Tina at the spa, each of us received wonderful treatments and then we went off to lunch. Spending time with Tina is always nice, she helps me keep things in perspective. That night we were off to the Round Up again for another speaker and more fellowship. We were also shown a skit before the speaker that was based on CSI that had a few of my friends in it – rather funny stuff.

Sunday was there before you knew it and we (Pat, Brenda and I) had breakfast with Sammantha before they drove me to the airport and bid me adieu. I arrived there so early that I managed to get a pedicure in the new mini spa that opened up there… that was nice.

Arriving home on Sunday night was nice…. Home, really happy to be there.

August 2, 2011
Still Confused After All These Days

Last night I dreamed that he wrote a long email to his friends and cc’d me to let them know the reason he decided to call it off was because I didn’t have good earning potential and that he really didn’t like cats after all. Seeing as how I’m not really sure what his reasons were these reasons seems about as sane as any other.

I’ve been asked over and over again if there were any clues to this coming, what happened, and what happens now. It’s been suggested to me that I help clear up some of that so folks will have a better grasp of everything.

He arrived on Saturday and I really didn’t have a clue that anything was really wrong until Tuesday. In fact I would say Monday was one of the best days ever and he had expressed having a really great day as well. We had dinner with two friends on Monday night and after those two friends knew we were deep in love – so did I.

I had printed out a DC marriage license and suggested that he fill it out as he has better hand writing – and I found it odd that it sat there from Saturday until he left. That was the only big thing that should have given me warning that something was up.

We didn’t argue about anything major, nothing that’ll really knock your socks off… some of it had to do with Dancing with the Stars, Glee, Cleanliness, neatness, vacations, and the definition of a relationship. He seemed to think that I needed to watch all the TV shows that he watched, and do all the things that he wanted to do.Part of his vacation plans each year are one week in NYC and one week in San Francisco, and I suggested that we might need separate vacations – not just because I’m not a fan of San Francisco – as I would only have 2 weeks of vacation a year at a new job (hopefully) and I’d like to enjoy that time. This was apparently the last straw for him.

It seemed to me like he wanted me to like all the things he liked and do all the things he did. I told him that wasn’t reasonable and that a marriage wasn’t about me just fitting into his mold, but us making new molds together. His argument was that if we were together I should have a good time regardless of what it was – my retort was that if I took him to the dentist I’d still not have a good time. He just stared at me like I was speaking in tongues.

Full disclosure here – he had expressed interest, when we planned this trip here, to go see the monuments. I was very clear that this wasn’t something I had any interest in doing. I’ve toured the monuments every time a friend or family member has come to visit and they really don’t do a thing for me – He’s been to DC several times and had seen them before. I suggested that he do this while I was at work, but he was adamant about it and I finally gave in and went with him. I was NOT over-joyed, but was a good tour guide, I pointed things out he might not have known about (the FDR and it turns out he hadn’t ever been) and talked about the cherry tree’s and we got to see the MLK Monument construction. I only complained during this tour after what had to be the 25th photo of the Washington Monument. As we left the Jefferson Memorial I reminded him that he wanted to see Dorothy’s Shoes – and he said it wasn’t important, so we headed home as we had a play to see that evening.

At this point I really don’t think anything is wrong, the previous night we had a minor tiff and both apologized to one another and slept like normal people. But he’s apparently been holding on to somethings (including not seeing Dorothy’s Shoes, having to vacation in Maui with me for my birthday…) which he’s about to bring up. So we had the same argument again basically and then walked in virtual silence to the play. I really couldn’t tell you if the play was good, it might have been had he and I been talking to one another.

On the walk home he finally started to talk to me and said he didn’t know what to say. So I opted to talk and it went something like this:

“I don’t want to hurt your feelings or anything but I think I have to tell you something.” me

“I completely agree” him

“You don’t even know what I was going to say” I say and look at him, I can kind of tell what’s coming but can’t really believe it. “I think you should go to New York yourself this weekend and figure out what you really want.”

“I don’t want to marry you.” he says

We’re still in the street on the way to the house and it’s like I’ve been slapped in the face… but I say: “Ok”

When we get to the house I tell him to sleep upstairs and I’ll sleep on the couch. I text my best friends to let them know what’s happening and try to get some sleep.

(it’s Thursday) In the morning I heard him finish packing and I offered to print his Amtrak ticket info for Friday, he said “that would be nice” and I did so.

When I cam down stairs and handed him his Amtrak info he looked at me and said:

“Please don’t stay in touch, I’m not at all interested.”

…

Really, that’s how it happened – I’m really flabbergasted. I’ve cried quite a bit, I’ve had hours of lying in my bed trying to sleep and entirely to many hours thinking and replaying the whole thing. I keep wondering what I really did wrong or what the truth is, as none of this seems plausible at all. Several people have pointed out that it’s better we discover this now instead of waiting until I was fully immersed in TX.

How am I doing? Well, I’m still pretty screwed up about the whole thing. I’m really tired of all the phone calls and texts from friends, yes I know they do it because they love me and they know it annoys me so I know that brings them joy. 😛

I’ll get through this and move on to better and brighter things and maybe some day I’ll discover what really happened here… but apparently not today.

April 26, 2011
Squeamish

Many years ago my mother was in the ICU after having surgery and us kids got to go in and visit her. Almost immediately upon seeing her with all those tubes in her and looking rather ragged I felt faint. I wanted to grab on to something to hold on and then there were nurses all around me asking if I was ok, I had no idea if I was ok or not I just really needed to get out of there.

In 1995 after I sobered up, my best friend Suzanne went off and got a brain tumor. I’m almost certain that exercise is the cause. So being a good friend I was there when she checked into the hospital with her husband, parents and another friend. As the doctor described the procedure in detail (“we will be entering your brain by placing an instrument under your lip and it has a little clasp…” or some disgusting thing) to Suzanne and family I had to excuse myself and soon was in the bathroom where I fell over. Suzanne was worried about me – they weren’t doing anything to my brain, I’m just squeamish.

Then in 2004 while working at Children’s Hospital in DC (yes, I know – a hospital what was I thinking. But I’m a computer guy, not a person that had to deal with the icky stuff) a patient that loved me (who doesn’t?) was in the hospital having surgery and I had to be there for the little guy. That was hard, I not only was there for pre-surgery but then visited him in his room for several days after.

So, you’d think with all this experience that it would get better or that eventually this silliness would just go away entirely, but last night I picked up my cat from the vet. She had a mass removed from her right shoulder and is all stitched up now. Sure enough every time I see it I’d like to pass out. She’s a trooper, not really happy to be wearing a cone on her head but not crying, I’m the weak one.

I’m not entirely sure where these things come from, maybe I’m just designed to be this way. When I was very young I did have surgery on my eye. I don’t recall many things about that but my Mother had said that I was very good until they tried to take me home and I threw up. All I remember from that time is when the medical folks were talking to me about the anesthesia and the mask they were going to put on my face, but I don’t remember wanting to faint the whole time I was there.

Anyway, I hope Mouse gets better quickly and I really hope none of my close friends or family end up in the hospital… it’s hard for me to visit.

March 3, 2011
Aloha and Mahalo AAC Inc

So for the company trip this year we headed off to Maui for 8 days of relaxation, fun and sun. Ana had mentioned Hawaii so I worked on Jim for a few months before he agreed, then I had to work on him to get him to agree to bring Vera. He did thank me right before we left – he knows how much work Vera does for us.

I booked the whole trip Expedia and we did it on the phone with an agent who made several promises that were not kept in the end. Also the day after the trip was booked I received an email that said one leg of our flight was canceled – this happened several times between when we booked and when we left. Calls and emails to Expedia for assistance were all roads to no where.

Our connections in the lodging industry got us room upgrades (ocean views) and free breakfast. We stayed at the Fairmont Kea Lani which was so lovely and just about perfect. Our rooms were great and we all had an ocean view. I highly recommend this hotel to anyone that might be staying in Maui. I loved the pool and even had a spa treatment.

On Friday we left BWI for ATL at 9:55 a.m. on Delta (Delta was great the whole trip) and spent almost two hours in ATL, hooking up with Lisa and Rankine there for the next leg. The flight from ATL to LAX was relatively painless, I watched G.I. Joe on the little screen in front of me (horrible movie) for $6. And most of us participated in a trivia game that was also on the monitors. In LAX we had a short layover before getting on the plan to OGG (Maui). On the leg to OGG we had great flight attendants, I shook my head no at the free peanuts and cookie but the attendant insisted, telling me they had exceeded their trash quota for the month and I had to be responsible. And there was an lady that came to a group of us and had us do art work which was great she was entertaining.

We landed in Maui at 8:40 p.m. local time which was about 1:40 home time and we were all pretty tired. The directions to the hotel were not really great and it’s REALLY dark on the road to the hotel so it was hard to see the map in the car and figure out street signs. Gary and I headed up the wrong road for a while before I remembered the GPS on my Blackberry and figured out we were heading in the wrong direction. Even though we got a little off track we were still the “First Team to Arrive”.

I didn’t sleep well the first night, I was awake several different times during the night for no reason and finally at 5 just woke up and started the day. It was nice to have free breakfast and the coffee in the room helped me. Each room had a balcony and I watched the light come into the day from it all but one of the mornings, it was rather spiritual for me. I read my daily meditations out there. [Meanwhile back in DC, Mouse had been scared to death when Mark A stopped by to feed her – it was then that she realized Daddy wasn’t coming home that night – *scratch, scratch, scratch on the pole*]

Saturday after spending some time at the pool and in the sun Gary and I headed off to Lahaina where he got to see the Sugar Cane Train (he likes trains) come into a station and turn around. We then headed back to the hotel. I got a facial at the Spa. We had dinner at Carl Jr.s… well we don’t have one of those in DC and an early night, I think I was asleep by 9:00 I think. [Meanwhile back in DC: Mouse had been almost all alone for two whole days except for that stranger Mark who she didn’t want to get to know *meow, meow, meow* {translation: woe is me}]

Sunday morning after breakfast Gary went to church at an open air place near out hotel. When he returned he and I decided to go out to the Road to Hana. I got sick on the Road to Hana, two hours each way of winding, twisty roads, really not my cup of tea my stomach didn’t agree. Jim wanted to invite me to dinner but that was the last thing on my mind. [Meanwhile back in DC: Mouse is hoping her Daddy gets sick and can’t enjoy himself]

Monday Gary and I had intended to go up to the top of the volcano but I was reluctant to go to any twisty, turny roads and declined the invitation. Gary did go up the mountain and did some exploring on hs own. It was Gary’s birthday so we had dinner at an Italian restaurant. It was nice. I told everyone that it was his birthday, much to his dismay, so at breakfast he got a cake, at the restaurant and even the ladies who came to do the turn down said happy birthday to him. He made like he wasn’t happy about it but I saw the smile. [Meanwhile back in DC – Mouse came out of hiding to let Mark pet her *purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*]

Tuesday afternoon 4 of us took off in the early afternoon to go Ziplining it was so fun and everyone had a great time. Piiholo Ranch Zipline, great team, very safe, very good. There were two other sets of people in our group and one couple got stuck out in the middle of one of the ziplines and was stuck out there for about 20 minutes. Glad it wasn’t us. I would love to do it again and again and again. I managed to get a video of me zipping on the last line and soon I’ll figure out how to upload that here. Tuesday night Gary, Ana and I had dinner together at the Fish restaurant at the hotel and I went out on a limb and ate fish. Not something I would do willingly. [Meanwhile back in DC – Mouse took advantage of the solitude, finally realizing that her Uncle Gary couldn’t come give her attention and disturb her nap *zzzzzzzzzz*]

Wednesday I took Gary to the airport as he went off island but technically stayed on Maui, he went to the island of Molokai which is part of Maui. Jim and Ana drove me to Kihei for an AA meeting and then we had dinner at the Pupu Lounge, it was ok. The meeting started and the chair said: this is a speaker meeting. Well apparently Speaker meeting is code for topic/bad day meeting in Maui as that’s what it was. After the lead he picked me to share which I didn’t appreciate – not being familiar with the format of the meeting I felt off kilter but as the topic was “spiritual tools” I talked about how close I felt to my higher power in the morning watching the light join the day. It was mostly downhill from there. [Meanwhile back in DC – Mouse started to eat more and more to ease the sense of loss – *Mmmmmeeeeeeeoooooowwwww*]

Thursday was mostly a day of sitting by the pool and swimming in it until the afternoon when Jim and I went to pick up Gary at the airport. That evening was the only “required event” for the travelers, we all met at Outback for dinner. The company, toasts, laughter and fellowship was wonderful, the service not so much. Several orders were messed up. But we still had a great time. Afterward we went to Dairy Queen for dessert (I got to pick and I love me a Banana Split Blizzard. [Meanwhile back in DC – Mouse wished her Uncle Gary would come and wake her up from her nap]

Friday morning at 6:00 a.m. we left the hotel to go snorkeling. *Yawn* We followed a GPS device that didn’t recognize a new road so we were almost late. We left on the boat and headed to the first of two snorkeling areas. The water was cold but the wetsuit top helped to make it seem less so. It was rather choppy (to me) out there and this was my first time and wasn’t really enjoyable for me. I chose not to participate in the second spot and didn’t get to see the turtles but I understand they were very cool and they say the water was less choppy. [Meanwhile back in DC – Mouse wonders if they will ever come home]. The rest of the day I didn’t do much, I ordered room service and watched a movie on the TV (Transformers 2 – not worth it). [Meanwhile back in DC – Mouse considers trusting this Mark person more and maybe that Robert person who’s been here too]

Saturday, our last day in Maui, I decided to spend most of the day by the pool and did exactly that. I ordered a burger for lunch at the pool and just took it easy. We packed and headed home around 6:00. [Meanwhile back in DC – Mouse came out of hiding for Mark and Robert and was sociable.]

It was a long, long trip back and I don’t think anyone slept well. We left Maui at 9:00 p.m. and arrived at BWI at 4:15 or so. Mouse was very loud, talkative and happy to see both of us. She wouldn’t stop purring and that night while I attempted to sleep she was, as expected, very needy.

It was a great vacation. I’m very tan. I highly recommend that if you’ve never been to Hawaii you go at least once, it’s certainly worth it.

November 25, 2009
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP_RSTUVWXYZ

On this day, Q, my baby boy, my pretty kitty – has been put to sleep.

On July 13th, 1999 my friend Krista and I had lunch to celebrate her 10 year sobriety birthday in Rockville somewhere and afterward we stopped at the PetSmart, which is where I first saw Q. Q and his brother, another black cat, were in a cage together at the PetSmart. As soon as I approached, Q stood up and started purring and rubbing his nose and body up against my fingers and the cage… he was so adorable. His brother just sat there, he maybe looked up and found nothing of interest and went back to sleep. Well I really wanted to take the little guy home, but I wasn’t sure Gary would be up for it… so I didn’t. I was prepared at home already, I had purchased litter, a litter box and scoop in anticipation of getting a cat, but I really didn’t think Gary would say yes.

That evening when I arrived home I told Gary I almost brought home a cat, and he asked why I didn’t… so then I was pretty upset, someone was bound to take that cat, he was so lovable and needy. The next day after work Krista and I returned to the PetSmart, intent on finding the perfect cat for me. We were both very shocked to see Q and his brother still there.

I filled out all the paperwork, listened to all the advice from the PetSmart experts and loaded Q into the cardboard Garfield and Odie inspired cat carrier and Krista dropped me off at the Metro. He was relatively quiet on the Metro and I was soon exiting the Metro on the escalator up on Q Street NW and that’s where he got his name. His full name Q Ten Appel, Q for the street he came home on, Ten as it was Krista’s 10th Sobriety Birthday and Appel for me… or QT for short.

That night Q was pretty scared, he wouldn’t come out from under my bed and so I just left him alone. I would get down on the floor and look at him, trying to coax him out but he wasn’t interested, it was safe, dark and warm under there and that was all he needed. I had, when he first arrived, shown him to the litter box and the food, neither of which piqued his interest at the time – but that night I awoke to the sound of him peeing on my bed… poor little guy, I thought, I showed him to the box and tried to talk to him about how important it was to go there and woke up long enough to put my comforter cover in the laundry.

Q knew his name, and in the summer I would start to call his name while walking up the hill to the house. He would always run to the window and sit in the sill waiting for me to arrive, meowing the whole time. When I’d get tot he door he would run up purring away and giving me a kiss by rubbing his snout up against the side of my glasses, each time he did this I would say: “Good Boy Kisses” and eventually he learned that when I said that I wanted a kiss, which he would then proceed to do.

At night when I would prepare for bed, Q wanted nothing to do with me, but as soon as I switched off the light after reading a few chapters he would be on the bed and lying next to me, he had to be touching me somehow and then he would start to purr up a storm.

When the alarm would go off in the morning he would expect me to lie down next to him and give him attention, even me going to the bathroom was frowned upon, as he was the important thing here and I’d better realize it pretty soon.

He was my baby boy, I loved him very very much.

I brought him home a sister a year or so after he had been with me, I assumed he was lonely. This was not very well accepted for the first few months, but eventually Q and his sister, Mouse, grew to love one another and grew inseparable – he knew, however, that he was top dog.

Q was not at home only twice that I can remember, once Gary and I were going to be in Las Vegas for a few days and he stayed with Gary’s parents; and once he stayed at a co-workers (Diana) house. When he was at Gary’s parents he was very happy about having a basement to explore, but when he and Mouse were at Diana’s they didn’t leave from underneath her couch unless she was in her room sleeping. Q was never much of a social cat, he didn’t want anything to do with any humans except Gary and I and if anyone knocked on the door he would bolt out of the room he was in, into the safety of under a bed somewhere.

In Chesapeake, where Q, Mouse and I lived for under a year, Q was found to be pooping in my bedroom closet, no explanation and I scolded him for it and tried to keep that door closed.

Back in DC we found piles of poop in secluded places in the house where Q had gone for some reason, but other days for weeks and sometimes months at a time he would go in the box like Mouse. Nothing changed, no difference in litter, food, routines… but occasionally you would see him run out of the box like he was in pain and soon after you’d find a pile of crap somewhere that it shouldn’t be.

In December of 2007 Gary and I went on a cruise and my friends Mark and Robert stopped in every day to take care of the cats. Robert knew one of them wasn’t using the box, but assumed he or she was just not going. When Gary and I returned from the cruise we discovered 5 different spots where Q had gone to the bathroom on Gary’s bed, that’ll teach him for taking me away for a week.

It had continued to get worse and one morning I rolled over in my bed and there next to my pillow where Q would normally sleep was a small turd.

I spent $350 on an Xray, changed litter, changed food… nothing was helping. He was miserable when this was happening, I was pissed and things were getting destroyed… so I had to make a decision, that decision was to put him to sleep. I didn’t make the decision lightly, I thought very carefully about my options and the cost associated with this issue.

So, this morning Gary and I drove out to 1201 NY Ave and handed Q over to the Humane Society. They said they would put him to sleep and I did not want to be present for that. I kissed him one last time on the forehead, gave him a very big hug and walked out the door. Then I cried.

Now here I sit at home and I know it will be hard for a while. I imagine Mouse will be very lonely, but I will do my best to keep her occupied and happy.

Goodbye Q, I’ll always hold you in my heart and I miss you already.

February 20, 2009
Never Quite What I Expected

This was quite possibly the oddest year I’ve ever had. I started out the year surrounded by a host of friends supporting me during a small crisis and ended up the year with a host of friends surrounding me during a major crisis. I’ve been very fortunate to have such good friends, family and mentors in my life… and this year it paid off.

First, the list of Favorite Things of 2008
Movie: The Dark Knight (Heath Ledger was spectacular and it was a great comic book story)
Album: Evolver (John Legend) – if you buy any album this year, buy this one
Video Game: World of Warcraft – Wrath of the Litch King (I am getting a bit bored with the game, it’s been my favorite for 4 or 5 years now)
TV Show: CSI – lots of changes over at CSI this year, not sure if I’ll like it after all the changes are done but I’m trying to remain open minded.
Airline: Northwest/Delta – the way they helped me in November was just beyond what I expected – Kudos to them
Coffee Pot: I got a new one, Cuisinart and it’s the best.. I bought one for Lisa it’s that good
Gadget: Kindle – electronic books I love this thing and I have a ton of books on it.
Web page: Facebook – dang this thing is addicting and fun

As per usual, every Sunday morning if we are in DC – Mark, Robert and i have breakfast somewhere before our Sunday meeting. Annie’s changed their menu this fall so we are currently looking for a new place to eat – we may have found one after much searching.

I started out the year following up on quitting my job, I had made the decision to quit back in November of 07, and events that happened in December just made me want to hurry out that much sooner. I gave notice, a months notice and told them I’d be happy to help them out for a while until my replacement was settled in. Then I was fired the following week (yes Gary fired). They locked me out of my work station and wiped my Blackberry clean. I was resentful for a while, but most of it got out in my blog and I felt better.

Jim DiLuigi (who was also fired, but in December) and I wasted no time, but started up Access-Ability Consultants, Inc and have been working steadily since. Its a nice arrangement and we have a lot of fun. This year we made a profit, so that’s a very good thing. We have lots of very busy days and lots of days where we have time for Charlie to send jokes or to find cheap things for Jim to buy at Heartland America. Jim is the Treasurer for Historic Takoma which provides plenty of work for both of us, but doesn’t actually pay the bills 😉

One of the nicer things about working with Jim is his family. As a result of the new company I’ve been fortunate to get to know some very special people better than I had a chance to know them before: Ana Maria, Lisa (and Rankine), David (and Regina), Mark (and Kate) and Jim’s Mom and brother as well. I will let you know that it got a little tense during some of the political circus this year as the DiLuigi family are not all the same political party… it was fun to see some of the back and forth banter.

I’ve tried dating this year, been on several dates with several men … yes, JUST dates. There have been some promising candidates, but I’m not going to settle for less than I deserve, why would I want to. I’m still looking and its been a lot of fun. wish me luck.

The cats (Q and Mouse) are fine, though Q has some kind of psychological disorder – or i assume so cause the Xrays found nothing ($338 later) to tell why he wont poop in the box.

This was a high school year, not just the faux high school reunion, I also spent time with Eric and Kelly here in DC, and then Eric and I had a great weekend at the Renaissance Fair and Baltimore this fall. Ted, Eric, Rick, Jeff, Tim… hell a ton of folks are on Facebook, so I know what’s going on in their daily lives.

I took several trips this year.

In April Suzanne and I spent a weekend in NY (NJ and NY really) and besides someone breaking into her car (they didn’t steal anything, and the Ipod I had bought her for Christmas was in the Jeep – we think they were looking for the GPS) we had a great time. I saw my first play on Broadway – Young Frankenstein. I heard alot about Paul (Suzanne’s fiance) this weekend, but I didn’t get a chance to meet him until December. Suzanne’s dog Destiny had been very old at this point and Suzanne had her put to sleep, it was sad.

In May I took a trip for my AA birthday (14) I went to Ft Lauderdale, but didn’t have quite as much fun as I normally do (read what you want into that).

In June I took my first trip to Wisconsin for Scooters going away party. He graduated high school and took off for basic training. It’s always nice to spend time with Pat and Brenda and I, of course drove down to see Ma, Pa and Rhonda in Galesville and also visited Jim’s daughter in Nashville – that was very enjoyable it was nice to spend time with Lisa, her husband Rankine and their dogs Daisy and Buddy. so of course I missed gay pride in DC again… nothing new there.

In July I took another trip to WI, this time for my pseudo 20 year reunion. Just a few of us decided to meet up and reminisce. It was a trip to see Rosy, Ted, Eric and Jen again. I hope we do it often. It was very nice and I stayed at Ma and Pa’s for 4 days I think. I got back and the next night went to see George Michael perform at the Verizon Center with Mark and Robert – I don’t much care for concerts so that’ll likely be my last one.

In August, Pat, Brenda and Anna (Scooters girlfriend) came to DC to visit Scooter after Basic and then make me play tour guide… they had fun torturing me. In August a friend, John Dunn, died, it was sudden, unexpected and sad. He was one of the nicest people I ever met here in DC, he was mourned by many across the area.

In October Jim and I finalized plans to take a trip to Cancun in November, I invited my good friend Brenda to go with me and then gave her a hard time every other day. One day I called and told her that the passport number she gave me was listed as invalid… she turned the car around and headed home… then I told her I was fibbin… she swore then. lol

So of course the day my Pa died in November (15th) I called her as she was about to board the commuter plane to come to DC for the trip to Cancun and at first she didn’t believe me … don’t cry wolf.

My Pa dying was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to live through. I cried like I had never cried before and I still miss him. I hope that I will always miss him. I get teary and sad off an on since I found out. I don’t really want to talk about it here… again… I miss my Pa. I am trying to be a better son, trying to be a better brother by staying more in touch with Ma and Rhonda… and as a result I’m trying to be a healthier person also. I had so much support from friends when this happened, and I am so very grateful that they were there and I hope I can be there for them if a similar situation occurs.

In December I spent 5 days for my birthday in San Diego, exploring, playing tourist and relaxing. It was the most beautiful city I’ve ever seen. I can’t wait to go back.

The weekend before Christmas I went to Suzanne’s, met her fiance Paul and her new dog Farley. We had a lovely visit.

That was my year, it went by entirely too fast, but overall it was a good year. The people (salads and dogs) that have moved on this year made me into the person I am today – which is a good thing.

If you want to know full on details about anything that was written above, try looking at my blog: http://mrjamezq.blogspot.com almost everything that happened this year to me was documented.

I hope you all have a lovely year and I hope that I may get to share just a tiny fraction of yours with you.

love

jamez

December 31, 2008