Sometimes Depression Has Me

I have depression. Or sometimes I think depression has me.

There was a snafu with my medications getting refilled and I’m now on day four of no medications that treat my depression. Boy oh boy a rollercoaster ride for sure.

The good news is my medications are on their way and I might be what I consider normal within a few days. My doctor for this is, of course, on vacation so another doctor stepped in to help get my stuff filled.

I can’t sleep, super tired, can’t manage to get to sleep. One of my medications helped me sleep actually and now without it I’m struggling. When you don’t sleep there are direct results that include mind fog, irritability and of course exhaustion.

Yesterday afterwork I just started crying for no reason, bawling like a baby. Couldn’t stop, nor focus on what was making me cry just was crying. I hate crying.

I’m also in general irritable, grumpy and sad.

Looking at it I wasn’t aware that the depression, like alcoholism, still stays where you left it. It is in the same powerful state it was when I started my medication journey some twelve years ago. Without the drugs to keep it at bay it will rear its ugly head and take over my brain.

My depression comes with dark thoughts, suicidal thoughts and wanting to surrender to whatever it is. It’s very uncomfortable and I don’t like it, but then I start to relate to it and want to get comfortable there. It’s wild. I’m not at my darkest yet, I fear that’s coming.

I have taken action and reached out not just to my doctors and the medical team that take care of my mental needs but also to friends. I’m trying to stay positive and keep reminding myself that this is temporary, even if it seems like a long time.

At the suggestion of ChatGPT I texted 988, the depression/suicidal hotline number available to anyone. Chatted with a rep for a good while and found it was beneficial.

Depression is a trap and it can grow comfortable and make you not want to leave. I have been in much worse spots than this and can get out of this one too. I just need to keep reminding myself it’s just a little longer.

Today, I will do my best, which includes helping other people in an attempt to stay out of my own head, similar to what I’d do in Alcoholics Anonymous if I were close to a drink. Tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities and hopefully medications.