Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Tag: nsfw

  • Verifying the Differences

    I’ve chatted a little bit about being on a medication recently for my depression. I’ve always had a depression of some sort, the intensity varied in waves that I was able to navigate through. Until this last fall when it was as if a tidal wave struck me down and the undercurrent was helping me to drown. (Read here: Lost) . This post may be NSFW.

    At the direction of my primary doctor I started to take an anti-depressant in late December (he actually suggested I take it in October, I asked him for the script in early December and finally took one at the end of the year). This happened for a few reasons:

    • I assumed it would go away like all the times before
    • that sense of impending doom that nothing can make it better, a little pill can’t possibly help
    • fear that it would change me
    • fear that it wouldn’t change me
    • fear of ostracization from AA friends
    • and that sense of welcoming the dark feelings, reveling in the comfortable dark

    (more…)

  • Making Room for New Ideas

    I haven’t been writing because there are things I want to write about that I can’t post here… and I find that frustrating.

    • I want to write about work, but can’t really, there are people that I work with that read this and we can’t have that. People sometimes take me too seriously and other times not seriously enough. Complaints, ideas, things I like or don’t like
    • I want to write about a volunteer thing I do, but again that’s a confidential thing and I can’t write about it here without violating certain trusts.
    • And one other thing I wanted to write about – a little fiction, but really porn. Can’t really share that here, people are easily offended…

    But the problem is no other stories or ideas were popping into my head, just these three items over and over again. Sadly I can’t get something new to write until I get these out of my head – that’s how it seems to work for me.

    So today I started writing the porn story and it’s much longer than I anticipated, and I’m really enjoying it… lol… well yes, the sexual nature of it, but I’m also really enjoying the story telling part.  It’s an old fantasy of mine involving a barber, but it’s also much more detailed than I think I usually tell of stories… not the sexual parts but the feelings and emotions, scents and textures of the shop. Honestly there were three pages before anyone got naked.

    Usually when I’m telling a story I think – “they’re going to get bored, this has been going on too long” but not with this story, it just seems to be flowing well and kept me wanting to write more.

    But I reached a point tonight where I can’t quite figure out how to get what I want out of it. It’s like the classic cheesy porn – what’s a good reason for the pizza boy to need to take off his shirt, thats kind of where I”m at, trying to figure out a reason and a smooth transition. It’s an interesting conundrum and giving me lots to think about.

    Mostly the writing has freed up my mind and a new story has popped in, that makes me happy as it’s been a few weeks since something new had been rattling around up there. So over this week I’ll maybe make the time to write about the other two things as well and just keep them to myself – that’s a new thing for me and I don’t really like to do it, but they need to go so I can make room for new ideas.

    A day of writing is just what the doctor ordered.