55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer
So, this guy last week told me that his house mate had left a bunch of food from an event and asked if I wanted to come over and eat some of it. I explained that I was a very picky eater, and then pointed out that he was asking me over for leftovers.
Last night, same guy, asked if I would like to go to a Bar-BQ on Memorial Day with him.
Does this seem to anyone else like he’s asking me out? I’m such an online guy that actually being asked out is a foreign concept to me.
This Friday, December 8, 2006; marks two years since I have had sex…. With another person.
Why?
Well, I imagine there are lots of clever, spiritual, or meaningful reasons that I could give — but none of them would be true.
See what happens when I have sex, is I fall in deep lust almost immediately, sad really … I know. And the last time it happened was with Mr. Wright, nice name.. Who I had met in Florida in 2004 and had a fabulous time with. Believe it or not, he and I talked (email and phone) for another year before I finally asked him if it was ever going to go anywhere (he did say no, and I did move on).
At school last year, there was very little that I found worth looking at, let alone pretending to be interested for a quickie. I don’t want to put forth the kind of energy, that I think needs to be put forth, for something that is not going to last. Hey, I’m selfish that way.
Monday night on the metro home, there was a cute guy with an HRC hat giving me the eye, and I was giving him the eye back. Then I got off on my stop, smiled and him, and he smiled back – sounds lovely, I know. Tonight I saw him again, and this time, I saw what appeared to be the wedding band on his finger. So, I’m done playing eye games now, you may be cute, but your taken. If you’re not taken, don’t play with me.
What makes me happy about men, but doesn’t mean I’m going to marry them.. Is the little things. “Hello handsome” – says the doctor or the UPS guy stopping his truck (tonight, I’m not kidding) and saying: “Happy Birthday, I should have told you that earlier today.” he’s cute, but he might be married too. I’m not opposed to eye candy, just stupid games.
Speaking of DJ, the love of my life… he did send an email a while back and said we should hang out… but he’s married, and he’s married to a nice guy and I just can’t do that to him. Part of me might always want DJ, and most of me realizes if I had him I’d have to realize he would never be faithful to me, that’s just the way he is. Would he love me always? Yes, I think he and I have that… but would I be willing to put up with it? I’m not so sure. So I told him that I still loved him, and “hangin out” would be dangerous for us, and he had to realize I still loved him. His response: Always. Now I could read into that and spend time figuring out what that one word means to him and me or to him and his partner … or whatever, ok, maybe I have already a little bit, but it isn’t worth my time. There is a song by Lonestar, Not a Day Goes By, that pretty much sums up DJ: not one day goes by that I don’t think of him… and I don’t masturbate everyday so it’s not all sexual.
At 36 years of age, I do begin to wonder when or if I’ll find him. I wonder what he is, what is it about him that is going to make me realize he’s the one. I refuse to lower my standards though, and its not like I’m looking for a Brad Pitt type … I just keep looking for the one that wants to brush his teeth with me at night, hold my hand when we walk down the street, or even come and meet my parents.
Will I be sexless and loveless for another 365 days? Likely not. I fly to Ft Lauderdale tomorrow, where I’ll:
Meet a nice guy,
Have sex with him
maybe more than once
was that TMI?
Fall head over heels for him
Then come back to DC
Realize it’s not going anywhere
(we’ve seen this can take some time to sink into my head)
Become utterly disappointed in all men
Rinse, lather, repeat… Happy Birthday
It’s cold and I’m tired, hat pulled down low over my eyes I step into the 7-11. I can smell the coffee brewing right away, my destination is just ahead I can almost taste the coffee scalding its way down my throat.
“Hi.” comes a voice, through the fog that is my morning. I glance up and see a handsome man, nice goatee and broad smile, he works here, I see the 7-11 name marks him Ray. “Hi.” I say in return.
Fill up my coffee, two packets of Splenda and three creams, stirring them together till the color is a milky brown; I know it’s still to hot to drink, but God I want to, place one of their lids on and head toward the counter to pay for it.
“I love your shirt.” Ray says, I have to look down, so tired I’m not sure what I’m wearing.
“Oh, yeah this is one of my favorites,” one of my many Superman shirts, this one portrays him on a comic book cover, “I have a tattoo to match.” I say and start to roll up the sleeve of my jacket.
“Your hat too,” he says, I realize I’m also wearing the hat and feel the fool. He probably thinks I’m a dork, “are you a collector? It looks good on you.”
“Thanks.”
“That’ll be $1.53.” he says, still grinning broadly.
I pull two wrinkled one dollar bills out of my wallet and hand them to him, he punches some numbers into the register the drawer pops out and he slides the money into its place.
“People collect stuff, it’s cool. I collect some stuff too…” he says and closes the drawer. Suddenly he realizes my hand is out waiting for my change and his grin disappears, and his face turns crimson. “I’m sorry, can’t believe I did that.” and hands me the 0.47 cents he owes me.
“Thanks, I hope you have a great day.” I smile and start to walk out.
“You too, you too” he says as the door slowly closes.
As I enter the car, I turn one last time… there he is looking at me, that broad grin fresh on his face.
I don’t talk about dates on the site. I don’t talk about individual men I may have met here either. The site is public, it is on my email signature so everyone know about it mostly and I certainly don’t want anyone “playing for the camera” so to speak. Besides, every time I tell my friends about a potential guy he suddenly disappears or is proven to be a psycho.
I don’t feel comfortable talking about AA on the site. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll write a story about ME in AA or one of my personal experiences, but I don’t want to write about what happens in AA meetings today. There is the anonymous part of AA that needs to remain anonymous I guess… Trust me if things get too far out of hand at a meeting I’ll be sure to share at least the frustration.
Have a splendid weekend.
On the radio this morning they said Garth Brooks was releasing a new single. They also said something about an album…
I can’t find this news online, which is very annoying.
