This Friday, December 8, 2006; marks two years since I have had sex…. With another person.
Well, I imagine there are lots of clever, spiritual, or meaningful reasons that I could give — but none of them would be true.
See what happens when I have sex, is I fall in deep lust almost immediately, sad really … I know. And the last time it happened was with Mr. Wright, nice name.. Who I had met in Florida in 2004 and had a fabulous time with. Believe it or not, he and I talked (email and phone) for another year before I finally asked him if it was ever going to go anywhere (he did say no, and I did move on).
At school last year, there was very little that I found worth looking at, let alone pretending to be interested for a quickie. I don’t want to put forth the kind of energy, that I think needs to be put forth, for something that is not going to last. Hey, I’m selfish that way.
Monday night on the metro home, there was a cute guy with an HRC hat giving me the eye, and I was giving him the eye back. Then I got off on my stop, smiled and him, and he smiled back – sounds lovely, I know. Tonight I saw him again, and this time, I saw what appeared to be the wedding band on his finger. So, I’m done playing eye games now, you may be cute, but your taken. If you’re not taken, don’t play with me.
What makes me happy about men, but doesn’t mean I’m going to marry them.. Is the little things. “Hello handsome” – says the doctor or the UPS guy stopping his truck (tonight, I’m not kidding) and saying: “Happy Birthday, I should have told you that earlier today.” he’s cute, but he might be married too. I’m not opposed to eye candy, just stupid games.
Speaking of DJ, the love of my life… he did send an email a while back and said we should hang out… but he’s married, and he’s married to a nice guy and I just can’t do that to him. Part of me might always want DJ, and most of me realizes if I had him I’d have to realize he would never be faithful to me, that’s just the way he is. Would he love me always? Yes, I think he and I have that… but would I be willing to put up with it? I’m not so sure. So I told him that I still loved him, and “hangin out” would be dangerous for us, and he had to realize I still loved him. His response: Always. Now I could read into that and spend time figuring out what that one word means to him and me or to him and his partner … or whatever, ok, maybe I have already a little bit, but it isn’t worth my time. There is a song by Lonestar, Not a Day Goes By, that pretty much sums up DJ: not one day goes by that I don’t think of him… and I don’t masturbate everyday so it’s not all sexual.
At 36 years of age, I do begin to wonder when or if I’ll find him. I wonder what he is, what is it about him that is going to make me realize he’s the one. I refuse to lower my standards though, and its not like I’m looking for a Brad Pitt type … I just keep looking for the one that wants to brush his teeth with me at night, hold my hand when we walk down the street, or even come and meet my parents.
Will I be sexless and loveless for another 365 days? Likely not. I fly to Ft Lauderdale tomorrow, where I’ll:
Meet a nice guy,
Have sex with him
maybe more than once
was that TMI?
Fall head over heels for him
Then come back to DC
Realize it’s not going anywhere
(we’ve seen this can take some time to sink into my head)
Become utterly disappointed in all men
Rinse, lather, repeat… Happy Birthday