Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: alcoholics anonymous

  • Summer Funeral

    So Grandma passed away on Monday the 11th and I flew home on Wednesday before in case the service was Thursday or Friday and stayed for the weekend. I rented a car from the Minneapolis airport and found myself in line behind the Stockholm Sweden girls team – NO I didn’t take pictures, they were just taking a long time, and no I don’t know what sport, just that they were annoyingly slow in my way. I drove from the airport directly to the most important destination – Taco Johns. Partly because I don’t know how to get to my friends house unless I go through Eau Claire and party cause I love Taco John’s tacos. I think I arrived at Pat and Brenda’s about 10:00 Wednesday night.

    Thursday morning both Pat and Brenda had departed for work and I paid attention to their two dogs before going to Taco Johns for an early lunch. After lunch I walked around downtown Eau Claire, taking photos and doing some shopping, then I stopped for an hour and got a new tattoo on my back (much cheaper in Eau Claire than it is in DC) that says “ZEUS”.

    Then I went to JC Penny’s where I briefly pretended to be interested in window dressings so I could visit with my niece Samantha – always great to see the nieces. Then I went off to Macy’s to do a bit of shopping and found a LOVELY woman, Trudy, who was both entertaining and helpful there. Trudy was one day shy of working at that store for twenty years, and was simply amazing – she sized me up just by looking at me and was pulling out shirts, jackets and slacks faster than I could react. Good customer service and a very nice person.

    Then I headed back to Chippewa Falls to get ready before the Big Meeting – real AA, not that watered down stuff I see here in DC. I was called up during the meeting to share some experience strength and hope as were a few others – my friend Nicholas joked that I must have been the token female called up as everyone was a guy that shared. After the meeting a bunch of guys headed to Perkins, I tagged along and had a bite as well – it’s a nice bit of fellowship.

    Friday I had lunch with a new friend, Jimmy, before heading down to Whitehall for the funeral. It rained most of the day and when I left Eau Claire it was coming down pretty hard. Whitehall is my old stomping grounds, where I attended most of my grade school years and several of my drinking years – it’s always nice to go back and visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there again. I found the Baptist Church easily enough – I don’t even remember us having one back when I was a kid, but there it was right in the back yard of a house where my ex-fiance and my biological father once lived (stories for another time).

    I went in the church and soon discovered my sister Dawn, uncle Joey and aunt Ginger and with them some giant of a lad that I was introduced as a cousin – much to young to be that tall. Soon other relatives would arrive: Amy (sister), Becky (cousin), Ryan (brother), Debbie (aunt) and a whole bunch of folks I’m supposed to know but really have no memory of. Before the service we shared a few memories and caught up a bit – Facebook helps with that stuff but it’s nice to get the little details in person.

    The service was short, not a lot of preaching by the preacher, but he was pretty to look at. Then there was an open mike where anyone could get up and share memories of Grandma. My sister Amy led that followed by Dawn – it was nice that they both brought to my mind times I had forgotten, like listening to old radio shows on cassette tapes (Lone Ranger is the only show I can remember off hand, but there were tons of those), making sock puppets, and writing letters to the editor of the local newspaper. There was some bad singing – mostly because church songs are so boring musically add that to tone deaf singers and well disaster. After the service there were sandwiches, crackers, desserts and drinks before we headed to the cemetery where the VFW was waiting to help us put Grandma in the ground – Grandma was a WAVE during the war and after they gave a 21 gun salute and played Taps (I think it’s Taps correct me if I’m wrong) they gave Grandma’s oldest a folded up flag for her service. That was pretty emotional for all parties involved. In the city of Whitehall my phone only had a good signal in the cemetery – weird. Then we all headed back to the church for a bit before dispersing – I led one of my cousins that I don’t really know to the outskirts of Galesville before heading to my Ma’s.

    At Ma’s I got to spend time with her, my sister Rhonda and here husband Greg, my nephews Michael and Cory and Cory’s wife Danielle. And of course Charlie, my incredibly smart, gifted and cute grand nephew. He’s just such a bundle of fun, and at 2 years of age pretty damn smart I’d say. After everyone had left and it was just Ma, Michael and I it was near enough to bed time that I hit the hay and slept until 5:00 or some ungodly hour and struggled to stay asleep but really – once I’m up, I’m up. Saturday Rhonda, Greg and I went out thrift saling in the Holmen/Onalaska area and before we knew it the day had passed us by and we were back home for some pork from the grill, potatoes from the garden and good conversation. Ma’s recuperating from her knee replacement quickly and everyone seems to be eating healthier or at least less than normal.

    Sunday I took Ma to church where I found there was another preacher that was good eye candy. He preached on ACTS and laws of God and man and sticking to the message, whatever that message might be – at least that’s what I heard. At the service was one of my high school English teachers and I thanked her for being one of the teachers that introduced me to what I love. After the service Ma and I went to breakfast before I left for Eau Claire.

    I stopped at the Whitehall Cemetery to visit Pa and see his stone – which was recently put in. I talked to him for a bit and cried a little bit just thinking about him, missing him and wishing he was still here. When I come home I can still see bits and pieces of him around the house and in the whole family. I don’t think there is a day that goes by that we don’t miss him. The stone is beautiful and I wiped off some old grass clippings and straightened up the flowers. I’ll be sure to stop again next time I pass through town. It is kind of weird to see Ma’s name there when she’s still alive, but hopefully we wont fill in the date after the dash for a good long time.

    Once I arrived at Pat and Brenda’s Pat and I decided to hit a movie, Horrible Bosses, which we really liked. Then Samantha came over and the four of us went to dinner and Dairy Queen and then watched Rango at the house. It’s nice to spend time with them – even when they’re more obsessed with the iPad than any human should be. 😉

    Monday I left the Chippewa Valley around 10:30 for the Cities and then flew home, arriving close to 9:00 thanks to a ride from the Boss who also flew back into BWI last night.

    So I’ll be home for a few days before I head back to the Midwest for my scheduled trip on Friday.

  • Silence Your Noise Makers

    At today’s meeting, like at most meetings, the secretary/chairperson/whomever made the announcement for everyone to please silence their cell phones, she did so to her own phone as she was asking all of us to. This has become common place in meetings that I’ve been attending for quite a while now, however when I first came to meetings cell phones weren’t generally found outside of your car, where they were attached by a cord. (Yes, this means I am quite old.) It doesn’t really matter if the phone is silenced, I and others can still hear it when you have it on vibrate and then all the noise you make while you rummage through your purse or back pack trying to see who it is that contacted you. But, don’t worry, I’m sure the person talking wasn’t saying anything important enough for us to be able to hear them.

    Old Princess Phones

    This morning someone’s phone rang during the meeting, it was an actual phone ring tone like the old princess phones used to make before technology came and made those outdated. The woman rummaged through her purse for several minutes, giving us that delightful tone repeatedly 5 times before she got to it – unfortunately she didn’t silence it then and we were subjected to the voicemail notification sound, which was a high-pitched chirp. Experience, strength and hope? nah, thanks, I’m trying to answer the phone. It’s bound to happen, I myself have forgotten to turn off my phone on a few occasions and now double-check more frequently than I used to.

    It’s usually not too bad when this happens, at the same time that this woman’s phone was going off music started to play outside the room, we could feel the deep bass reverberations and it grew increasingly louder – several people went out to see what was going on and the music stopped – for a while – it made an appearance again later.

    What really gets my goat is the folks that are using their phones and gadgets in the room during the meeting. One guy in particular gets several messages on his cell phone during meetings and he just answers them and puts his phone back in its holster, did I mention it makes  a “beep” each time he gets a message, he has it turned down low, but all of us can still hear it. Thank you sir, but perhaps you should talk to your sponsor about the definition of sharing, this isn’t it.

    messaging away

    Two people at today’s meeting were busy reading emails and typing away on their iPhone, one of them had the “click” activated for each letter and we were able to hear that she can type quite fast when she’s using it, I’m sure her boss is happy about that. Thanks for sharing.

    Is it really so much to ask that you pay attention during the meeting instead of using your phone? I called someone out of this a year or so ago, a chronic relapser that was busy typing away into his iPhone right next to me when I was trying to listen to the meeting. I told him after the meeting that he might have more success at staying sober if he put his phone down and listened to the message. He didn’t take it well and a few months later he went out to do some more experimentation.

    Recently a conversation about younger people and their attachment to technology was had by Suzanne and myself, she’s a supervisor and during a recent training session mentioned that young people have a different work ethic than what was instilled in people my age or older. It’s not that they don’t work and get their job done, but they tend to do two things at once that us (and I’m not trying to group us all up into one category) older folks can’t really do as well. This is not an excuse for the sales clerk in Macy’s to be on their cell phone when I’m checking out or for the Burger King worker to be texting instead of helping the customers, but it should help me to come to terms with the changing face of how things work, sometimes even in AA meeting.

    "Big Book" on my iPad

    At a Big Book meeting in San Antonio last year I was getting annoyed at a man who was on his iPad during the meeting, it really started to get to me. Then when he shared his experience he started reading from it and I realized that he had the text on his iPad, I suppose this should have made me less annoyed but it didn’t, I had to come to appreciate it, it doesn’t help that technically speaking what’s on his iPad is not General Service Conference-Approved material. I have it on my iPad also, sometimes it’s nice to be able to look at the Book on the technology that’s available and I hope AA catches up soon.

    Speaking of AA and technology, this afternoon I was able to make my AA birthday contribution via credit card on the web, I LOVE that. If it’s your AA birthday you should check it out at www.aa.org .

  • Getting Away

    It was nice to get away for the weekend, even if only to Virginia Beach. I flew down to spend time with Suzanne and celebrate my 17th AA birthday – even though that was on the last day of the trip. Thursday night we hit a Big Book meeting and some fellowship before at Ruby Tuesday, we had tried to go to a Mexican restaurant but as it was Cinco De Mayo it was impossible. All the Mexican restaurants get busy with white people on that day and we were the unfortunate whiteys. Ruby Tuesday’s while good food, was just one of the oddest restaurant experiences I’ve had. The wait staff thought one of our party ordered a side dish as a main meal, a glass came apart at the table a flooded us with soda, asking for napkins to help clean up the soda was confusing to them… and to top it off they didn’t even give any discounts for the soda/glass disaster.

    At the Thursday night meeting there was fun too – one of the guys present was on fire with AA and the book, he brought some life into the meeting – just a little over five years sober and he was alive with the spirit, great to see. We also had the other spectrum, the new girls who kept chatting during the meeting about this and that and we kept hearing “Cinco De Mayo” they were asked to be quiet and when that happened were insulted – one of them left. Alas, we alcoholics are sensitive creatures and it takes some of us a long time to outgrow that handicap.

    Friday I just sat around and watched cartoons on my iPad and that evening we went to see the movie Thor – which we all liked.

    Saturday I walked around the mall while Suzanne took a final and then taught a fitness class, it was alright. Then she and I went out to eat before hitting another meeting, this one started with a read from the Daily Reflections and was going pretty well when “Part-Time Alcoholic” started to share about why he was different and special and didn’t really belong – several people interrupted him with “Keep Coming Back” (including me) until the lead asked him to stop advising him to find a sponsor who could help him sort out if he belonged there. He left, and then the meeting changed to folks talking about that as other people thought the meeting chased him off – and a few people who are forced to go to the meeting were offended and left… someone chased after them. I was actually alright with it, the “Part Time Alcoholic” is still suffering from his terminal uniqueness and if he’s going to start to learn it should be now.

    Sunday, the morning of my anniversary, Suzanne and I met her husband Paul at the gym for Body Step – at least it’s not too boring. Then Paul and I went to iHop where we had a self-proclaimed “OCD server” who asked us if we were right or left-handed (so he knew which way to turn the cup handles) and if we could place all our trash in a pile at the end of the table so he could collect it…. it was odd, but the food was good. Then we moved a couch from their garage to their living room, one of those sofa sleepers that are stupidly heavy.

    All in all, it was a nice weekend. Suzanne kept asking me what I wanted to do and there really wasn’t anything that I wanted. Which I think she found very frustrating – not much I can do about it. It was nice to be away. Oh… did I mention I got to spend time with Farley, her dog? I’m his favorite uncle. 

  • No Relationships for the First Year… or 16 years

    I will be the first person to point out to you that the “stay out of relationships for the first year” rule in the fellowship is NOT in the book. I’d also be one to argue that it’s none of anyone’s business what you do or don’t do outside of the suggestions in the book. Of course that was before I had any real romantic relationships – and it’s so much easier to balk at rules when you have no real experience. The reason for the rule is based on experience, the people who came before us discovered this the hard way and have tried to save you from experiencing the same pain and regret that they went through.

    Speaking for myself a relationship at year 16 had me very much focused on him and the relationship instead of the usual things (praying, AA, friends, family) and I guess that’s partially ok, but there needs to be some balance in there. Some of my normal routine things; Wednesday night calls to Pat, Suzanne’s AA birthday, praying – just slipped by and though I regretted those instances it helped me to understand the unwritten rule about relationships.

    So when it all started to unravel I guess I wasn’t really prepared and my spiritual footing is not very firm at the moment. Today, after some tears and old tapes playing in my head I actually had a desire to drink. I would like nothing more than to drown the feelings that have taken up residence. That’s honesty for you.

    I did go inside myself and turn that switch off. No tears now, no obsessing, no regretting. We’ve made our choice and one of us is probably happier that way and both of us are probably better off. Very unhealthy way to deal with your feelings, and I really don’t recommend it, but I know that I can survive without that switch on.

    I could take this time to get into what happened in detail and go over ever word six different ways, but I’m a little to close to it to be objectionable about it and he’s never been happy that I would talk about him on my blog.

    I’ve been in touch with my support network, a lot of people are worried about me, I’m not really interested in talking right now (or texting, or emailing or anything like that). But I have the tools available to get through this and I will.

    A lot of people have already purchased airline tickets and reserved rooms. The rooms can be cancelled, usually without cost and the airline tickets will likely be good for one year after the cancellation date – depending on how bad the airlines are screwing people over this week.

    My apologies to those of you that were looking forward to the wedding and were happy that I was not my malcontent self. What’s that saying? Better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all… yep, it was certainly worth it.

  • Grouch and the Brainstorm

    “If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the sudden rage were not for us. Anger is the dubious luxury of normal men, but for us alcoholics it is poison.” – As Bill See’s It, Page 5, (it references the Big Book on page 66, but it’s inaccurate. The Big Book says: “…the grouch and the brainstorm…” which strikes me as funny.).

    I’ve recently seen some “normal men” who have the luxury of holding on to a resentment and boy are they unhappy. I’m not sure it’s a luxury for any of us, who can afford to spend that much energy and time being angry? That anger doesn’t just stay inside it seeps out, is shown in things you do and how you relate to the human race and can’t possibly be healthy for anyone.

    There aren’t any people on my resentment list anymore – but there have been many over the years, and I’m sure I’ll find a few to put on it temporarily until I see how sick I am and spend the energy fixing me.

    In Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 x 12) it says: “It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.  If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about “justifiable” anger? If somebody cheats us, aren’t we entitled to be mad? Can’t we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger out to be left to those better qualified to handle it.” Page 90

    When I first got sober I had a huge (if these types of things can be measured) resentment against my mother and it occupied a lot of space in my mind. Whenever I would think of her I would get mad, my body temperature would heat up, I would relive, refeel, rethink all the supposed wrongs she did to me. I could spend an entire day just being mad at her and she lived over 1000 miles away… spiritual axiom. Something here is wrong with me, and it took me a long time to see it and fix it.

    So how do you do that? How do you take feelings of anger and hatred that you’ve nurtured, watered and cared for over a long period of time and fix you? That’s the rub.

    For me, I did as directed by a sponsor – I prayed. Not just once or twice, but a hundred or more times about that specific issue. I prayed every day for her to get everything she wanted in her life, for her to be fulfilled with love and happiness.

    Hell, I didn’t believe anything I was saying for the first month or more, but eventually what I found when I would think of her was a kind of serenity and peace.

    The grouch and the brainstorm are not for me, probably not a good idea for normal folks either. If you’ve found yourself in a position where you can’t get past a thing that someone did to you, perhaps try prayer… if you’re not the praying type, just try speaking out loud to nothing all… it’s about changing you, not about changing them.

  • Christmas Disease of Perception

    I asked my boss what he wanted for Christmas to which he replied: a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. That’s easy enough.

    Not being a frequenter of liquor stores anymore, I kindly asked my roommate to go into a liquor store and purchase a big bottle of Jack Daniel’s in a gift box. He kindly agreed knowing that I would rather avoid such places unless absolutely necessary (the roommates a normy).

    He came out of the liquor store the other night with a 750 ml bottle… that’s it…

    I told him thank you, of course, but inside my head I was wondering if he really thought this was a big bottle of Jack. Back when I was drinking I wouldn’t have even glanced at a bottle that size for myself let alone someone else. There had to be a gallon size bottle in there somewhere didn’t there. The roommate is oblivious to my dilemma, why would anyone need more than that is what he’s thinking.

    I gave the gift to the boss today and he was appreciative and said it was a very nice bottle, so I looked at him sideways too.  It reminds me of an old friend that used to get very drunk off of just two glasses of alcohol, I suggested he see a doctor… he’s missing out. These are the people who I don’t understand – something is wrong with them.

    However, as the boss and I left the office for his vehicle and I kindly offered to help him with his things, I was fortunate enough to be able to carry the lovely bottle of Jack, and I had a moment where I could recall the taste, the feeling of it burning on its way to my stomach and the long past memories of BOOM… just like that I can remember the wonderful feeling and taste and sensations.

    It takes a few more moments before I can vividly recall the bad things that went along with that bottle and how much I’d lose if I chose that path again. For today, it’s not worth it, for today I’m happy with what I have and where life is going, for today I’m going to keep trudging and not worry about how little whiskey someone else will get to drink. And I can be grateful too that the people around me aren’t like I was and don’t need the gallon bottles of anything to satisfy their undying thirst.

  • Burning Desires

    In AA there is the “custom” and I’m not sure if it’s just here on the East Coast or all over (I don’t recall hearing such things in the Midwest), called Burning Desires. With a few minutes left of the meeting, the lead asks: Are there any burning desires, does anyone feel like if they don’t share they might drink?

    Inevitably, some one will raise their hand and start to talk. Now it’s rare that this person has a real crisis. There was one time when someone used his burning desire time to talk about his upcoming birthday party.

    Truth be told, I hate burning desires. I find that they usually tend to speak so long the meeting does not get done on time. They are usually very insignificant to whomever might have been sharing and a complete and total waste of my time.

  • Thankful

    I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

    I successfully completed one year of school, managed to make the honor roll as well.

    I hit 12 years of sobriety in May (had a final exam on my AA birthday too).

    I moved back to DC, found a few jobs a few friends and finally got a permanent job in Takoma Park.

    I have only the best of friends: Pat, Brenda, Suzanne, Mark, Robert, Donna, Chris, Christy, Zelda, Michael, Mike, Julie, Denise, Phyllis, Jeri… well a lot of friends that mean a lot to me.

    I have not picked up a cigarette this year, though I have been tempted quite a bit.

    My cats, Q and Mouse, are healthy, happy and home.

    So, looking back, its been a great year and I have plenty to be thankful for. I hope you can say the same.

    Don’t forget, it’s not a real holiday unless someone cries.