Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Category: 12 Steps

  • Tuesday Night Big Book Study 7:15 DCC

    Just an upfront disclaimer: this is how I perceive things. You may not perceive things the way that I do. You might be offended or butt hurt at what I’ve had to say, if that’s the case you really shouldn’t be reading my blog…

    When I sobered up I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by Big Book Thumping, Tradition Practicing, Service oriented old-timers. I was told on a few occasions to take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth until I knew what I was talking about – that was usually during a step meeting where they were discussing a step I hadn’t done yet… you know, any of them. From that group, I think it was called the Sunday Serenity Group, I not only got to hear about the Steps and Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous I got to see people actually putting those principles in action in their daily lives. This was my first “Home Group” and I made it there every Sunday night for a year, just like I was told to do. That meeting wasn’t a Big Book Study Group, it was a Step meeting with the last meeting of the month the Tradition of the month. What I did get at that meeting was a sponsor who had been taken through the Steps as laid out in the first 164 pages of our text-book, Alcoholics Anonymous – and he was willing to take me through that same process which gave me the tools I needed to not only find a power greater than myself that would relieve me of my alcoholism, but also provide the tools to be a productive member of society.

    One of my other regular meetings was the 5:30 Monday Night Big Book group, there we went through the book; every week reading a couple of pages out of the Book and then folks could share their experience with what was read – if they had any. This group would get to the end of the 164 and turn around and read it again. The Book, the Steps, the Traditions – were everywhere that I went to meetings. I couldn’t have escaped if I had wanted to.

    I was also a member of the Eau Claire Pacific Group that meets every Thursday night. An open speaker meeting with thirty minutes of call-up before the speaker. Great enthusiasm, lots of service work, experience strength and hope each week from the podium. It’s where I learned to feel comfortable introducing myself to strangers, where I learned to shake new people’s hands and where I learned the importance of suiting up and showing up.

    When I moved to the DC area I tried to find meetings that were similar to what I had gotten sober with. I looked for a good Step Meeting that met regularly, I sought out a Big Book Study and I also hoped to find a regular speaker meeting. I didn’t find things that were like home. This is typical, and something I should have anticipated but did not. In hindsight upon traveling all over the country in the last ten years – every region has its little traditions that are specific to the region and as you may know each group is autonomous except in matter affecting other groups or AA as a whole.

    Every Big Book meeting I encountered was focused more on reading the stories in the back of the book (after Page 164) then they were the meat of the deal.  The directions, the prayers, the actions in the front of the book weren’t read at all – unless it was to read the Promises, How it Works or the end of A Vision for You. Every step meeting I encountered focused more on the steps as laid out in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (the argument here by those with more time than I have is that when Bill wrote the 12×12 he had more experience and knew better what to say for how to stay sober – but I’ve not found in that book anything like the specific direction and suggestions that I find in the Big Book so I nod and smile at them).

    A few months before 9/11 I started a Big Book Meeting using the format I grew up with in WI, but between 9/11 and the honest belief by attendees that AA is about coming to complain about your day – it didn’t last. So I officially gave up trying to find or create meetings that were similar what I had been brought up with. I still went to meetings just to occupy the chair, not much more. If I shared, which was rare, it was because of something I had heard that was just that outrageous that I couldn’t contain my anger or disappointment. That’s not really a good way to share the message – brow beating people who have managed to NOT pick up a drink today or for the last 10 – 20 years is no way to win friends either. So I settled on continuing to read my book, listening to speakers via Round-Ups and Conferences, Podcast or CD of the month clubs – while still attending meetings regularly.

    First Edition Big Book

    Then I met my tattoo artist, who’s been in DC a few years now from Houston, TX (there is a Houston WI or MN just a FYI) who talked to me over long tattoo sessions about his sobriety, the book and the difference in meetings here in DC vs meetings in other parts of the country. He invited me to come to a Saturday meeting he attends where he said was attracting people interested in the book. I honestly just didn’t give it any real consideration – I had given up on meetings here after all. Then a person heard me share at a meeting I regularly attend and he thanked me for sharing and ALSO invited me to that group, so I figured maybe there was something to it – never saw that person again btw.

    That first Saturday Noon meeting I met two or three more people, relatively new to the area who also were brought up on the Big Book and were desperately seeking a solution based meeting. The next week, I met another two people and before you knew it there were six of us that really wanted to start a new meeting that would “study” the book. We started mass texts, long chains of emails, discussed formats, laughed at one another, ate lots of food and became a group – sooner than we’ve become a meeting.

    Our book, our text-book, says in There is a Solution page 29 “Further on , clear-cut directions are given showing how we recovered.” It’s my belief, and the belief of this new group, that people need to be shown these directions. It’s my belief that if they follow the suggestions as written in this book they will be “rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed”

    So on Tuesday nights at 7:15, starting on July 31, 2012 at the Dupont Circle Club we’re going to start reading the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The format of the meeting is reading a small section of the book, then allowing all those who want to participate a chance to share – lather, rinse, repeat. Once we get to page 164 we’ll start all over again. If you want to discover a design for living that really works, a way of life that is immensely greater than you ever imagined… come join us.

    This time I’m not creating a meeting alone with no one else knowing what I’m talking about, this time I had to compromise on several things that I wanted, this time … well, this time it might really work. I’d love that.

    If you’re looking for a meeting to talk about your bad day or complain about your spouse… this is probably not the meeting for you, fortunately for you there are plenty of those type of meetings and we can probably direct you to one within walking distance. 

    Thump, Thump, Thump

  • Twist Tied Past

    Tonight at dinner I bit into my salad and found an unexpected treat. A twist tie from a bread bag or something had somehow ended up in my salad. I took it out and showed it to my waiter who then gave me the meal free, which was nice but not necessary, these things happen – I did continue to eat the salad, hell I love that thing. What was interesting was a memory got tugged out of the nether and put back into conscious thought of a time that had happened to me once before.

    *activate wavy screen effect to simulate a warp back through the time-stream to see the story Jamez is talking about here*

    Probably twenty years ago now I used to stop at the Kwik Trip on Main Street in Whitehall after spending countless hours at Dave’s Bar. Fortunately for me at the time not only was Kwik Trip open 24 hours a day, they cooked food… which was nice if you’re a drunk on a winter night in WI with no home of your own. On many a night I would stop there after running out of drinking money, or to pick up a cheap case of beer to take back where ever I was staying – usually just had enough for a lottery ticket or a burger.

    (A completely different story at this quick trip I had one dollar left in my wallet – was out of booze and cigarettes and I decided to purchase a lottery ticket, that’s the logical thing to do in that situation if you’re a drunk. I scratched away and got three TV’s that means I won $100 and a chance to be on the Wisconsin Lottery TV show in Milwaukee which I think netted me a little over $400 – not that that was helping me get beer or cigarettes at this point, the $100 wasn’t instant and I was more pissed off than I was excited. On another note, recently that Kwik Trip sold two 1 Million Dollar lottery tickets, that would have likely pissed me off too as it wasn’t instant booze).

    So I was pretty drunk the night I stumbled into the Kwik Trip, someone had probably pissed me off as I can remember being a little mad just getting there. Where were my friends? Hell I don’t know either passed out or still at Dave’s drinking away. I ordered my usual burger at the counter and waited at one of the tables until they brought it out to me. I was likely talking to myself, likely reeked of beer and might have smiled at the lady who brought it, but that might have taken too much effort.

    I was eating away at the burger and fries and washing them down with a Dr. Pepper most likely – you can’t drink beer in the Kwik Trip, silly rules… then it happened, I bit down into the burger and bit something hard. I pulled it out and sure enough it was a twisty like the ones used for bread packages and such… My alcoholic mind did something like this:

    Wow, I could have died. 

    I wonder if someone is trying to kill me, does that girl know me?

    Where am I? I thought I was at Dave’s? 

    I could sue, I wonder how much money I could get?

    If I sued then I’d likely not be able to buy beer here anymore, or maybe I could buy beer here but they’d probably find a different way to screw me over. 

    It’s too late to buy beer at the store, damn it I hope there is some left at the house.

    I might have a beer or two stashed in my room.

    Why is this twist tie in my hand? Oh yeah…

    What should I do now? 

    I managed to get my head straight enough to figure out I should talk to someone at the store about this and got up and went to the counter. I told them I had found this twisty tie in my burger and I think I actually said “I should be mad about this I think” and then I’m pretty sure I said “Shouldn’t I be mad about this?” and “My burger should be free or something, I could have been hurt” probably a “this is unacceptable” as I always thought things were unacceptable. I tried very hard to be very upset but a part of me realized how drunk I was and I just knew I wasn’t going to be able to keep it together long enough to get the story straight. Most of me was convinced they’d accuse me of lying and placing the twist tie in there myself for attention.

    I think I did actually get my meal paid for and I honestly forgot all about the incident until this night when I bit into the twisty tie in my salad.  Anyway, I just had to get that out of my head and on “paper” so to speak before it disappeared again.

  • Traditions 4 & 5 and the Responsibility Statement

    The other day before a meeting I was looking up at the Traditions on the wall and anticipating what tradition we’d be on this week (the Wednesday night meeting has a revolving schedule for what we read: 1st Week the Step corresponding to the month out of the 12×12, 2nd week the Tradition corresponding to the month out of the 12×12, third week the Chapter from Alcoholics Anonymous corresponding with the month, and the fourth week the leader gets to choose a story from the back of the book). I was looking at Tradition Four, forgetting momentarily that we had switched over to May just the day before.

     Tradition 4. Each Group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or A.A. as a whole.

    By itself that means that a group can do whatever it wants as long as it doesn’t affect other groups or the whole of A.A. A Group can have part of its opening statement reflect on a Dead Gay Alcoholic (I’ve been to a meeting like this), or pass a second basket which gets raffled off after the meeting (I’ve been to these meetings too). Neither of those things would affect A.A. as a whole nor other groups – they may lead to morbid curiosity of other dead alcoholics or lead you to Gamblers Anonymous, but otherwise they are relatively harmless. Technically, if a meeting wanted to I suppose they could choose to study the Bible, be clothing optional, have topics that are primarily related to the TV series Buffy the Vampire Slayer… but I don’t know what good that would do.  As the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions states on page 149 “Thus it was that under Tradition Four an A.A. group had exercised its right to be wrong.”

    As I was reflecting on the 4th Tradition I finally remembered that it was May and looked down to see Tradition Five.

    Tradition 5. Each group has but one primary purpose-to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.

    I read that and it struck me as odd that the Tradition doesn’t state “carry the A.A. message” but “its message”, the groups message.

    So your A.A. group could have a “message” of recovery based on the experience, strength and hope of our first 100 members as laid out in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, but it doesn’t have to. Your A.A. groups “message” could be that group therapy, whining about what ails you (bad day meetings), or even what you’ve learned in a marathon – it’s up to the group.

    Your group can choose to have nothing to do with the Traditions, Service Structure or contributing to the G.S.O. – even though the right to not have anything to do with those things is what Tradition Four is. We have no rules in A.A., just suggestions – like “don’t put your hand on the hot stove” kind of suggestions.

    Traditions 4 and 5 also mean I should quit shaking my head at meetings I disagree with, means I should forget about hoping to educate any wayward meetings on the benefits of doing the Steps as written in the first 164 pages of our text book and I should definitely give up promoting the Traditions, obviously!  It’s each meetings right to do as they see fit, according to their collective group conscience – even when they don’t have one. 🙂

    However, then I think about the Responsibility Statement. (click this to learn about the Responsibility Statement history)

    I am Responsible. 

    When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help,

    I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. 

    And for that:  I am responsible.

    “…We must remember that AA will continue strong only so long as each of us freely and happily gives it away to another person, only as each of us takes our fair share of responsibility for sponsorship of those who still suffer, for the growth and integrity of our Group, for our Intergroup activities, and for AA as a whole. It is in taking responsibility that real freedom and the enduring satisfactions of life are found. AA has given us the power to choose – to drink or not to drink – and in doing so has given us the freedom to be responsible for ourselves. As we become responsible for ourselves, we are free to be responsible for our share in AA, and unless we happily accept this responsibility we lose AA. Strange, isn’t it?” from the souvenir book for the 1965 Convention, Dr. Jack Norris

    I have to do what I have to do to preserve Alcoholics Anonymous for future generations. I want other people to be given a solution to our common problem, as I was. A solution that’s proven time and time again to work. That means I have options.

    I can choose to stay in a group and try to change them, sharing my experience strength and hope of the 12 Steps, 12 Traditions, 12 Concepts, the Service Structure and more. This might be a long journey with no end in sight, but if you choose to embark on it it might lead to others picking up the simple kit of spiritual tools you lay at their feet – it may not. I’m not this patient and my experience tells me that when there are groups that have a message pretty far away from the A.A. message with many long time members, it’s a little late to change them on your own.

    Or I can find a group that is more similar in nature to my own “message”, perhaps you’ve seen it?

    Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. 

    I always try to stress “this message” when I read How It Works or the Steps at a meeting… It’s an important point. These principles, the 12 Steps, can be done working with someone who’s done them themselves out of our text books Alcoholics Anonymous

    “Further on, clear-cut directions are given showing how we recovered.” page 29

    or if you have to you can do them yourself, try to find a sponsor who knows something of the book besides the beginning of Chapter 5 and Page 417/449.

    I should at this point try to remember Middleton Group #1. Rule #62.

    “Don’t take yourself too damn seriously.”

    So I wont, but I will certainly cut some other groups some slack and let them do things their way, but I don’t have to participate in that as long as I find a group who’s message is more similar to my own.

    Take a moment at your next meeting, reflect on what you think your Groups message is and if that message is what you think is going to help the next drunk. Are you spreading the message, are you involved in your group, do you know that your voice in your A.A. meeting is the most important voice in the structure of A.A.? Ask about our history, ask about the Service Structure, put an extra dollar in the basket – it’s your group and you should be responsible for it.

  • Addiction

    I spent five hours this afternoon and early evening watching the results of a friend relapsing on prescription drugs – it wasn’t pretty. I was called to his house by his partner and got there as soon as I could. The friend having the relapse looked very little like the person I have known for years, he was pale, shaking, slurring his words, eyes hooded – it was frightening to see him this way. Typical of someone stoned or drunk he wasn’t every helpful when we asked him questions about what he had taken or where he had hidden stash and the more we asked the more the story seemed to change. At one point he got up walked into the kitchen put three pills in his hand and would have taken them if we hadn’t stopped him in time.

    His partner, his friends were all worried about him and worried about his partner too. Addiction is a serious disease that can fuck you up pretty quickly if you don’t have a solution. At the end of the evening we had checked him into the hospital for the night with plans for him entering an evaluation center the next morning. It’s a step in the right direction – maybe.

    I say maybe because it really has to be something he wants to have happen – he has to want to get better, he has to want it more than anything else or at least be able to fake that want until it becomes an honest desire in his own heart. I don’t know of an easy way to get to that place – for me and countless others it was a painful journey to a dark place where we had no hope left at all, no hope of a future a change or a friend. “a self-imposed crisis he couldn’t postpone nor evade” That’s the key really – the way out is hitting the bottom so hard that your soul has the breath knocked out of it. A place so desperate you’ll try anything, anything to get out of it – but the scary part is when you’re down in that hole you sometimes think the way to get out of it is the way you got down there to begin with and you have another drink or another drug or another whatever you happen to be addicted to and you find yourself sinking deeper and deeper into the self pity that feeds on itself.

    I asked him a few times “what are you going to do different this time?” “why will this time matter?” he didn’t have an answer, I don’t have an answer – but I know that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity – so it’s time to go to any lengths now, it’s time to get out of your comfort zone and find someone with a solution that might be able to help you IF you’re willing to listen and IF you’re willing to ACT.

    When I was at meetings in WI we’d ask each week if there was anyone “counting days” or “under thirty days” and the same guy kept raising his hand each week and I just knew he was a lost cause, I knew that he’d never “get it” and get better. But less than a year later that guy quit raising his hand, and he started putting together days of sobriety and soon he had a few weeks and before I knew it he had a few months and today he has a few years. It’s never too late to find the solution, it’s never to late IF you’re willing to go to any lengths to find what many of us have discovered to be a common solution.

    Tonight as I hit the sack I’ll think about all I have to be grateful for, including being there for this friend tonight – it reminded me of who I used to be and how far I’ve come and that if I want to continue on my journey, I need to continue to help other people still struggling to find the path.

  • Periodontist – a.k.a. Dr. Evil

    This afternoon I’m having minor surgery on my mouth. Apparently years of not taking care of your teeth can lead to fun later on in life – or maybe this is just a result of growing old… although I don’t recall any old people in recent memory talking about a periodontist cutting into their gums and filling in a space that has formed between the root and the bone. Bone loss, I was told – sounds wonderful. I’m not sure exactly what’s going to happen, the Periodontist started to tell me and then I started to get nauseous (see this post to see how I am) so I asked him to stop and just give me the basics:

    • How long will it take?
    • Will it hurt?
    • How long is the recovery process?
    • Will I be able to walk home?

    I really did ask all those questions and the only answer I remember is Yes, I’ll be able to walk home. I know they’ll give me an anesthetic and maybe some laughing gas.  I know once I’m in the chair I plan to close my eyes and try not to be present.

    Gary has agreed to pick me up and manage the pain medication – that’s really the scariest part – Vicodin. I don’t think I’ve ever had any medication that was stronger than Tylenol or Advil – never had a need. Perhaps as we get older and have to maintain our failing bodies we need medication that we wouldn’t otherwise. But I’ve heard story after story of members of AA that relapsed and it started with a pain medication that they were given after a surgery, yeah, I don’t need that to happen.

    Yesterday at the end of my meeting they asked if anyone had any burning desires, something that you needed to share because otherwise you feared you might get drunk. I didn’t think that I might get drunk, but I did think I’d heard many people talk about upcoming surgeries or events that they were worried about. But I thought to myself that I’m certainly not that person… I remember a time or two when someone’s burning desire was that they were having a birthday party that weekend or they wanted to whine about the subject they’d been whining about for over a year – yeah, no I don’t have a burning desire so I didn’t share about it. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a meeting where someone had a burning desire that was about wanting to drink… interesting.

    Thankfully I have tomorrow off in case I need it and the boss will be in New York dealing with the never ending project. Suzanne says I’ll be fine, Gary promises to manage the medication, Jason says I have a healthy fear of relapse/drinking… Well, none of this really makes me feel better but it’s good to know that I have people thinking about me today I guess.

    So anyway, this afternoon I’ll be a mess – then I’ll have surgery and be a disaster.

  • Crossroads

    There wasn’t a lot of church activity when I was growing up – occasionally Mom or one of her husbands would get the idea that they could sleep off their hangovers if we were in Sunday school – but we weren’t regulars at any church. I remember kids in school that were having Confirmation but not having a clue what that meant – some archaic practice by Christians I guess.This was the God that kept my family in poverty, the depths of alcoholism and domestic abuse and did nothing to save us. (views I had as a child)

    As I grew older the God of the masses – picture the bearded old man, scowling down from heaven, condemning mortals to hell – and those who worshiped him weren’t appealing in the least. This was also the God that hated homosexuals and had condemn all gays to die of AIDS and I was beginning to believe i was one of those homos. (views I had as a teenager)

    So when I was a teen, I opted out – I chose to believe in the the ancient Gods of Greece instead of the Christian God of those around me. I believed that if someone believes in something then that entity becomes real and gains power from that belief – this idea was likely instilled in me by various comic book storylines of the time – Teen Titan’s Brother Blood in particular. So as long as I believed in these old Gods they would have power. Sounds nice no? I firmly believed that my belief in these old Gods was stronger than the belief of 100 Christians.

    During the time of my exploration of belief and worship of these old Gods I also did some research into Satanism. I wasn’t really interested in being a satanist, but I figured you should know who your enemies are and I should at least see what all the fuss is about – after all, if the Christians were opposed to Satanism there must be something worth while in it. I bought a copy of the Satanic Bible, by Anton Szandor LaVey the fact that this thing was even available at the book store still surprises me. I read and studied this book and overall didn’t think much of it – I didn’t feel any power or evil aura about the thing – it is just like a Bible Christians use – fiction. I was 15 at the time, I suppose if I looked at it now I might feel different about it or if I studied it with someone who claimed to be a practicing Satanist it might have more significance – but the Satanic Bible, like the Christian Bible, is open to interpretation. If you want to see evil in it, you’ll see evil in it, if you want to see good in it, you’ll see good in it. I wanted to see a path to power and magic, but I didn’t see that in it at all. A few years later I bought a few extra copies of the book and distributed them in school to folks that were curious – still rather amazed that that didn’t get me into trouble.

    None of these belief systems was really practiced religiously – for lack of a better word – by me. I’m sure there are aspects of believing in the ancient gods of Greece that didn’t even occur to me. I just know I wanted a better option than what was available to me in Midwest WI, and having many gods each responsible for different parts of the universe seemed very appealing – being different than the masses, the sheep, even more so.

    When alcoholism caught up with me at the age of 22 I was without hope – here I was a believer in Dionysus, the god of wine, how could I worship him and be sober – that was a dilemma for me, sounds silly I know, but it really was an argument that went through my mind frequently during my first attempt at sobriety.

    At an AA meeting the other day I shared that when I first came to AA (actually, this was my second attempt at sobriety) I was convinced that I had to believe in the Christian idea of God – no matter “god of my understanding”. And that “god” I hated. Here I was, hopeless, and having to believe in a God I wanted nothing to do with – but I really did want to get better and find a solution to my problem. That solution, AA assures me, is a power greater than myself.

    Eventually, through working the Steps of AA, taking actions I didn’t believe in, and praying to a God I hated – I grew to no  longer hate the idea of Him. The problem was I was convince that even though I no longer hated him, I knew he hated me – he hates all the homos and queers you know. So I struggled for a while, believing in this entity that I was certain didn’t want me to be on the planet, or in the universe. This led me to wonder why I was cursed with these thoughts of same-sex attraction by this God, why tempt me with these thoughts if you were just condemning me to hell for acting on them? Obviously, he hated me.

    What you, well at least what I, come to find out in AA is that God is Love, God is Action, God is. So eventually the fear and hate left me and left my idea of God and I was content.

    More will be revealed.

    As the years have come and gone, my ideas of a power greater than myself have evolved. This is a result of AA, praying, actions, and love. But also a result of those things is the current state of belief for me – I don’t think at present I believe in a God.

    Our book says “Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer.” Alcoholics Anonymous Chapter 6 Into Action. I can do that, I can see where the practice of prayer and meditation can benefit me – even if that prayer is sent up to nothingness it’s the act of saying the words aloud that change me. I’ve looked into the organization that gets people sober without God, but it’s a completely different program that doesn’t incorporate the Steps and I don’t know how deep I want to delve. I know the 12 Steps work, I know it based on myself and countless others I’ve seen changed completely by the Actions we’ve taken.

    But, I can’t believe in a talking snake. I can’t stand by and watch the religious condemn others, I can’t pretend to be ok with the hate I see spewing out of these building/organizations that should be about Love. I can’t believe in a God that says “I have to wear a silly hat” or “women are less than” or “thou shalt not eat pork” or “once a year you have to walk around with ashes on your forehead” – WTH is that about. If I want snakes to talk – I’ll drop some acid. What do hats have to do with God? Why do I have to remove my hat when entering a Church, unless it’s one of the silly hats prescribed by the tenets? Does your God only favor certain hats – shouldn’t we stop making any hat that’s not acceptable then?

    The point of this particular rant today – at the moment, I choose not to believe in a power greater than myself. For my sobriety, I’ll still pray to nothingness, I’ll still take the actions I know to be the right actions, but I’ve not going to spend time and energy believing in myths and stories from ancient times that people are still trying to make relevant today.

    If you want to believe in an ancient spiritual being with guidelines from those times – hey, go ahead knock yourself out. But think about what your doing when you believe. Think about the organization that you are supporting. Are you full of love? Are they? Or are they a political machine or worse a child prostitution ring that continues to get away with raping innocent children with the help of your donations. Is that the type of organization that is worthy of spreading a message of love? I digress – the point is, think about your blind faith.

  • Share in a General Way

    I’m a fan of round-ups, it’s a good place to hear experience, strength and hope from all over the world – usually.

    About 15 years ago I went up to the Upper Peninsula (the UP) of Michigan for a round-up with a bunch of folks from my Eau Claire AA meetings. I was looking forward to it, I think a few people that I’d heard before were to be speaking. The first night an American Indian woman was the speaker, I’d never heard her story before. Around the 40 minute mark of her talk I’d heard all about the oppression of the American Indian and how that affected her growing up into adulthood – but I don’t think she’d even taken a drink at that point. I walked out – I was followed by several other people who were as frustrated as I was.

    I’m sorry but I came to hear experience, strength and hope about alcoholism and how to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. That’s why I’m here. Did I come to the wrong meeting?

    A few years back I went to a “gay” round-up in Miami, I had scoffed at it for years without ever going until I thought hard about “contempt prior to investigation” so that year I went. The majority of the speakers at the round-up, and especially the Saturday night speaker, talked about being gay, coming out and their relationships more by far than they talked about alcoholism, recovery from alcoholism or struggling to stay sober. Except when the Saturday night speaker mentioned her sobriety date I don’t think she talked about the program at all. I remained hopeful and tried to be respectful to this woman with over 40 years in the program, but I left that night convinced I was right about “gay round-ups” all along. Perhaps the organizers tell the speakers of this round-up to really stress life as a gay.

    I’m not here to recover from being gay, I’m not here to talk about that or learn how difficult it was for you to come out of the closet to your parents, your friends, your co-workers. I’m here because I have a desire to stop drinking and live life being of maximum service to God (or what have you) and my fellows.

    I was asked to share my experience strength and hope at the end of 2011 in Minneapolis. I never practice sharing my experience or know what’s going to come out of my mouth when I do share, I just open my mouth and try to keep it honest (I remember once at the Eau Claire Pacific Group at the podium where I lied and immediately stopped myself and called myself out on it, I was pretty new). During my talk I mentioned that when one of my best friends moved out to the East Coast she said “You have to come with, Eau Claire is no place for a gay boy to be” and later on I talked briefly about getting engaged and dumped in the last year and wanting to drink over that. I didn’t dwell on being gay, I didn’t focus my talk on coming out of the closet or about how wonderful it is having gay sex.

    I shared in a general way, what it was like, what happened and what it’s like now as it relates to alcoholism, recovery from alcoholism and the joys and tribulations that I’ve experienced in sobriety. I think that’s what we’re supposed to talk about.

    When I met with my sponsor last week I told him that one of the members, a friend, of the group I spoke at expressed gratitude that I spoke in a general way about being gay. She said that typically when gay people come to speak they spend most of there time talking about the coming out process and how difficult it is being gay. She appreciated that someone could come and mention it without making it the focus of their talk. I thought that was interesting. My sponsor said that he thinks as society comes to accept the gay lifestyle more and more the coming out process will be less of traumatic experience to our young people and he thinks its already started to change to reflect that in meetings. I hope so.

  • Gratitude – I've Succumb to Peer Pressure

    There’s a lot of this gratitude stuff going around, it happens every year at this time. It can get quite sickening after a while (yes, yes, we’ve reached that point), especially when people are posting a “gratitude” of the day post on Facebook. Talk about making a guy want to vomit – at least it helps to maintain the waistline each time I do. I do actually have a lot to complain about – see previous blogs – but I’ll take a little time here to tell you the people, places and things I am grateful for.

    First, I’m extremely lucky to have a family that is beyond amazing. You may think your family is the cats meow, but let me be the first to tell you how wrong you are. My family is quite big, mostly because I keep adding special people to it, why on earth would you keep those people that mean so much out of your family circle – yeah, I know we’re not supposed to choose our family, but I do anyway.

    Blood Relatives: Dawn, Ryan and Amy and I actually spent some time with them this summer. I also saw all three of my nieces (Samantha, Tabatha and Joplin) too.

    Amy, me, Dawn and Ryan
    Amy, me, Dawn and Ryan

    We really don’t look much different to my eyes than we did 30 years ago – maybe a few more tattoos or piercings and less hair for me, but I’ll always see us as we were on a Wisconsin summer day, in shorts, running around on Elm St without a care in the world.

    My Foster Family: Ma, Pa (miss you Pa), Kenny (and Sheila), Rhonda (and Greg) Michael (and Michelle), Jeremiah, Cory (and Danielle) and my two great-nephews Charlie and Patrick. I spent  a few days at home this summer and really had a nice time. It’s great to go home and deal with all the chaos that is the Trempealeau County Fair Demolition Derby…

    newborn Patrick, Danielle and Charlie
    Charlie – all ready to go

    some people (I wont mention names) yell at me when I post photos of them online – so I wont put up photos of others beside the two great nephews and their Mom. Charlie is one of the smartest kids I’ve ever encountered – and blond so it’s like a genetic flaw. 🙂

    Adopted Family Members: Suzanne, Paul and Farley; Pat, Brenda, Helen, Scooter, Sami, Maui and PePe; Gary; Jim, Ana, Lisa and the rest of the DiLuigi clan. Though I only really see Jim and Gary daily all of these folks are close enough to me to be family.

    My Boss, my Friend – Jim
    Pat and Brenda – sneaking out without Helen

    I really have the best job and that I get to work with such a great friend, there’s something to be thankful for.

    me and Ana on our road trip

    Every Wednesday night (well, sometimes we have to do a different day) I talk to my friend Pat on the phone.

    I wish my best friend Suzanne lived closer and this Thanksgiving I’m not spending it with her so it’ll be a sadder holiday than normal. I’m sure she and Paul will have a great celebration together.

    Suzanne and Farley – at the beach
    Gary, my roommate, my friend

    And Farley, of course.

    Lisa

    Friends: I have all kinds of friends and met some of them for the first time in real life recently – yes, that sounds odd. I went to Winnipeg to meet some friends that I’d played World of Warcraft with for years. That was really cool. I have friends from high school, two of which I’ll spend Thanksgiving with this year. Friends from AA, friends old and new.

    Grokus, Noq and Salthair
    Folks from regular Sunday Breakfast at Annie's

    Health The cholesterol is down, the weight is down – I still hate the gym…. I’m still not a smoker, nor a drinker or a drug user. So life’s ok.

    Aren't I adorable?

    Mouse my little Princess, she’s a handful and usually doesn’t sleep through the night – which means she needs love and attention at 3 or 4 a.m…. but I still love her.

    Birthdays And Birthdays… I’m really incredibly happy that in a few more days I’ll be somewhere warm and sunny… that’ll make all this sappy crap worth it.

     

     

    I usually come off a a curmudgeon, and I like it that way so don’t expect cheery happy crap from me on a regular basis.

    Tina and I did a Spa Day!
    Brien and Michelle came to visit

  • AA Traditions

    On a recent trip to Winnipeg I stopped at a noon AA meeting at their central office. It was a textbook AA meeting, most of the chairs were filled with people of every description and ethnicity and the coffee was nasty. 🙂 I was recognized as someone who hadn’t been there before almost immediately, which leads me to believe they have a great number of regulars and that’s a good sign at a meeting. Before the meeting began discussions started about where I lived and went to meetings and I heard where others were originally from or where they got sober and such.

    One gentleman with a thick Irish accent asked me what prayer we use to start the meetings in Washington (this Winnipeg group started with the Serenity Prayer). I told him my regular meetings start with the AA Preamble and close with both the Lord’s Prayer and the Serenity Prayer.  That seemed to get everyone’s attention in the room as they found that odd. I think it’s easy to forget that each group is autonomous when we don’t get outside our regular groups and see that meetings are run differently pretty much everywhere – or places where they don’t study or read the traditions, but enough about Washington DC.

    Tradition Four “Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or A.A. as a whole.”

    You never know what kind of traditions a meeting will have when you go to it the first time. I’ve been to meetings where people count out loud when “How It Works” is read, the first time that happened I burst out laughing it was so foreign to me. Other meetings where every person in the room introduces themselves by first name and sobriety date, others that read the Twelve Steps and Traditions, some that read the Responsibility Statement, some that read the beginnings of one of the Chapters in the Big Book followed by the 12 Steps (My old home group the Northside Group in Eau Claire WI does that, freaked me out the first few times, but I was new so everything pretty much freaked me out the first few times.).

    The first time I attended the Eau Claire Pacific Group and heard all the “ooohing,” “aaahhing” and clapping I knew they were doing it wrong. AA is supposed to be a bunch of old boring sticks in the mud, these people are doing it wrong. But what happened in that group to me, and to others, was we were shown the enthusiasm and joy that can be a part of recovery and it made the difference for a lot of us. At almost any meeting I attend I always expect the opening statement from this meeting to be read… I don’t have a copy and couldn’t quote it here but it was a regular part of my life every Thursday for about four years and it gets stuck in your head you know.

    The Northside Group and some other meetings in Eau Claire always read the Twelve Traditions (something I almost never here on the East Coast) and “The A.A. Tradition” found at the beginning of Appendix I in the back of the book (Page 563 in the Second Edition) and when I’m out traveling and hear that at a meeting it’s almost like I’ve come home.

    A few years ago I was fortunate enough to go to a meeting in Nashville, TN the “Back Room Group”, a 12×12 meeting. As I walked in I saw that most people had brought their own 12x12s, pencils/pens and highlighters. I knew immediately it was going to be a good meeting and it really really was, those folks knew AA. When I’ve brought along my own literature to meetings on some occasions folks have gotten upset during the meeting that I’m highlighting or writing down – they think it’s the clubs book.

    Each group can do it’s own thing and I’ve seen lots of different things out there, but in the heart of the meeting as long as we’re there to help other alcoholics and how we spread the message doesn’t affect other groups or AA as a whole – then it’s all good. But I’ll always be partial to the meetings I went to in the beginning that spread the foundation of my recovery and I’ll always do my best to help others build theirs.