Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Tag: resentment

  • Rage

    *I don’t know why but this was stuck in my head and had to get out*

    Another long day at the office, he missed the sun again – in before the crack of dawn and out after sunset, and for what? So that asshole boss can point out his shortcomings again and again. If that supervisor had come to his desk one more time he would have throttled him. There’s got to be a better way to make money, there just has to… been at this job for ten years now, think they could treat him better.

    At least the commute home has less traffic at this hour, the last thing he needed was to sit in that shit for hours – horns blaring, idiots shifting lanes back and forth like that extra inch is going to get them any further.

    The bills are still piling up, even with this extra over time. The wife’s going to be nagging on him again about needing more for this or more for that. Who knew feeding three kids could be so expensive – especially the teenager, and now she has a car – jacked the insurance rates right up, never mind additional gas and worrying about her – always damn texting and talking on that expensive phone. both of them could get a job that paid something instead of their lazy ass part time jobs… probably won’t even be dinner on the table when I get home

    The radio station keeps playing the same tunes over and over or it’s commercials, all the damn stations have commercials on at the same time – where’s the good rocking tunes that he really needs to help him unwind after that shit day?  Back when he was a kid there was good music, not this crap they play all the time today – what he’d pay for a good station that knew what to play and when. But nah, they’ll try to sell us more crap and different cars that are all crap and cheap manufactured music that makes him want to vomit, fuck where are the good tunes?!?

    That asshole is right on his bumper and the lights glaring in the rearview, did he just flash his high beams? Fuckin’ asshole, I do not need your shit today – he thinks.  He starts to speed up, just to get out of that guys reach, some people are just assholes.

    The car keeps up with him, flashes it’s high-beams again and again at him. He taps on his brakes, that’ll teach that mother fucker, he thinks. Then he hears the horn and the brights are on him again… son of a bitch  – he seethes, knock it off fucker

    For miles this continues and the hate just brews inside him, the fury grows to the point of no return, he opens the glove box and draws out the pistol – this fucker is going to pay, and pay good, he states.

    He slams on his brakes and jumps out. The car behind him comes up just short, tires screeching, he pays not attention and goes straight for the drivers window, raises his pistol and pulls the trigger

     

    BLAM

     

    And in a brief moment before the noise can even register in his brain he sees his daughters face on the other side of the glass – horror stricken then shattered glass.

  • Grouch and the Brainstorm

    “If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the sudden rage were not for us. Anger is the dubious luxury of normal men, but for us alcoholics it is poison.” – As Bill See’s It, Page 5, (it references the Big Book on page 66, but it’s inaccurate. The Big Book says: “…the grouch and the brainstorm…” which strikes me as funny.).

    I’ve recently seen some “normal men” who have the luxury of holding on to a resentment and boy are they unhappy. I’m not sure it’s a luxury for any of us, who can afford to spend that much energy and time being angry? That anger doesn’t just stay inside it seeps out, is shown in things you do and how you relate to the human race and can’t possibly be healthy for anyone.

    There aren’t any people on my resentment list anymore – but there have been many over the years, and I’m sure I’ll find a few to put on it temporarily until I see how sick I am and spend the energy fixing me.

    In Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 x 12) it says: “It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.  If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about “justifiable” anger? If somebody cheats us, aren’t we entitled to be mad? Can’t we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger out to be left to those better qualified to handle it.” Page 90

    When I first got sober I had a huge (if these types of things can be measured) resentment against my mother and it occupied a lot of space in my mind. Whenever I would think of her I would get mad, my body temperature would heat up, I would relive, refeel, rethink all the supposed wrongs she did to me. I could spend an entire day just being mad at her and she lived over 1000 miles away… spiritual axiom. Something here is wrong with me, and it took me a long time to see it and fix it.

    So how do you do that? How do you take feelings of anger and hatred that you’ve nurtured, watered and cared for over a long period of time and fix you? That’s the rub.

    For me, I did as directed by a sponsor – I prayed. Not just once or twice, but a hundred or more times about that specific issue. I prayed every day for her to get everything she wanted in her life, for her to be fulfilled with love and happiness.

    Hell, I didn’t believe anything I was saying for the first month or more, but eventually what I found when I would think of her was a kind of serenity and peace.

    The grouch and the brainstorm are not for me, probably not a good idea for normal folks either. If you’ve found yourself in a position where you can’t get past a thing that someone did to you, perhaps try prayer… if you’re not the praying type, just try speaking out loud to nothing all… it’s about changing you, not about changing them.