Book of Jamez

55 y/o malcontent, something of a writer

Welcome to My Little Corner of the Internet

Random thoughts, unsolicited opinions, personal stories, and the occasional rant. I’ve been around long enough to have a few things to say, and apparently nobody thought to stop me from putting them on the internet.

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  • Sober for 30

    Sober for 30

    Today I celebrate 30 years of continuous sobriety!

    It’s just another day; I plan to go to work, have dinner at my favorite Indian restaurant and be in bed by 10. It is a drastic change from when I was using daily.

    Life was different then. I usually woke up a little drunk from the night before and I’d head off to work (if it was a good day). I smoked at least a pack a day back then too, so I was smelly. I wasn’t big on brushing my teeth so my breath was likely lethal. Hygiene was not my friend.

    All through the day my head would replay events and resentments and I would focus and be angered by something that occurred that had no basis on reality most of the time. I would imagine futures and pasts of horrible consequence. I would hang with my friends and talk about the upcoming nights events that always included alcohol and if I was extremely lucky – some LSD. I had my share of nicknames, but in the end most people knew me as Mr. Trip or simply Trip.

    It always started with the first drink and usually ended up with me passed out somewhere. My friends would try to rouse me if I passed out in bars, but if I didn’t wake they’d just leave me there on the floor. I didn’t have a license so I’d walk home or to a friends.

    Employment came and went I did land a job and keep it a year once, but more often then not absenteeism or being late or drunk resulted in me getting booted.

    I wasn’t a violent drunk; just stupid, sappy and messy. Looking back I was probably the one they laughed at, not with. Never one to fight, mess with girls or drive (I didn’t receive a license until I got sober).

    I owned nothing except a few boxes of comic books and was renting to own a dryer – long story. I lived with friends where I could with no responsibilities and only a desire to get drunk.

    Final Bender

    As I recall my last day/night drinking was in Ettrick WI. I had sung a song or two at a wedding for friends and was dolled out in a white tuxedo. It was the night after the wedding at the reception and I was broke, unfortunately there wasn’t free beer, so I stole what I could and begged and borrowed enough to get sloshed.

    I had been suicidal and planning on ending it all soon. I was miserable and tired of everything. I didn’t have any hope at all. I shared my suicide plan with a friend who had shared his suicide plan with me a few days previously – however he wasn’t in that state any longer. Soon I was on the phone to the cops asking for help. Friends surrounded me and got me to go with the cops as I had changed my mind after I called for help.

    The local guys took me in to the psychiatric ward in LaCrosse WI. I was the best dressed guy there. It was at the hospital and they had left me alone for a few minutes and I got to thinking – what the hell was I doing, I didn’t want to be here, so I started putting on my shoes and then a police officer came in and said “you’re not going anywhere”.

    I spent 4 days and nights in there the room was padded but I didn’t get a straight jacket. They fed me meds and told me they were just vitamins, which I believed for some reason. I didn’t want anything that would get me better, I still just wanted to be done with everything.

    On day 4 I had my day in court, where I was ordered to not more than 111 days in a drug and alcohol facility. That didn’t scare me, I’d been in one of those before. A country cop transported me from the hospital/psych ward in LaCrosse all the way to Eau Claire WI and a treatment center named Fahrman Center.

    One of the counselors, Shelly, did my intake and showed me to my room. I was still hopeless and didn’t have any cares in the world. I’d get out of there soon and be on my way to find a drink.

    I did the 21 days inpatient treatment there. Group sessions, chores, homework and some excursions. I was just playing the game, answering questions like I did in the last treatment center. My counselor was Brien and I liked him. He and I had an instant rapport but I still didn’t want to get better. If I thought of a way out I had planned to kill myself as soon as I was free.

    HOPE

    On Saturday’s they would invite members of the local recovery communities to come and share with us. It was similar to an AA meeting and the speakers would drone on and on about themselves and we were supposed to get something from that. Well one Saturday a kid named Terry came and told his story and for the first time I could relate to someone and felt a kinship.

    That night I prayed to the “god” of my understanding “If you can make me as happy as that kid seems, I’ll do anything”.

    I asked Terry to be my sponsor and he gave me direction almost immediately – 1 shake every persons hand and introduce myself, even if I knew them, before and after a meeting. 2 Northside Group (an AA meeting) would now be my home group. I may have rolled my eyes at both suggestions.

    So I set about doing what I was told to do I attended the Northside Group and the Pacific Group and would shake everyone’s hand before and after the meeting no matter what.

    The Pacific Group of Eau Claire WI is an offshoot of a meeting from, where else, California. The founder of the Eau Claire group was sponsored by the founder of the LA group. Very different type of meeting than I was used to and I planned to stick around long enough to tell them they were doing it wrong. Instead of moaning and bitch sessions you would get uplifting stories from speakers and participants that left you wanting more… lots of oohs and ahhs and hand clapping at almost everything.. and they had cake.

    There were two pretty girls who also attended both groups, one named Krista (though I only knew her as “cake lady” for a little while) and one named Suzanne. We became friends and often they would give me rides to meetings and other things.

    My sponsor Terry got drunk. I wasn’t privy to the details, I just was destroyed. I asked another member of the Northside Group to be my sponsor – Joe. Joe had double digit sobriety, a job and was married… we had nothing in common lol. Joe’s wife Carol also in the program, sponsored both Krista and Suzanne.

    Joe took me through the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and we worked the steps. I did my homework and I wrote my list. I was still in the halfway house portion of the treatment center and they were very concerned with me doing my 4th Step with my sponsor instead of some clergy member. The treatment center’s version of the 4th step left a lot to be desired and didn’t help me. Whereas sharing my list with Joe and talking about my resentments, fears and sex conduct really opened my eyes and showed me what kind of a human being I was – not a very good one.

    Our sponsors invited us over to go through the book as a group, there were about 6 of us sponsees when we started but by the end there were about 4. We went through page by page, word by word examining it and coming to terms with what Bill W meant in 1935 compared to what we mean now.

    I learned valuable lessons in Alcoholics Anonymous – how to suit up and show up, how to introduce myself, how to volunteer – even if I didn’t want to – just raise your hand. The one thing AA didn’t sell me on was the idea of “God” but I followed the sayings and words and prayed to a god I didn’t believe in. But it stuck in my craw.

    Meetings were a regular part of my world. I would go to 2 – 3 meetings a week. Roundups (conferences) and workshops. AA was my life.

    I was though, the angry young man, and everyone knew it. I had resentments that I couldn’t work past that were current and damaging. One night at a meeting I was particularly mad and Krista turned to me and said “no one said you have to stay here” and it resonated with me. So I walked away from my home groups and went solo.

    Still mad, but reading the book every day. Talking to a fellow AA member every day and still hanging with Krista and Suzanne, but I wasn’t happy. I would go back to meetings here and there but not shake hands… I was a little pissy.

    At year 4 or so of sobriety I moved to Washington DC and soon came to miss my structured, recovery based meetings. The meetings I found in DC were whine sessions more than anything else (see this story My Experience with DC AA) . I wasn’t a fan. Took me about 10 years to find like minded people there and we made our own groups.

    After 15 or so years in DC when my job came to an end, I moved to Phoenix. I found recovery based meetings there and a new sponsor Flo. Flo and I went back through the book and I was regular at my home group. (See this story: My Sponsor Won’t Shake My Hand)

    Walking Away

    Not believing the core part of Alcoholics Anonymous – the need for a power greater than you – was a real dilemma. It seemed all my fellow members believed where I couldn’t and I found I couldn’t talk from my chair or the podium and claim that I believed in something any longer.

    At 22 years of sobriety I made a decision to walk away from AA (see this story: Walking Away from AA). I told my sponsor and he had said he could feel me slipping away so it wasn’t a surprise, he still loves me and we talk once in a while.

    What I found after I left that I was no longer stressed about getting to the meeting on time. No longer concerned if the room was set up just right. No stress on shaking everyone’s hand – which neither DC nor Phoenix was into. No dissecting other peoples shares for what was important and what was just fluff. Not that you’re supposed to criticize every inch of a meeting or compare members to others, but I would. I was free when I left, free.

    Eight Years Later

    So what’s happened in eight years?

    Nothing really has happened, life is good, I’m happy overall and living life to the best. I don’t have cravings for alcohol – I do have dreams where I’m a closet smoker though, which is so odd. I don’t hold resentments, don’t say daily prayers to things I don’t believe in and don’t attend meetings.

    I have a great job that I love to go to, where I get to help people every day. I live with my best friend, Suzanne, who still does go to meetings and enjoys them. Life goes on for me and I think I’m less angry, less worried and have overall less anxiety.

    AA is a great program that taught me a lot about life and living (See this post: Worker Among Workers). I wouldn’t be the man I am today without their help in the beginning and the many men and women who came before me. I practice several parts of the program daily and it matters to me.

    Today, I’m almost a militant atheist. I try to bring truth to the world and those around me and probably get blocked on Facebook as a result, but I think it’s important. My life is deity free, and I’m willing to risk an eternity in hell to prove it.

    Several of the key philosophies of AA that I still follow – help other people, have no opinion on outside issues, anger and resentment are the mind killers, be self-supporting, watch out for defects of character and more. There are good parts in the 12 step recovery programs.

    Today, I’m 30 years sober. Something I never thought would be possible. I remember when I was new thinking people that said they had 15 or 17 years of sobriety had to be lying, why would someone choose to live that life? How could they go so long without a drink, it baffled me.

    The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous promises that as far as alcohol goes sobriety will make you immune to the temptation, that you’ll recoil as if to a flame. That’s come true for me – I don’t recoil, but I don’t mind if it’s around me, except the smell of wine… can’t handle that for some reason, and I wasn’t a wine drinker.

    Sobriety isn’t for everyone and not everyone needs it, but if you have a problem with alcohol or drugs or both, the 12 step programs can give you a solid foundation to build on that will lead to permanent sobriety. If you want/need help – go to www.aa.org or www.na.org and take a look. It can be a scary place to start and very uncomfortable – especially with those NA folks, they hug. True story: the reason I chose AA over NA was because the NA folks hugged me, ewww. They do rather insist upon the “power greater than you” thing and no matter what they say, it’s “God” they’re referring to.

    There are secular alternatives to the 12 Step Programs – S.M.A.R.T. Recovery is one and there are others, use Google, it’s your friend. I looked into SMART but it’s not for me, I’m not a meetings guy I think.

    Sobriety changed me from a drunken loser with no prospects into an old man with a life beyond what I ever imagined. In the beginning it seemed very hard, but the more days you string together and practice the principles, the easier it gets. I don’t think of a drink today or drinking, don’t play resentments in my head all day, plan my days around getting stoned or drunk – I just live life. That’s all I can ask for.

    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
  • You Can’t Watch That

    You Can’t Watch That

    You can’t watch that, read this, or do that. You must do this, pray this way and worship this God. You can’t eat that, smoke this or drink those. I’m afraid that’s where we are and where we are headed if white Christian nationalists continue to meddle in the affairs of everyday man and woman.

    It’s not just book banning and burning by people in southern states that worry me. It’s small rights being assaulted in many jurisdictions across the country. Small laws here and there or school boards pushing agendas into schools contrary to science and literary works.

    Here in Virginia there is a relatively new law mandating websites that contain porn requiring them to verify the age of the viewer before granting access.

    SUMMARY AS PASSED:

    Civil liability for publishing or distributing material harmful to minors on the Internet. Creates a civil cause of action for any commercial entity that knowingly or intentionally publishes or distributes on the Internet material harmful to minors, as defined in the bill, and that does not take reasonable steps to verify that the age of a person attempting to access such material harmful to minors is 18 years of age or older. The bill also clarifies the definition of “sexual conduct” so that it is neutral regarding sexual orientation for the purpose of crimes related to prohibited sales and loans to juveniles.

    PornHub, a Canadian owned company, streams various genre of porn on the internet. In response to the law enacted in Virginia, and other states, they have restricted access rather than complying with the bill which would require serious overwatch of personal data and change of infrastructure of their site. PornHub’s statement to Virginia users follows:

    This law seems unconstitutional to me – not only violating my privacy rights, by making me share my ID with a company, but also my right of anonymity that allows me to surf the internet anonymously.

    and

    I enjoy porn occasionally, I’m not addicted or anything. I’d say I access a porn site or two maybe 2 or 3 times a month at most. I know there must be people that are daily viewers and some that are indeed, addicted to the services offered. To be fair there are numerous porn sites taking no action as a result of this law that I can access with no hoops to jump through. And I’m pretty sure I had paid my subscription right before the law came into effect, so there’s that.

    But I say it’s a responsibility of the parents to monitor their children’s activity and restrict what they can and can’t do on the internet, not a corporation.

    It’s a silly thing to take a stand on, I know and I may face backlash, criticism or mockery. But it’s another right that is slowly being taken from us. Another set or other peoples morals and beliefs being thrust upon us.

    It won’t stop with porn, or the books they find offensive…. your rights are at risk and they’re coming for them.

    It’s been a long time, but I read Animal Farm when I was a kid and I recall the slow, seemingly small changes that happened that no one thought would matter. But in the end all the rights are gone, things deteriorate and the pigs can’t be distinguished from the human oppressors. This kind of thing is happening now. Our rights and freedoms are being attacked by a loud minority. People who’s goals include their brand of government, religion and rights.

    Please pay attention, yes there is a big orange elephant in the room, but there are small battles being lost that will impact even you and your rights happening in your own backyard.

  • America’s Crossroads: From Bush to Trump – A Call to Defend Our Freedoms

    America’s Crossroads: From Bush to Trump – A Call to Defend Our Freedoms

    In recent history I recall being worried about George W Bush getting re-elected as he was pushing a constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one man and one woman. It was a terrifying thought to me, that there was that much discrimination and hatred out in our country trying to deny me and mine our basic rights. W never did get far with his idea and maybe it wasn’t as popular as he thought.

    Now our country faces an even greater threat to freedoms. Not just freedoms for homosexuals but freedoms American’s take for granted each day. A threat to the foundation of our country a threat named Donald Trump.

    I don’t say this lightly. We’re speaking of a man who has threatened American institutions such as freedom of the press, and the electoral process. A man who has mocked and laughed at our disabled, our prisoners of war, our leaders. Someone that has made an embarrassment of himself and the country to the world stage. He’s a person that instigated a mob onto the US Capitol and threatened to hang people.

    He’s a rapist, he’s prejudiced, hateful. He’s a conman of the highest degree.

    A friend argues that he “tells it like it is” and that he’s been “railroaded”. That he’s good for America and just wants to make America great. My friend plans to vote for him and nothing I’ve argued has swayed his opinion of the man or gotten him to change his vote.

    Photo by Sachin Bharti on Pexels.com

    I fear for America, there seem to be so many people cheering on this megalomaniac that he has swept the primaries and is slated to run again in a Presidential race. This man does not care about our country, depite what his hats say. This man cares only for himself and those groveling mongrels around him… and those only to a certain degree.

    I’ve come to the conclusion these people that continue to support this evil are one of three things:

    1. Stupid – just plain simple minded idiots
    2. Conned – they have bought into his whole con hook line and sinker, they can’t see a the forest for the trees.
    3. Traitors – these are people who want a dictator in power; who decry the democracy, freedom and forward movement of our country. Who laugh at the idea of hanging our leaders in the Capitol rotunda.

    I have another friend who won’t vote for Trump, but also is not voting for Biden… she’ll cast her vote for an independent, no matter the cost to the election results. I can’t sway her either.

    Despite my fears of George W Bush winning a second term, which he did. My fear for our country, our values and our very existence at this moment is greater than I thought it would be.

    I urge you to vote in the up coming election, to look with open eyes and heart at what’s truly at stake here. Lives of people you love are in danger; hopes and dreams of many about to be lost and the stupid, conned or traitorous will just laugh as it happens.

    I HAD AI RE-WRITE THIS:

    As our nation progresses, some individuals may find that their initiatives do not gain as much traction as initially anticipated. Presently, however, we confront a more profound menace to our liberties—not merely those of the LGBTQ+ community, but the fundamental freedoms that Americans cherish daily. This threat goes by the name of Donald Trump.

    My assertion is not made lightly. We discuss a figure who has actively undermined American institutions, including the freedom of the press and the integrity of the electoral process. His disparagement extends to marginalized groups, including the disabled and prisoners of war, as well as to global leaders, tarnishing both his own reputation and that of our nation on the world stage. Furthermore, he incited an insurrection at the US Capitol, advocating violence and endangering lives.

    Trump’s record reveals him as a sexual predator, a proponent of prejudice, and a purveyor of hatred. His tenure epitomizes the epitome of a con artist.

    Despite these stark realities, some contend that he “speaks his mind” or has been unfairly targeted. They assert his purported benefits for America, unfazed by evidence to the contrary.

    This steadfast support for Trump troubles me deeply. It suggests a populace either misled, wilfully blind, or actively hostile to the principles of democracy and progress.

    In my view, those who continue to champion Trump fall into three categories:

    1. The Misguided: Individuals lacking critical insight, deceived by simplistic rhetoric.
    2. The Ensnared: Those who have fallen victim to Trump’s elaborate deceit, unable to discern truth from manipulation.
    3. The Subversives: Individuals who actively seek authoritarian rule, rejecting the core tenets of democracy and embracing chaos.

    Furthermore, I have encountered acquaintances who, while refusing to support Trump, also refuse to endorse an alternative. This indecision, while ostensibly principled, risks complicity in the erosion of our democratic values.

    Reflecting on past elections, including George W. Bush’s second term, my apprehensions for our nation’s future have only deepened. I implore each of you to exercise your right to vote in the upcoming election. Consider earnestly what hangs in the balance—lives, aspirations, and the very fabric of our society. To disregard these perils is to invite their fruition, and history will judge us harshly for our inaction.

  • WoW Classic: Hardcore/Self-Found

    WoW Classic: Hardcore/Self-Found

    Blizzard has recently released a new server type on World of Warcraft (WoW) that lets you play in a new mode “Hardcore” or “Self-Found”. What does that mean?

    On normal servers if your player dies you can be resurrected by running back to your body from the nearest graveyard, or by having a fellow player cast a spell to bring you back to life. Some characters even have a self-resurrection spell they can cast to come back to life without help or running back from the graveyard.

    Also on normal servers there are auction houses, you can trade items with other players and send and receive in-game mail.

    With Hardcore/Self-Found you cannot do those things or get resurrected. Once your character is dead it stays dead. (well, once you die you can request a realm transfer and then keep playing that character I guess)

    It’s also on World of Warcraft: Classic – a version of the game that takes you back to how it was designed during the initial 1 – 60 level game. It’s nostalgic and harder to play than WoW – Retail.

    I decided to try it out and created a new character and played for a bit, leveled up to 6 and then noticed I wasn’t actually a Hardcore/Self-Found player, I had neglected to check a box…. ugh.

    Second attempt I remembered to choose the right realm/server and also checked the box. Lots of disclaimers you have to click to make sure you realize the limits of this type of play and the dangers…. I didn’t read em, I felt I knew what I was in for.

    I first rolled/created a dwarves warrior. I figured tougher to kill, better armor and fun. I did pretty well, was hack and slashing monsters and npcs (non-player characters). I thought, this won’t be a problem. Then while I was attacking a bad guy another bad guy popped up and started hitting me from behind, so I was fighting two. I thought I’d be ok… but between the two of them they drained my life to zero.

    When you die your guild (if you’re in one) gets a large red notification “Hiexo has died at level 8” is what it said…. I only made it to 8. if you make it to top level (60), the whole server gets notified with some music and text celebrating you.

    Not to be deterred, I rolled/created a gnome rogue next. Rogues are sneaky and can stealth so other can’t see them…. how could this not be a successful journey….but before I knew it I was level 8 again and got killed by two leper gnomes. UGH

    I tried another character, maybe I’d be better rolling/creating a Horde character. So I rolled another warrior an Undead named Noq. He got to level 6…. I’m not cut out for this it seems.

    Once again I wanted to try, this time I gave a gnome mage a try. I did very well, ran away whenever I got scared or saw extra mobs come towards me. I got past the initial zone and the secondary zone. I was in a guild, I had a bar full of bags (10 slot bags cost more silver than I had) that had dropped off of mobs. I finally had talents and was still running from troubles – one of my spells Frost Nova freezes mobs in place so you can run away. Well, I got a little cocky and thought I could run through a bunch of troggs (a caveman like humanoid) but two of them stunned me and the casters kept shooting and me and boom “Noq has died at level 12” UGH!

    It’s been an awful lot of fun to go back to Classic and try to level these characters with the extra challenges. There are parts of Classic that I am glad have been upgraded in Retail – easier to make money, quicker leveling, shorter time of hearthstones…. there are quite a lot of things. But it was nice to play old school and remember things that I had forgotten – like campfires need tinder and flint (in Retail you can just build a fire without reagents) or the Freefall (slow falling) spell needs a feather.

    I’ve been playing WoW almost since day one (November 23rd 2004 was day one of the game, I started in March the next year). When I first started I was so lost and a total n00b (new player with no clue). But it was fun and I quickly made friends that are friends to this day. I even traveled to Winnipeg once to see some of them.

    Hiexo – my level 70 Gnome Rogue

    WoW keeps adding expansions, new content, new ways to play and experience the game. While some of the changes I don’t like and some times it seems the game has become “easy mode” I still enjoy playing. Hardcore mode adds some challenges that I like and I’ll probably try a couple other characters.

  • Ability

    Ability

    if it is very interesting to use talk to text and preparation for my shoulder surgery which will happen on March 18. I’ve been trying to use just my left arm for the past few hours and it’s a challenge.

    I worked in the accessibility field for seven years a few years back. And I always knew about the need for accessibility in websites but never had the need for myself. Using this tool which Apple created for me I can type a whole new web post.

    but it’s a challenge because I keep wanting to use my right arm to do things like brushing my teeth or opening a pill bottle or opening a bottle. Period. And even this isn’t typing exactly as I would like it’s a tight but I’m doing the best I can with what I have available.

    a friend of mine just reminded me that one of the challenges will be wiping my butt with the other hand now that is probably too much information what is this something that you have to think about. I did recently purchase of the day which is going to help with all of that oh the day b.i.d. ET oh well that didn’t type as well as I would’ve liked it too but I think you catch my drift. And all the controls for the day are on the left right hand side which is another thing that I have to worry about it will I reach over with my left hand to take care of it I don’t know and every time I say but they are types of the day.

    and my big concern is a really are getting any work done and playing video games. No I know those two things are vastly different in what it is that I’m trying to do but those are the two things that occupy most of my time. I really like playing video games and I do think there are some accessibility settings in world of warcraft which will allow me to play the game with the left hand. So that I’m not too worried about I even went so far as to purchase a left-handed mouse which will arrive tomorrow that I’m going to practice with here at home and maybe I can get one for work as well.

    it’s funny to try and do things that you normally do with both hands are with just your right hand and then try to do them with just your left hand that’s interesting it’s up I struggle for lack of a better word. Like for instance I made my coffee this this evening for tomorrow morning to prepare before the night I prepared in the night to make sure that I have it ready for the morning so I can just push a button and brew the coffee. Opening the fridge to get the filtered water opening the coffee container to get the grounds entering all of that into the machine with just your left hand was entertaining enter.

    I do have friends were going to help me and I’m thinking that I’m going to have my my medication is prepared and one of those little pill reminder things settle be easy to just get two rather than having to open the pills each and every day. I’m planning ahead for Lasso little things like that that’ll help me to prepare for when I can’t use my right hand so I’ll be more prepared to get by without it.

    Funerary relief by The Metropolitan Museum of Art is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

    I do sleep on my right hand side even if I start on my back on my left hand side I end up on the right hand side so I’m not sure how well I’m gonna be able to do that and if it’s going to interfere with my sleep as well. I’ve been trying to stay on my back but sometimes in the night you just roll over in their yard but I imagine if I’m in pain I’m not gonna be able to do that until wake me up.

    navigating the computer has been interesting you I’ve had to learn a lot of new phrases enter commands to get it to do what I wanted to do. But I’m getting the hang of it or so I think.

    can you take some things for granted that normal people just do every day edit isn’t until an event like this that you realize how lucky you are. There are people without hands without arms or legs or other disabilities can’t do simple things that we just do every day. It’s nice that Apple and other software companies and such have made tools available so they can participate in computing ark writing or similar activities and I know that there have been good advances as far as prosthetics that allow people to do things that otherwise they could not.

    so it’s probably just me whining a little bit here and there about what I’m going to go through and for all I know I may not be as bad as I’m anticipating I am getting a little worried here and there about what’s gonna happen in pain management and mostly getting bored I’m really worried about getting bored.

    today at the office I put in for time off for the surgery. And so far I’ve only requested a week off. I’m not sure if it’ll be longer than that or not but I wanted to be prepared just in case I have somebody covering for me to handle all my tasks well no not really some of my tasks which is nice because I was worried about that at all be meeting with some bosses in the next week or two to plan accordingly for some of my other tasks.

    physical therapy is currently scheduled for the first week five times that week the second week three times that week and then we’ll see evaluate after that and see what else we need oh I just reread it and it’s three times a week for four weeks and the first two weeks at five times a week that’s a lot and I’m not sure if that means includes the time that I’m going to be doing the work at home because I do plan to do the exercises at home as often as I can without you know hurting myself more. Because I figure the more I do them the sooner I can get back to the office and play video games yet. Priorities people priorities.

    anyway I’m not sure how many more possum gonna make about this but I’ll make some post after the surgery to let you know how I’m doing keep you updated on the pain threshold and my progress with physical therapy and movement of the shoulder area. If you get bored with reading I do have some other post you can read back I’ve been doing this for about 15 years she can read some past posts and comment on them and like them and share them I get other people read them that would be nice of you. After that

    this post has not been edited or proofread it’s just how I talked it and how the computer interpreted my words

  • Magg Dylan – Band

    Magg Dylan – Band

    My best friend, Suzanne, is in a band named “Magg Dylan” with her husband Brucifer, bassist Marcus and drummer Adam. Though they’ve had a few line up changes, they’ve Suzanne and Brucifer have been in the band since it’s creation in 2018.

    I asked ChatGPT who Magg Dylan was and they gave me this:

    “As of my last update in January 2022, Magg Dylan is an American rock band. They are known for their blend of alternative rock, metal, and post-grunge sound. The band has gained popularity for their energetic live performances and emotionally charged lyrics. However, please note that the band’s status or activities may have changed since then, so I recommend checking the latest news or their official channels for the most up-to-date information.”

    ChatGPT

    I’m biased, I know, but they’ve put out some good music that you can find on all the platforms. They only released on album so far: Amethyst in 2020, released days before the Covid struck the world. As a result they didn’t get to tour or promote the album but it’s a good solid record.

    Some of my favorite songs on the Amethyst album include: Delusional and F.I.N.E. are my favorites I think. Suzanne is the lyricist and Brucifer does most of the music to go with it. Suzanne draws most of her ideas from life, sobriety and struggles with both. I’m unsure where Brucifer get’s his musical mumbo jumbo, but he’s got some good stuff.

    They’ve played at Blue Ridge Rock Fest, Louder Than Life, and even Lunatic Luau. They play local venues here in Virginia Beach too, lots of places and loads of fans.

    Two years they won awards from Veer Magazine for the job they do, yet they stay humble and ready to do more and more. They are very dedicated to their fans and always try to keep them involved and invite them to video shoots and more.

    I was fortunate enough to star in a video of theirs titled: Warning! where I play a psychiatrist treating Suzanne for her various maladies. It was fun to be in the video and take part in their rise to stardom.

    For the last couple years Magg Dylan has been releasing singles and there are quite a few good ones I’ll list below:

    GTFO – about bad drivers and being from NYC

    Repeat – a really catchy son, recently released

    Rainbow – about losing loved furry pets

    They’ve done a couple covers too – one of the best is Stand Back a cover of Stevie Nick’s hit. They really make it pop. Also they did You Oughta Know a cover of Alanis Morrisette

    Take a listen to some of their songs on Apple Music, Spotify or wherever you may listen to good music. I’ll be here to chat with you if you have any questions or want to know more about this band.

  • Navigating Work and Recovery: Balancing Responsibilities During an Extended Absence

    Navigating Work and Recovery: Balancing Responsibilities During an Extended Absence

    I’m going to be out of the office for an extended period beginning the middle of next month. I have a planned vacation with one of my best friends to Cancun for a week, then a few days later I’m having surgery on my right shoulder. I googled the recovery time for shoulder surgery and it’s not definitive, but looks like a few weeks before I can get back to the office.

    My shoulder has been bothering me for over a year now. Limited motion and pain. Pain to move it, pain if I sneeze, pain just walking down the stairs. It’s not been fun. We tried some physical therapy (PT) for two months and while I did regain some motion, we didn’t relieve the pain. The Physical Therapist said that was all she could do for me and recommended I talk to the Ortho specialist to see what options there were.

    The Ortho doctor, well first the physicians assistant, said that we could keep on with the PT to see if we continued to improve. This didn’t sit well with me as I kept thinking of the definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I told him that – so he called in the doc. The Doc and I then went over everything again and he said these things “sometimes” get better with time – I asked how much time – he said about 6 months… but I’d been experiencing this for about six months at that time. He said our other option is surgery, we went over that and talked about moving forward with that. I suggested we give it three more months, see if it changed – it didn’t.

    I don’t currently have any anxiety about the surgery, doesn’t mean it won’t come later I guess. Mostly my anxiety is about work and not being there. It’s not a money thing, it’s what am I going to do if I can’t work and/or play video games… really, how boring is this recovery going to be. Also, how long will I be gone… first a week for vacation then at least another week for initial recovery.

    Planning on being out is different, I have a lot of responsibilities at work. I like to think my teams depend on me for results and camaraderie. I work all kinds of hours with my team, at home I’m always stepping up to help someone with a sale or a document – doesn’t matter the time, they rely on me to be there.

    Who can you trust to step in and cover for you, to take care of your team while you’re out? I have 30 some people in my department that are capable of doing so. Some of them are swamped with prospects of their own and I think my team would be an afterthought to them. Not in a bad way, but like they have established work ethic and system that makes them successful, I don’t want to throw a wrench into that. Some of my team just couldn’t meet the challenge of a large team to help out in addition to their current duties. So I called an audible and asked my manager who I should pick. My first choice he shot down as someone with too much on their plate already, but then he threw out some names I hadn’t considered and we chose someone that should be up to the task. My manager did joke, I hope, that my team would like my replacement more than me…

    It’s a hard thing to let go of, my team, letting someone else step in and help them with their various needs… will they be fast enough, nice enough, efficient enough or will they disappoint me and my team. Most of my team has my direct mobile number and I don’t want to hear they haven’t been taken care of in my absence. It’s not rocket science, what I do, and I’m not asking them to sell my book of business, just to cover customers that call in to move forward after previous interactions. This is going to be ok, I keep telling myself.

    I have to trust my manager’s instinct. Let my team be in capable hands of my co-worker. Relax and focus on me and my recovery. I will have work to do – PT and a lot of it from what I understand – they have scheduled me for my first PT appointment the afternoon after my surgery. That I find aggressive, but probably in my best interest.

    I may invest in Dragon Naturally Speaking to see if I can get some work done. I’ve also been playing around with my left hand, seeing if I can maybe use it to get somethings done… but again, really should be focusing on my PT and doing what the doctor says.

    I’ll be ok, my team will be ok and I’ll have a pain free shoulder before I know it!

  • Journey into Inside Sales

    Journey into Inside Sales

    I’ve been working in Sales (Inside Sales) for a little over three years now. When the company first approached me with the opportunity I scoffed, not wanting anything to do with the culture of sales that I had in my head – sleazy salesmen, wearing plaid sports coats and lying to you to get a sale. The guy who interviewed me for the promotion (I had been working in the call center) assured me I should give it a chance and that I might like it. He also hinted that I could make a decent amount of money.

    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    I started slow, unsure of myself and my abilities. I stumbled here and there and managed to overstep a few times, but eventually (about 4 months in) I got the hang of it Over time I slowly built up my pipeline of customer and established strong relationships with my outside sales teammates.

    At the beginning I read and listened to a ton of books on sales (Zig Ziglar’s “Selling 101“, David R. Cook’s “How to be a Great Salesperson … by Monday Morning“, Grant Cardone’s “Sell or Be Sold” and Ryan Daniel Moran’s “12 Months to $1 Million” to name a few), I was studying at night and trying to figure out my niche and all these folks had such good ideas about what to do and when to do it. It really was a lot of education for me and I think I absorbed a lot of it. But I was so obsessed with selling right and trying not to mess it up that I tripped a lot.

    My boss had pulled me aside one day and asked what was holding me back and why was I struggling so. I explained that I was studying very hard, reading and rereading many books and just trying to get it all down… he gave me really good advice – he said “just be yourself, people like you”. He did say all that stuff that I read was helpful, but ultimately selling is about building relationships and relating to people. That talk really helped me and I improved dramatically.

    I started talking to customers about themselves, sharing about myself and listened. That’s a big one, listening, hard for me because I always want to get on to the next call, the next customer, the next potential sale. But when I stop and listen I can hear the customers pain points and find a way to relate to them and talk about the solutions we offer. It also helps to strongly believe in your team, your product and your company – which I do.

    I watch my colleagues in Inside Sales and some of them can cite chapter and verse of our product specifications, some of them know the ins and outs of financing a project, others do a little of everything… and most of us are successful in what we do. I haven’t found one way that is better than the rest – yes, some of us have tools which we use to increase our reach and our message but others are just diligent about doing everything they can to sell a job and they do well.

    For the last two years I’ve managed to get into the top ten of my department. in 2023 I sold over three million with my team. I enjoy what I’m doing and the people I’m doing it with and almost every day is a pleasure to be a part of. I make a ton of calls, send a bunch of text messages and emails and hear from people of all kinds; It’s fun.

    Over the last year or so we’ve been pushing discounts, 10% here, 15% there and even one month with 20%. Last month we were again given an extra 5% to play with to try to make some deals happen. I don’t rely on the discount much – I strongly believe what we are selling is worth the price.

    It’s already been an up and down year in sales for me. January I missed my goals by quite a lot (rare for me) and yet this month I’m way ahead and it’s only the beginning of the first full week. Nothing changed about my workflow or ethic; sometimes it’s just up and sometimes it’s down. I just go into work planning to help people and it seems to work out.

    I’m planning to sell over 4 Million this year. I think I can do it with my current team, company and attitude.

  • Writing Slump

    Writing Slump

    I was editing the site and discovered I only have one (1) post written in 2023… I used to write 4 – 5 posts a month. Not sure what happened, I know some of it is medication based, once I started on my antidepressant the urge to write kind of died.

    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    Well, I can certainly try to write some more. Here I’ll give you kind of an idea what’s going on recently.

    My company just held its annual event where we honor the top performers and really celebrate the company and our accomplishments. It was a nice time and while I didn’t make the cut to be presented my award on stage (top 5 only) I did have a great year and was #10 in the department for sales total and I feel pretty good about that. For November art work I hit President’s Club and got to pick a prize, I chose a stationary bike and been riding on that every night since it arrived.

    A few weeks ago I traveled to Palm Springs to see my friend Jean-Pierre. He has a couple forms of cancer and is planning to sell his home and move in with his ex wife in Washington state (I think). We got to catch up and I helped him with his computer. He gave me a gift – a Coca-Cola Stamp and Pencil sharpener, collectors item kind of thing. Very nice of him.

    collectible coca-cola item

    For Christmas, like usual, I flew home to Wisconsin to see family. Spent 4 days there and it was about the same temperatures as we’re experiencing in VA Beach so it was nice, not a flake of snow on the ground. Spent time with Ma and Rhonda and got to see almost everyone. Also saw Dawn and the girls for a night, which was nice.

    I didn’t go anywhere for my birthday this year, actually worked it. Went out to Indian two nights in a row, which was great. Once with work folks and once with family.

    Thanksgiving too was spent in Virginia Beach and I miss having it with my buddy Eric, but he and I are going to Cancun in March for a few days. Can’t get here soon enough.

    As far as men go, I’ve had my share of fun here and there when I want to. Not a big drive to meet anyone or date. We’ll worry about that maybe some other day.

    I am sporting a beard, not as long as I would like yet, but very professional in length and gray.

    Well that’s all I’ve got for now, I’ll try to get some more writings in here…. some dreams, some ideas and some stuff about work and sales.

  • Last Will and Testament

    Last Will and Testament

    My friend Suzanne recently did some estate planning with her family and I reminded her what I would like done. She suggested maybe I should write it down so it’s known. I suppose that’s a good idea.

    First, if a situation were to occur where I was in a vegetative state, a coma or incapable of breathing or living on my own…. I have no desire to live in such a state. I barely had a desire to live at all, so adding any of those to the list would be a no brainer, no thank you. Pull the plug, donate my organs if they can be and let me go.

    In the event that I were to perish, hopefully sooner rather than later, below is what I was thinking at this time and for a while now. I believe I’m of sound mind, depression and anxiety, but sound.

    AFTER LIFE

    When I die, I believe I’m dead… that’s it. I don’t believe in an eternal life where I would either get to spend time romping through the Elysian fields or dancing in the flames of hell. Don’t buy into it. I know there are people that are living for the opportunity to go to heaven where they get to spend eternity with their loved ones…. eternity with people you can’t tolerate for a Thanksgiving. I just don’t see it happening. What version of those people are you going to see – the 98 year old version nor the teenage version, what would it even be like… but I digress.

    If I’m wrong… and there is a spirit or soul that sticks around or goes somewhere, I don’t plan on staying near where I lived…. how boring would that be. I would explore other countries or planets and be anywhere but at my body or gravestone. So there is no need to go “talk to me” at a headstone, I wouldn’t be there. And honestly, I don’t want to listen to you talk to me about how much you miss me or what you did today, I’m good, move on.

    In the DC Comics Universe there is a character named Death, she’s a Neil Gaiman creation. When each person dies she visits them and tells them it’s time, she says “You get what everyone gets, you got a lifetime” or something like that. She also seems to say that death and after are personal to each person, that they get a say in what is to come (if anything). Well, if that occurs I’ll just choose nothingness, to be gone and my consciousness to be no more, I’ve had more than my share and I don’t need further adventures.

    REMAINS

    I want to be cremated. Takes up less space and is eco friendlier…. so many cemeteries, so much space used up. I’m not a fan of burial or a tombstone with my name on it. Don’t want people to go to some random graveyard and think some part of me is there, there isn’t.

    I wouldn’t mind if my ashes were to become a part of a tree, I think that’s cool and a good use of a decomposing body. The Living Urn is one such site that caters to that kind of thing. I’d prefer a lemon tree, but again, I’m not there so it won’t matter. If that proves ineffective cost wise or logistically then just burn me and do whatever with the ashes you like, won’t matter to me…. Well that’s not true. I have no desire for my remains to be taken to Wisconsin, no thank you… on the off chance that a soul would be bound to the “body” I wouldn’t want to be bound there. In face it would be awful. I can imagine a hell where I’d be trapped in an eternal Wisconsin winter and I just don’t want that.

    When my biological father passed they cremated him and gave me a small vial with some of the ashes. If my siblings would want such a thing I guess that’s ok. Unfortunately I do realize part of me would then end up in Wisconsin, but I’m feeling generous.

    Suzanne can decide if she wants to do anything with the ashes, Really up to her. She may place me on a shelf next to her dogs and that sounds like a fine place to be.

    BELONGINGS

    I don’t really own much. I did pay off my Smart car, so there is that, but it’s old and has little value. I consider myself a minimalist… oh not like a crazy person you’d see on TLC or Showtime or something. I just don’t have much. I’ve always done an inventory regularly for things I own – Is this is thing I use? Is this a thing I like? Do I really need to hold on to it? Does it have sentimental value? Is that value dated? lol

    Photo by Erik Mclean on Pexels.com

    The comic book collection I own is quite small now compared to how much I had 10 years ago. So there isn’t much there. I don’t believe there is value in the issues I own, but you could try to sell them. It would be better to donate them for some kids to read. My love for reading started with an old X-Men comic. It was beat up, had no cover and was a dorky story. It was at my great aunt Marion’s house and it was the only thing that helped keep my sanity during the visit there. I don’t remember much of the issue, I know they were in the Savage Land and ran into Kazar and Iceman was more of a snowman than an ice man. Anyway, reading was one of the things I enjoyed in life and if I could pass that love onto other kids then that’d be a good thing.

    Digital Library I don’t know if this is something that can be given to anyone, but just in case. I have a little over 4000 songs on iTunes. Garth Brooks is uploaded from Amazon, but other than that they are all from iTunes. If you do the math with each song costing .99 that’s almost $4,000, but of course many of those songs were more than that. There is everything in my library from Boyz II Men, Magg Dylan, Tim McGraw, Josh Groban, Zac Brown Band… just a nice variety. My Apple video library has 329 items… some of those are series so many more than 329 as I collected whole series. Audible – has 151 titles, that’s a lot of listening and a lot of them I listened to over and over… and read too. Speaking of reading, there are 2060 books in my Kindle library, read every one. Comixology (now owned by Amazon) I have 1660 digital comics. I liked the idea of Comixology and loved reading comics that way, but there is something about the feel of a comic in your hand that is better. Just for the record when Amazon bought it they screw it up and it’s less user friendly now. I think that’s it for official digital purchases.

    Superman. Well I do have some Superman memorabilia. I don’t think any of it has value other than to me. I didn’t take the best care of it, One of my statues has a cape that has broken off and is just perched upon his shoulders, shame cause I liked that one too. There are glasses, lights, lunchboxes, Funkos, action figures and statues. Posters, a large portrait (a gift from my friend Katelyn), rings… a wide assortment. This is really up to Suzanne to decide what to do with those items. If she wants to dole some of them out to people that want something to remember me by that’s fine. Otherwise they can be sold on Ebay or donated to some charity place. Passing my love of Superman on to a kid would make my day. Makes me think of Donnell and our time together 😦

    Notable Items There is a portrait of me that was done by my friend Ron a few years ago, actually there are two I just saw one of me shirtless in a mirror. Suzanne may want to keep it, if not then to whomever. I was at a party for a friend and this guy with a camera started taking photos of me. At first I didn’t think anything of it but after a while it got creepy, so I confronted the guy and he said he was a painter and wanted to paint me, he found me to be desirable and needed to get that out. So he painted me and it was pretty good, check out the link and imagine me 10 years ago lol.

    Computer and tech, I own an iMac, iPad, iPhone … I like Ithings lol I’d sell them. I have content on my computer, some writings, some porn, all my photos. Suzanne is my secrete keeper so she has access to my systems if I were to pass away. You can set this up with Apple yourself, was pretty simple.

    Art, there are two pieces of art in my room. One is of a guitar player who looks like the Question from DC comics and one is of a puppet with a broken heart. I liked them enough to spend money on them. They’re up for grabs, whatever Suzanne wants to do with em.

    I think that’s it… not much like I said.

    FINANCIAL

    There is a life insurance policy through work, Suzanne is the beneficiary. I don’t have much in savings or in checking for that matter, I lived pretty much paycheck to paycheck like a fool. There is a 401K and Roth through work too, again Suzanne is the beneficiary. I don’t have money to leave anyone, don’t feel bad about that either.

    MY FRIENDS

    Many people loved me as a friend, as family. I was fortunate. Suzanne and Eric were my best friends, for 30 years or more they’ve always been there and I”m grateful.

    I wasn’t the best friend I could have been I suppose. Very selfish with my time and energy and not much for crowds of people or small gatherings. I said “no” to doing something more times than I should have. I have pretended to be sick to get out of some situations.

    I stole from some of you, lied to some of you, stepped on your toes, meddled where I shouldn’t have… I could go on and on. I’m human after all and made mistakes. I’ve tried to right many of them and live a better life, but sometimes I’ve made the same mistake twice. I’ve been forgiven, loved anyway and shown better ways.

    Many times I made a friend out of someone I didn’t expect, I learned to love those I first wanted to shun, I adapted and adjusted to let those people in.

    Thank you for taking the time and energy to get to know me. Thank you for tolerating me, loving me in spite of me and being there.

    MY FAMILY

    It’s complicated really, I suppose it doesn’t have to be, but it is. I consider myself of two families. One is my biological and one my foster. I got two and that makes me luckier than most.

    My biological parents both died in their 50s. I don’t have much positive to say about either of them, they weren’t good examples, good parents or good. There are those who says they did the best they could could, but I don’t that’s true. I didn’t mourn them and don’t miss them.

    My foster parents, my Ma and Pa, loved me unconditionally. They taught me to be responsible, independent and dependable. My Pa passed in 2008 and I bawled like a baby, it was hard for me. My Ma insists I come home every year for Christmas and she knows how much I’m not a fan of winter, so I go every year and I enjoy myself. I love my Ma.

    I loved my siblings each for different reasons. I have fond memories of times we spent together. Laughter, tears, drama… all a part of it I suppose. Thanks for tolerating me and loving me.

    IN CLOSING

    I was just doing my taxes after receiving a notice from PayPal that I had a 1099K… which I had no idea what meant. I looked it up and saw it was in reference to some gambling I did on the Super Bowl in 2022. I placed a $100 bet on who would score the first touch down and I won $855, pretty nice… but now it’s going to take a bite out of my refund. That’s life.

    My favorite book was The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, it always made me laugh no many how many times I read it. It’s quirky and odd, like me.

    I loved listening to music and singing along with all the songs. My memory was always good about remembering lyrics but forgetting important things. I really liked all genres of music – but I think you’ll find the majority of the music in my iTunes library is country.

    Work – I was very lucky to have a few great jobs. Some of them didn’t last more than 5 years or so but for a while it was a good job. I’m glad I got to work with Jim, one of the finest human beings on the planet. I’m glad I dipped my toe into the world of insurance. And I’m glad I got to start selling things, I kind of like it.

    Thank you to everyone who interacted with me in my life. It was interesting. I am, however, glad to be gone. Did all the things I wanted too, loved all the men I wanted to, spent all the time I could bear with people. Now I’m ready to move on.