Last night I dreamed that he wrote a long email to his friends and cc’d me to let them know the reason he decided to call it off was because I didn’t have good earning potential and that he really didn’t like cats after all. Seeing as how I’m not really sure what his reasons were these reasons seems about as sane as any other.
I’ve been asked over and over again if there were any clues to this coming, what happened, and what happens now. It’s been suggested to me that I help clear up some of that so folks will have a better grasp of everything.
He arrived on Saturday and I really didn’t have a clue that anything was really wrong until Tuesday. In fact I would say Monday was one of the best days ever and he had expressed having a really great day as well. We had dinner with two friends on Monday night and after those two friends knew we were deep in love – so did I.
I had printed out a DC marriage license and suggested that he fill it out as he has better hand writing – and I found it odd that it sat there from Saturday until he left. That was the only big thing that should have given me warning that something was up.
We didn’t argue about anything major, nothing that’ll really knock your socks off… some of it had to do with Dancing with the Stars, Glee, Cleanliness, neatness, vacations, and the definition of a relationship. He seemed to think that I needed to watch all the TV shows that he watched, and do all the things that he wanted to do.Part of his vacation plans each year are one week in NYC and one week in San Francisco, and I suggested that we might need separate vacations – not just because I’m not a fan of San Francisco – as I would only have 2 weeks of vacation a year at a new job (hopefully) and I’d like to enjoy that time. This was apparently the last straw for him.
It seemed to me like he wanted me to like all the things he liked and do all the things he did. I told him that wasn’t reasonable and that a marriage wasn’t about me just fitting into his mold, but us making new molds together. His argument was that if we were together I should have a good time regardless of what it was – my retort was that if I took him to the dentist I’d still not have a good time. He just stared at me like I was speaking in tongues.
Full disclosure here – he had expressed interest, when we planned this trip here, to go see the monuments. I was very clear that this wasn’t something I had any interest in doing. I’ve toured the monuments every time a friend or family member has come to visit and they really don’t do a thing for me – He’s been to DC several times and had seen them before. I suggested that he do this while I was at work, but he was adamant about it and I finally gave in and went with him. I was NOT over-joyed, but was a good tour guide, I pointed things out he might not have known about (the FDR and it turns out he hadn’t ever been) and talked about the cherry tree’s and we got to see the MLK Monument construction. I only complained during this tour after what had to be the 25th photo of the Washington Monument. As we left the Jefferson Memorial I reminded him that he wanted to see Dorothy’s Shoes – and he said it wasn’t important, so we headed home as we had a play to see that evening.
At this point I really don’t think anything is wrong, the previous night we had a minor tiff and both apologized to one another and slept like normal people. But he’s apparently been holding on to somethings (including not seeing Dorothy’s Shoes, having to vacation in Maui with me for my birthday…) which he’s about to bring up. So we had the same argument again basically and then walked in virtual silence to the play. I really couldn’t tell you if the play was good, it might have been had he and I been talking to one another.
On the walk home he finally started to talk to me and said he didn’t know what to say. So I opted to talk and it went something like this:
“I don’t want to hurt your feelings or anything but I think I have to tell you something.” me
“I completely agree” him
“You don’t even know what I was going to say” I say and look at him, I can kind of tell what’s coming but can’t really believe it. “I think you should go to New York yourself this weekend and figure out what you really want.”
“I don’t want to marry you.” he says
We’re still in the street on the way to the house and it’s like I’ve been slapped in the face… but I say: “Ok”
When we get to the house I tell him to sleep upstairs and I’ll sleep on the couch. I text my best friends to let them know what’s happening and try to get some sleep.
(it’s Thursday) In the morning I heard him finish packing and I offered to print his Amtrak ticket info for Friday, he said “that would be nice” and I did so.
When I cam down stairs and handed him his Amtrak info he looked at me and said:
“Please don’t stay in touch, I’m not at all interested.”
Really, that’s how it happened – I’m really flabbergasted. I’ve cried quite a bit, I’ve had hours of lying in my bed trying to sleep and entirely to many hours thinking and replaying the whole thing. I keep wondering what I really did wrong or what the truth is, as none of this seems plausible at all. Several people have pointed out that it’s better we discover this now instead of waiting until I was fully immersed in TX.
How am I doing? Well, I’m still pretty screwed up about the whole thing. I’m really tired of all the phone calls and texts from friends, yes I know they do it because they love me and they know it annoys me so I know that brings them joy.
I’ll get through this and move on to better and brighter things and maybe some day I’ll discover what really happened here… but apparently not today.